Jesus doesn't hug me...

Sometimes I think I have a sad existence. I've been really lonely all summer and I feel like I've reached the point that it's at its worst. I feel like my friends have all forgotten me. I try to be such a good friend. I call them, leave messages for them on facebook, write them letters, pray for them...and I'm lucky if one of them calls me back or replies to my messages and letters. If they can't even bring themselves to respond to my efforts, I sincerely doubt that they're praying for me. And I'm not talking about my casual friends.. These are the people I would call my best friends. Sad, huh?
For once I would like one of my friends to call me out of the blue and ask how I'm doing. For once I would like my friends to remember me without me having to promt them first, But I guess for that to happen, they would first have to respond to me when I try to contact them. It's easy to have friends during the school year, but when summer comes, everyone is concerned with their own. I may as well accept right now that the people I get to know in college will slowly drift away... just like they did in high school, and throught out my life the friends that I have will only be my friends for the moment. Then *POOF* the moment's gone... and I am reduced to this... loneliness, wondering why I wasn't good enough to remember.

Why?

Amanda

Wow, what a week!

Well, I've had quite a week this week. Last Friday was my last day running a booth at the fair and I'm pretty sure that the day was excellent. We finally didn't run out of prizes. Infact, we actually had to start just handing them out to people as they passed by. I suppose my system worked really well. Thanks be to Jesus.
Josh was being ornery (that doesn't look like it's spelled right) on Friday. He was doing the trolley work and I gave him his tshirt because Tammy had told me that she wanted to get as much use out of the t-shirt as she possibly could for the rest of the fair. Well, when Josh left without the shirt, I thought maybe he had forgotten it. So the next time the trolley came around I had Pete's son, whose name is also Josh but I am going to refer to him as Joshie for journaling sake, take Josh the t-shirt and have him tell Josh that Tammy wanted us to wear them today. So Joshie did and came back and when the trolley began to roll away again Josh not only refused to wear his t-shirt, but he decided to basically take glory in the fact that he was being rebellious. So I played along with the game and kept bugging him, through messages from other people, to put on his lifebridge shirt. And I told others to give him a hard time. It was quite fun. He makes me smile. :-)
Angi was supposed to come help out at the fair on Friday and she never showed up. I just figured she wasn't able to get a ride there, and didn't worry about it. Today I found out that she's a bit epileptic and had a seisure on Friday. Poor girl. I'm glad she's okay. I really like Angi a lot.
Yesterday I recieved a God-kiss. For those of you who don't know what a God-kiss is, it's when God does something for you or gives you something you want without you asking for him to and not because you were obedient so anything specific, but just because he loves you and is romancing your heart. Anyway. All week I have been telling my brothers to win me a fish at the fair, and neither of them would because they claim they suck at the game. So I thought, well, i'll win myself a fish because I've never failed to get one yet, but I didn't have the money and I didn't want to ask my brothers to give me any money, so I conceded that I would just not win a fish this year and well, that's life, it's not a big deal. Well, anyway, yesterday Eric and Emily (my younger brother and his girlfriend) came home and handed me a bag of fish. I was like "aw, you won me a fish!" and Eric said he hadn't, but that when he and Emily had come back to Emily's car there was a coupon for a fish on her windshield. (the game gives out coupons so when people win a fish they can just come and get it later instead of carrying it around all day.) So they took the coupon and went back into the fair grounds and grabbed me a fish. Yay. I haven't decided on a name yet, but I'm considering him to be Sir Poopalot the second. At least my other fish has a friend now.
Amped tonight was the same as usual, but there weren't a lot of people. I, once again, get to ask the students the questions about "what do you think about this quote" and the entire rest of the page. I don't mind doing it, but I would like a chance to look over what I'm doing before I have to do it, even if I was only given a small heads up of ten minutes where I could look at it, consider it, and think about what it means for myself without being distracted before I have to explain it (i have to explain it a lot, and tonight I was just really off the ball because I needed a lot of help. Thank God I'm not having to help with a small group all by myself)
Anyway, thats the quick jist of everything.

