Let's Start a Revolution

Love is not easy.

2012-01-24T23:50:00.000-06:00

Responding in love is not easy...especially when you've been attacked by a person... and regardless of the means they used to contact you. Especially when all you want to do is is respond to the person and tell them you don't appreciate their attitude and then proceed to tell them why all their complaints don't apply to you, while making snide remarks that hide insults in them.

But I didn't do that. I promised my roommate that if she had something that she needed to talk to me about, instead of replying defensively, I would hear what she has to say and try to understand the heart behind it.

But then I was surprised when I actually did. And of course, when I take the focus off of myself, I see I don't think my roommate sends me and my other roommates texts like she did because she is trying to start a fight or attack me personally, but because she is simply frustrated over something, regardless of how much or how little it applies to me personally, and she doesn't know how to communicate it, so when an issue does come up, it builds and builds and builds until it comes out in this huge emotional upheaval of anger and frustration, and other emotions.

And though she's not trying to start a fight.... she is prepared for one. So what is the best response?

I remember immediately Proverbs 15:1 A Gentle answer turns away wrath, but a hard word stirs up anger. (you could even go into verse 2: The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly).

And I've been studying the book of 1st John this whole month and I've probably read through it 30 times. But There is so much in it about love... how we know God abides in us, how we know we love God, or how we know we are children of God, is in the way we love. So instead of replying defensively, as I have, sadly, done before, I thought about what it was that she needed right then when she sent the text, and the fact that she has been working the midnight shift for 3 days now and I simply texted her back and said: "I hear you, and I respect your thoughts."

But then, as it would go, I continued working through the evening at the group home and I started to feel some compassion toward my roommate. In all truth, most of the stuff she texted really didn't apply to me at all, but I began to feel a prodding to respond not only in word, but in action.

1st John 3:18 says Let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth.

So I looked at her text again, and I noted some of the things that she mentioned specifically frustrated her, so I went out and bought her stuff that she claimed got used up, and I came home and I spent the evening washing and loading the dishwasher and vacuuming and sweeping.

So like I said, responding in love is not easy. Love means sacrifice. Love means I had to consider someone besides myself. Love means I had to ignore my thoughts about what I do or don't do and realize that for this moment, what she needed was for someone to hear her needs and respond to them. Love means sometimes a person is more important than my immediate need (like sleep, haha), or my busy-ness (sigh).

And I'm not capable of loving on my own. I wish I was better at it.

Anxiety relief anyone?

2012-01-22T22:28:00.000-06:00

I've been feeling anxious. I'm not 100 percent sure all why I'm feeling anxious, but I am. I credit some of it to work. I found out today that Sheffield lost two of their full time staff. While this can be a good things for me, it can also be very overwhelming for me. I told Sheffield I am available Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. They've been using me maybe once a week, sometimes twice. Now that two full time staff are gone, they are likely going to start using me all three days. While this is good for my paycheck (and actually quite needed right now) it is also a bit overwhelming with everything else I have going on.

I want to go to VCC on Wednesday evenings. I like going, I enjoy meeting new people, and I feel like I'm being challenged there. But this week I may have to skip because Wednesday was the only day I could give to train the people I invited to be a part of the Out on a Limb team for Life Tree Cafe because I can't be there on Tuesday when they are doing the make-up training since it was cancelled last Friday (not to mention all the preparations I need to do for it). And then there's the next Life Tree training on Friday so it cant be done that day either, and I may be working this Thursday evening, I'm waiting on the schedule from Sheffield.

My schedule just feels too full and for someone who likes to be spontaneous and have the freedom to decide to stop and help someone shovel their car out of the snow like I did tonight without fear of being late (growing up I was punished quite severely if I was told to be home at 8 and I showed up at thirty seconds past 8. so even though I still show up late to things, I hate it!) so for me, this is a nightmare!

But I guess the good thing is that once I get used to the roles I will be playing with Life Tree, and if I make sure Sheffield only schedules me on the days I said I was available, and all that other stuff I don't want to think about right now, then it will be bearable, and even enjoyable, but until then... I will have to do a lot of praying, or just feel anxious. I think mostly, though, is that there is a fight going on between necessity and desire in my schedule. I want to do one thing, but I have to do another, and the two things overlap so I have to choose and necessity is going to win.

So, maybe it's not so much the full schedule that bothers me, but perhaps, having to choose necessity over desire makes me feel like I don't have control. (please no comments about how much control we really have anyway, now is not the time for that).

But I still feel anxious about something else, and I don't know what it is.

Well, with that being said, for me to wake up on time and not feel exhausted, I should have gone to bed half an hour ago, so I'm out.

?

2012-01-15T14:59:00.001-06:00

Death was never a part of the plan
yet one man falls so so another can stand
we think we are immune from death and pain
until our mortality hits us again
our plans fail and babies cry
we all bleed and young men die
And we think theres some cosmic purpose to it all
some divine meaning, as though weve been called
to suffer through these chains and abuse
because its something that God can use
And maybe God does use our pain
To call us back to him again
But is it really something that he plans
Or is this our attempt to understand
All our questions and cries of why
He allows who he does to die
So we take a moment and we pause
Does God allow or does God cause
And does it matter in the end
When we have a God that we call friend
Who is with us and heals our heart
And hold us close when we fall apart

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Yearly Review.

2012-01-01T19:20:00.001-06:00

My Year in Review:

January, February, March: Sadly, these three months run together for me. I can't really think of anything that sticks out or was significant during these three months.    In January I started working in the art room at the Boys and Girls Club, while continuing my position with Kidstop in the mornings.

April: I celebrated having been employed with the Boys and Girls Club for a year, while at the same time, I began my employment with Opportunity Enterprise, working at a group home.

May: I can't remember anything of significance happening in May.

June: June almost seemed to be a turning point for me this past year. I spent the first 5 months of 2011 grossly uninvolved in my own life. How sad is that?   In June, I quit my position with Kidstop to work full time for OE, and to continue with my position in the art room. I took a road trip by myself to visit my friend Stephanie and her Husband Chris in Alabama. It was a time that was refreshing and the beginning of a journey toward spiritual renewal. After I came back from Alabama, I made the decision to move out of my parents house and into an apartment with my cousin Rebecca. The actual move took place during the last week of June. Also, during June, I found myself infected with MRSA, the flesh eating bacteria.

July: I had officially moved in with Rebecca and the electricity got shut off. I had spent some money getting the water back on, because I refused to live without both, but we were never in a place where we were able to get the electricity back on. During this time Rebecca started staying with Mikey, and I felt very alone living the way I was living. Shortly after the electricity was shut off, the gas got shut off too. Taking cold showers was very "character building."
In addition to this I found myself, a week after I moved out of my parents house, unable to use them as a fall back if things didn't work out as they recieved a letter in the mail claiming property taxes had not been paid on the property. The long and short of it, my parents would end up getting evicted.   At this time I was also working nearly 70 hours a week between my two jobs.

August: In August I applied to transfer to a new department at OE so I could keep my position in the art room, and was passed over for the position, so I put my two weeks notice in.   The day after I put my two weeks notice in, I recieved a phone call offering me a different position in the same department.   After speaking with my boss at the Boys and Girls Club, we decided that I would stay with the Boys and Girls Club on a subbing basis, and that I would indeed leave my position in the art room.
Rebecca and I also recieved an eviction notice from our landlord.

September: Rebecca and I moved out of our apartment, and spent the next month living with our aunt Terry.   I started the new position at OE on September 6.

October: In October, Rebecca, Jamie, and I moved into our new trailer together. I also got my kittens, Bella and Esme. Shortly after moving in, sewage started backing into my room from the hot water heater. Big Mess, not fun. I also got Victoria a job at OE, working with me.

November: In November, I celebrated my 26th birthday. This was the only birthday that has ever really bothered me. It made me realize that much of the last year of my life was spent going through the motions. Growing older never bothers me so much as when I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life.

December: I revisted my 100 pounds in 1 year plan and developed a strategy beginning.... today! That would take me back on the journey to permanent weight loss.    I also found out that instead of doing personal care, I will be spending some time taking on a line for an unknown period of time.

Concluding thoughts:

I really honestly don't remember much of this year. It all kind of centered around work, and that is highly accurate. Work has pretty much been my life for the past.... if not year, then at least for the past 6 months. I don't know what I expected out of 2011. It really wasn't a great year for me. I want to make 2012 better.

One of the ways I've decided to do that, was that instead of going out with some friends to the bar, I started thinking, the way I start my new year is going to have a lot to do with how my year goes this year, and watching others drink and have what they think is a good time... well, it just wasn't on my to do list.

Instead I spent the evening cleaning up my room so that I would have a clean room to start the year with, and then I spent some time doing some spiritual clean up, and I prayed in the New Year. It seemed so fitting. I've had a lot of spiritual darkness this year, and while I had times when I was succumbing to it, I have also had moments when I was fighting against the darkness. This year, I am not going to let the darkness overcome my soul. I have so many things I could say about my spiritual journey, but there is a desire in me to let sleeping dogs lie for the time being and focus on what is coming rather than what is past.   I had no idea what 2011 would bring me, and I have no idea where things will go with 2012.

In addition to starting my year with Prayer, I have also started the Daniel Fast (in response to a challenge from another church I went to last Wednesday).   It is basically a fruit and vegetable and water partial fast. I can tell you my prayer life has increased dramatically just today because I had to pray for strength not to succumb to the foods at the coffee bar at Life Bridge that don't align with the Daniel Fast, and then during the Builders meeting, I had a hard time with my stomach growling while half the food still sat out, and then ofcourse, the smell of Jeni's pizza.... Temptation. I honestly didnt think I would be able to make it through, but somehow I did. I stuck to the fast.  And then today when I came back to my trailer, Jamie had made buiscuits and gravy and it smelled amazing. But somehow I managed to avoid sampling. And then, the other temptations were to dip my carrots in the dressing or dip. Didn't do that either.    Am I proud of myself?   No.   I'm humbled by the extent of my passion for food. Only 20 days left. God help me.

Christmas, The Flu, and Emergen-C

2011-12-26T11:47:00.001-06:00

Christmas morning.... everyone was struck down by the flu. I now have it. I wasn't feeling well since about 2pm yesterday, and them about 5ish I started throwing up. I was at work with the clients at the group home trying to help them celebrate Christmas. finally around 7 pm and after throwing up 3 or 4 times i called the manager and told her I needed to go home. so I did, and I suffered through the night, and now two of my roommates are sick.

I sincerely hope this is truly a 24 hour thing because it is miserable. I think I'm past the nausea and vomitting. oh, there was diarrhea, too... so bad that you sit on the toilet with a garbage can while it comes out both ends. I feel like I was hit by a truck. (not that I actually know what that feels like. its a graphic visual though, lol). I have no energy. My body aches. My tongue feels like cotton.

I have done absolutely nothing to keep myself hydrated. I know I'm supposed to, but at one point I rinsed my mouth out with water and decided to just have a small sip, like the size of a tea spoon to wet my tongue. it was a horrible idea. I started vomitting again right away. so I ditched that idea.

Apparently my body is trying to get rid of whatever attacked my body and its treating everything like the enemy germ. it honestly felt like I was helping my body to keep from putting anything in it.

I never dry heaved either. there was always bile, almost like the nausea only attacked me when something was in my stomach. so I puke up the bile and my body produces more and I feel nauseated again.

As foolish as it may sound, I let my body do its job and didn't try to keep hydrated. Im sure I won't dehydrate too much, and its really pointless to put my body through that agony because I honestly don't think much hydration is going on if I vomit as soon as I drink anyway.

so that being said. I am now in the process of slowly re-hydrating my body. I did not want plain water, and I know my body needs more than water anyway, but if feels foolish to try to put something solid in my body. it also feels foolish to load my body with sugars or caffiene. so what did I do? I pulled out some Emergen-C. Vitamins, antioxidants, electrolites.... that sounds like what my body needs.

But the only way I had ever been able to drink these things was to mix them with a sugary drink. since I can't do that to help with the flavor, I made it like a hot tea, and I can actually handle drinking it. infact, I think it kind of taste good heated up. amazing.

I am in awe of the human body. I know my symptoms were (and still are) quite miserable. but think about what its going on in your body.... it's a war to keep out or kill something that is trying to destroy you.

its not the virus and bacteria that cause your symptoms, the symptoms are your bodies defense against the insidious intruders. or so ive heard anyway.

I wonder what the flu virus would do to my body if my body didn't fight back.

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Waiting on Eternity?

2011-12-14T21:34:00.000-06:00

Have you ever had your own mortality come back to slap you in the face? I'm not saying it has slapped me in the face, but I was struck pretty hard with a realization.   Life feels like it's just going so incredibly fast. I graduated high school almost 8 years ago!   It's not that I want to go back to high school, but I can't help but wonder where these past 8 years have gone.

While I was still in college, I attended one of the musicals Bethel put on and I found myself sitting next to my voice teacher's wife and kids. So of course, I said hello and had some fun talking with the kids, when one of them asked me how old I was. So I told him, "I'm 21." His response was "You're 21? !Wow, you're almost 100!" It was really cute, and I still laugh about it, but today, this week, this month, this past year I have been so stuck on time and the time I have left.   I feel, now only 5 years later (5 years!?!?!, where does the time go?) like I am about to turn 100 years old.

I don't mean that I feel old. I don't feel old. But time is so precious and short and I don't have the sense of immortality that most people feel growing up. I don't have the sense that I'm going to live forever and I do have the sense that time is going too fast.

And then I start thinking about it and I remember, God limited us to 120 years, but most people don't make it that long. It is a reason for celebration if a person makes it to 100 years, but the average life expectancy for a person in the United states is about 80 years (for males, a few years less). Then factor in family health history... diabetes, heart disease, cancer... whatever and that number easily drops by another 10 to 15 years.

So now we are looking at living to be 65 years old when you die. But then factor in your current health to your families health history. Overweight? Smoke or live with those who do? Inactive lifestyle? Dangerous lifestyle? Overstressed?   Work a job that exposes you to disease, or could potentially harm you? If the other health risks weren't enough of a risk because of family health history, they are now multiplied. By how much, I don't know.

But then let's look at this stuff and say that maybe none of it actually ends your life. How long will we live still feeling and being able bodied? How long will we be able to take care of or provide for ourselves? Will we always have function of our legs? Our Bowels? Our minds? Will we be able to live a meaningful life? And if we don't, when do we start losing these abilities?

So what if I only have 50 active and healthy years? I'm already half way through them.

Now these are only 'what if' and worse case scenarios. But it does paint a picture.   Before we know it we have reached the end of our days, whether they are 50 or 80 or 100 and beyond...

I don't want to spend the rest of my short time here simply waiting on eternity.

the Missing Gospel

2011-12-12T23:37:00.000-06:00

I watched the Passion of the Christ this afternoon. There was no particular reason other than I saw the movie sitting in a box and I felt like watching it. I think it's an incredible portrayal of Jesus' last days. It is a hard movie to watch. There comes a point when I start cringing and covering my eyes because it gets so graphic.

While I was sitting here watching it, I realized that it has been a long time since I have read through the Gospels. I cant actually remember the last time I read through them. I might have been more recently, but the closest date I can give is sometime in 2008. Isn't that sad? I've read plenty of other Scriptures besides the gospels, i've been through Proverbs numerous times, I'm working my way through Jeremiah, but other than that it has really been pretty scattered, and somewhat random.

While I've been finding wonderful truths in other parts of scripture, I feel like not going back to the gospels and reminding myself of the life of the man whom the whole of history is all about, is a fast way to lose perspective.

And isn't perspective so crucial?

I think I'm going to spend some time diving into the gospels again.

Well...

2011-12-11T01:20:00.000-06:00

I wish Church wasn't so "tame". Is that another word for boring? Absolutely. But I mean so much more than church is boring, it has more to do with the heart of why church is boring to me. It's not that the speaker is boring or that the messages lack humor. It's just that church is so safe, dull, unmoving, passive, lifeless, (here's a good one) impotent, uninspiring, dispassionate, and sadly... task oriented.

Why would I say such things about the church?   Just because that's how I feel about church right now with my current experiences and feelings.   But the truth is, the way I'm feeling about the church may not totally be how the church really is right now, and that what I'm percieving and putting on the church may simply be the state of my own spiritual being magnifying the issues concerning the church.

Yes, I feel that way, too sometimes.

I'm restless and looking for adventure again.

In other news, a few weeks ago, my boss approached me and asked if I would be interested in trying out a one on one position that was opening up. Even though I would have like the position, I think, I knew my PC co-worker, Victoria wanted the position, but wouldn't ask our boss for it because she didn't want to step on my toes since I'd been there longer. So when my boss offered me the position, I told him Victoria was interested in it, and that if he was okay with her in the position, to let her have it instead, because I was interested in a line anyway, but I would be open if another one on one position opens up He gets an intrigued/thoughtful look on his face and says. "hmm, i'll wait for her to approach me." So I went to Victoria and told her, "it's yours, go ask for it."

So then I was stuck doing PC by myself again. Ugh, it's miserable doing PC by myself. But not too much later, my boss approaches me again and tells me another one on one position was opening up and to give thought to whether I was interested in it or not. I gave it thought, and more out of wanting to not do PC by myself than actually wanting the one on one position, I told him I was willing to give it a try. So it was set up that I would be going to a one on one position and we were searching for two new PC people.

Then on Friday, my boss asked me to come talk with him when I got a minute, so I finished up what I was doing and went and spoke with him. He told me that he had recieved an email from the one on one's staff who said for certain reasons they wanted this particular one on one to have male staff. So my boss is looking now for male staff for that one on one, and I won't be taking the position. But then my boss told me "you get your wish."   I was a little confused, but he explained that he was going to put me on a line because one of the line supervisors was getting burnt out and wanted to just do PC for a while.

I was shocked. I didn't really say much. My boss told me to say yay. I did, but I think he was expecting me to be a little more enthusiastic than I was, lol. I think I was just trying to register what was happening. So, yeah.   I got my wish. I'm going to be taking on a line. :-)

Before Time Runs Out

2011-12-05T23:12:00.000-06:00

It doesn't feel like that long ago that... fill in the blank.

Time flies.

Instead of waiting for something to happen in life that will make me happy. I'm going to find joy where I am. I'm not going to put my life on hold waiting for the right circumstances to think, feel, be or do something because I think that too soon my life will be over and I will look back an have too many ~~regrets~~. Turning another year older never bothers me so much as when I'm not living purposefully, and this past year, I have not lived very purposefully. It's time to change that.

is it worth it?

2011-10-19T22:10:00.001-05:00

There comes a point in your life when you have to ask if the good is worth the pain, and right now, its not. I beg God to make me a robot because I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Im tired of the drama.

God take away my emotion, my feeling, my expectations and my desires. Take the good with the bad, I don't want either one. Make me a robot!

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Eeny... Meeny... Miney... Moe!

2011-08-20T01:43:00.001-05:00

Do you ever get the feeling that some invisible power (moral compass unknown) is trying to mess with you? These past four weeks have been an exhausting, trying, and emotionally confusing.

I am so tired. I am fatigued. Not just my mind, but my body and my spirit. These past 4 weeks I have been working between 12 and 15 hours a day, six days a week.

I was at work this evening filling out the care tracker program, and I had to read each question three or four times because I could not get my mind to focus enough to either understand the question, or to give an answer.

But that aside, this emotional confusion.... It's crazy. Or perhaps the confusion is only a result of the exhaustion. I don't even know.

I work two jobs, Opportunity Enterprise, and the Boys and Girls Club. In September the Boys and Girls Club is going to go back to their fall schedule 2:30 to 8:30 (3:30 to 7:30 in the Art Room), and at OE, I work the 2-10 shifts. Since both jobs will require the same hours, I cannot work 4 days a week at the Club and 40 hours a week at Opportunity Enterprise. So the decision comes down to...balancing the two?

I wanted to stay 40 hours at OE because I signed up for the benefits and I wanted to keep them. I wanted to stay with the Club, because my heart is there. What to do?!!!! I need to do what it takes to survive, and the Club can't offer me the hours or the benefits that OE can. Gosh. It's like choosing love or money.

Well, what I did was to put in a letter of interest at OE to transfer to a day shift. There were none available in the areas I tried to apply to, so HR contacted me and asked if I would like to submit my letter to Enriching Possibilities, the Lakeside section of OE. I said yes, and had an interview not too long afterward.

I thought, maybe this is the way for me to eat my cake and have it too, (so to speak). I wouldn't have to make the sacrifice on either end. Unfortunately for me, nine other people were also applying for the position at Enriching Possibilities, and after a long wait, some worry, and pressing the matter, I spoke with the person I interviewed with and asked if he had a decision yet. The day I asked him, I was told that he just finished the last of the interviews and he probably wasn't going to offer me the position. I didn't know what to say, so I told him I couldn't accept that answer and that he should change his mind. He mumbled something I couldn't quite understand, and I continued doing transport with my co-workers.

I was heartbroken!!! I wanted the position for several reasons, but the heartbreaking reason was that if I didn't get this position, that would mean I would have to quit my position in the art room. (Like, seriously, rip my heart out of my chest). So on Tuesday, I spoke with my boss at the Boys and Girls Club and we agreed to have a discussion on Thursday morning before painting camp to see where things were at.

I started grasping at straws, trying to see if I really exhausted all of my options because the last thing I wanted to do was to give up a job that I feel like I was made for, because I can't survive on 16 hours a week (and don't even get me started on everything going on with the rest of my family right now).

