Layoffs

 There are only a handful of things I've faced in my life that I would say were emotionally traumatizing... and watching 29 of my coworkers get walked out because of layoffs was one of them.  I heard every unspoken thought  in my mind.

"What am I going to do?"

"I just had a baby."

"I just bought a house."

And so on. 

 It was an emotionally heavy night. We all felt it because by the time all was said and done there were only ten of us left on our shift in my department.

I'm thankful that I have high enough seniority that I was able to keep my job.  I am thankful that both of my brothers also still have their jobs in the departments where they work.

We knew the lay offs were coming. They told us several months ago that they were looking to lay off about 100 people in September through out the company. I've been praying that God would put a hedge of protection around my brothers and my jobs.  And I do believe that He did. 

But it was still a rough night.  My heart goes out to all the people who lost their jobs last night.  You might never see this blog post but know that my heart is with you and I'm praying for you. 

Am I dumb?

 Am I dumb? 

Am I too dumb to know that I'm dumb?   

Am I the kind of dumb that people go "oh bless her heart"  after I leave?

I don't generally feel that I am particularly unintelligent... that is until I feel that someone has perceived me that way.  Then I question my whole world. 

I am well aware that there is plenty of stuff that I don't know and a lot I don't understand.  I don't know why this particular insecurity runs so deep with me but I just don't want to be dumb.  Maybe I tie my self worth to my intelligence.  Or maybe I feel like there are so many other negative things that people perceive about me that I just don't want there to be another thing to make people dislike me or make fun of me for.... or maybe both. 

I think my feelings today were triggered by a conversation at work. I wasn't actively involved in the conversation, but I've given my thoughts on it a time or two. The conversation was centered around why the girls in and close by my cell don't like the second shift supervisor.  For me the answer is that he talks down to women... like we are dumb.  I guess I figured this was common to the place where I work because I have heard other women make the same complaint... but I guess it's not.   Every one of the girls involved in the conversation said the supervisor doesn't talk to them that way.  I guess it made me wonder why I was the only girl around who felt that the supervisor talked to me like I was stupid and it made me wonder why.  It made me question if I actually am stupid and just don't know it. 

I'm sure these feelings will pass... but for now I'm left to wonder. 

How I almost accidentally just killed myself with a candle

So almost a year ago I purchased the movie War Room. It was something I've wanted to see when it first came out, but it came out shortly after my ex dumped me, and I had heard there was something about infidelity in it and I just couldn't bring myself to watch it.   It probably would have been good for me to watch it anyway, but you know how those things go. 

Well, I finally watched it in December with my sister in law, Victoria.  And I was, of course, inspired.  I have a small walk in closet, I thought this would be great to turn into my own "war room" of sorts.  So I started that process almost 2 months ago. It's just big enough to put a bean bag chair in, and I'd like to get a small book shelf for my bible and supplies.   My war room isn't as used as I would like it to be, but I'm slowing working my way towards that.   I live by myself, so it's like, who's going to bother me?  But it's nice that it's a private place.

So anyway, I went into my war room tonight and I spent some time praying and then I started reading my bible.  I should probably mention that prior to going into my room for my god time, I lit a candle and put it in my closet. Mostly to combat any smell my dirty clothes might emit. LOL

So it didn't take long for me being in there to start feeling tired. I thought it was weird that I was struggling to keep my eyes open.  After I finally finished reading the passage I leaned back and closed my eyes hoping maybe a cat nap might refresh me.   But I looked at my phone.  11:59pm, It was way too early for me to feel this kind of tired.  And my heart was racing.  For the love of God, why was my heart racing?   And I was getting a bit of a dull headache in my forehead.

In my groggy state, I looked over at my wonderfully scented candle....

Then I blew it out and flung the door to my closet open. 

It only took a few minutes for the sleepiness to go away and for my heart to stop racing.   I still have a bit of a dull headache though.  Mostly just pressure, though, not pain.  But I'm sitting in my living room with my ceiling fan circulating air, and no candles burning.

I chastise myself for not thinking about the consequences of lighting a candle in a 5x5 room with no circulation and closing the door.  I won't be doing that again.

And thank God for not letting me fall asleep.  That candle would have continued to burn for 8 hours.  And who knows how much CO and CO2 would have been produced.

Anyway, mistakes made, lessons learned,  and I am still alive and that is all I can hope for.