Amanda

Day 2 at the Fair

First of all, the families main computer got a virus and died. So I'm using my brothers computer. The key board is much easier to use because the 'e' key doesn't stick, and both shift keys work. I wish I could just use my own computer. I have a laptop, so it would be convenient to be able to take it anywhere in the house that I wish, but sadly I can't use it for two reasons. First, it's plug broke... second it only takes wireless internet access so I can't even hook it up to the internet here anyway. I'll be able to use it when I go back to Bethel... that is once my dad fixes my wire for me, but until then, Im just glad my brother is nice enough to allow me to use his computer.
Anyway...
Well, day two at the fair wasn't actually a bad day. I showed up a few minutes late, but things like that happen sometimes. I guess it sort of offsets me showing up an hour early the first day, haha. Other people were already there working, and they made my job so incredibly easy. It was almost ridiculous, but really, it was great! So I just counted out the blue and green bottomed suckers and calculated how many we could put out each hour. I had help all day, except for two hours out of the day. It was then, go figure, at the beginning of those two hours that I had to use the bathroom. Truly, my life is a comedy; but I wouldn't have it any other way.
One of the people who had volunteered, Sarah, asked me who my dad was, so I told her and she was like, "I thought so" It turns out that she knew my parents. Cool. We also got to talk about about Life Bridge and she asked me why I wasn't on the worship team. I said that I figured that if anyone wanted me on the team they would invite me. She considers asking why I'm not to be an invitation. Then she said I was hiding my light under a bowl. Ouch. I don't know if I'm going to try to get on the team, but she gave me a stab of conviction.
Later in the day we started running out of glowsticks. Again. I seriously need to calculate how many glowsticks to give away per hour because I'm not liking this problem. We also discovered that we had way too many suckers for the water bottle prize and not nearly enough waterbottles. I don't understand what I am doing wrong. Toward the later hours of the evening, a person who was not on my list to volunteer came in. He was the guy that helps Josh out at Amped and he did a great job making me feel like a horrible person. When he realized we were running out of prizes he got angry. I tried to tell him that we only had like 5 beanie baby/coloring books suckers and like 22 water bottle suckers and he basically called me a liar saying that no, I'm supposed to get a certain number of suckers for each prize for the day. Then he accused us all of giving away the wrong prizes, ran to the store, and bought more water bottles. When he came back I felt like he was monitering the place as though he expected things wouldn't run fine without him there.
Later I made the comment that I was really tired and he said, 'Then go home', and I told him that I needed to stay and close up the tent when we were done, he said he would do it, so I let him and I went home an hour early. The last hour or so at the Fair wasn't as much fun as the first 9 hours. Everyone had their days though. I just have to remember to extend him grace for those moments and not be fearful or bitter towards him. I'm still looking forward to Friday, though. I have one more chance for everything to go smoothly. And Christine might come visit me.
Yep.

Amanda

Update Anyway

I know in my last entry, I said I wouldn't write if there was Amped tonight, but I got home soon enough that I am able to get onlin and do a short update.

Mostly I was inspired to write because I finished reading Battle Cry For A Generation and I was really inspired by it. I don't think I've felt so passionately desparate for youth in a really really long time. I brought my copy to Amped and I told Josh if he wanted to read it I would lend him my copy. He took it. I'm really glad that he's going to read it.

You know... it was actually kind of humbling to read that book because I realized that there really is more I can do to help Josh, and the reason I don't feel like I'm really there helping is because I act more like a student than someone trying to volunteer to help out. I also feel bad now for being annoyed with him the other day. So anyway, I asked Josh a couple of questions.
I asked him why he got involved in youth ministry.
I asked him what kind of support he gets from: Pete, the church body, parents, and college age students.
I don't think I asked him what kind of support he would like from them.. oh well. I asked what kind financial support was available to him, what he would do if he had no supportive or financial restrictions, how I can pray for him, and how I can serve him better.