Thursday morning came and I had my meeting with my boss at the Club, and I cried as I told him I had made my decision to leave the Boys and Girls Club. I told him I didn't want to tell the kids. I told him the worst part of this for me is that I'm contributing to the instability that these kids are facing in their lives, and they need something stable, especially since I had only been in the art room 8 1/2 months and I would be the 3rd staff to leave this month.

He expected it. I had earlier revealed to him how much I had been working in the past four months, let alone the past four weeks, and he was awestruck that I had managed to do it as long as I had. And he expressed that even if I had gotten the position I desired at OE and continued to work for the club, I would still be working 11 to 12 hours a day, five days a week, and he feared I would burn out.

He announced it to the kids on Thursday afternoon that today (Friday) would be my last day working for the Club (since the club is shutting down for training and cleaning until September) and he gave it a positive spin, telling them that I had an opportunity to work full time at another job, and they are hard to come by, and that the kids would understand when they were older. But in my mind I heard an accusing voice crying "you chose them over us". And I saw a vision of my hopes and plans for my future and career with the Club wash away with my tears.

I cried again. And I found out later that most everyone thought my boss was playing a trick until they saw me standing there crying. I had my loyal art room kids come into the room and hug me, tell me not to leave, or that they would miss me, and suddenly everyone's idea of a project was to make me a going away present. (such sweet kids, Lol).

But, you know what? I chose to trust God with it. I put the job in his hands and asked his will be done, so if this was my lot then, this was my lot. Even though I didn't like it, I accept that God gives and God takes away and it's all in His Sovereignty.

So. Today, on Friday, I came into work, feeling weight of my last day, the finality of it all, the short notice, since . Painting Camp took a field trip to Painted Penguin. And when we got back, shortly after 1pm, I checked my phone and noticed I had a missed call from OE. I checked the message and it was the person I interviewed with telling me that they are creating another float position and he wanted to offer it to me.

Insert Tarzan yell.

I went and spoke with my boss at the club. He said it's my decision if I want to come back, but now that he knows how much I am/have been working, he is concerned. Can I really work 12 hours a day, five days a week and not ruin my mental or physical health? So, now I am thinking about this. I want my art room position. I had so many ideas and plans for all of it. I was excited.

But I'm so tired. I am weary. My soul is heavy burdened. I miss my friends. I miss my church family and I miss being involved despite the fact that I requested Sundays off back in July. (I see my parents and brothers almost every night, I don't miss them as much) I have no strength to stand on but the strength I have in Christ.

So, my decision that I'm thinking on this weekend is being a sub when needed for the club and kidstop. That way, if I am weary from work, I can tell them no (yeah...we know how hard that is for me) but still be involved and still see the kids I have built into and had positive relationships with.

I feel broken. My heart is broken. But you know... I also feel relieved.

So, this has been my life for now. Right now we are exploring the tragedy and Drama genre's. I will be happy to get back to the comedy genre, or explore the romance one a bit, lol.

But more seriously, Do all of life's decisions have to be this hard or heart breaking?

2011-07-23T00:13:00.001-05:00

I'm feeling pretty good today. I had a strange and disturbing dream last night, though. And I think I had low blood sugar this afternoon but those are my biggest complaints.

I work another 12 hour shift tomorrow. I really hopeI am able to transfer to daily living skills so I can either have saturdays off or only work the short shifts.

Im officially "med certified" now. Bummer. I don't want to pass meds. The only good thing about being able to pass meds is that it gets me out of giving baths for an hour.

I'm so tired. Dleep might be a good option.

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Life will go on and tomorrow will come

2011-07-16T23:13:00.001-05:00

I have had a rotten day. I was supposed to be to work at 9am this morning, but woke up 8:30 because my alarm didn't go off. I need at least 20 minutes to get to work on time. Ended up leaving at 8:45... Then I got stuck behind this street cleaner thing that wouldn't go over 20mph, and frequently dropped down to 15mph. When I am finally able to pass it, I get to hwy 6 to find that they are putting down new asphalt and won't let anyone drive over the road, and they told me I had to find a new route.

I started crying because by this time it was 8:55 and my destination, if I could only have crossed over 6 was just a few miles down the road and the only alternative route I knew of was to take hwy 49, and the only way I knew how to get to it was to go all the way back up to the area where I live and go from there. Well, I didn't do that. I turned around and went to the next possible turn and took my chances of being totally lost. It turned out okay, but I was about 10 minutes late for work.

So I get there and find out that my coworker the only other person who was supposed to be with me until 3pm, called off. Annette did find someone to come in for a few hours, and she was a huge help, but I was still by myself with the guys for the majority of the day.

So I worked my butt off to make sure we wouldn't end up being behind on anything at 4pm when my other co worker was supposed to be.

During this time when I bathed, cooked for, fed, changed undergarments for, washed clothes, changed bedding and cleaned house for 6 men, my brother came to get my car to take it to this place to find out why I have a check engine light on. I don't even remember what he said thee problem was, but it should cost about $50 for the part, and he is gracious enough to fix it when ever I can buy it.

So, at 3pm, I am supposed to have care tracker done (care tracker is... it shouldnt need explaining as its pretty self explanatory) so I start at 2:15 trying to get it done when I realize, the internet isn't working and we can't do care tracker with out it and we get write ups if care tracker doesn't get done. So in the must of e trying to figure out what I'm going to do there, one of the clients yells for me and when I walk into the room I see a second client leaning over the coffee table with his head in his hands sobbing hysterically.

I do my best to comfort him, make a failed attempt to call my manager and finally call another group home, ask them to sign in for me and do care tracker over the phone.

At 2:45, I throw dinner in the oven and then set about finishing getting the guys showered, cleaning up the house, do tube feedings, and a whole bunch of other stuff.

Around 4 my other coworker showed up, and could not believe how much I accomplished by myself. The rest of the evening was okay until I finished my 12 hour shift and got in my car to find that the AC is not working and is in fact blowing out hot air.

I have been exhausted physically and emotionally and frustrated and I was incredibly tempted to run my car into a tree.

But obviously, I didnt. When I had that thought it startled me. I was like omg, its not the end of the world , frustrating, yes, inconvenient, absoultely, but where did that thought come from? I could take a wild guess.

So anyway, that was pretty much my day.

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What do you when you get a day off?

2011-07-05T12:18:00.001-05:00

Well, if you are like me, and your day off is a Tuesday, the day after independence day, you will call some friends and go to the beach.

Sadly, I can not swim as I would desire. The MRSA is practically controlling my life. Ojay, not controlling, but it would be a bad decision to go into lake Michigan with two gaping holes on my torso. Reinfection, spreading the infection, and passing on the infection.... Not good things. But I can enjoy the sun and I can wade in the water, and I can sit in the sand and read the CS Lewis book or the commentary on 1 Corinthians that I got from the library. And that is exactly what I plan to do.

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A whole lot of... something.

2011-07-04T01:16:00.000-05:00

I think I shouldn't wait until I have a ton of stuff to write about before I write. Everything just builds up and up and then it gets to the point of overwhelming to write about. But is that going to stop me? Probably not.

1. My staph infection has been confirmed as MRSA. It is healing quite nicely. My skin is a little bit raw from the tape for my bandages, and it's starting to itch and peel (and get sores because Im scratching the raw area), but I'm doing what I can to prevent the infection from spreading. I'm slightly bothered that it is MRSA, and I'm extremely bothered by the response that I'm getting from Opportunity Enterprise. One of my co-workers estimated that one in ten people at OE have MRSA, yet they insist that I probably got it from somewhere else. Possible, I know, but I was directly exposed to it at OE on a daily basis and unless or until it can be proven otherwise, I believe I got it from OE.

2. Living in the apartment with my cousin went from being something I wanted to do, to something I have to do. My parents got a letter in the mail addressed to our landlord or current resident stating that the property tax has not been paid. And I'm confused about everything inbetween, but the bottom line is that my family needs to move. Even if the property tax were not an issue. Someone sent pictures to someone that show different parts of the house, and my parents got another letter addressed to our landlord or current resident about the condition of the roof that demands it be repaired or a fine will be imposed and the resident vacated from the property. There were even pictures with the second letter detailing the proof.  I personally think the neighbors on our left, the construction restoration business is behind it. I've seen people looking at the house and talking and pointing at different parts of and then walk back over to the business. I went inside and told my mom about it the day it happened. But I am 99% convinced it was them.  So.... My family is being forced out. My reaction? Mixed.   Im thinking, finally, something to get them out, I'm upset that they MAYBE have until August to find something. And if I'm right about the neighbors being behind it, I think that was a crappy thing to do.

Oh, and by the way, my apartment has no water or electric because the bills were behind from the two months my cousin was unemployed and we are trying to get her caught up on the rent she was behind in just so we can stay in the apartment. We have to pay $90 for water and just over $300 for electric to get them back on... I'm sure it will get caught up because I'm helping her now, but until then... yeah.

3. Okay, so I was reading a Proverb the other day and in the Bible i'm borrowing there are these devotional-like things in a blue box in the margins, and I read through both of them. One talked about who you are trying to please and another one talked about the dangers of the love of money. Both of them were connected to the Proverb I read. But I thought about them and about the excuses I made for working at Opportunity Enterprise and not having a day off. I don't want to screw-over my co-workers, I don't want to make my manager angry, it gives me more hours and I could use the overtime anyway.... Well. I was forced to face my excuses for what they were, and that night I prayed for the strength to do what I felt I needed to do, which was to tell my manager that I can no longer work on Sundays. I didn't pray for her reaction or anything like that, because I just expected the guilt trips and the manipulations, I just prayed for the strength to do what I knew was right despite the reaction I expected.

So... Saturday I asked to talk with her privately in her office and when we were ready, we did. I started out telling her that I appreciated the work she put in as manager, and I told her I noticed she gave me Tuesday off and that I'd been wanting a day off that I don't work for either Club or OE and that i really appreciated that I'd gotten one.   I then told her that I feel like I have been extremely generous with my schedule where I could be and that I have had to give up a lot things when I came to work for OE,the most important being the weekends that I spend with my friends, my Monday night group, and the church I attend on Sundays. I told her about my involvement with Life Bridge and my desire to be a part of it again, because I don't really feel connected.   I also told her it was a difficult decision for me to come to, because I don't want to screw up anyone elses schedule, but I need my Sundays, and started next week (because the schedule was already made and I wanted to honor the committment) I would like to have Sundays off.

My manager suprised me at this point. She didn't try to give me a guilt trip, she didn't try to talk me out of it or make me feel bad about it. She simply asked me if I needed my schedule to change anywhere else, I said no, everything else can stay the same, and she said, no problem and wrote down that i'm off on Sundays on sticky note and stuck it by her computer.

Then she suprised me again and thanked me for coming to her and telling her how I was feeling about my job and about my schedule and that she feels like I have come a long way from when I started working there two and a half months ago and that she appreciates what a help I have been to her and the house I work at.

We talked about a few other things regarding the house and I went back to work, but I walked away from that conversation feeling good about it and absolutely thrilled that she was so receptive about what I had to say, because I've walked away from many other conversations with her feeling the exact opposite.

Anyway. That's where I am right now.

Flesh eating bacteria?

2011-06-23T02:12:00.001-05:00

RasIm getting excited to read my devotions each morning because it seems like everyday God gives me something to think about or confirms something I was already thinking about I find that exciting. I think about the devotions and I feel the desire to go deeper. But that's pretty much it. I have not been acting on it. I don't know why. I could blame it on a busy life I guess... I could just try harder... I could ... Do any number of things... But maybe I should pray through it. I will ask God to give me desire that compels me to action.

On the other hand, my boss has been a lot nicer to me, but she is still so unorganized. I should really start praying for her consistently. I did like twice, and i tried to not to ask God to make her a better person, I asked God to help her through stressful times, and to show me ways I can be helpful to her.

And... I may have MRSA. You know, the super bacteria that is now resistant to most antibiotics and has been the cause of several deaths in the U.S. ... Yeah.. That. It could be cellulitis, or any number of things, but I have this huge knot, like an abcess on my upper left side of my abdomen with a small hole in it. It started on monday as a really small pimple like bump, only it was clearly not a pimple, it was a small bump with pus, no bigger than the pointed part of a carpenters nail. I saw it, rubbed my hand over it and it popped, but it didnt ooze pus, it bled slighty. I tried to squeeze it a little... Just blood. So I thought nothing of it. The next day, suddenly it was turning red and a bump the side of a quarter had started under the skin. By the end of the night the bump was the size of a silver dollar. I showed it to my mom, and she said it could be an ingrown hair. So I was like okay and decided to just keep an eye on it. This morning it was even bigger and since noon it has nearly doubled in size. It is painful to do anything that puts pressure on it or moves it, so bending over, walking, sitting... All painful. I showed the lump to one of my coworkers and she said " oh f*** that looks like MRSA." I almost started crying right there because one of our clients does have MRSA in his urine and we have to handle his urine because he has a catheter. I always wear gloves and wash my hands, but is that enough?

So, im opting to get it checked out, especially since it is highly contagious if it is MRSA. But on the plus side, if it is MRSA, my employer should take care of the bill. On the down side, once you get it, you are a carrier for life, just like with the herpes virus.

I spent my first night in the new apartment last night. I slept so well! And I woke up so happy. I hope this works out.

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Impatient

2011-06-20T00:22:00.000-05:00

It's funny, you know... I've thought that maybe God was trying to teach me patience (among other things) with everything I've been in the waiting period for lately, and I laugh as I think about it because right now at this very moment, I am feeling quite impatient. It's also funny because I can be and generally am a very patient person. But I'm feeling quite impatient right now.

I'm feeling impatient because I have stuff sitting outside my house that I need to bring to the apartment I'm moving into and I want to do it tonight. But in all fairness, the weather channel is calling for a chance of rain tonight, and I don't want the mattress to get wet.

I had found a bedroom set for $100 on craiglist.com that had a bed frame, 2 dressers and a night stand. I emailed the people and they had already sold it. So I was like okay and I figured maybe I should wait on the dressers bed frame and such and just sleep on a mattress on the floor until I could buy one from walmart. But then I thought, I will go see if anyone posted anything new on craigslist, and I found a listing for a dresser, bedframe, and a small 2 shelf bookshelf (about the size of a night stand) and I sent the people an email. I got a call later that day and found out it was the same people who were selling the other bedroom furniture!

The woman said they were selling her mom's stuff. (I don't know if her mom died or if something else happened.) But this set was only $60 and the woman gave me a mattress and a box spring for the bedframe, and she gave my dad(he was picking it up since I had to work today) 5 plants for me (on the phone we had talked about how we love to take care of plants). It was pretty exciting because it was a surprise to me.

Anyway, all that aside, This morning I went to work, because we had a vacation with the clients and we had to leave early and I said I would go. I was working for an hour by myself so during that time (after I finished brushing teeth and other needs) I sat down at the kitchen table to read my devotion and one of the higher functioning clients came over and asked me to read them to him. So I did. I read the Scripture, then I read the thoughts that went with it. :-) I don't know how much of it he understood, but I found it really exciting that he wanted to be involved.

More another day. I'm tired.

Moving Day...

2011-06-16T03:18:00.001-05:00

Im moving out of my parents house and in with my cousin Rebecca. She lives in Chesterton. I don't mind chesterton so much. It wil be no worse than driving to South haven for kidstop, only the area where she lives is closer. I mey with Rebecca tonight and told her I made my decision and I'm feeling good about moving in. I feel like I got some clarity on things when I went to Alabama. Not because I was specifically seeking those things at that moment, but I think the stress of life really puts me in as place where i don't listen to Gods leading... For whatever reason.

You know... I've had a daily time with God since I've been back. (woohooo, a whole 6 days!) I hope it lasts. I hope that I hunger for daily time with God, and that my few minutes everyday increase in length and quality. I hope I thirst for Good in such a way that spending time with him is like falling in love... So natural.

Anyway. I don't know when the actual moving day is yet... I moved some stuff today (like at midnight, lol) and I pulled a fairly decent box springs and mattress from someones garbage pile. They were put out today and they got wet from the rain today, so I have to figure out howe to dry them with out letting them mildew. Hmmmm....i also found a bed frame, 2 dressers, and a night stand (a set) in good condition, for a total of $100. I hope the people respond to me soon because I feel that its a great deal and it gives me just what I need. Everything else I think I can wait on, but I will probably search good will for some sheets for a double bed.

For now that is the plan. Im hoping to move in completely by Tuesday, that woll include getting my stuff my parents put in the storage...

It seems like forever until the day when I will actualt start sleeping there.

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Alabama... Indiana, what's the difference?

2011-06-11T21:56:00.000-05:00

I had such a wonderful, incredible, spiritually rich, restful, refreshing, enjoyable time in Alabama with my friend Stephanie and her husband Chris. I started my journey to Alabama just before 6 am (to beat rush hour) and got there just before 9pm (because I hit rush hour in Birmingham, lol). When I arrived I was greeted with a great big hug from Stephanie and Chris. They served me tea, and we talked for an hour or so, and then showed me where I would be sleeping, which happened to be a guest room all to myself! Stephanie had left a gift for me on the pillow of the bed, a framed picture of her and I from her wedding, and a beatiful red box with one of the bible times oil lamps from the wedding (as a sort of gift with meaning since I was the one who lit the candles, lanterns, and oil lamps that represented different aspects of being the bride of Christ.)

I went to bed that night feeling like I could start relaxing. And I did. And I slept really well. The next morning I awoke, dressed, brushed my teeth, pulled out my Bible and read. Shortly afterward, I left the guestroom and was greeted by Stephanie with a hug. I helped Stephanie make breakfast for the two of us while she shared her morning devotions with me. (turns out, that day was pentecost((when they recieved the spirit))and the jewish calendar celebrates the first fruit harvests, and they had a tradition of tieing a red ribbon or string around the first of their fruits to bloom and dedicated them to the Lord), so after we ate, Stephanie showed me her garden and we tied red string around the first and best fruits. After this, we packed a picnic lunch and I went with Stephanie to run some quick errands for her mom, after the errands, we ate our picnic at a park, walked in a dry riverbed, took some pictures, got smoothies, then went to Bible Study (which served dinner in a small, poor community of dedicated Christ-followers).

After Bible Study Chris, Stephanie, and I went back to their house, looked at photo albums from Bethel, talked about the wedding and how people are doing, and ended up going to bed close to midnight. I went to bed and again, had a good nights rest (but a few strange dreams, lol). Thursday I slept a little late and Stephanie came into the room about 9:30 when I was getting dressed and gave me a huge hug. Then we ate breakfast and painted until Chris came home from his dentist appointment. We ate homemade pizza for lunch, and painted a little more, then went to see Pirates of the Carribean 4, had smoothies and then came back to their place, did some more painting, and they had a guest come over and we had dinner, relaxed, painted, shared about life with one another, and went to bed expressing that I did not want to leave and Stephanie did not want me to go and actually tried to convince me to stay another day.

Friday morning we got up, had breakfast, and went to a statepark, walked around, took pictures, and I left around 10am. I got back home just before midnight.

It was such a good week!

So now I'm back home, and guess what. It's been less than a whole day and I'm already incredibly stressed out.

I had to work at 7am to 1pm so I could go to Josh and Kim's wedding, but I got off of work late and ended up being late to the wedding, and missed half of it.
But to add to this, I left my manager a sheet of paper detailing my availability for the summer, and it turns out that she must not have followed it because she scheduled me to work 2pm to 10pm on Thursday and Friday, when I am supposed to be working for the boys and girls club until 5pm on Thursday and Friday. Furthermore, she is probably going to be very upset when I tell her that I can't work until after 5pm because she is the only other person scheduled for 2pm-4pm on Thursday, and only one other person is scheduled on friday from 2pm-4pm. I am anticipating a lecture or a guilt trip, neither of which I am prepared to deal with, despite the fact that I gave her my summer availability and she ignored it (apparently). *Sigh*

Stephanie made mention of me moving to Alabama as a possibility for my future. I would seriously consider it.

I'm also seriously re-considering my position with Opportunity Enterprise.

Venting

2011-05-09T00:03:00.000-05:00

When the simplicity of life is gone, so is it's innocence.

No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. (Matthew 6:24a)

The only thing I can say to that is Amen! Between my two employers (and three jobs) I feel like the harlot running between her lovers trying to please them both.

Pretty graphic image, huh? It sucks. Only, I do not love one and hate the other, and I'm not devoted to one while I despise the other. Actually... I kind of despise both of them (and I hate that I feel that way). Right now they are like crying babies, and they both want 100 percent of me, right now.

I turned down the Kindergarten Site Director position for kidstop because I said I waited a long time for the art room position and the two jobs overlapped. I have been filled with great sadness since I turned the position down. I told Mary when I first started working for Kidstop that I wanted a position in the kindergarten room if one ever became available. Now that it's available, I turned it down. If it weren't already too late, maybe I would reconsider, even though I love working in the art room. But I know that someone else has already talked to my boss about the job, so it's not an option and I shouldn't think about it anymore.

On the other hand, I love working with the clients for OE. They are fun, and hilarious, and I feel really good about what I'm doing.... but I don't think I can handle being degraded and critisized incessantly from one particular co-worker. I don't want to leave the BGC to work just for OE, but I especially don't want to do that if that's going to be my experience.

I feel like I'm running on Empty.
I haven't had a day off of work since I started working for OE.

Trying to reconcile and work out my schedules to accomodate both employers to the fullest extent of their expectations is stressing me out.