Real Talk

So, I guess you're about to get "Real Talk" from me.   What I mean by that is what is on my mind is not something I go around readily sharing with others.

Today I went with my friends Christine and Jen to the Ice shelf Brew Fest in Michigan City. We were going to meet at Christine's house and then carpool.  We were supposed to meet at 12:30.  There should easily have been enough time, even with me going to bed at the usual late bedtime I keep... or even a bit later, to sleep and wake up in time to get myself dressed and drive to Christine's house without being late.

But I was late.  About 15 minutes late.   I had woken up about 9am because I had to use the bathroom. I replied to the text that we would meet about 12:30, and then I laid back down and went back to sleep, setting my alarm to get me up at 11:30.  I felt exhausted.   Well, of course 11:30 rolls around and I snooze my alarm...  3 times in total before I turn it off and lay in bed with my eyes closed for.... honestly I'm not even sure how long... begging God to help me get up. I actually do that a lot-- beg God to help me to wake up and get up.  I got up eventually... but It was about 12:15 before I left. I ran out the door without brushing my teeth, washing my face, or anything. I just put on clothes and left.

You know, I had a really good time with my friends and being with them did a lot to distract me from the way I was feeling about myself by that time, which was simply not good.   But when I stood alone for more than a few minutes, unable to occupy my time with the impromptu scavenger hunt I started with the people in costume (lol) my mind would start to wander.  Today I felt undesirable.

It's fairly obvious that my lack of hygienic routine prior to leaving played a huge role in that.   But I was walking around with a new breakout of  red painful acne (not the blackheads that I'm dealing with since cross training in metal cell) --that seemed to coincide with my purchase of a new impurity cleansing face wash that I am trying to use to get rid of the blackheads.

In addition to the acne, I have a rather painful, dry and cracking scab on my upper lip and lip line from a cold sore that started developing on Monday.  It's very obvious and rather embarrassing.  I hear a lot of people get cold sores, but I feel like I never see anyone dealing with them... Anyway, I have been using Triple Antibiotic ointment and medicated chapstick to heal my lips and the sore.  so when It wasn't feeling dry and cracked, then the scab was falling off and it felt like it was bleeding (or blistering, but then it just scabbed over again).

Then there was the 5 inch rip in my pants under the pocket, but I didn't have anything else clean to wear because I'm low on clothes and the pants I purchased in the fall are either really low quality (hence the ripping) or they no longer fit me. :-(

Speaking of no longer fitting.  I'm at the highest weight I've ever been at and that depresses me.  Especially after I worked so hard to lose the weight that first time.  It's like I was just assaulted by life circumstances and my way of dealing was to emotional eat, so I gained all my lost weight back and then a few extra... So that was another thing adding to it.

Ugh. Okay, so the point is that I felt like I was walking around looking huge, slobby, dirty and contagious... and it just didn't feel good.

As I people watched, I looked into the faces of some of the people there.  I look at the faces of some of the men... some attractive, mature looking men, and wonder  if they would ever give me a second look or if God would ever position one of them someday to be my husband.  I would look into the faces of the women, beautifully manicured, flawless makeup, hair, nails; bright smiles, straight, white teeth; fashionable dress, clean looking--- and I would wonder why I couldn't be like them.

I mean, where do people even find the energy and resources to get "dolled up".

I know I walk around most of the time, probably appearing like I don't really care about how I look, and on some level that is true because I will choose comfort over style in a lot of cases, but the real truth is that I do care deeply about how I look. I would love to do my make up and hair and dress nice, but i'm often left wondering how women find the time, energy, and resources for it.  For some reason I just can't find it in me to make the effort.Which is weird because I used to in high school...everyday, every morning (up until a boy I had a crush on painted his hand and then said his hand looked like my face) but now... I just... cant.

But gosh... it doesn't even stop there.... with so much in my life.  My looks, my weight, being places on time, simple things to help me manage my money, cleaning my apartment...

Is this really the effect of depression? Or am I just lazy?

I know what I have to do to fix my life... but gosh... how do I get out of the funk?

Sometimes depression looks like calling off work to sleep. Then staying in bed all day, getting up only to comfort eat and use the bathroom... and finally sitting in the bathtub feeling sad for no apparent reason eating Oatmeal cream pies until you feel ill from the sugar.

Sometimes depression has no rhyme or reason. You cant just get over it and you cant "will power" your way through it. 

Sometimes you just have to ride through it.