I think he was really honest with me, and I really appreciated that more than I can express. I also got to see a little bit into his heart and now my heart cries and bleeds for the youth and childrens ministries at LifeBridge.
One of the things that Josh told me when I asked about finances is that he has no funding for his minstry and the stuff he's brought into it he payed for out of his own pocket. I just can't believe that! That is something that I would really like to do something about. I wish I could give him funding of some sort for the two ministries, but I'm not in any financial situation where I can. I think that's one of the things I will pray about.
I firmly believe that Josh could do some really amazing things if he had a few more resources.

Well, I didn't want this to be too long of an update, so I'm signing off for now.

Amanda

I was looking for Harry Potter spoilers. I will give none away, but the ones I've found so far from the supposed unreleased copy were far more exciting than the other possible spoilers I found. I still need to read the sixth book, but from what I gathered, as much as Harry Potter fans don't want him to, I think it makes the most sense that he would die in the end, specifically that he and Voldemort kill eachother in the 'final battle'. But that's just my opinion. I'm eager to read whatever Rowling decided to do with Harry.

Anyway, yesterday I had my first day running the booth at the fair, and I know that God had to have been with me through out that entire thing. Heres why:
First of all, my dad thought there was going to be a lot of traffic going in and out, so we left early and I ended up getting there and hour early. No big deal, I helped Tammy set up and she showed me everything I needed to do. During the day I was alone for a little while then Roy, (my families landlord who goes to the church, too) showed up and... well, he's an old man, and I did not enjoy his company. He kept giving away the big prizes without people having pulled a prize winning sucker. Glowsticks were fine to give away, but he was ridiculous giving away the beanie babies and coloring books. Aside from that he kept making sexual and lewd comments about people walking by, and he actually grabbed a young girl by the wrist. I think he was scaring people. I prayed that God would make him leave
.For a little while, while he was there, the person who had signed up to be there for a three hour time slot showed up, but then only stayed for one hour. I spent some time explaining to her what we were doing and where things were and the rest of the time she talked on her cell phone. Then she left to go get a drink and came back with a lemonade for me and then left. Pete's wife Traci also came by during that time and asked how things were going, so I told her about Roy giving away the prizes, but that was all I told her. I still may tell her what else he was doing. So Traci gave me her cell number and then had to go back to her daughters dog show.
After Roy finally left I was all by myself, since the other person who was supposed to be there stayed only an hour. The two people who were supposed to show up at 2pm never did.
At five BL and Bobby showed up, so I showed them were everything was, told them what to do and made a quick trip to the bathroom. Tabby didn't show up until much later. Becca came by when she could. And Josh also stopped by to see how things were going before he worked the trolley. Before I knew it, 4 teens turned into 8 really hyper teens who weren't really being very helpful, except for BL. I had to keep getting on their cases about keeping the table clean and trash picked up and maintaining the image LifeBridge was trying to get across. They were just too hyper.
When Josh came back after working the trolley, he wasn't very helpful in keeping the teens in control, and he left to go home before too much time had passed, which was okay because he hadn't been signed up to help, so I didn't expect him to come at all. He left his phone number with me so I could call if I needed anything. I opted not to call, I already feel like just another kid in his youth group, I don't want Josh to think I can't handle anything or that I need him in anyway.
At, I think it was 8:30 (at night) , I finally went to eat for the first time that day, but I brought my food back to the tent because I felt like I had to continually supervise everything that was going on. Then there was a problem with us running out of glowsticks too quickly. I called Tammy and she stopped by and I talked with her about what was going on and she asked if Josh had been helpful when he stopped by. I told her that he did well at drawing people in and she asked about him controlling the teens and then I was like no, not really. So she said next year they would have to have another, separate training session for the volunteers who are helping in the booth but aren't booth leaders. Then she went and talked with the teens and they settled down a little and were a bit more enjoyable to have around, and a bit more helpful, but at 10pm I was still ready for them to leave so I could start shutting everything down. I started closing up the tent at 10pm, I asked BL to help since he was tall, and the most helpful.
By 11 everyone had finally left, I had cleaned up, put everything in the tent, hid the prizes so if anyone got in the tent they wouldn't see them, and left. I called Eric and Emily so we could go home, but then we walked around the fair for another 40 mintues. By the time I got home it was almost midnight. I spent almost 13 hours at the fair.
And when I got home, yesterday had seemed like a fairly good day. See why I say God had to have been with me? Looking back I'm surprised that I kept my cool.