I'm feeling burdened by the needs of my household to continue to survive, hearing one person say this bill is due and they are X amount of dollars short, or that we don't have money for groceries, or that that bill needs to be paid by X date or it will get shut off, or that the hot water heater broke, or that the faucet in the sink broke, or that the roof in someone's room is leaking because of the rain. Call me selfish, but it bugs me that I live like a guest in this house, but because I have the money now to help get these things paid or fixed, I feel obligated to spend my earnings taking care of everyone elses problems rather than securing or preparing to better my own future.

I feel like the future is only going to get harder, and my life will never change.

I feel like I can't have the things I want in life.

But probably the worst of it all is that I feel completely and utterly alone in all of it. Where are my friends? I can't even talk to my family about my frustrations because they don't want to hear me "b*tching about how life sucks." I'm trying to be understanding because to them hearing me complain is like me hearing them talk about the needs of the household.

Sigh

Overwhelming Sacrifice

2011-05-06T00:26:00.000-05:00

Well, my boss for Kidstop, Mary, offered me a job for the fall as the Kindergarten Site Director. I wanted this job and I had to turn it down because I also want to keep my position in the art room, and the two positions have the potential to overlap. I am also working for Opportunity Enterprise. I forget how long I've been working there because I haven't had a day off since I've started working there. (I miss having days off from working).

Between the Boys and Girls Club and Opportunity Enterprise, I'm working about 57 hours a week. I'm getting a paycheck every week right now, but they are so small, that they hardly seem rewarding, even though I know that in the timespan of a month, I'm making more than double what I made before I started with OE.

I'm also giving up my morning position at South Haven when the school year ends because I can't handle starting work at 6:30am. It breaks my heart.

I got my work Schedule for the OE Group Home today and I'm scheduled to work during the time that Im supposed to be at church. That breaks my heart more.

I hope the sacrifices I am making now can help me to solve some of my problems and maybe in the future sacrifices like the ones I'm making now won't be necessary.

To pledge Allegiance... or Not

2011-04-21T13:10:00.001-05:00

Yes, This will be highly controversal.

Yesterday My grandma posted the pledge of allegiance status that has been going around on facebook. I commented on her status explaining why I wont repost it, and this is what I said:
Grandma, I would repost this if I believed in it. But I don't believe this anymore. I don't believe in the republic that the flag stands for. I definitely don't believe this nation stands under God. I don't believe we are indivisible, and... I certainly don't believe there is justice for all. I will not pledge allegiance to a country I don't believe in.

It's not that I'm worried about what others will think. It's that Im jaded about what this country has become and I cant repost something that I don't believe in.
I was attacked for this, of course (shame on you, you know who you are), I was told what I said was BS, and I care nothing for soldiers, and that 9-11 meant nothing to me, and that I'm not American, and it definitely held an undertone of self-righteous americanism... you know the kind of snide, sarcastic response where they are attacking you personally but trying to make it sound not so bad. Yeah, it was one of those.

So, because of that, I'm going to get it out in the open. No, I don't pledge allegiance to this country. This is not an attack on Soldiers. I support soldiers and have the highest respect for them. It's America that I take issue with.

Take a look at what is going on in this country and tell me that God is still a part of it. Or perhaps people are trying to get rid of God. That's why students are getting in trouble for even just having their Bibles at school. That's why preachers are being sued over what they preach about that's why a teacher in California got in trouble for having the pledge posted in his classroom because it said under God on it. That's why this pledge status is going around.... to confront people who are afraid of offending people because the words under God are in the pledge. Now look and tell me honestly, do you really believe this country wants God in it? I don't.

Then take a look at the government and tell me we are not divided. The government almost shut down this month because democrats and republicans couldn't come to an agreement. Yeah.... that doesn't sound very united to me. And let's not forget that the government DID shut down in 1995 and 1996, for a disagreement between political agenda's. Do I even need to mention other conflict and consequences of this nation being divided?

Then look at the injustice that happens every single day and tell me that there is justice for all. There is so much injustice that I am overwhelmed with the idea of even trying to pick a starting point! There may be a black man in office, but you go ask, not just black people, but any minority, if they feel like there is justice for all. Most of them are going to tell you no. Look at the evidence of it... Women and minority make less money. Minorities and low income people are still treated unfairly. By jobs, by police, by other americans... America is not quite the land of opportunity that everyone seems to believe it is. Maybe it was once, but it isn't now... not unless you have money, anyway. Oh, and for kickers to the person who made snide comments about me, let's take a look at what is happening to American Veterans. Why are so many of them homeless? Why are there soldiers who have not recieved the benefits promised to them or soldiers families who don't recieve the benefits when their loved ones are killed in war? Soldiers who have dedicated everything they have for America... is that Justice? Not to me.
'One nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all' does not apply to the America I live in. What is there to hope for? What is there to believe in? What is there to pledge allegiance to? A broken economy?

This world is not my home, I hold no loyalty to it.
You want to know what I do pledge allegiance to? I pledge allegiance to God who loves us. ALL OF US. I pledge allegiance to the Christ who died on the cross in my place where I deserve to be. I pledge allegiance to him who was raised to life again and preparing a place for those who love Him. I pledge allegiance to Jesus whose life I am going to be celebrating this weekend. That is where my hope of life comes from, and He is who I take pride in.

When the time is right...

2011-04-05T21:09:00.001-05:00

So I did some self reflecting today and I realized something. Well, what happened was my cousin Brandy got stuck at home and needed a ride to work, so I came to her rescue. While driving her to work, she and I talked about different things, went to lunch at KFC, and then right before she went to work, we walked in front of an empty storefront and started making up a story about how we would rent the space and live there with our lives on display for the rest of the town to come and watch us live our lives like some sort of reality show and we would become rich and famous.
Then after I left she sent me a text message and our conversation went something like this:

Brandy: Come back and we'll just run away together
Me: Okay, I'm on my way
Brandy: LMAO hurry
Me: LOL, I wish
Brandy: ur really not coming?/
Me: No
Me: Sorry
Brandy: aww ur makin me sad
Me: Such is life
Brandy: i guess, when u dont love me no more
Me: Keep the dream alive, it will happen someday, the timing just isn't right now
Brandy: u should move to missouri with me
Me: when the time is right...

The conversation ended at that point and it kind of got me thinking.

First of all, I was happy that in the midst of everything going on in our lives, even if we are just dreaming of an escape, we are still dreaming and that is a good thing. I think it means that hope still exists in us. And I think it's when we lose hope that we really begin to lose something vital to our lives, so I am estactic that we still have hopes and dreams. The second thing I realized is that timing is so crucial and vital. I wonder, even if timing is everything (like the old saying goes). I've been trying to make a decision on what to do with having a second job now. Do I live at home a little longer and pay off bills quickly or do I get an apartment of my own and be out of my families house now. I've realized that either way, both are going to happen. I'm going to pay off bills, and I'm going to move out someday. It's just a matter of when... of when the timing is right.

I don't know when the time is right... I don't know what the right timing for anything is right now, but I gotta tell you, I feel more at peace with the decisions I have to make when I think about God's timing and how I want to follow His timing for my life. I mean, this is more than just the moving out thing. Between ideals of marriage, of finishing college, having children and starting a family, working a full time job that I enjoy and moving up in that same career... moving out of my parents house... All of these things and more are thing that I may want now or feel impatient about, but they will come.... All in time. All in God's time. I don't know how to explain it any further than that. I just feel better thinking about how the time has to be right.

A better future

2011-04-02T23:19:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a dream. It's been quite a while since I woke up, so the dream is no longer fresh in my mind, infact, it's starting to get really fuzzy, but it seemed so profound to me when I woke up.
It started as a dream within a dream... I was dreaming about dreaming of a battle with the enemy (Satan). The battle seemed to me somewhat like a Harry Potter wand duel or something, and I was losing. When I awoke in the dream I ran to this room, and I recruited some people with the utmost urgency to help me battle the enemy. They came, but they were not immediately with me in battle, I think perhaps they were praying. But the battle scene was the same as it was in the dream within a dream, and when it began this time I came in with a fierceness, declaring boldly something to the effect of 'the Power of Christ is in me' and other statements, and even quoting scripture. I was winning the battle.
I woke up before the dream could conclude, but I spent a long time thinking about it.

Last night I also had a glimse of a future that seemed much brighter than the present. I don't always love living at home with my parents. In fact, my sanity is often screaming for change, but I really think if I can stick it out for a little longer, I know I can get a lot of bills paid off... but last night I realized that I am now in a position where I will not only be able to pay off my smaller bills that I wanted to start with, but I can also pay off the rest of what I owe to Bethel College and pay for the credit hours to take one or two classes either online, or during the day or an internship or Saturday Seminar or something. I would even be able to afford the gas money to go back and forth once or twice a week (depending on how high gas prices get after summer)

I don't know what I will do yet. but the furture does not seem hopeless and that makes me pretty happy. I'm going to have options now that weren't available to me before. I'm going to have to work extremely hard from now on, but I'm willing to work hard.

Dear emotions...

2011-04-01T22:54:00.000-05:00

Dear Emotions,
Please stop screwing with me. He is a beautiful person with a beautiful soul, but I do not want to be developing a crush on him. I have known him almost a year now and it really ticks me off that I could go so long and not have any feelings towards him and then suddenly I see him one day and I feel my heart flutter. There is really no reason for that. I was doing just fine not having a crush on anyone and I really want it to stay that way. I hate the highs and lows and I hate the idea that the feelings I have will probably go unrequitted. Furthermore, there is a difference between a good man and a godly man, and I don't know where he stands in regard to God and I refuse to set myself up for failure anymore. This cannot happen again.
Sincerely,
Amanda

So irritated about this...

2011-03-31T00:29:00.000-05:00

I'm getting tired of getting comments from people I work with who make me feel bad about getting a second job (well, third if you count kidstop and the club art room as two separate jobs). But Seriously. I never thought anyone could make me feel bad about having two(or three) jobs until this week.
When Opportunity Enterprises called me to let me know they were going to hire me, I was happy. Was I excited? To be honest, no, not really. The thought of having a second(or third) job did not exactly thrill me, but I didn't dread it either.
But if you say that you are not excited, or that you think this might be the least excited you've ever been, everyone seems to assume that automatically means you dread it to the core of your soul. So of course, the person who hears this is a huge gossip and the next thing I know, I'm hearing that people are talking about it. But not only are they talking about it, they are talking very judgementally about it.

So this week as I've gone to work, how many comments did I recieve about getting another job? Too many.
I mean seriously, whose business is it that I have another job, and why make comments like "What kind of bills do you have that you need another job?" or "Why get another job if you don't think you'll like it?"

Really? I mean really? First of all, I never said I wouldn't like it, I only said I wasn't excited about it. Second, even if I didn't think I would like the job, life is not a pleasant box of chocolates where all things unpleasant can be avoided at all times. Sometimes you have to do things in life that you may not want to do in order to simply get by.

I think I must live a life that people can not imagine or comprehend. Just tonight my parents were joking with a friend of theirs that little house on the prairie's got nothing on their kids.

To me, this is life. Working hard is a part of my life and I accept it. Making sacrifices is a part of my life, and I accept it.

And I have to admit it really pisses me off when I feel like people are looking down on me because working hard and making sacrifices are a part of my life... like I'm less than other people because I haven't grown up with the same priveliges or that I'm making some sort of stupid decision.

I think the thing that bothers me in addition to the comments right now is the gossip. I haven't had a problem with gossip with the actual club, but in the Kidstop Unit, it's like being in high school again. Ugh. Get a life people and stay out of mine.

A Common Theme...Direction

2011-03-27T23:12:00.000-05:00

In addition to working for both Kidstop and the Art Room at the Boys and Girls Club, I am now going to be employed by Opportunity Enterprises.

I am trying to figure out what to do with my employment. I will hopefully be working, between the three positions, at least a 40 hour work week. I don't know if I should try to get an apartment by myself, live at home and pay off the car bill and some other expenses, or something completely different.

There have been some family tensions at home, and I could really use a space of my own. I know that money would still be tight, and I would like to live so that Im not completely broke two days after I get paid.
However, if I can stick it out with my family for the few months to a year I can get a lot of bills paid off and be in a much better position to live on my own.

I don't know what to do, but I want to do what is best for me and will be most honoring to God.

I am waiting for direction.

Does God really never give us more than we can handle?

2011-03-20T22:55:00.000-05:00

God never gives nor allows us more than we can handle. I don't know about you, but I don't believe it's true. There have been times in my life when I've gone through different things and moments, and I've felt very keenly that I could not handle whatever it was.
I also think if we never went through anything we couldn't handle, then someone has to explain depression, suicide, anxiety, breakdowns, etc.

Have you ever asked anyone to show you the Scripture where it says or alludes to God not allowing us more than we could handle? The fact is that the Bible doesn't say or allude to that peice of misinformation. In fact, I would even argue that the opposite is true. I mean, when you think about it... If we could handle everything that came our way, then we wouldn't need God. Is God in the habit of making Himself irrelevant to us?

On the other hand, there are plenty of Scripture references that are quite encouraging in the midst of trial.

For example:

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says that God comforts us in our trials

Nehemiah 8:10 says the Joy of the Lord is our strength

Hebrews 13:5 says he will never leave or forsake us

Deuteronomy 20:4 says he fights for us

Matthew 6:31-33 says he provides for our needs

And there is so much more that God has to say about how much He loves and cares for us. I think a lot of us get carried away in our own ideas of how God should care for us, not realizing that God doesnt necessarily do things our way or answer prayers in the way that we would want Him too. And that's okay. Infact, maybe we should trust him more with that. He sees things a lot better than we do.

I am a Dandelion

2011-03-20T16:18:00.000-05:00

A rose is beautiful simply because she is a rose.
She is delicate and soft, and requires special care.
And most people don't mind a bit when she is there.
She brightens rooms, she's special enough.
You may gaze on her beauty, but dont you dare touch.
The rose is designed to protect her self even from those who love her.
That's why she has thorns.
I am a dandelion.
Most people don't see the beauty in me
because my beauty is deeper than what you see.
I'm hardy, resilient, strong, and alive.
I do what I can so I can survive
When most people would rather pluck me up and throw me away,
Or choke me out of existense.
But I am not a weed.

Money Money Money

2011-03-05T18:59:00.000-06:00

Money is a source of frustration for me. It is virtually impossible to live without money, and sometimes it seems just as impossible to earn it! I consider myself lucky to have a job, not to mention one that I enjoy. But I look around me, and I see people with full time jobs making 15, 20, 30, 40+ thousands of dollars and I can't even imagine how one person can make that much money, let alone hundreds and thousands more.

It really blows my mind to observe their lifestyles. I can't imagine it, the things that they have and do and the opportunities that seem to be available to them! I can't even list the things they have or do.

What I mean by that is that I can't imagine it for myself. I can't even imagine or see myself ever being financially independent enough to survive this life without my parents, and that scares me.

I want these things. You cannot comprehend my desire for these things. And it's not that im coveting other people's things, it would be more accureate to say I desire so much not to be where I am, that I have this ideal of where I want to be, but I don't know what that looks like other than what I've seen other people have.

And I know I don't want everything that everyone else have. In fact, what I desire most is to be independent, whatever that looks like.

I have so much more I would like to express, but I'm becoming so distressed that I don't think that would be wise or productive.

The fact is, I'm feeling very lost again. I want to improve life, but I don't know how.

Another Face lost in the Crowd, Another soul too jaded to hang around....

2011-02-22T21:30:00.000-06:00

Okay, let me be blunt. After talking with a friend tonight about church, I realized that there are so many things about Life Bridge that I love, but relationally, I feel like I'm starving.

Let me be clear. This is not a new feeling. I don't have these feeling just because I spoke with my friend tonight who Pursued a Different Church Body for exactly that reason. I spent the first few years at Life Bridge going back and forth to College. If there was a relational disconnect, I was not in a place that I would have been too concerned or noticed. But then... After I left Bethel and started going to church consistently, I was looking for those relationships and I didn't find a lot of them.

Then slowly, one by one people started being called to other churches, the few people I had relationships with, over this past few years started leaving.

So in 2009, I left to work for Camfel Productions and really felt the disconnect. I tried to stay connected to Life Bridge, sending post cards and letters... Tammy called me, and Becca wrote back to me, but I was otherwise unheeded. Out of site out of mind.

I've disconnected since then. I've gone through incredible depression, loneliness, and junk that hasn't changed much, but I've been trying so hard to feel connected and right, and while things have improved slighly in my own mind, and with my small group. I still feel terribly disconnected.

The thing that talking with my friend did do, was give me the mind to start praying about whether God wants me to stay at Life Bridge or seek fellowship (ultimitely relationships) somewhere else.

I will admit I have searched other churches online. The thing is that there is so much I love about LifeBridge that I don't want to give up. But I want more an idea of nurturing relationships, I want the practice of it and it's exhausting when you try to be relational and no one responds.

I wonder if this is the struggle my friend Josh had/is having.

So I will continue to pray.

It Is Well With My Soul

2011-02-22T15:53:00.000-06:00

I was browsing a friends blog just a little while ago and I came upon the instrumental version of the song It Is Well With My Soul, and the comment that this was his favorite hymn. I had to go to youtube and listen to it with words. The fact is, I love this song too. I adore this song. The lyrics are beautiful, the prayerful, reverent, and worshipful style of delivery, mixed with a hint of an underlying joy I think really complete the song. I have Selah's version here and I think they do wonderful with it. (I'm sorry, I'm not a fan of Jars of Clay's version, I think it is because the way they sing it seems so non-chalant), but my favorite version of this song was they way Shawn Holtgren arranged it for Chapel at Bethel College. But I think that's because when we sang it together in Chapel, the joy in it wasn't an underlying joy. The joy was present and real and poweful. I could hear it! This song is just powerful.

What's more is that I feel like I am getting to the point where despite the troubles in my life, I can truly say again that it is indeed well with my soul.

Thoughts, Decisions, Prayers

2011-02-21T00:03:00.000-06:00

Well, the weekend before this Sunday I went to South Bend/Mishawaka to see Bethel College's musical production of Cinderella. (which was wonderful, by the way). Since Christine and Doug decided to have a night to themselves in a hotel I stayed with my friend Katie.

First I will say that I know Doug and Christine are getting to the point where they may be wanting to get married soon, but it's been getting a little frustrating that it seems like I ask them if they want to do something (like go see Cinderella) and they say sure, then make a romantic evening of it knowing full well that I'm going with. I guess it's not such a big deal except for the fact that I invited them to go see the musical and then they made a night together that 1. excluded me, and 2. did not have to be planned for that night seeing that it was planned after the invitation was made.

But as long as I've known Christine she has consistently dropped pre-made plans with me because something better came along (and half the time she doesn't even call to let me know). But to her credit, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she doesn't do this every time something better comes along (though I have no evidence to prove otherwise,)  But I let her treat me like a back up plan, so who's to blame, really?

That's all beside the point, just a bit of frustration I face every now and then, but I love my friend Christine and I want to support her as her friend.

Anyway, this time, though, I am glad for the experience I got when they found a place for me somewhere else because I stayed with my friend Katie. Katie lives in an intentional community house and works with the Catholic Worker in South Bend. I stayed with her and we had the opportunity to catch up with one another and serve with one another on Sunday morning.

On Sunday morning we went to the Catholic Worker and spent time there doing laundry for people, giving people a place to take a shower, and serving breakfast.

It was an incredibly humbling experience. Doing anything that you're not familiar with is a humbling experience and I felt so lost on what to do. I was afraid I was going to offend someone, or severely piss them off.

Being around people that were homeless or perhaps not homeless but simply poverty class did not bother me. I am right there with them. I have a roof over my head, but I live in poverty. I suspect my poverty is not as severe, but it is poverty none-the-less. The point is I am not bothered by Society's poor and needy.

But I was stretched, and there were times when I did feel uncomfortable. I know, and it's unfortunate, that a large part of the homeless population are people who are... well, to put it bluntly... special needs. Whether they are special needs because they were born that way (or made that way through war, accident, or some other means beyong their control) and lack the care others recieve, or whether they are special needs because of drug induced problems, this is a reality, and they have grown to learn how to take care of themselves the only way society lets them.

I don't know how many of the people who came to the Catholic worker last week were special needs. I don't know if any of them were special needs or if they were simply on a high from drug use. I don't know whether they were homeless, or if they were living in severe poverty conditions, or if they lived fairly decently but just lacked a washing machine and dryer. I don't know anything about the people there, and I don't want to make assumptions about them.

But I was stretched because I was fellowshipping with people who had demeanors and attitudes that were so vastly different than anything I've experienced or expected.

There was an instance where an older man came in and was seeking someone to trim his hair and beard. A young woman with a small child said to him "I haven't seen you in a while, where have you been." They guy replied that he had just gotten out of jail. The woman said back to him: "At least you were in a safe place"

Jail is a safe place? I guess if you really think about it from a different perspective, in jail you are protected from the elements (weather), you are garanteed a meal every day, you are given clothes to wear, you can even get your GED in jail. I guess that's fairly safe considering what the alternative is.

I think the most uncomfortable part of the day was not even seeing the differences in demeanor and attitude. It was one person, (I don't know what to call him, a client, I guess), who would yell at other clients, beat his chest, stomp his feet, and start fights. He expressed so much anger, like everything anyone did was a personal affront to him.

Katie wondered if he heard voices, whether due to mental illness, drugs, or spiritual stuff, we wouldn't know.

Overall, it was a good experience and I was glad for the opportunity to serve there.

Afterward I got to spend some more time with Katie and she asked me how she could pray for me, so I let my financial situation spill, I confessed the mistakes I've made in the past, I told her about how I have used money irresponsibly,the downward spiral in dealing with it, the unexpected expenses, the confusion with deferments, the things that were beyond my control.... everything.

In this past week I have been thinking about how to help myself financially. One of the things I have splurged on was my phone. I have T-mobiles unlimitted talk(night and weekends only), text and web for $59.99/month not including tax. plus I pay an extra $35/month because I'm buying a smart phone with a bunch of features I don't need for roughly $500, and I have it on a two year plan where I pay off a portion each month with my cell bill.

I've been thinking about how this is such a needless expense. At first I planned to simply pay off the phone and have the extra $35/month. But the more I think about it, the more I've been thinking about switching to the talk and text plan and forget the web altogether. It would take my bill down to about $39.99/month, not including taxes.

I even though about doing talk only, but so much of my communication is done through text messaging that I don't think I can get away with it anymore.

But $40 a month plus whatever tax... I could handle that. I feel like that would be a financially responsible decision. The problem... I believe my current phone requires a data plan (since it's the phone that rivals the iPhone). So I called T-mobile tonight and I don't think I can get out of the contract I'm in with the phone and I may have to simply pay it off and suffer a loss. Maybe donate the phone to someone seeking a phone... I don't know.

I've also thought about just keeping my plan the same and only paying offthe rest of what I owe.   I will keep praying.

Not just for wise financial decisions, but for the strength to put them into practice.

I am also seeking so desperately for God's guidance for my life. I have no idea where I am supposed to be.

Am I supposed to finish college?
Am I supposed to stay here?
Am I supposed to try for that Program in Tennisee?
Or in Colorado?
Or in some other program I found?
Will I marry?
Have Children?
Stay single?
Work at the Boys and Girls Club?
Return to Camfel?
Dedicate my life to a noble cause like Katie's ministry with the Catholic Worker?
Seek something entirely new?

I don't know where I belong. So I'm praying for God's leading and waiting.

Waiting.

Guilt... Over what? Eating!?!

2011-02-10T23:05:00.002-06:00

I don't know how to say what I am feeling. I feel guilty. I have not weighted myself, but I have a sense of having gained weight. That could be because we're actually eating a few times a day rather than once a day and my mind interprets that as the right conditions to cause weight gain.

So lately I've been feeling guilty whenever I eat, regardless of how much I actually eat or how healthy it is. And I feel fearful that I'm gaining weight. Im having a hard time with body image today.

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Another Obstacle

2011-02-02T15:27:00.000-06:00

Well, I will admit I'm feeling a bit depressed again. I have been trying to get ahold of my those who are holding my student loans so I can get yet another deferrment on them when I finally get ahold of one after dealing with being referred/transferred to people/phone numbers several different times, and going rounds with an automated service that wasn't answering my questions (but what it was saying was starting to really scare me)...

So when I finally spoke with soeone to find out what was going on, I learned that I have three different lenders and only one of them was covered under my deferment.

So apparently I have been in default with two of my loan providers and the one I was talking to today (Which was not, the perkins loan like I was hoping to contact someone about) is now in collections.

I feel extremely cheated with my student loans right now. I owe almost $30,000 for what? Certainly not a degree, I can tell you that much. My hope of finishing that degree keeps looking slimmer and slimmer. The impossibility is that I can't get financial aid since two of my loans are in default. All my classes have to be paid up front. When the school charges $550 per credit hour that gets a bit tricky.

I'm very seriously considering trying to get my last PE Credit and just graduating liberal arts rather than trying to finish the degree in Youth Ministry and Adolescent Studies.

Im trying very hard not to feel angry, depressed, helpless and such but I don't know what to do. I want to be responsible, but everytime I make an effort to act responsibly (over things I didn't even know were an issue, remember) it seems like another little monster tries to rear his ugly head.

I have seriously considered bankruptcy (not for the student loans, but other things) and I can't bring myself to do it yet. I want to repay what I owe.

But what do I do to put myself in a place where I am financially able to make the payments?

I'm still trying to figure that out. I'm currently seeking another part time job that I don't really want just so I am doing something and making some sort of effort to better myself.

I'm still waiting on and trusting God. Instead of trying to get rid of my obligations when things get incredibly hard Im trying to be faithful. God please consider my insignificant efforts to be faithful and show me some mercy.

Now this is truly introspective

2011-01-31T00:26:00.001-06:00

For the past few years it seems as though I've had theme songs for seasons of my life. They were always the songs that touched me so deep I could not ignore the truth they revealed in my life. I would almost cling to the songs if that were possible, playing them over and over, taking in every word. Every one of them were a song crying out to God, pleeding, worshipiping...

I distinctly remember selahs song, you raise me up, stroking a cord in me, stand in the rain by superchick, never alone by barlow girl, praise you in the storm by casting crowns... there are so many more that the songs still swell up and stir within me.

This season in my life, the song I seem to find nudging my subconcious is Set me free by Casting Crowns.

Its somewhat scary, but these lrics stir me.

It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains
Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away
Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free

There is truth in these lrics that I cant deny, and a cry my lips are sometimes to weak to make.

I don't pretend to know exactly when things became so complicated. but I do know that a war is raging in my life. A great spiritual battle for my soul (and sometimes I think my sanity.)

Ive tried to recall a time in my life when ive felt this weak and helpless and I can think of none. I don't undetstand what happened, surely I've stared worse situations in the face.

Why now is beyond me. Maybe it had something to do with the responsiblity I try to carry away from my situations, but I truly don't know. All I know is that life is a battle for me right now.and I am fighting with every once of strength I still have to cling to hope in God.

Today I have peace that I will be okay, but not every day is like this. Maybe someday it will be though. Until then I will keep clinging.

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Introspective Reflection?

2011-01-30T21:26:00.001-06:00

It's that time again... That time when I start thinking about what life is to me, who I am, etcetera, etcetera.

One thing that has been really pressing me lately is my desire for adventure. I might even go so far as to call it a need. Mixed with that desire for adventure is a reluctancy... a fear of being stuck in one place for too long.

I guess I kind of just like to be on the move.

Ive actually thought about this and I believe if I were given the choice between security and adventure, I would choose adventure hands down.

So of course when my work makes jokes about me never leaving my position in the Art Room (even though I have no desires or plans to do so in the near future) it makes me feel trapped.

I know I am not where I could be. I don't know that I am where I should be. I have had opportunities opportunities come up that I believe I may want to seriously consider, but I am so loyal to both the club and kidstop that, even if I would stay where I am for the next few years, the thought of ever leaving either position fills me with incredible and immense guilt. And I still feel trapped.

I know I am not irreplaceable. Life will indeed go on if I left the position and they would find someone to replace me. So why all the guilt? I don't know.

I am currently pending a position with Opportunity Enterprises. I should find out on Tuesday if they hire me or not. But you know what? I don't really want the position. I mean, it's nothing about the work or type of work itself. It's the complications that would come with working two jobs that I don't know would work around eachother.

I know one would have to take priority over another. I guess thats the thing about employment though... Despite the type of company or the mission, I, as the employee, do not matter a whole lot in the grand scheme of things. What I mean by that is that I have a purpose to complete. If I don't complete my purpose, it doesn't matter what is going on in my life or what struggles I may be having, I will be replaced.

There will be no tolerance, no helping me through the problem, no assistance to continue my education or anything. The company will do only what is legally required of them. Maybe I'm wrong, though.

I don't want there to be a tug of war between my employers.

On another side of things, I've been finding it increasingly difficult to take care of myself lately. Personal heigene: unwashed clothes, showers not as frequent as I would like (both due to the guilt incited because of the resulting bill from showering every day and washing clothes every week), tooth brush needs replaced, lack of certain very personal heigene products. It bothers me.

I miss the purity of Bethel College, and since I've been living in this situation for so long, I feel trapped, like things are never going to change.

Ive had opportunities presented to me that I would be interested in doing, but don't know that I can for whatever reason.

I feel stuck.

But beyond circumstantial issues, what reason do I have to feel stuck? Only the fact that I have no idea where I am going in this life. No idea what I really want to do. And No idea what God has is calling me to do.

I've been trying hard to get out of the rut I'm in and seek what it is God has for me. I am still unclear. I expect that God will lead me and I will do my best to follow Him and hear what he has to say to me.

Art room

2011-01-20T12:33:00.001-06:00

Next wednesdays craft project. I would like to try real basket weaving someday.

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Something Old, something New....

2011-01-17T23:01:00.001-06:00

I think I must have a dozen unposted blogs in draft mode right now. Ranting and raving, depressive and emotional. It happens, but I think it's time to move on.

I think God is doing something in me. Whether it's me finally submitting to him or who even knows what. I have had this stirring in me for the past few weeks. The first Sunday in January I heard a verse on the way to church, but I couldn't find it anywhere when I tried to look up the reference I thought I had remembered correctly. So after some searching, I let it be.

But then Anna sent me the same verse I had wanted to find through my email. Isaiah 43:18-19a

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I looked to the text and I read through it one morning and I found myself struck by the different understanding I saw in it, as it applied to my life. I would have imagined that I need to forget my sin, move on and be a better person. you know, the main interpretation. But that's not what struck my heart.

I thought about how much I dwell on the past, not that I relive my mistakes and fret over them, but that I remember the good times, and so often I long to go back to the day when.... fill in the blank, but I think mostly I was thinking about the days when my relationship with God seemed easier,when these doubts didn't invade my mind. When I wanted to worship God and it wasn't a sacrifice on my part. When I wanted to live radically. I was missing the person I used to be, and I was sad when I thought about going back to Bethel, about how it can never be the same again and I will never be who I was. I felt broken because I changed.

And it dawned on me when I read this verse that this was, plain and simply, me continuing to dwell on the past. It doesn't have to be bad for me to dwell on it. And I need to let it go. I need to forget who I was so God can do something new in me, I need to forget the way things were so God can do something new in my life.

I don't know that what he is doing will be comfortable or that it will meet my still skewed expectations. God never promised me comfort. But what I do know is that my instistence upon the way things were, has been and is preventing me from living the life God has for me.

I don't have to be the same or go back to what I used to be. God is doing something new in me.

Peacefulness

2011-01-09T10:17:00.001-06:00

It's Sunday morning. Its so quiet in the house right now. There's no tv, no talking, no animals running around and playing (knock on wood). It's so peaceful. I love mornings like this. When I wake up and can just lie here and continue to rest until I feel like I wasn't to get up. I don't always like it, because sometimes when I'm ready to actually get out of bed they're still sleeping. But today, this is nice.

Today, I'm going to go to church and I'm going to put effort into listening instead off allowing myself to be distracted and giving myself excuses.

Its probably time for me to start getting ready to go now.

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La di da...

2011-01-02T02:55:00.001-06:00

.New years was okay. Pretty much ecactly as I expected it to be. Bourbon st in chicago is definitely not that great. I suspect it would have seemed better if I were drunk, but probably not even then. Besides, I have no desire to be drunk at any point in my life. I cant drink enough to let my self become drunk. Its like this reaction in me that after one or two drinks I simply don't desire to drink alcohol anymore and I'm done.

I wish my body responded that way with food. It seems like my mechanism to tell me to stop is broke.

So anyway, at bourbon st, I was stepped on, pushed around, squeezed, groped, bumped into so that my drink spilled all over me, practically dry humped (people dance sick!), followed, had a drink girl tell me her boyfriend loves her, be wished happy new year by someone guy who insisted on touching me to do so, had a drunk guy stumbl rd into me then his friend come btu and tell me the guu is good looking but he s an @$$ hole, had to rescue Dougs hay from some girl who stole it right off his head... And that was only in the first few hours.

The whole atmosphere just isn't me. I was made for something else.

So today we hung out with Dougs brother and then back at christines we played monopoly where I recieved raw deal after raw deal, and couldnt seem to cut a break. So I thought, wow, this is just like real life, and I played Donkey kong.

I'm staying with christine again tonight. I hope I don't wear out my welcome. I'm going home tomorrow sometime, and will probably wait for christine to decide she wants to hang out with me again. She needs a few weekends that are just for her or her and doug.

Yep....

Cheers.

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Im the worlds greatest pretender

2010-12-30T23:30:00.001-06:00

TrSo last night I spent hours pouring out my heart on my blogger application detailing even my hang ups about posting and I posted it, but I couldnt keep it there. I deleted it very early this morning.

Apparently I cant be as honest with people as I would like to be. Thats one of the many things I admire about my friend k. Bare naked honesty.

But I suppose privacy and discretion is not a bad thing, even k has expressed that.

So... Chicago tomorrow. Bourbon street, friends, drunken celebration. I'm not thrilled about it, but I want to hang out with my friends, so I go where they go.

Besides, im exploring my rebellious side, right?

(unlikely)

I guess im supposed to make a few new years resolutions. Id really rather not. I'm still working on last years resolutions! (and the year before that, and before that etc. lame.... We'll see if do or not. That's all.

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I am happy.

2010-12-12T00:48:00.000-06:00

Today, I am happy. Yesterday, too. And I suspect tomorrow I will be as well. I want to be happy.
On Thursday of the week before last, I checked online and found that the BGCA for Valpo had an opening in the art room, so I told my boss at a team meeting that I wanted to try to get the positon. She gave me her blessing and told me to contact HR. Immediately following the meeting was at the Christmas Party, so I decided to wait, even though the HR manager, Tracie was there. I kind of figured, it's a party... I'll wait.

Well, after the party, I was supposed to sub in the kindergarten kidstop, and I went to work. While I was cleaning up from the kiddo's eating lunch, I was talking with the janitor, who was also cleaning up. I told her the position was posted and I felt like it was right up my alley. So, she encouraged me and actually went and got the Program Director, Tim, to talk to me about the position, and he came and told me to come by his office after Im done and he would show me how to use the voice mail system and leave Tracie a message. But I went upstairs after cleaning to continue to work with the kindergarten and I told the site director what happened and she told me to to go downstairs right then because Tracie was in her office and just talk to her now. So I did.

Tracie and I talked and she was working on a flyer or something for the positon to post and she would wait on sending it out, and she would contact the Unit Director Dan, and the Program director Tim, for me and let them know my interest in the position.

So I spoke with her again Tuesday and she told me they were looking for someone with an artistic background, so I asked if I should bring in my portfolio and she said yes. Later that Day I got a call from Dan asking me to come in Thursday at 1pm for my "interview" (since I'm already an employee of he BGC, it wasnt like a formal interview, but I treated it as one).

So I spent time preparing ideas, potential schedules, events, that I would like to see happen in the club art room. I prepared two letters of recomendations, one from Traci at Church, and the other from my normal site director, Kristen. Then on Thursday I showered, relaxed, dressed up, and went in for the interview and did the best I could.

It was funny because in the beginning during the interview they asked all the questions that I felt like I was incriminating myself by answering them. Like one question was something like What is one thing you've done that you weren't proud of and wish you would have done better, what would you have done instead. I would almost swear that at least 80 percent of the questions were questions like that.

But I got past that portion and they wanted to look at my portfolio, so we did and they were really impressed with my work. Then they looked at the stuff I had prepared regarding my ideas and such, and when the "interview" was over Dan told me that I represented myself vey well, and he was proud that the boys and girls club has someone like me on staff, even though my main involvement is with kidstop.

So I left, went home, ate lunch then headed to work my subbing position at Parview. After I got there, I got a call from Tracie, the HR manager to let me know that Dan and Time would love to have me as a part of their team. Then she said, to be fair she wanted to let me know about another art room position that opened up at the Portage Club in the Art Room that was 5 days a week, as opposed to 3 days at Valpo. She told me a little about the position (also said that Dan and Tim joked about not telling me about the other position), gave me some time to think about whether i wanted totalk with the site director in Portage and told me either way congratulations.

I could not believe that in the same day I interviewed for a position that I was not only wanted for that position, but that I might also possibly be able to get the other position. I went home so unsure of what to do. But I prayed, did some research, talked to a few people. Then on Friday, I went in to the club to sub again for kindergarten and afterward I spoke with Tracie and she told that Dan and Tim were very impressed with me and she asked me what my thoughts were, whether I wanted to talk with the Portage director, or accept the position at Valpo. I told her what my thought processes were, and that I seemed to be feeling some sort of loyalty to the Valpo Club, and that I would accept the position I had just interviewed for. She welcomed me to the team and then she announced to Dan and Tim that i had made my decision and they welcomed me to the team. I am ecstatic.

Before I left Dan told me that he would like me to come in before I start officially in January and get some work in to get a feel of the art room.

I am also possibly subbing for Ron at the South Haven Club during those few weeks, so hopefully I will have lots of hours for my last paycheck in Dec.

I am pretty happy right now.

On a side note, I think I want a hair cut.

What is it?

2010-12-03T20:00:00.001-06:00

So I've been noticing something that struck me as a little strange. I have always believed there was a spirit of depression over my house, but tonight I wonder if that its all that's there. I know I've been in a bad mood a lot lately, but I've also noticed that the only time I ever seem to really be in a bad mood is when I'm at home. I've been noticing it really strong in the past few weeks, and its been getting worse.I guess I've always attributed it to my situation right now. It does often bother me that I don't have a room or even my own bed anymore, and I am often irritated with money problems. But I noticed and it is truly weird to me that I seem to rarely experience these irritations out side of home, and if I do they are minor, hardly enough to bother with at all.

But what's more is that I often FEEL happy when I'm out, even when my situation is bad, and it doesn't look like I'm happy.

So... Then tonight I came home and I was happy, and in a good mood, and when I walked in the house, I went to the bathroom and there was almost an immediate change in my mood. I was taken aback by how irritated I felt (still feel).

Its this mere association of a bad circumstance, or is there some thing here?

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Broken in a Broken World

2010-11-20T22:36:00.000-06:00

One person going hungry in the richest country in the world.
One person in a crowd thinking no one cares.
One person drowning in pain and despair.
One person struggling with what shouldn't be there.
One person questioning God for what they never had
One person cursing God for their life gone bad
One person confessing sin hoping to find peace
One person starting over looking for a new lease
One person, Broken in a broken world.
We are all one, someway, somewhere.

Blurb...

2010-11-05T22:44:00.000-05:00

I am so grossed out. My dad is watching this moie about some flesh eating virus, or something like that. I'm not amused.

I'm so glad its friday in the sense that I can stay up later and I don't have to get up early. It's not so bad anymore, I'm used to the schedule, but sometimes it's nice to sleep in.

I don't know if anyone still reads this. My Bethel friends? Maybe. Anyway, if you do, less than a week ago my Grandpa Paul (my dad's stepdad) fell and as a result had internal bleeding. He was in a lot of pain, and there was nothing they could do for him that wouldn't kill him anyway, so they induced a coma. Well, he died this morning. It was actually rather funny (not in a haha sense, but in a oh, what an interesting coincidence sense) that my dads phone started ringing at the exact same time my alarm clock started going off.

I knew immediately who was calling and what for. I've been expecting this for a few days now.

Other than that, I've had a few opportunities to sub or work at the office. Not nearly enough to give me all of the hours I need though. My bills are higher than what I'm making right now, and all Iam considering are my car, phone, and insurance payments.

I started looking for a seasonal job. I considered working at the blue chip casino's hotel and spa, but the application had a blurb about how they were going to check my credit to get an idea of my character. I thought, "My credit cant tell you about whether I show up to work or not, my quality or work, my relationships with my coworkers, how long I will keep a job, etc. And I completely discarded that application.

I also learned today that poor mans copyright (mailing something to yourself through certified mail obtaining the legal US Postal seal and datestamp) can not be used in court to prove copyright, ownership, or proof of date. However, it was interesting to read that apparently emails are protected under copy right law. That makes no sense to me whatsoever. But I guess if I want to "copyright" something and cant afford to get it legally done, I can send it to myself in an email and it is considered copyrighted. I would do it both ways anyway.

Well, that's all.

My ridiculous costume

2010-10-30T21:08:00.001-05:00

So I definitely dressed up as a banana for halloween. My face was the sticker, I felt like an idiot though. I guess there is a reason why people stop dressing up when they get older. But I wonder if it was simply my costume.

I had two halloween parties to go to and I was incredibly bored at both of them. Also, at my cousins party, I felt like I was getting made fun of a little.

I just keep hoping that things will be more fun when Brandy gets here.

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What is there to say?

2010-10-27T23:11:00.001-05:00

AzWell, our internet got turned off today. I have access through my phone, so it's not a big deal for me, but it pots a cramp in everyone's internet usage.

I heard this song today by Nickelback called if today was your last day. I really like the song. There is a line that says each day is a gift and not a given right.

What a beautiful thought. I don't always treat each day like a gift and I probably should.

I get paid tomorroe. Its goinh to be a small paycheck. Ive gotten a it of extra workthis week so im fairly excited about that. I hope for a lot more.

Tbat is all.

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Emptiness

2010-10-26T18:45:00.002-05:00

Literally. Things havent been this bad in a while. Bread, milk, butter, eggs, and grapes in the fridge, ice and popcycles In the freezer. In the cabinets we have ramen noodles, oatmeal, and grits.

Other than that we have a few spices.

Its amazing to me how somehow we have been doing alright. What I mean is that our refrigerator has looked this way for the past month and we have had something to eat every night, al-be-it, the meals are hatdly nutricious, but they fill our tummys.

Ive been trying to get my meals at the different things I go to. Monday night group, bridge builders, hanging out with a friend who happened to invite others over for dinner...etc.

I haven't told anyone about it. I think part of me simply doesn't want to feel like some sob story. That and people always ask why we don't go get food stamps or go to some food drive. The simple answer is that we don't qualify for assistance.

But thats okay.

I think what baffles me is how people can live in America and still gohungry or be homeless. Land of opportunity? Well, if you already have money, sure.

The current system we live in caters to the idea that you have to have money to make money.and that system caters to people amassing debt. (ofcourse that also has to do with personal responsibility).

Oh well .

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My Life is Average

2010-10-09T18:46:00.000-05:00

So last night Christine, Doug, Justin, and I went to the Fear Itself Scream Park in Mishawaka. It was alright. The Clown thing was pretty good, and so was the swamp thing. I enjoyed the asylum part too, but not as much as the swamp and clown attractions. But the whole 4-D thing and the Monkey thing were kind of lame. And ofcourse, it wasn't scary at all.

I was thinking about that as I was going through different things and I was a little dissapointed because it seems that the older I get, the less I enjoy things like that. What I mean is that part of the joy of the scream parks is th adrenaline rush that comes with the fear, but my rational thinking has developed enough that I remember that these things aren't real, and that the actors can't really touch me, and that nothing is going to hurt me.

So I spent my time pretending to be afraid because I know it makes it more fun for the actors if they can get a reaction out of people, and that made it more fun for me too.

Afterwards, we went to Bethel College and walked around a little bit. I actually saw a few people that I knew. I thought that everyone I knew would have graduated by now, but I saw two people that haven't graduated yet, Adam and Jeremy, and two people that have graduated and just happened to be visiting at the same time I was, Sara and Joy. :-) And then I saw people that I recognized but didn't know personally. I realized being there that I don't feel like I'm done with college yet, even though recently I have found myself somewhat irritated with some college antics. I want to go to classes and finish my degree. I want to do homework (wow, what's wrong with me?) And I do want to live the college life a little bit longer.

I really have to work on getting my bill paid off. I've been considering going back to camfel productions, thinking that maybe it can help solve the problem of my living situations and give me a few more funds to help pay off Bethel, and it will be the same amount of pay each month regardless of how many hours I work.

There are a few cons. No job security (but where is there job security anywhere?). I don't know if I can come back to the Boys and Girls Club if I quit. I will be leaving my church behind again.

But I just figured it up and If I manage my finances the way I planned, I could have Bethel paid off in 6 months, and then save up money to pay for the classes I will take.

Anyway, I won't let myself stress over this any more but I will pray about it and prepare for it. :-)

2010-10-05T23:16:00.001-05:00

I cannot shake this feeling of frustration. I feel anger, despair, sadness, hopelessness, a sense of urgency, and a whole mess of other negative emotions and I am saddened because this is not me. This depression is not who I am and it's not who I want to be. I used to be the girl that people would say "you smile too much" to. I used to be the person that people wanted to be around because I was so happy. I miss that person. I want to be her again.

I don't think all if it is my living situation. I think most of it is simply my attitude, but I have no idea what happened that my attitude has gone so sour.

My brother, Eric, watched this tv series called "dead like me", and in the show this girl becomes a grim reaper when she dies and it is her job to escort the souls to where ever they would go. In one episode she refused to take the soul of a little girl because it wasn't fair. And the head reaper guy said she had to because the little girls soul has expired and if she doesn't take it it will, simply put, rot away in the little girl.

Sometimes I feel like that. I feel like my soul has expired and is rotting within me

I know the show isn't real/ I want to be happy again. From the core of me I want to be happy.

Words on a Page.

2010-09-26T22:33:00.000-05:00

I went outside to put a letter in the mailbox and had this feeling like I had to watch my back. When I came back in the house, I realized that my family has been watching a scary movie about a corn field and a scare crow the entire time I was writing the letter. The subconscious mind is amazing, isn't it.

Anyway. I've been in and out of irritated, frustrated, angry, depressed, and weepy moods for the past month or so. It has been this incredible emotional rollercoaster ride. I won't deny that I have not been very happy lately for a number of reasons, but Im trying so hard to pull myself out of it.

I remember back in high school, people actually told me I smiled too much. I want that back. I want joy to radiate from me. I want to be a person who is so full of joy, no matter what is going on in my life, people are drawn to me. I don't know what happened or how to get it back.

My family has been looking for a new place to live. We have been living in this 2 bedroom house for too long, and we want something that is in better condition.

I really hope that we get a 4 bedroom house so everyone can have their own room and my parents don't have to sleep in the living room anymore. I really want them to be able to have their own room again.
I'm also really excited about the prospect of having my own room too. I feel like I've almost forgotten what it's like. I have been immersed in living like a guest for so long.

I'm also excited about having central air/heat. We've been heating our house using our stove top burners for the past 8 years.

I'm excited about having windows and sitting my house plants in front of them and letting them grow by the light of the window.

I'm excited about having a closet to hang my clothes. And to plug my phone into an outlet in the wall without worrying about where its

I'm excited about a lot of things, but they are all still in waiting right now. Sometimes hope seems so far off. My family has been through so many negative things in our life, it seems almost impossible that anything good can happen to us. But I still hold on to hope, and I dream, and I try to make it happen.

Today I was reading my Bible and I read in 1Timothy 6. In verse 17, it says "Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in weath, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment."

Did you catch that last part? "For our enjoyment"... I have read this Scripture many times. I know not to be a lover of money. I try not to be a lover of money (which can be difficult when the present god of this age is money rather than the true God), and I try to put my hope in God. Lets just say, I am familiar with this verse.But this morning as I read it, I could not help but be surprised because that phrase never stuck out to me before.

What an amazing thing to think that God not only provides for our basic needs but also for our enjoyment. It kind of makes you think about the whole love of money thing in a different light. Like it just seems silly to be hung up about money, or to even worry about it.

I know other scripture in Matthw 6 that says not to worry about what you eat, drink, or wear, because God knows what you need, and He will provide it as just as He provides for the birds of the air. I've meditated on these Scriptures before knowing I shouldn't worry about the things I need because God is God, but for my enjoyment!!! That is exciting!!! It brings to life the illustration of God as a Father caring for His children.

I've been reading my Bible consistently lately. This has been something that I have had a hard time with most of my life. But I've been leaving early for work so that I get there between 6am and 6:05 am and I sit there and I read my Bible and then spend a few minutes praying. So far I've read through 1 Corinthians and 1 and 2 Timothy. I think I might stay in 1 and 2 Timothy for a little while.

Well, it's 10:30. I should have been in bed already, so it's time for me to sign off.

Goodnight.

Labor Day Sucks

2010-09-06T22:35:00.000-05:00

Life is just like this eternal struggle into nothingness. Or at least sometimes that is how it seems.

Yesterday evening was terrible for me. The details don't really matter. Today was rather low key , but it's more like there is a spirit of depression sitting over me. I don't feel well. I'm fine physically, I am just not doing well emotionally. The funny thing is that when a person is feeling bad for so long, the desire to feel better seems to go away. I feel almost resigned to say this is my life and embrace it. Why feel better when nothing ever changes? We know that the logic is really screwy, but we dont feel it.

I resent Labor Day right now. I could have gone to work and earned a few more hours for my paycheck, but the real reason I resent it is because people are taking the Labor Day weekend and going to visit people. As a result hardly anyone was around to have group, so we didn't. I know it's not about me but I felt like I really needed to go to group tonight. I'm not really close with anyone in the group, it's just kind of like it's a place to fit. It's something outside of my house, with people other than those I live with, whose hearts beat for a similar passion.

I just didn't want to be alone. At my house, I am alone all the time, even though people are always here. Its lonely here.

Beauty Analysis?

2010-08-29T21:56:00.000-05:00

I am using the internet to tell me how beautiful I am. http://www.anaface.com/ if you want to torture yourself.

Apparently my eyes are too far apart and my nose is too wide. I laughed as I sat here and read my results to my mom.

It reminds me of a book series I started reading called Pretties. The story line centers around a society where when people turn 16 they have plastic surgery to make them "pretty". they are all basically made to look the same, but the kids look forward to this day and long for it.

It's a point of standardized beauty, where certain criteria have to be met. Your nose can only be so big, your eyes should sit only so far apart, your ear to nose ratio has to be just right. If you your proportions aren't symetrical, you are ugly.

Even though I know the book is fiction based (although, I do believe the author is purposely addressing a very real issue in our society), I see this standard of beauty showing up in nearly everything I encounter. I mean, I was just able to do a beauty analysis on my own face, doesn't that say something?

I guess my question is Why is symmetry considered beautiful? and who determines what is beautiful anyway?

You, my friends, are beautiful to me, no matter what anyone else says, and I know that God calls me beautiful no matter what else the world may say.

Peace be with you!

Huge

2010-08-10T22:04:00.000-05:00

There is an ABC Family series that started a few weeks ago called Huge. It's a series about several people who have found themselves in "Fat Camp". I caught the premiere and decided to watch it for a few episodes to see if I like it or not. Amidst finding myself irritated over one character or another every single episode, I find myself growing increasingly fond of the show. I think its because I find myself emotionally connecting with each episode, and with different characters in different ways. But mostly I look at emotions and events in the show and it seems so real to me. There is real pain, there is real struggle, and there are real failures, successes, and everything. Let me explain this further:

The most recent episode centered around the first weigh in of the camp season. Undoubtedly an intensely emotional time for everyone.

During the episode, one guy was goofing around and twice got busted by this dictator-like work out insructor. She got in his face, yelled at him, embarrassed him, told him he wasn't trying and asked if he wanted to be there, to which he meekly replied yes. Ouch.

Several people went to the scales and found out that they had only lost one or two pounds at best. A few of them specifically were very upset. "All this hard work and I've only lost one pound?" one asked. Another asked, "Why is this so hard?" and his friend replied something like "because we've got so much more to go."

Another girl, one of the main characters, Willamina (Will), the obstinate rebel who didn't want to be there to begin with, was very put off, as she has been the entire season, that people are buying into "a load of crap" that worth and beauty are determined by a number on a scale or the size of your waist. She has been very adamant that she should not have to change what she looks like to be acceptable to anyone.

and so on...

I suppose to some people this show is just another sob story, but to others who have spent their entires lives struggling with their weight and the stigma's attatched to them, it's real. And I absolutely love that there is a series like.

I know my own struggles with my weght have been very trying with a few highs, and many low lows. I'm not into offering excuses for myself, but I guess my hope is that for a moment people like those who tormented me nd others over our weight our entire lives would see an episode and get a glimpse of what its like, nd then maybe they would have a little mercy.
I know I'm a dreamer, but can you blame me?

Insignificant Prayers

2010-08-03T23:10:00.001-05:00

Today I was overcome with sadness because of a conversation I heard at work. As the kidstop kids and I were heading to the computer lab, I heard the club staff laughing and sharing a story. One of the club staff is an ordained minister and he was telling a story from Church.

It went something like this: Prayer Request were being taken at church, in the midst of prayers for dying uncle, cancer patients, families suffering divorce, etc, a little girl pipes up and asks for prayer for her cat.

Anyway they were laughing about it and joking about how kids say the darndest things, and passing the duct tape to the parent.

I couldn't help myself, I spoke up and said "Doesn't God care about them all the same?" And the response I got was something like yeah, some people wouldn't see it that way.

I left the conversation at that, but there is so much I wish I would have said, and a few things I am glad I didn't. I know that I was still on the clock during the conversation so I don't know how much I could have said anyway. But either way, I am saddened by the lack of value placed on a childs prayer.

So we dont pray for animals because there are more important things to pray about?

That is so like us... isn't it? To prioritize and qualify prayer needs...

Why? By requesting prayer for that cat, that little girl was learning to trust God in all areas of her life, for the 'big things' and the 'small things.' If we can't trust God with the 'small things' why would we bring the 'big things' to him? Also, who's to say that this cat isn't as important in this little girls life as any member of her family, or a dying cancer patient or distressed family? We all place value on different things. By saying this kids prayer is not as important anyone elses invalidates not only the childs feelings, but our own God as well. We serve a God who is big enough to handle prayers about all sorts of things, there is no quota, no waiting list to be heard, no order of importance... God hears all of our prayers and He is perfectly capable of answering each and every one according to His Purposes.

Furthermore Jesus rebuked his disciples for rebuking those who brought their children for Him to lay hands on, and he said in Matthew 19:14 "Let the children come to me. Dont stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children."

And another time, when asked who would be the greatest in Kingdom, Jesus replied in Matthew 18: 3-4 "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. "

Little children pray and want prayer for 'insignificant' things. Maybe we should all take note.

By the way, if you reply to this, please don't judge or belittle my coworkers, that was not my intentions. It was just an issue that weighed heavy on my heart.

2010-08-01T23:28:00.000-05:00

A new month, a new start, as far as I am concerned. It feels refreshing.
The Porter County Fair has been going on for the past ten days. Today was the last day. I am actually quite glad to be done. It has been such a long week and a half. I worked at the fair today running the booth for Life Bridge and when I got home I felt like it had been three days since this morning. Today felt like a Monday.

The Church Building flooded just over a week ago. The damage was bad enough that professionals had to come in and tear out the walls as high as four feet. They showed the video during church today (which was at the fair in the Radio One tent). It made me so sad to see the colorful walls torn up. I know that we were planning a remodel soon. I don't know if that included repainting the walls, but it still made me sad. It's good though, that the insurance is covering the repairs.

On Friday I went to Deep River Water Park with my cousin Brandy and my coworker and her kids. Brandy got five free tickets and then the people who were planning to go couldn't, so she and I decided to go, but couldn't find anyone else for the other three, so I offered them to my coworker. She and her kids really enjoyed it. It was my first time swimming there. I loved the River thing, but the wave pool looked somewhat lame.

After Deep River, I took Brandy home and headed to Michigan City to hang out with Christine and Naomi.

Saturday we went to the fair, then dinner, then walmart, then home then to the train station so Naomi could go back to Chicago and spend the rest of her time here with her family before she goes back to Chicago. But we missed the train because my GPS had an epic fail. So we stayed at the trainstation until the last train came at 10:22pm.

I want a day to just sleep.

I haven't been to cardinal fitness in a really long time. I think I need to go tomorrow morning, but I don't know if I am going to be motived to get up early enough to go simply because I don't know if I will have the energy.

It seems like a lot of my friends have been having babies. It should't surprise me because this is the time when my friends will be getting married and starting families. They all have the most adorable babies. It's interesting to see how they are so excited about the first pregnancy and posting pictures and belly photos. I am interested in seeing if the trend continues for baby number 2 or 3 and so on. But it makes me smile that they are so excited. I can hardly wait until I have that kind of excitement in my life. It's all in God's time though.

Collections of musings.

2010-07-26T00:46:00.000-05:00

I feel buggy, like something is crawling on me. At best, it is one of the ants I found in the kitchen. At worst... It is a flea that one of our dogs might have picked up. Either way, I feel buggy and I don't like it.

I worked at the Porter County Fair all day long yesterday (Saturday) for my churches booth. And then I was at the fair a good portion of the day today, the church service, randomly helping Tammy in the trolley, hanging out with Brandy and Stevie during the evening. It was a good weekend.

So... I figured I should put up some pictures from my friend Stephanie's wedding. Here they are:

The Bride with her Cowgirl Boots

Bride with her parents right before walking

Bride and Groom.... and CAKE!

Bride and Groom leaving

Bethel College Students Unite.

Well, those were just a few ofthe clearer quality pictures. I don't feel like putting more into this blog, so goodnight for now.

Wanderlust: The fight between Will and Sanity

2010-07-12T03:02:00.000-05:00

Do I dare to ask God to tame the wanderlust in me? I feel so unsettled right now. I was journaling in my Private journal about who I believe I am, and when I realized that I have wanderlust. I looked up the word because I was like "Wait a minute, do I really know what that means?"
It was a pretty simple explanation:

Wanderlust: [won-der-luhst]
-noun. 1. A strong, innate desire to rove or travel about.

The word that really stuck out to me here was the word innate.

innate: [ih-neyt, in-eyt]
-adjective. 1. existing in one from birth; inborn; native
2. inherent in the essentil character of something
3. originating in or arising from the intellect or the constitution of the mind, rather than learned through experience.

Innate seems an appropriate word...It feels set so deeply within me...I don't know where it comes from or why it is there, but when I think about it, I feel unsettled about where I am. Its like my will is planning to go on an adventure,while my sanity is trying to convince my will that I need to stay put.

Sanity says "You have a great job that you enjoy, you have a church family that you want to serve, your friends and family surround you right now. You made plans to make working at the Boys and Girls Club your career, You were going to become CEO after you finally finished college. You were going to move out of your parents house when you could finally afford it and start a life of your own."

Will is very quick to reply: "How boring. A five, ten, or even fifteen year plan? Since when were you a planner? You are miserable in your parents house and you're obviously not getting out of there by working at the Boys and Girls Club. You can't even get what you owe to Bethel paid off, it's going to be a long time before you finish school... And CEO... really? Is that a passion for changing lives, or does that have more to do with the yearly income you saw posted on a job listing, or the idea of moving up in your career because it's 'what people do'? As for Church, Family and Friends, they got along okay without you before and they will be able to do so again."

Sanity replies: "You need to be a stable person. People don't respect a person who can't settle down and you will never get anywhere in life if you don't get your degree. It's a reasonable choice to want to move up in your career and it's perfectly natural to want to make more money. You may have to suffer for a little while, and it may take a few years, but you will get out of your parents house and be on your own someday. Besides, you made committments. You are committed to Project Valpo, to Bridge Builders, Community Groups/Bible Studies, to the Boys and Girls Club, and to many, many other things!"
Will: "Yeah, okay, and how many of those committment have you been pulling away from? How many of them have you resented at any given time because you would rather have been anywhere else? How many of those committments do you feel like you're failing with anyway? How many of them did you pray about before becomin involved? And what of these plans for your life, did you pray about them? And if you accomplish these plans... what's next anyway? Will that change life for you at all? Will they challenge you to go deeper with God? Will this enable you to help others to walk together with God? Do they reflect Gods plan for your life?"
Sanity: "It's secure. It's logical. It's SOMETHING!!! Where would wanderlust take you? What will you do? Where will you go?"
Will: "I don't know yet."
Sanity: "Maybe you should figure that out before you let go of what you have already secured. You'll look pretty foolish if you have to come crawling back."
Will: "Since when did God call us to security? Since when did God reveal the big picture before he called us to step out in faith? And when did he say that the things he has asked you to do wouldn't look like foolishness to the rest of the world?"
Sanity: "So you think God has called you to wander?"
Will: "I don't know. I just feel restless, like its time to move on."

Sanity: "But you don't even know where you will go!!!"

Will: "I know.."

Sanity: "But you've already decided in your heart."

Will: "Yes... and No... I can't move until Sanity gives up control. "

This is my real internal dialogue. An argument between my sanity and.. well, Im not quite sure who will is... perhaps my spirit. I dont know. Will feels like something deep inside of me. I guess I don't really know who Sanity is either. Sanity doesn't feel connected to me like will does though. I need an outside perspective. I need thoughts. I need wisdom, wise counsel. Someone who knows me and can tell me something about me and God's perspective on this.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!! (That was a scream of frustration and confusion that I couldn't do outloud lest I wake everyone in my house)

2010-07-12T01:23:00.000-05:00

I suppose I should be sleeping but I think that I do my best thinking at night. I don't know if it's just because I encounter less distractions or if I am simply a night person and this is the best time that I function. I don't know, but It makes sense to me that anyone who is a night person would be one because distractions and obligations ( or time limits) are very much limited.

During the day the rest of the surrounding population is awake and can pop in at anytime and many of us expect the distraction. We also have schedules to keep and things to accomplish. But at night those things things go away. It's quiet. I have no where to be, no one to bother me...there's a kind of freedom in being a night person. But you also don't always have the option to call up a friend, and anyone who is mindful of the people around them will know that being quiet is probably a very smart decision. So I a way this with the responsibility of being silent kind of puts a person into thinking mode. Oh what things get accomplished ...

I love silence. I don't know if I've ever had the privilege of absolute silence. Background noise is always in the background somehow... The loud hum of an air conditioner, the snoring of the person next to you, cars on the highway a quarter of a mile from your house... One of my new goals in life will to be to hear what absolute silence sounds like. :-)

Close the Flood Gates!

2010-07-08T02:33:00.000-05:00

I feel like someone is playing games with me, like a cat chasing a peice of string, or a dog chasing a laser light. I can see the object (or objective) that I am pursuing and I go after it, I get so close, I can almost taste it... but alas, it is pulled away from me at the last minute. Why? Am I a cat that I should be toyed with?
The fundamental difference between me and a cat is that this is not a game to me, and I don't find it fun to chase and never obtain.

It feels like that is what is happening with everything in my life right now. It's just like this constant game... I don't want this anymore. I really thought I would make it back to Bethel this year. It seemed like things were falling into place, then a huge boulder fell in my path. I thought maybe I could get another more reliable car, another boulder. I want to get into my own apartment, another boulder. I thought maybe I would be able to go to Alabama for a friends wedding who is very dear to me. Things were falling into place, then wham, another boulder is blocking my path.

And then there are the other problems like feeling like my friendships are one sided, my mom suffering from Vitamin D deficiency and diabetes and losing her job, my grandma (the one I'm close to) suffering from a lump on her pancreas that could be cancer, but we dont know because we are waiting on the biopsy, and pancreatic cancer is inoperable, use of illegal subtances by some family members, the excessive use of legal substances by the same family member...

This burden is so heavy. It is as though the floodgates of hell have opened on me and everyone I love!

I feel so... I don't even know if I can describe it... its seems like melodramatic emotionalism to say I feel like I am in my own personal Hell.... But it honestly feels that way to me right now. I can not find a word strong enough to convey the tormentual agony I feel.

I keep waiting for the day when I fall apart. I long for that day. I embrace it.

http://lonepoet.deviantart.com/

2010-07-07T01:26:00.002-05:00

Maybe it's a foolish plan, but maybe it's a God given opportunity.

2010-07-07T01:24:00.000-05:00

I'm seriously considering moving out of my house. I know that has been my desire since I have been here, but despite the fact that I don't have anywhere to go, I dont feel like I can stay here any longer. I hate being here, so I don't want to do it anymore. I hate the fact that people don't respect my space.What a joke of a space anyway. I live out of a suitcase that sits on top of the kitchen table.

...

I suppose I could sit here and make a list of all the things I hate about being here. But I've already done that in countless blogs that I don't pulish. I just want out. I want things to change, I don't want to be so dependent on my family. Maybe thats what I need... to become less dependent on my family. Would it be an exciting adventure or a foolish mistake to move out?

I certainly can't afford my own apartment. I can't just up and live with someone else because that would defeat the purpose of leaving my home here. I have no where to go, but yet I seem to have everything I need.

I have reduced my stuff so much that I can simply put it all in my car.
I can shower at cardinal fitness.
I can do laundry at the laundromat.
I can charge my phone while I am at work.
I have coolers to store some food as long as I don't need to keep anything really cold, plus I have options to eat meals with friends.
I can sleep in my car. The doors lock, I have blankets, and I could easily make it so that people cant see into my car. I can park my car in Walmart parking lots.

And maybe by winter I will figure something out. I know that I can't live through out the winter in my car, otherwise I might die, but the summer... I think I could do it in the summer.

I would be out of my families hair, and no one else would have to know. It's not like they know whats going on now anyway, nor does it seem like they would really care.

Maybe doing this would be a God-opportunity. I don't know how or what the benefit would be. I've been reading this book called In A Pit With A Lion On A Snowy Day. It has been a good and interesting read. It talks about this guy, Benaiah, who wrestled a lion in a pit on a snowy day and came out victorious.

Why would anyone do something like that. What foolishness.... But that's what the book is talking about, where there seems to be foolishness, there is instead God's providence. You never know what opportunities might arise in the future because of what seemingly foolish thing you do now. How much of a food Noah must have seemed to the people around him. Who knows.

I remember in college there was a guy who spent a semester living on campus, but not in the dorms. LOL
Calvin. I remember at first I was put off that he was doing that, but then I actually kind of admired that he did that. It's kind of revolutionary. He didn't mooch off of anyone or anything. He was simply there living. I respect that. A lot.

I want to step out of comfort for a while. I know it probably seems weird to say I want to step out of comfort when I am complaining so much about living with my family. But that's not the point. The comfort factor is that I am so reliant on my parents. I have never been out on my own. Except maybe during the time that I had worked with Camfel Productions, but even then I had a company credit card that I used whenever there was a problem like the van breaking down or if my tour partner and I had to stay in a hotel.

It's time to cut the umbilical cord.

Some of my Photography

2010-06-25T23:35:00.002-05:00

The only editing done to this photo is that is a cropped photo of the original, but I was really proud of this photo and the clarity and richness of color. I love my camera. It took quite a few tries to get a picture of this little guy that was so clear. I love the original, but to appreciate it for what it is you really need to see it big.

This is another one that I'm pretty proud of. This picture is 100 percent completely unedited. I was really shocked when I looked at after I took it. I think these flowers are beautiful and I hope I was able to capture that.

I also really love this picture because the flower is against the grain of the wood. I love the wood in the back ground. A wooden fence (or staircase) makes a fantastic background (In my opinion).

I also took another photo from this angle using my Sepia feature. I'm not sure which I like better, full color or sepia, but I have to admit, I really like this one too.

Well, that is all I will share for now. All of these photos except for the first one are completely unedited, and the only editing done on the first one was that it was cropped so we could see the grasshopper better. I put a few of the ones I thought I did a better job with on Deviant Art. I know that I've got a long way to go before I can make astounding photography, but I enjoy the process and I hope you enjoyed viewing my photos

Cardinal Fitness

2010-06-02T21:55:00.000-05:00

So, I had been sacrificing and saving money so I could get a membership at Cardinal Fitness, and I went to the facility today to sign up and they had a special going on where there was no starting fee, so I only paid $15 dollars to join today. That is so much better than $120 plus the first months fee. Dawn signed me up, and she was amazingly nice. So I went and worked out tonight. It felt really great.

But the even better surprise was that I saw Brian and Kim there and I did some strength training with them for about half an hour.

I did 35 minutes on the elliptical (including cool down time). It was pretty low key and I had gone 2.4 miles. My heart rate stayed around 157 beats per minute.

It was a good workout.

That is all.

Something has got to give...

2010-06-01T17:01:00.000-05:00

Happy June. Maybe a new month will bring better days than May offered us. My mom has been having a lot of health problems lately. It started with her having chest pains last month and she was checked for heart disease, angina, and for having had a heart attack. She went on leave of absense for work, ad She had blood tests, and a stress test and there was nothing to indicate that anything was wrong. There was no scar tissue to suggest she had a heart attack, her test all came back fine. She does not have angina or heart disease. But she wasn't feeling any better so after more tests she was diagnosed as having low Vitamin D. So her doctor took measures to get her vitamin d back up and sent her back to work.

She was there for two hours and passed out. So she went back to the doctor and had more test, and they have diagnosed her as having type 2 diabetes as well as being severely vitamin D deficient. She has tried to return to work a few more times, but has come home after about 2 hours each time because she has been getting so dizzy and sick. She has to take four pills every morning, two in the afternoon, and six in the evening. She gets sick to her stomach everytime. I don't blame her. I could not take 12 pills a day and keep from feeling sick. She has also been very emotional, cries everyday a couple of times a day. It's not like she doesn't have reason, considering everything that she is going through in addition to the struggles we face as a family and in our daily lives.

With everything that is happening, and the stress that she has been facing, I sometimes worry that my mom won't be around much longer.

The family has really been struggling financially latey. We already struggle as it is, but with my mom being unable to work for more than a few hours she has not had a paycheck that she can use. What she did earn wento to cover her health insurance so she doesn't end up with $50,000 in hospital bills and doctors fees. So what we have now is almost half of what we would normally have.

Even though my brothers and I are digging deeper into our pockets to take care of one another, it doesn't do a lot to help. We have all let a bill or two of our own go unpaid for the month so that we can help eachother out and survive. When my parents went shopping for food, they only bought dinner meals, so quite often, dinner will be the only meal we eat. Occasionally, someone will bring something over for us and we will have cereal or ramen noodles, or even pancakes mix for a few days, but we are not strangers to doing without. The sad thing is that this isn't even half of what has been going on at home.

Do you ever feel like something has got to give? Do you every feel like you've hit bottom and just keep going down?

Recently I updated my facebook status with the statement that I felt like I was living week to week and day to day, and that I wanted to live life on purpose, but it is hard to do that when my time is spent trying to simply survive. (and then you get comments from people who think they know what to say, but in reality, they just make you feel worse or make comments that are irrelevant).

I was thinking about that though, how even though there can be moments, long moments that seem to last for a long time, and we dont see hope for the future, but yet there is this innate desire to keep going. Instead of letting ourselves die, we continue to fight for life. Oh, some of us want it all to end, but despite any misery we may be feeling, something in us keeps us going. I find that truly amazing.

Heh.

2010-05-25T21:39:00.000-05:00

I love it that the weather has been warmer, but the jump in the temperature has been crazy. I start sweating before I even get into my car because it gets so hot that when I open the door there is just a rush of hot air. Also, the drivers side window doesn't work, and my passenger window was acting up today. Wouldn't be so bad, but it's humid too. So all in all, it feels like a beach day. I want to go to the beach. Alas, I work from 3pm to almost 6:30pm every day this week in addition to my morning hours. The beach will have to be a Saturday or Sunday thing.

Soon I will be moving from a 6:30am starting hour to a noon starting hour. Very excited about that. :-) I actually enjoy getting up around 8 am, but one thing that I have noticed about myself is that I seem to do better when I go to work immediately after getting up because then I don't have the time to think about not wanting to go to work for whatever reason. But I like my job, so I don't know. I guess I can like my job and still not desire to go when it stands in the way of me doing something else I like. For example, Brandy wanted to go to the beach today,and Christine called wanting to go for a walk between her internship hours. :-(

Yep.

I am so ready to be in my own apartment. I need my own space, outside of my parents living quarters. I think I just need some independence. (and a bed.I need a bed).

I guess technically I don't need it. I'm surviving now, but I would really like it. I do strongly desire it.

I heart the community group I go to on Monday nights.

Low Income/Poverty vs. Obesity

2010-05-02T17:03:00.000-05:00

I have been reading a lot of articles and news stories that have been showing up recently that address the rising problem of obesity in America. Children and adults alike suffer from this "epidemic," and every one is offering their own solutions. For example, Santa Clara County in California thinks the solution is to ban happy meal toys so that children aren't tempted to choose the less healthy options. I actually see fast food get most of the blame, and I do think that is part of the problem.

However, I have been struggling with my own weight since I was a small child. (I was 'dieting' as young as 2nd grade as far as I can remember), and eating out was not a regular part of my diet. My parents only took my brothers and I out once in a while. My entire family struggled with our weight.

I can look at all the reasons why. We weren't getting enough exercise, we ate the wrong type of food, we ate too much of the wrong type of food, we were all emotional eaters, and having grown up poor, we developed a mindset that we needed to eat everything that was put on our plate, even if we were full, because we might now have anything to eat tomorrow. It was faulty and there was a lot that should change, but that was our experience.

As I have stepped out of my parents guidance and have taken responsibility for my health, I have been addressing these issues one by one, and I have even been keeping an eye on new ideas to help me out. But one thing that I have seen very little that addresses the fact that the unhealthy options, microwaved, fatty, and fried foods, are much cheaper than healthy, wholesome foods. (but maybe that is because everyone is attacking fast food as the problem, I don't know)

It cost more money to buy a bag of grapes than it does to buy a few cans of spaghetti-o's. And I can get a 12 pack of soda for less than what it would cost me to get a gallon of milk or orange juice.

It's just crazy if you think about it. Even in the fast food business, it cost more for me to get the salad and/or fruit and water than it does for me to get a double cheeseburger, small onion ring, and medium soda. WOW.

With the economy so messed up, and people having to keep a tight reign on their money, it is no wonder that the obesity rates continue to grow. EATING HEALTHY IS EXPENSIVE!!!

I've been trying to see if there have been any studies done that link low income/poverty and obesity. Look at what i've found.

"While obesity rates are climbing among all ages, races and incomes, evidence shows that the poor are more likely to weigh too much than wealthier Americans." (http://www.seattlepi.com/national/190061_obesity09.html)

and

"In King County, nearly 22 percent of adults living in households with incomes of less than $15,000 a year are obese, compared with almost 15 percent in homes pulling in $50,000 a year or more, according to an analysis by Public Health -- Seattle & King County of survey data from the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention."

(http://www.seattlepi.com/national/190061_obesity09.html)

But you know, in this very same article I was surprised to read this:

"Between 1985 and 2000, the cost of fruits and vegetables shot up nearly 120 percent, while the price tags on soft drinks, fats, sugars and sweets increased by less than 50 percent, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture."

And thats without mentioning the fact that outside of eating, exercise can be expensive. Joining a gym, joining a sport, buying equipment. Of course you don't need any of that to be able to exercise. I walk for exercise, but what if, because of my income, I lived in an area where going for a walk or run in my neighborhood was dangerous? That option for me would be closed.

Here a few more links I found connecting Low income and obesity:

http://factoidz.com/why-lowincome-and-obesity-are-linked-together/

http://www.scientificblogging.com/news_releases/study_low_income_equals_high_obesity

http://jn.nutrition.org/cgi/content/abstract/127/12/2310

http://www.news-medical.net/news/2004/12/02/6603.aspx

I know that it won't be a magic cure to the obesity problem, but I do think that it would help to lower the prices of healthy and organic foods, and raise the prices of foods that are less healthy.

A little Bit of Good News Today!

2010-04-30T12:04:00.000-05:00

Wow, today feels like a busy day. I worked from 6:30 to 9, came home, ate breakfast, watered my garden, took Brandy to her probation meeting, went to the Boys and Girls Club to pick up my check, and now I'm home. In a few hours I am going to head to Walmart, then to Life Bridge at 3 to meet with Traci, then to Kouts at 6 to meet with Tammy.

At some point I would also like to walk a few miles. I don't know what I will do because right now I want to relax because I feel a little overwhelmed.

When I picked up my check today I got some good news. I am getting the position at the South Haven location for the summer which means it is closer than the Portage location, and it is in the afternoon. I am very excited.

RIP Howser

2010-04-16T20:49:00.000-05:00

In the past 20 minutes, our dog Howser passed away.

It's official

2010-04-08T19:14:00.001-05:00

I am now officially an employee of the Boys and Girls Club.

Just though I would share.

The Job I Want....

2010-04-06T03:22:00.000-05:00

The job I want...

The job I want is fun.

The job I want pays well. Really well.

The job I want is filled with purpose.

The job I want is flexible. I want to choose my own schedule and have the freedom to change it on a whim if I so desire (and/or be able to take my work with me and do it where ever).

The job I want uses all of my talents and skills and passions and hobbies.

The job I want encourages me to grow.

The job I want doesn't require me to adhere to some bizarre dress code (or any dress code).

The job I want doesn't seem to exist.

So what shall I do while I dream about this job that doesn't seem to exist. I had my interview with the Boys and Girls Club last Wednesday, and I am waiting for them to get my background check and to finish calling my references. I think they liked me in the interview. I will hopefully find out if they are going to hire me by Wednesday.

I have been looking online at different opportunities and job openings and thinking about what Iwant to do as well as what I can do with my limited education (4 years of college and no degree... I'm trying really hard to get back to college and finish up my last 20 some credit hours.)

I'm really discouraged and I hate it when I feel like that. I wish I could describe the discouragement.

This discouragement is like....

...standing in an eternal limbo... a waiting that never ends.

...hope is gone, only the question of why we keep this up remains.

... feeling like the path to success is being blocked...like there is an obstacle at every corner that further delays whatever it is that I am seeking.

... anxiety.

...inescapable.

...despair.

...a confusion... whats the point? What's it all worth in the end?

... a desire to make it all just end... like hoping the problem will go away is futile, you just want your existense to end.

All this over not being able to find a job and being dissatisfied with what is available. Can we say drama queen? I'm just glad that this feeling is short and fleeting.

This life will never be what we expect or hope it to be. Are we setting our standards too high?

Or do we long for something greater because we were made for something greater! And our desires reflect that.

I think about why this hopeless despair sets in, and I think that though we are made for something greater, there is a deep and troubling reason for it.

Not everyone has the same opportunites in life. I worked with a girl who believes adamantly that everyone does have the same opportunities and those who don't succeed in life are lazy underachievers who want everything to be handed to them.

An interesting thought for someone who DID have everything handed to her growing up.

It's hard for me to think about this.... It's hard trying to succeed in life. It's hard trying to get back to college and earn my degree. I'm still pushing toward it, but the fact is that it's hard.

I'm fine with hard work. Anything worth doing is not going to be easy. But there comes a point when you are constantly swimming against the current that you just become physically and mentally weak and tired.

Swimming against the current is a pretty good analogy. Everyone is fighing against the flow of a mighty river to achieve some goal. Everyone moves at a different pace and it will be easier for some and harder for others.

Some people are naturally born with a powerful engine operated boat that moves them with ease and they reach their goals fairly easy and with little standing in their way.

Others have smaller boats, some with motors, some requiring manpower.
Others still have nothing more than a rowboat or a raft.
And others still are simply swimming, they are moving upstream through their own power with nothing to aid or protect them from the dangers of the river.

Who do you think is going to find their goals first and easiest? Who do you think is going to struggle more?

Who do you think is in danger of giving up or becoming too tired to keep going?

The swimmer.

The swimmer has everything against them. The current of the river, rocks, debris, storms, the coldness of the water, fatigue from their own manpower being used, inability to replenish strength because there is no where to carry anything for any form of renewal.

One can be a strong swimmer... the strongest even. But the current is strong and it is pushing against the swimmer. Rocks and debris in the water, like speedbumps, trip up the swimmers, potentially cause harm, sometimes prevent the swimmer from being able to take the necessary paths. etc, etc. etc.

Obviously this is not about swimming and its easy to keep going with the analogy.

I guess the idea is that I feel like a swimmer. No amount of trying is going to put an end to the obstacles that I am facing. Its like society is directly opposed to success if you weren't born into a family that can wave a dollar and remove all obstacles.

It's probably a good thing that I am stubborn.

No more ramblings for tonight. I'm still discouraged.

Door Closed.

2010-03-23T02:33:00.000-05:00

It's 2am and I am hiding out in the bathroom. Why? I just feel like it. It's quiet and I can be alone for a little while. I just hope no one has to use the bathroom any time soon.

I just want some time. I am beyond tired right now, but I am not ready to sleep yet because I just need some time. I wish it were warmer, because then I would just sit outside with my laptop and enjoy the spring/summer nights.

I checked my email when I got home from dropping Rachel off and I had a letter from the job I was supposed to interiew with saying that they basically weren't going to hire me. I haven't even had the interview yet. It was supposed to be at 3pm today. but I guess thats okay because I didn't really think i was qualified for the job anyway.

Do you ever wonder what God is up to? Ofcourse you probably do. Know one really fully knows the mind of God, do they?

I wonder what opportunities He is going to open for me now... and how many more He is going to close before He opens the door I can walk through.

I do now want to be unemployed for the next 5 months, so please, God, open doors for me and provide.

I guess that's all really. I'm too tired to do any more.

Home Again

2010-03-21T16:08:00.000-05:00

Wow. It has only been since Friday that my employment with Camfel Productions has ended but it feels like a month ago. That may be that I just checked out mentally after we got the news.

But that's okay, I see such an opportunity right now for me to cultivate the relationships I've been yearning for.

Today I brought Brandy with me to church, and tomorrow Rachel and I are going to the twenty-somethings group. Then on Tuesday I have an interview at 3pm.

Waiting on God to lead...

I am Sad, but I'm not disappointed.

2010-03-16T00:48:00.000-05:00

I guess today was the "ides of March" and it completely passed me unaware. That would be funny if the same thing happened on St. Patty's day. Although we will be making our way to Chicago at that point, so it might be hard to forget.

It's been a long week, but I have some news.

It's more than me getting the process of returning to Bethel started. (I already made mention of that).

I was recently laid off from work. Now this not necessarily a bad thing. How many times have I said my heart was no longer with Camfel Productions. And despite my heart longing for other things, I stuck to my committment to excellency over adequacy. Katey and I found out on Thursday when I called the team leader to do my weekly call in. He let us know then. It sounded like he was having a hard time telling us. But we were assured that the reason we were being let go was due to the economy. It's actually been this way for some time now that schools have not been ordering shows. The company has scrunched schedules together, and we really just have nothing scheduled for us after this Friday.

My team leader was very adamant in the fact that we have done nothing wrong and that he believes Katey and I are excellent Technicians. We were not the first team to go, and we won't be the last. He even said he would personally write letters of reference to each job that we applied to, and that if we should ever decide to return to Camfel, our applications would be a formality and we would already have the job.

I thought I would be disappointed, even though I have been desiring to do something else because I was fully prepared to wait until June. I even wanted to wait until June because I wanted to stick to my committments and my contract had me going until June. But I found that disappointment was actually quite the opposite of what I was feeling. I was at peace. While it is true that I am certainly experiencing some sadness (I had some great adventures and learning experiences with Camfel), there is no disappointment.

I have this sense... I have been thinking about this... I went into Camfel Productions knowing and believing that God had me there for a reason, He was teaching me and changing me, perhaps even restoring me.... and now "It is finished." are the words I keep hearing in my heart.

You know, it really didn't even dawn on me until I had typed the words just now that part of my reason for going to Camfel was for restoration, for healing. It makes sense that there is a point that everything had to be stripped away from me. Whether by my choice to give it up or by force, I had to be left with nothing for a time. I had to learn to rely on God more deeply and I had to give Him room He wanted to work in me and through me.

The wonderful thing is that I do feel like I have been restored, that I have gone from broken to beautiful. That peices of the puzzle that were not in place before have found their connection and I am a whole being, complete in the image of God.

I realized that I've been laughing again. Truly laughing! I'm not afraid to be a little silly. I feel like me again!

I also feel that I have been refined. I have been through the desert and the jagged edges of me have been smoothed away by the sand to reveal the glory and imagine of God. I know who I belong to, my convictions stand stronger and more powerful than they ever have. Jesus is my Lord and I belong to Him.

I find it slightly ironic that just a few days before I spoke with my teamleader, I had started filling out applications for places like the boys and girls club.

God has His hand on me and on my tour partner and He is leading us each step of the way.

I wonder what he has in store for me next. Certainly, I am sure He will be watching to see if I pursue the ministry and relationships I desired that working with Camfel would not allow me to have.

Returning to College

2010-03-09T19:46:00.000-06:00

I feel almost like a prodigal child planning my return home, except I'm not wallowing in shame, I'm full of determination. I'm feeling stronger than before... and wiser, more focused, more goal oriented.

So Im not back in college yet, but the process has been set in motion, and I'm excited for that.

Jeremy Higgins

2010-03-09T18:35:00.001-06:00

I knew Jeremy and his family through the church I attended when I was younger. I didn't really have any contact with them after my family moved, but this is still important. So I just wanted to pass it on with the verication that this is a real person and a real situation, and not just some forward I'm posting in my blog

It's not... but it is.

2010-03-02T21:43:00.001-06:00

It's interesting, the way things seem to turn... I wrote a letter to a group of people and mailed it today, and in some of it, I was talking about how I feel ineffective in ministry, and how I want to be more relational. Well, today the two guys who helped us set up for the assembly just opened up to us right away, then after the first assembly a junior high school student came up to me and said Thank You and hugged me. It was a little strange because I was unsure whether I was suppose to hug him back or not (schools get weird about that), so I did the sort of half hug pat you on the back hug.

Then after the second assembly, a girl walked up to me and started talking about how she was bullied in Middle School and how now she stands up for people being bullied. I told her the school needs more people like her.

It was the first time in a while that I felt like our video was actually making an impact. I mean, I'm sure that the video impacts people more than we can know, but there seemed to be a lot of response today. Today felt like a very relational day. Of course, there isn't much of an opportunity to follow up on the people we talk to, but for the moment, I hope they see that I can be someone who cares because I don't just forget about them after we leave the school.

On another note, Katey and I tried out the couch surfers website, and we had a positive experience. We stayed with a married couple with three young boys last night in Muncie, IN. It was great to be able to meet them (except we didn't meet the boys, they were in bed). They were curious about what it is that we do and we had some great converstations. And I'm still alive to tell the tale, so that's a plus.

I'm really excited that tomorrow I get to sleep in. I don't have to get up until 6am!!! Over the past few days, we've had to leave the places we were staying by 5:15am. I normally give myself half an hour, so I am going to get an extra hour and a half to sleep, which is good, because I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. I think I've been averaging between 5 and 6 hours on most days, which is not terrible, but day after day of doing this, and you really start to feel it (hey, that can help explain the mood swings too!). Then also, Katey read something that was along the lines of: for every 4 hours of driving you do, you need an extra hour of sleep in addition to the 8 hours you're already supposed to be getting. I laughed because we regularly drive 4 or more hours in a day.

Anyway, I have to wake up in 7 hours and 15 minutes, so it might be time to say goodnight.

to be a woman... That is the curse

2010-02-27T20:38:00.000-06:00

Isn't it amazing the mood swings that women can go through?

Yesterday I was feeling so inspired and ready to change the world, to bring a message of hope... but today I can't even find it for myself.

Why do I have days like that?

I am an emotional creature. I am looking forward to a future that seems so far away. I must try not to be discouraged at the wait.

2010-02-26T22:23:00.000-06:00

I've been reading the Freedom Writers Diary for the past few days and every time I pick it up, I find myself drawn into the lives of the students who wrote the diary. I don't know who they are, but my heart connects to theirs. I could relate to a few of them on minor levels, but mostly I know that they have suffered in ways that I can't even have nightmares of.

My heart connects to theirs because I want the same thing that they, as freedom writers, were striving for, social and racial justice.

I am inspired by these students and by their teacher. It really forces me to think about what I can be doing to make a difference.

Maybe that is actually why I love Camfel's video Balance of Power so much. I feel like Balance of Power Speaks to many of the situations that the students had faced. Obviously it's not even close to touching on all of it, but it's something, and I think it's something powerful.

But I do wonder how many of the students who would see the video and have had experiences like the Freedom Writers did... how many of them would write the video off, or simply not even pay attention.

Can a video alone make an impact?

I hope that schools and teachers are following up the video with the resourses that Camfel offers.

The Freedom Writers found themselves inspired and ready to change because someone dared to get dirty with them. Ministry is relational. I told a friend that I was struggling because I want to get in the dirt with children and teens rather than press a play button and give an inspiring conclusion.

Today Katey and I were playing the Ninja game and some of the students from the middle school we were at joined us (and beat us... they were good). It was so cool, just to play a game with them...because it felt more personal and more relational and more like ministry to play that game than it did to talk with them and ask them what their favorite school subject was while setting up or tearing down.

I think so much that I want to change the world. I really do want to start a revolution. That's not just the title of my blog. I want to inpsire change. To be a revolutionary...

I feel so alive to think about it.
I feel like this is what I was made for!

Maybe it was.

Half way through?

2010-02-18T01:44:00.000-06:00

Wow, I haven't updated this thing in a while. I've thought about it several times, but when it came down to actually doing it, I guess I just wasn't really motivated.

Not much of any particular interest has really happened.

My cousin Christopher was bailed out of Jail recently, and I guess he is staying with my family.

My friend Christine's uncle died recently, plus there are other private matters going on in her life. I wish I could be of more help than feeling bad for her and feeling guilty that Im relieved that it's not me dealing with the issues. I hope we do get to hang out soon.

I ran away from my issues. That was probably the best solution for me because it removed me from them, and now I can look at them from a new perspective. I have a... sort of... have a plan for when I have to deal with them again.

I have a confession to make. The idea of being in a (romantic) relationship with someone scares me to no end. Perhaps I deliberately sabotoge myself. Regardless, I feel content until God chooses to make any changes to my relationship status.

Speaking of relationships, I sent one of my guy friends a Valentine because he posted on his facebook that in Korea girls give Valentines to the boys, then he made a comment to the affect of "So ladies, I'm waiting" then other people told him not to expect anything, so I went out and bought him a card, candy, and a stuffed animal and sent it to him. So now he can say in your face to the people who said he'd never get anything. LOL.

We've had about 9 days off without any shows so far. Our next one is Friday. Tomorrow (Thursday to me) Katey and I plan to go roller skating with her friend Anna Marie. Christine doesn't know if she will be able to see me or not even though she will be in the chicago area.

And by the way, my work partner, Katey, is one of a kind. My life is richer for knowing her.

2010-01-31T00:26:00.000-06:00

I've been feeling it coming on for a little while... I feel like I'm changing. Or maybe I'm just getting in touch with who I really am. It's a mystery to me.

Lately, I have noticed that I feel very antisocial most of the time. Sometimes I just want to get away and be by myself, even if I am doing nothing at all.

I used to thrive on being around people, not so much anymore. I still enjoy being around people, but I've been really valuing and appreciating the times when I am by myself.

It feels calmer... more serene. I find peace in it.

"Be still and know that I am God."

Maybe that's what it's all about.

I was reading my Bible last night and I was in Genesis reading through a lot of Abrahams story and I was struck with a realization. It seemed that it was an honor and a blessing for a guest to stay at your house. This was such a revelation for me because I think a lot of times people look at having a guest either as a burden or an opportunity for ministry. And I think at times it can truly be both.

But what a way to look at hospitality though... Instead of being the blesser or the burdened, it was like a special privilege to have someone stay with you.

I don't think I have the gift of hospitality, but imagine how amazing it would be to carry that perspective. Maybe people who have the gift of hospitality do think that way. I don't know. But I think the idea is beautiful.

I've also been thinking a lot about my role as a guest in people's houses. I think a lot of times I feel extremely uncomfortable and I feel like a burden. I fear that I will say something or do something that will offend the host. I think that probably stems back to when I was ten years old. I was at a friends house for a birthday party sleep over and my friends dad looked at me and said "You know what I've noticed about you, you're really rude."

He later apologized to me for saying it, but I wasn't sure what I had done to offend him, and ever since I've always felt uncomfortable being a guest in someone's house, especially overnight.

Anyway, I wonder, how I as a guest can make the host feel as though having me in their house was a blessing to them.

Supersize Me

2010-01-29T21:45:00.000-06:00

Anytime I feel like I need motivation to eat and be healthier, I can watch Supersize Me and suddenly I am very inspired and health conscious. My work partner, Katey, and I are watching it right now. I feel sick watching him eat it all.

It seems crazy to me how eating fast food effected even the persons mood. I believe it. It's just an eye opener. Fast food has addictive tendencies.

I think that is one of the reasons I am glad that we have had free housing for the past ten days. Just about everyone who has housed us has cooked for us. Last night we had veggi soup, thanks to a friend parents who housed us. :-)

Katey and I have also made it important to work out together at least 3 times a week. I have a 30 minute (Turbo Charged Fat Burner) tae bo video and a 90 minute aerobic and cardio workout, and Katey has a 3-mile walking program.

sigh

2010-01-24T15:02:00.001-06:00

I think for me silence is a part of the fight or flight response. When I dont feel comfortable where I am, I am silent. It's the flight part of the response, only I cant truly flee or remove myself from the situation at hand, but I can figuratively by being quiet. Silence in essence, makes me disappear, it lets me go unnoticed. If I go unnoticed then I cant bother anyone. If no one is bothered by me then they cant reject me. So silence is my defense mechanism.

And all I can hear is blah blah blah...

2010-01-20T03:24:00.000-06:00

I hate packing. Have I ever mentioned that before? Well, it's true. I think that probably stems from packing so much during my life. Moving to another house, another school, going to college, coming home again. To me it is overwhelming. Even when all I have to do is wash my clothes, fold them, and put them in my suitcase. Overwhelming. It's probably overwhelming because there is a part of me that does not want to leave.

I'm not dreading going back on the road. I'm sure once I get going it will be a welcome change. But I am very comfortable where I am at right now (well, mostly... I'd be better with my own apartment). I guess the thing is that I've had my grand adventure. I've done my traveling. I don't think it's all out of my system yet, I think I will always be a little wild, but a part of me desires something a little more steady, and... dare I say it?... predictable.

I like going to the same church twice. I like going to the same Bible study every week (I just like going to a Bible study at all!) This past Monday I brought my friend Rachel to a Bible study group I attend when I'm home. She really liked it. Even though we needed to leave and meet up with Christine (because Christine was taking her home) she wanted to stay longer, and she wants to come back again. I just feel like if Iwere more permanently in Valpo, I could bring her every week with me.

I know that working for Camfel is pretty much living ministry, but I feel myself being drawn to a more relational ministry where I see the same people over again and can build relationships with them.

One of the really great things about Camfel is that my first ministry is to my tour partner. That is definitely relational ministry, but it's different than where I feel like I need to be, or will need to be. I believe whole heartedly that God brought me to Camfel, so I know that I am right where He wants me. In June (ish?) when my contract ends, that may change. I will definitely work for Camfel again if God wants me to stay.

I really want to get my degree in Youth Ministry and Adolescent Studies. Part of that could be that I just miss doing homework. I am too weird, I know. I see a whole world of opportunities opening up for me just by getting a degree. I don't think it matters what degree I get. My opportunities seem greater just by having one. But I want the one in Youth Ministry. I don't know where I will go with that degree... Facilitate a youth ministry... work for a para-church organization... be a dorm mom... continue with Camfel Productions... work at KFC and do living ministry... I hope all of my ministry is living ministry.

I just want to be effective. It would be nice to see tangible results every now and then... to know that I'm making a difference, to know that people are seeing that God loves them so much and wants to be in a relationship with them... to see people realize that this life is not the end, that something greater exists and they have access to it, not just when they die, but here and now... The Tangible Kingdom...
I don't see the growth of students because I don't usually see them more than once.

"Sometimes one of the most Spiritual things you can do is take a nap"

2010-01-18T01:27:00.000-06:00

Have you ever been so tired that when your alarm clock went off in the morning you wanted to cry. That happened to me twice today. I haven't been sleeping very well since I've been home, I suppose that could be due to the fact that I don't have my own bed. And because of one of our dogs, Nina...

Emotions were high today. I was feeling very crabby, but right now I'm kind of in a mood where I just don't care anymore. sleep.....sigh.

So it's probably a good thing that I will be starting my tour five days early. I found out last Wednesday that I will be starting my tour this Wednesday. It will be good to be working again. February might be a little rough money wise because I won't get a very large reimbursement (ten days worth?) and I'm not sure when my next pay is coming. But it's all good because I know that God is taking care of me.

So, on January 9 I started this read through the Bible in a Year thing on crosswalk.com, and it takes me through the Bible chronologically (cool!) and I have already missed a day. I am so lame.

My Personlity Profile

2010-01-12T15:39:00.000-06:00

Agreeableness
CONSISTENTLY TAKING CARE OF OTHERS
"What can I do for you?" These words probably feel very natural to you. More than most people, you are genuinely interested in the well-being of others. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are attentive, trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in as straightforward and direct a manner as you can.
There may even be times when you put others' needs in front of your own. And you do so without the expectation of some reward or recognition. Yours is a different kind of compassion; you are genuinely tenderhearted and take pleasure in helping others while expecting little or nothing in return. For you, it's not tit-for-tat, you truly want to do things for others that will better their lives. You mean it when you ask, "What can I do for you?"

Openness
SOMETIMES CURIOUS, SOMETIMES CONTENT
Like someone who can sleep comfortably on either side of the bed, you are equally at home with ideas and beliefs that you have held for a long time and with new ways of thinking and believing that grow out of your intellectual curiosity.
Your sense of who you are and what your place is in the world around you rests on values and principles that are the solid ground you walk upon. You've tested them, they work for you, and much of the time you are content to trust them, that is, until some provocative new idea slips in from a conversation, book or some flight of your active imagination. "Hmmmm. What's this. Never thought of it before." And off you go, exploring.

Since you love to learn, you've always been teachable; you absorb new information, which means you are well-educated in things that matter to you. Sometimes your intellectual exploring will lead you back to where you started; the "next new thing" proves too shallow or impractical to you. But once in a while a new idea or belief will dislodge you from the ground you've stood upon; it is so compelling and persuasive that you step away from the tried-and-true and embrace this notion that is brand new to you.
Because you hold both solid beliefs and are open to new ideas, you are accepting of other people and other ways of thinking and believing. You are flexible enough to listen to something new and different, or something outside of your comfort zone; if it works for you, you'll take it in, and if not, you'll let it go. In this sense, you know who you are: you are neither closed-minded nor wildly open-minded, but walk somewhere near the middle of the intellectual road.

Emotional Stability
RESPONSIVE
You are an emotional person. In some ways, we are all emotional; we feel joy, anger, sadness and fear; some of us more powerfully than others - and you more powerfully than most. Your emotions are closer to the surface, and your feelings more obvious to you than is the case with most people. You've got your life in a good place, your dominant mood is upbeat, and unless life has been particularly trying for you, you greatly enjoy the richness and intensity of life that being so open with your emotions brings you.
Sure there are times when your feelings come very close to the surface, and life becomes more complicated. At these times you may grow self-conscious, or feel a bit anxious. But all in all, you much prefer being open with your emotions, breathing in all that life offers, than shutting down any part of your emotional experience. Granted, there may be times when these emotions are hard but you realize that is part of life. And more often than not you feel enriched by your emotions, by your ability to be open to all that life brings you. You know that even when you have those times that get you down, there will be even more times when you see life in ways that others just can't.

Contientiousness
FLEXIBLE
When there's a job to be done, like most people you want to know what the goal is and when it's to be completed. For you, that's a start. Next you want to know what the plan is to get to the goal. So you lay out a plan, or at least the major points of a plan: "Organize the kitchen sometime this spring" or "Get the project at work done as soon as possible." You don't need an in-depth specification of every little detail; in fact you prefer not to work that way. You lay out your goals, develop a general plan, and then you get things done.
You believe in intuition as well as organization. As such, you trust impulses as much as strategies and you value spontaneity as much as you do efficiency. In a word, you like to keep it flexible. When you set out to accomplish a task, you prefer to have some room to maneuver. Like an artist, you find that the best way to reach a goal is not always in a straight line. Some of the most productive times for you are the unplanned moments of inspiration and creativity that just come to you. While you do keep to a general plan, those times of pure vision and originality are what really drive you.
Some of the people who rely completely on an organized approach to getting things done may be surprised at your efficiency. But there is a definite method to your approach. With a creative flair that others may not have anticipated, the original plan gets met and there are often a few extra accomplishments along the way. Your comfort zone starts with a task and a plan but it also requires the freedom to be able to go with your instincts and impulses so that you can not just accomplish the task, you also have the option to explore something brand new along the way.

Extraversion
SOMETIMES OUTGOING, SOMETIMES RESERVED
Lucky you! You enjoy your own company as much as you enjoy the company of others. You are a great conversationalist and thrive in the wonderful kinds of connections you know how to have with your family and friends. You also equally enjoy your own company, whether sitting in a favorite chair with your book and soft music playing or meandering in the woods by yourself. You like coming home to your family or your roommate; but if no one is home, you find quiet, solitary time to be just as pleasurable. What a great combination to enjoy being outgoing and to be just as comfortable being reserved. Lucky you!!
Because you are so amiable and relaxed, you are comfortable with almost any group of family or friends. Whether they are pumped up and lively or calm and subdued, you remain at ease. If someone needs to take over the conversation, you are comfortable taking the lead; you can also lay back and let someone else be in charge. If the conversation gets rowdy, your moderate demeanor will often draw it down to a more temperate level. If someone in the group loses their cool, you will most likely maintain your poise, and if they get nasty you know how to keep a civil tongue.

You may find yourself out of balance on occasion. If you're alone too much, you may need to get in touch with someone. If you spend too much time with your family and friends, you may need to sneak off for a day by yourself, to putter and read and clear your head of the noise of too much conversation. When you're at your best, you live with a rhythm of time with others, time alone, time with others, time alone It's a satisfying, comfortable balance. Lucky you!

Well, this comprehensive personality profile came from eharmony.com. No, I am not trying online dating. I just wanted to take te personality test.. I'm also going to retake the Myers-Briggs personality test will probably post my results.

Life Bridge Alive

2010-01-12T03:16:00.000-06:00

I've come close to posting a blog update three times since I last posted. I have deleted each one. I guess it was simply because I had nothing of any value to offer to the people who read my blog. But I guess that's okay because I don't write for people, I write for me. But despite my acceptance, I bring something for my readers today.

Life Bridge Alive

This is a webpage set up by the leaders (specifically, I think Pete did all/most of it) at the church I attend and each week the message for the week is posted in video format for people to watch.

In the links at http://www.lifebridgealive.com/ you can also go to the section that says walk and there are devotions written by members of the church. I think all devotion authors are Bridge Builders or higher, or in other words, they have gone through processes to become leaders within the church, if that matters to you. I've also written a few of the devotions, so go check them out.

I just read the one for today (January 12) and I though Sara did an excellent job. Her words and ideas are simply profound.

Anyway, I've been counting my blessings, and I know that I am so blessed to be a part of a church that thinks critically about how to empower people to grow as (and to be) Disciples of Christ. That's something that seemed to be missing from many of the churches I visited in the Northwest while on tour. (And I know those churches aren't in-effective, they're just not there yet.)

In other news, I switched my cell phone service to T-mobile and I'm getting a much better deal, (500 any time minutes and unlimitted nights/weekends, texting, and internet for only $60 a month) I really think AT&T was ripping me off.

I also bought a laptop. :-) I hope this laptop empowers me to communicate with family, friends, and Life Bridge more effectively. I am hoping to be able to write more devotions for the website and more childrens curriculum or what ever I may need it for. Thank you God for this blessing.

Last post of 2009

2009-12-31T16:50:00.000-06:00

Goodbye 2009.

Hello 2010.

No resolutions.

I went out with my friends last night. Christine, Doug, Rader, and I went out and had pizza then went back to Dougs place and watched Ernest commercials. Dougs grandfather died yesterday.

When it started getting late, Doug went to bed, Rader left and Christine and I drove back to ger place and played Mario on her wii for a few hours. Then we picked Rachel up and went to the Blue Chip Casino Las Vegas Lounge. Wednesday is karaoke night. I had a blast, and I didn't even drink. I usually dont drink. I dont see the point. Most alcohol taste awful to me.

When we left it was snowing outside (still) and I started packing a snowball to throw at Christine and I claimed that I was a good girl. Three guys were walking past and one of them says "yeah right, you know every girl says that is really a freak in bed." to which I replied, "yeah well, you'll never know."

After we dropped Rachel off at home we went back to Christines place, played mario a little more and went to sleep.

And here I am. Life is grand. I get to hang out with Ruth and Christine tomorrow night and I'm super excited about that. I haven't seen Ruth in forever.

Christmas, Church, and a lonely old man...

2009-12-27T21:54:00.000-06:00

You know how I relieve awkward situations? I state the obvious and draw attention to it. It actually relieves the tension. There's no point in living with an elephant in the room. You can't confront a problem if you don't face it. Conflict avoidance is a terrible way to work things out. It's too bad that most of the time my initial desire is to ignore the tension and pretend it doesn't exist.

That was just on my mind, now for the real post... the cliche Christmas post that everyone is posting around these times.

Christmas was good. I made it home before noon on Christmas Eve, finished my Christmas shopping, and went to the Christmas party at my cousins house. Then Christmas day my family got up, had breakfast, and opened gifts. Every year I find myself unhappy at that point. My family gets me great gifts, like this year, I got a GPS thing, two new tires for my car, pajamas, and a few other small things. See, really good gifts. But like so many others before me, I sit here and think about what the point of it is.

My parents feels bad when they can't shower us with 15 gifts on Christmas (so they feel bad every Christmas). I find each year that i don't really want anything else. Most of the time I feel like I have everything I am ever going to need.

What I really wanted on Christmas was to see the people I haven't seen in the past five months. I know that they were all busy celebrating with their families, so they couldn't see me... and that's when I started thinking about all this.

Christmas isn't about gifts and parties or even people really. It's a celebration of the incarnation of our Lord and King, Jesus Christ. Of His birth... In that we celebrate with family and friends, and serve people around us... or we claim that we do it in the Spirit of His name. Do we really though? We includes me.

I know that I have made a few posts that question and rag on Church and Spiritual matters, but please don't think I am angry or even dis-illusioned with the Church. I have frustration that I experience because of what I see, but I love the Church.

On another note...
A few days ago, my new tour partner, Katey, and I were in South Dakota at a Dairy Queen when we met this older man who gave us Christmas cards. He wanted someone to talk to, so we talked with him for a little while, and learned about him. I never found out his name, but his birthday was around Dec. 15 and he spent it alone. He also spent Thanksgiving alone, and he might have spent Christmas alone. I don't know if he did. I hope not. He told us that he would spend Christmas alone if his brother and sister in law couldn't come get him.

I felt really bad for him because its awful to feel lonely, to feel like you don't matter to anyone. What was really sad to me is that this man was not sitting and sulking about his problems and saying "woe is me", nor was he asking for money or food or donations. He was out there at Dairy Queen making an effort, trying to talk to people and handing out Christmas cards. People simply weren't responding to him. Maybe it was because he was Native American, or perhaps because he was visibly blind in one eye. He might have looked scary to people. But my heart cried for him because he was lonely. I ended up giving him a postcard with my address on it so he could write to me if he wanted. I hope he does. I can't wait to write back to him.

I started thinking about ministry and how a lot of ministry is focused around the poor, needy, hungry... and providing for their physical needs. Give them food, give them lodging, give them money, give them clothes, get them a job, teach them to fish... how many of these people only wanted to feel that they were loved and cared for and not just a charity case for some Christian who hasn't given their tithe yet? How many of them are lonely and want sometone to sit with them for a while?

Sometimes it's so much easier to just give people things and not try to connect with them on a personal level, but human kind as a whole is deeply and instinctually relational. We need interaction and we need to know that we are more than a number, statistic, or charity case. My prayer goes out to this man, and to all the lonely people. May you find that you are love.

The Church is a Whore

2009-12-22T21:41:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking a lot about my experiences in regards to church this semester and what I wrote in my last entry about visiting churches being only comparable to visiting a prostitute. It dawned on my that there are several times in Scripture, particularly the Old Testament where the nation of Israel was called a prostitute chasing after her lovers and turning her back on God.
I read through some of those scriptures and I just felt like that was "church", a prostitute, turning her back on God, chasing after her lovers, and failing to point people to God.

As I've travelled and visited many churches I have felt very much like an outsider. Too many times I was able to slip in unnoticed and leave the same way. I suspect part of the that was my tour partners desire, but it always bothered me. I can only think of two churches during the time that I didn't feel like I was getting a "quickie." One was in the state of Washington and the other was in Wyoming. Don't misunderstand me though, there were a few churches where the message challenged and inspired me.

However, I've also found that it was true that a lot of churches failed to point me to God, or they preached things that I believe are contradictory to Scripture.

The "Health and Wealth" gospel seems to be pretty big in California. If you want to refute that one just read the book of Job. Jesus also warns those who choose to give their lives to Him in the gospels that in this world there will be troubles and that no servant is greater than his master. If Jesus suffered, we will too. I do believe that God does want to bless us and give us health and riches, but I also believe there is an enemy who uses those things to turn us away from God.

It also seems like money is a huge deal to a lot of churches. I think more than anything, this bother me the most. Why should it bother me that a church has a Star Bucks in it? Well, I have yet to see a church with a starbucks, but I do see a lot of churches where they have coffee bars and set ups just like a star bucks and they charge for it. But not only do you get a coffee bar that you have to pay for the items you buy, you are not allowed to take anything into the sanctuary with you.

I walked into a church where my tour partner was told she couldn't bring her coffee in (a coffee that had a lid and was sealed), and I just wanted to say with sarcasm dripping from me: "Gee it's good to know that you are more concerned about the welfare of your carpets than about ministering to people". While it may be a generally good thing to want to take care of the things God has blessed you with, why does it matter if someone spills coffee and you have a stain on your once pristine and shining carpet or on your new pews? Who are you trying to impress??? People with money? Where does your heart belong church?

Its odd to me because the church I belong to at home has a coffee bar and it's free (and you can take it into the sanctuary!). It's contents are provided through donations and volunteers who keep everything filled up. It's the body taking care of the body. But it's also more than that, it's the church saying to the community that we welcome them and love them and want to point them to the Father.

I know that churches are not perfect, nor are the people in them, but some of the things I;ve been seeing just seem ridiculous to me.

Get it together Churches! Turn your hearts back to God! And for those churches whose hearts belong to God, keep going and dont lose heart!

2009-12-17T23:41:00.000-06:00

It's been an interesting experience, being on the road in the Northwest for the past four months. My tour ended in November, just before Thanksgiving so I've spent the past few weeks at the home base working on the Local/Northern California tour. I've had the opportunity to work with a few new people, and it's been a lot of fun, but also very challenging. My most recent partner and I have a very different worldview and I find myself holding back from speaking often in order to prevent arguments, especially when it comes to issues of money, hardships, and mercy. I am so ready to go home for break.

As I have been working with different people, I've noticed one thing that they have in common. The idea of sharing what you have and do seems foreign to them. I never ask for anything from them, I just offer what I have and expect nothing back. Or sometimes I will simply do things for them, like washing their dishes when I wash mine. I explained once that it was for the sake of the Kingdom of God that I consider nothing to be my own. But I've made people upset. I don't understand why.

Anyway, on Saturday I am flying to South Dakota to finish the week with my partner for next semester. Then home on the 24th. I am very ready to be home. I miss home. The closer it gets the more empty being here feels.

Although I know that working for Camfel is ministry. It is ministry to my partner(s), to the schools, to the students, to the hotels, restaurants, stores, people I meet in everyday life...it is living ministry, and I love that... but right now, I really miss being at home. I miss Project Valpo's and Youth Ministry, and children ministry, and Bridge Builders, and Sunday morning worship, and I miss it so incredibly much that being here right now feels empty. I think what I miss is being involved in church more than once a week and more than just for hearing a message.

I feel like that is what church has been these past few months... all about hearing a message and going on my way. I don't like it. I would compare it to visiting a prostitute, it's a meaningless fling that makes me feel good for a while, but in the end doesn't really do anything for me. I want something more intimate. Church isn't about hearing a message. It's not a quicky. Church is a family of believers who care about eachother and are involved in the different growth processes of people in the church and throughout the community... and so much more. I miss that.

The journey of a thousand mile begins with... Camfel Productions!

2009-11-24T00:01:00.001-06:00

Okay, the plane ticket has been bought so I guess it's official enough to blog about now.
I am not coming home early even though my tour is done right now. I am going to stay in Irwindale (probably doing office work and local/Northern Cal shows) until December 19. Then on December 19 I will fly to South Dakota where my tour partner for next semester, Katey, will pick me up from the airport. I guess we will finish up the tour in South Dakota on Dec. 23, then make a 14 hour drive (or split it between the 23rd and 24th) back to my house where my parter will drop me off then drive another four hours to her house to be home on December 24th.
Then on January 24th, she will pick me up at my house and we will start our tour in the MIDWEST!!!! Woohooo!!!! Our first show will be in Illinois. Works for me. :-)

So guess what! Yesterday, I went to a Chinese church. :-) Michelle and I are still in the San Jose/Santa Clara area and so Saturday night I was looking for a church and I found one that sounded cool. It was called River of Life Christian Church. The website had Mandarin Characters on it but it was also in English and had an English service so i thought, "Cool". Then Michelle and I showed up and all we saw were Chinese people and Michelle mused aloud as to whether we would be the only white people there. We weren't. There were like... 4 others, but I thought it was an incredibly neat experience to go to this church. I think it had over 1000 people there. I kind of wanted to sit in the service where the preacher was speaking mandarin (I'm kind of afraid i'm saying/spelling that wrong) just to see how different the worship style and service style is.
Anyway, while we were in the English service they asked all the new people to raise their hand, so I did and everyone came and greeted Michelle and I and shook our hands and gave us a welcome packet. I loved how friendly they were, and I wasn't the least bit uncomfortable being one of the few "white" people in the midst of so many Asians. It was AWESOME!

Well, that's all I have for an update today. :-)

Sunshine makes me happy, but then again, so does snow.

2009-11-22T03:23:00.003-06:00

Well, I suppose I am due for an update. Right now I am in Santa Clara, CA (San Jose, too) at the Hilton Inn (ooh la la, God Bless Priceline.com). I saw New Moon tonight, and though I have the regular complaints people who read books before they see the movies have, I thought it was actually pretty decent, which I thought was hilarious considering everyone else I know seemed to hate it. It was okay. I don't think they will ever capture the true dynamics of Edward and Bella's relationship, but oh well, right?
After I saw it though, I kind of regretted it a little because I remember how I felt after reading the book, and i don't want to open up that can of worms again. Well, too late.

Anyway. Things have been going well. My tour in the Northwest with Camfel Productions is coming to an end, so my tour partner, Michelle, and I are heading back to the Los Angeles where the office is until the company makes a final decision on what they are going to do with us. I would love to say what they're considering, but since it's still up in the air, I wont. I am pretty sure though, that I will tour the midwest next semester, and that my new partner will be Katey. :-) The tour will start later though, like January 25th or 26th, so i will have an extended break. Yay!

So... November 18 was my older brother's Birthday (Josh). He turned twenty-five. November 18 also happened to be the day my nephew Dominic was born! This is Eric's son. (Paternity test pending?)

In other news I've had another dream about my cat that dissappeared back in July. I dreampt that my mom found her in Iowa and brought her home, but then she got out of the car and disappeared again. It made me sad. I cried and the whole day I felt depressed.

I love moments by myself where I can sit and be quiet. Maybe I'll take some time to be still and know that God is God tomorrow (or today, since it's after 1am here)

That's all for now.

While I was sleeping...

2009-11-12T19:00:00.012-06:00

Okay, so I tried to send a blog update from my phone and it posted as 12 different blogposts, but I've corrected it.

I am sitting in a mall right now, glad to be out of the hotel and enjoying being by myself. But right now i'm left to my thoughts and they are bothering me.
I found out this morning that an old class mate from Buffalo High School died on Tuesday night.
One of my friends just found out that one of her parents is seriously ill right now.
One of my cousin's is being held on false charges of child abuse until further notice.
My brother's baby might be born at any time or it just might be false labor, we don't know.
And I'm dealing with some pain from a pulled muscle in my back/hip.
All things considered I know that I am blessed beyond measure. There is good and bad in life and i feel removed from all of it, yet very close to it at the same time.
I've been thinking about everything that happens while I'm sleeping and my role as a christian.

While I was sleeping tuesday night and last night a family was watching one of thier own step into eternity.
A friend was struggling with the question of whether she will lose her dad.
A young girl was anticipating the birth of her first child and experiencing possible pains of labor.
And a father is sitting in jail wondering why someone would accuse him of beating a child he loves.
While I was sleeping the world was turning and people's lives went on. I don't want to be removed from peoples lives. I want to enter into their joys and pains even when i'm not present with them. While I was sleeping I could have been praying or encouraging them on the phone or just writing letters. I will get my rest but may the world never find me sleeping again.

If God is so merciful then why does He allow people to go to Hell?

2009-11-07T20:34:00.001-06:00

Early this afternoon I went to Barnes and Noble with my work partner, Michelle. We spent a couple of hours there and during that time I picked up a book from the Christian Inspiration section and read it. (yeah, pretty much the whole thing excluding the authors notes and stuff in the back of the book.) It was called Nine Days in Heaven. I've read 90 Minutes in Heaven and 23 Minutes in Hell, and though the books were an interesting look at Heaven and Hell neither of them really resonated with me, so when I saw this title it didn't really strike much interest in me, but I did want to see if it was any different from the other two books, so I read the back cover and found myself intensely curious.

This was the descriptions for those who want to know what struck my curiosity: "Marietta Davis fell into a trance at age twenty-five that lasted nine days. She experienced a vision that made her a legend. When she finally regained consciousness she described with extraordinary graphic detail scenes of how angels had conducted her spirit to heaven and hell. Marietta made it clear that her vision was given for her to tell the world so people could prepare for the afterlife."

While I was reading I was given many things to think about, but I think none of them came so strongly as the idea of a merciful God sending people to Hell. We can give the tired old arguments (though very valid) of sin and holiness and the fact that sin and holiness cannot dwell together, but I'm not sure those answers can really satisfy the question when it's centered around mercy. Anyway, as I was reading it dawned on me that the fact that God does allow people to go to Hell proves His mercy, because perhaps Hell itself, though it is a place of judgement, is God still showing mercy on those who have been judged and found guilty.

I know if anyone is reading this they're probably writing me off as a complete idiot right now, but hear me out.

In this book, Marrietta had visited/seen visions of both Heaven and Hell (and keep in mind that she is not seeing them as a Christian). Whether she really visited or just had a vision, or even a dream doesn't make a difference to me so we're not even going to question it because I don't think it changes what I realized. Anyway, she see's Heaven and it's wonder's first and then she see's Hell second and the incredible contrast it was to Heaven's glory.

It was very descriptive, it showed hell as a place where people are given over to their evil desires and as they pursue them they ultimately become a slave to their desires and find them unquenchable and thus live in despair. They live with the knowledge that they had turned their backs on God and crumble in the despair that there was no hope of redemption left for them. In seeing Marrietta in Hell and knowing she didn't belong there (yet) because she was not dead but still had a shot at redemption drove them further into the agony and despair they were suffering. They were sinful and suffering, and their sinfulness bred more sin and suffering, like an endless cycle they couldn't escape. And this was only the surface of Hell.

After seeing Hell, she saw Heaven again where she heard the melody and unity of worship to God in love and found it so beautiful she longed to join in but as she tried she found that she could not align herself to the Melody and the more she tried the more she found herself in her own Hell because she realized that she was unfit for Heaven. The realization drove her mad because she realized that when she tried to join in, she was ruining the song as she did not possess the holiness or the love that caused the angels to sing as one this beautiful song of worship. Her sinfulness ruined it's purity.

The idea was presented that when people die they are ushered to the place where there are souls like themselves, so an evil soul that resisted God was ushered to Hell, a soul cleansed and redeemed by Christ was ushered to Heaven. I thought this was an interesting idea in light of the things she saw in Heaven and Hell. Even Isaiah, when he was in the midst of perfect holiness and purity could only despair of His sinfulness and how he was unfit to be there.

It seems that if sinful people who have not been freed from the bondage of sin were allowed into heaven, they would contaminate heaven, no doubt, but I feel that it might be worse for them than Hell itself. In Hell, they may be recieving the justice due to them, but in Heaven they would be laid bare, exposed, not covered by God's grace as they had never accepted it. They would have a constant reminder that they are unfit for God's Kingdom, that they could never truly be a part of it, that they could never take part in the beauty, lest they ruin it. To me that is far worse than any Hell I can imagine. It reminds me of 2 Peter 2:21 that says It would be better if they had never known the right way to live than to know it and then reject the holy commandments that were given to them. (NLT)
Even though I know this verse it talking about people who turn their backs on Salvation, it seems to fit that it would be less despairing for a person to have never seen Heaven and suffer in Hell than it would be for a person to see Heaven and find themselves condemned. That's why I speculate that Hell, though it's purpose remains, could still be an act of mercy on God's part.

I acknowledge that I could be wrong. But it was intersting to think about.

Arg... Brain Mush.

2009-10-31T01:22:00.001-05:00

A sense of nostalgia washes over me as I sit here reading through blogs and browse facebook pages of friends. Sometimes it just feels like:
Here I am! Now how did I get here?!

It's not that I am in a bad place now. I generally enjoy where I am, but a sense of panic has overcome me as I think about the fact that life has changed and when I am done here, I'm not going back to what was before. I don't know if I really like that. People grow up and change. Life happens.

I loved being at Bethel College, at least until last year right before I dropped out. I am so glad that I did take the time to take that break, because I really needed it. When I left I didn't know if God would ever bring me back to Bethel and have me finish my degree, or if I would move on and do something else with my life. But now I want so much to go back. I have been working hard to pay off my school bill so I can return. ((*highlight* I made a payment today that dropped my bill to below $2,000!)) I emailed Bethel to inquire about what I need to do to return in August, and I got a reply almost right away letting me know that they are glad that I am seeking to return and are forwarding my email to the person I need to talk to. I'm also trying to save as much money as I can to pay for school since I've reached my limit for loans and have lost $10,000 in Grants and Scholarships because I'm a 5th year student. I've also been on www.fastweb.com seeking and applying for scholarships. I've yet to win a scholarship they've told me about, but there's a first time for everything, right?
I pray that if God is leading me to return to Bethel that He will open or close doors, that He would show me which ones to walk through and which ones to stop banging my head against, lol.

I logged on to my student account last week and did a degree audit and I found that Bethel is offering a new minor called Family Studies. I've decided that I want that minor to compliment my degree in Youth Ministry and Adolescent Studies.

So anyway, that tangent brings me back to my original topic. When I return, what do I expect? Most of the people I knew won't be there anymore. They've moved on with their lives... married... started careers... left the United States to do Ministry... I feel kind of like I've been left behind. I guess the only thing I can really do is move on with my life too. I don't think I've been sitting stationary. I know that I've been changing too, but perhaps my heart longs for what is familiar, especially since right now, nothing is familiar to me. It longs for the comfort of the way things were. What happened to the heart that longed for an exciting adventure? I think the heart still wants that, but the heart is fickle. Boo.

But I still wonder... what was it that brought me to this place? How did I move so far away from where I was? This is not a bad place to be. Infact, this is right where I need to be right now.

I don't know how to explain what I feel. It just feels like it happened so fast and here I am. I feel so blessed to be here, yet I long to go back to Bethel in August, even knowing it won't be the same. Maybe the question is simply 'why?'. For what reason does God have me here? For what reason did He have me leave Bethel for the time He did? And the next question is 'what's next?'.

The plan is to return to Bethel.
For what?
To complete a degree.
And then what?
I get a job.
And then what?
Maybe God blesses me with a husband and a family.
And then what?
Maybe I'll retire, have grandkids, and live out the rest of my life in peace and harmony.

Unlikely. I'm not sure I even desire that, really.

When I visited Imago Dei a few weeks ago, Rick McKinley spent some time talking about jobs and working and such. We will never find fulfillment in a job, but we're not supposed to. Fulfillment doesn't come through work, it comes through God. When we are in a job, we seek to be purposeful. There will always be days when we feel like we hate our job, or want to quit. That's why our job has to have purpose.
So let's ask the questions again?

I return to Bethel.
For what?
For vocational training that leads me to a place of purpose.
And then what?
I seek where God wants me.
And then what?
I go there and live life on purpose glorifying God and advancing His Kingdom until the day I die.
And then what?
"Well done good and faithful servant" It's all up to God.

Well, it's late and I'm not sure that I'm really making any sense anyway, so I'm going to finish up and go to bed.

2009-10-25T15:40:00.002-05:00

Once again I saw a homeless person. I see them often, holding signs on the roads, sitting at rest stops...my heart cries out to them and i want to do something to help. Sometimes i find myself not knowing what to do when i cant give them anything that will help their present situation. Jesus says to take case of the poor, the needy... How can i sit here in this van and drive by them when they are crying out. How can i leave them so helpless when i am so blessed? even in my own poverty i have more than they do.God show of how i can be your hands and feet to those in need!

Visiting Imago Dei :-)

2009-10-10T12:37:00.003-05:00

So, I am getting an awesome opportunity. Tomorrow my work partner, Michelle, and I are going to go to church at the Imago Dei Community in Portland, Oregon. This is the community that Donald Miller (author of Blue Like Jazz, Searching for God Knows What, Through Painted Deserts, etc) wrote about and attends. And it is the same church that Rick McKinley (author of This Beautiful Mess and Jesus in the Margins,) is a pastor for.

I am really excited about this opportunity, especially after reading This Beautiful Mess where Rick McKinley talks about the church body and the Kingdom of God.

I don't want to visit this community for the sake of visiting it. I want it to be a learning process. I want to see how the Kingdom of God is lived out by the people who make up Imago Dei. I want to be challenged, and I want to be inspired.

2009-10-06T15:03:00.003-05:00

Every now and then when I get the chance to slow down a bit, I stop and think about all the things I miss back home.

I miss seeing my family every day. I love my family. I miss my parents. I miss my brothers.I'm sad that I'm probably going to miss the birth of Eric's baby. I'm sad that I don't get to help Brandy plan her wedding or be there when it takes place. I'm sad that I won't get to go to Thanksgiving Dinner where half of my family get's together.

I miss going to Life Bridge every Sunday. I love my church family. I miss the Bridge Builders group and the student Ministries. I miss doing Project Valpo. I'm sad that I am missing out on what the church is doing, because I believe so much in the vision of Life Bridge. To empower one more to walk together with Christ.

I miss Bethel College. I miss taking classes and learning. I miss my old classmates. They were some of the most amazing people I knew. I'm sad that I don't have my degree. And it saddens me that God may not have it planned for me to finish my degree.

I don't know where God wants me in this life. I am absolutely clueless as to where He is leading me or what His plans for me are. I don't know if I will ever go back home to Valpo, or if I will ever finish college, or if I will move somewhere else or travel, or if I will marry, or if any of the plans I had before now will ever come to be.

Right now I have no plans. I have no agenda. I don't know where God is taking me. In some ways i'm bothered by the idea that I love and miss might not be a part of my future. I know that whatever God has planned for me, he is wiser than I am and His plans are greater than mine.

I just wish I could get a glimpse of what lies ahead of me.