But I suppose I can't tell about all that bad without mentioning the good.
Well, BL *was* helpful, and it was nice to not be alone.
Angi, a woman at church who I suspect has a partial mental handicap showed up to help for a few hours and I got to talk with her and learn some nice things about her. She's a wonderful person.
I got the opportunity to talk with some people about LifeBridge and they might show up. I don't expect them to, but it would be exciting to see them this sunday.
My brother Eric also came by the booth and gave me $20 for the next few days that I was there.

Well, thats all for the time being. I'll probably update on Monday, or Sunday if they're not having Amped.

Amanda

I found this,I liked it.

Oh, God, do You think I'm beautiful?

No one else has been able..so is it You? Are You the One who longs for me--the One who can fill this desire to be known? There is so much more inside of me, a great well of passion and dreams. A place I never let myself go. Is it safe to trust You with the rest of my heart? What will You do with me if I show You everything? Every desire? Every longing? Every doubt? Every weakness? If I am exposed before You, will You still love me? If Your forgiveness truly irreversible? Is Your grace really free? Will You hold me and care for me in the dark? Will you take me back?Oh, God, hold me, please hold me and tell me that You love me.

Tell me that I am desirable.
Tell me that You'll fight for me.
Tell me that I am beautiful.

My lovely daughter,Your desire has served its purpose; you have finally brought your true heart to me. Are you tired of the weight of pretending? Are you tired of hoping that someone else could fill the place that was meant for Me? I see you, all of you, and you do not have to hide anymore. I see your sin and I see your flaws, and I still desire you as My own. I am crazy about you. I am the answer of your longing. The "more" that your heart waits for is Me.Yes, dear one, yes, you are incredibly beautiful to Me.

Psalm 45:11
The King is enthralled by your beauty...

Meeting Saturday, Church Sunday

Saturday
Well, I've been spending a lot of my time at church this week. I went to the church on Saturday for training to be a booth leader at the Porter County Fair. It went over time but it was good to hear what they had to say. Basically we just looked at how to set up the projector, info about the sucker pull and what prizes will be given away depending on which sucker is pulled, how the tent will be set up, where we will give away drinks, cues for watching for body language, how to make our body language show that we are approachable, LifeBridge's vision for the fair, what handouts we will have... That seems like a lot of stuff doesn't it? It really wasn't though.
After the meeting I stuck around and played with some of the kids, then I helped clean up and set up for church on Sunday. Around noon time Josh showed up, and after I was finished wiping tables down, I went to talk to him for a few minutes before I went home.

Sunday
Sundays have been long days for me for the past few weeks. This Sunday was no exception. I went to church, stayed for the class, stayed for the drama planning meeting and stayed for Amped (youth group) and went home. I really like my Sundays being so full though, because I really don't have anything else that occupies my time. I could do without the drama meetings though. It seems like if the ideas aren't funny then they don't want to use them. Besides, I can never think of any ideas that fit the perameters that Pete gave us anyway. I think I'm going to quit the drama planning team.
This Sunday was my last Sunday for "Continuing my Walk" class. That was a really good class, and I loved how Pete had only put scriptures into the packet he gave us. It was funny how they had said these classes are to teach me things that a college class wouldn't cover because the main point of the class was something Bethel has been teaching already, especially in Dendiu's classes. I don't think there was anything said that was particularly new to me, but I did think seriously about some of the things Pete was teaching on. It was also an amazing thing because now I feel better about what I believe about certain things that a lot of people believe, but I was hesitant about because it went against popular belief. We made conversation and talked about those things. Pete said one thing during our conversation that I really loved, it was that the goal of LifeBridge is unity and that as followers of Christ we can disagree on minor issues, or maybe they're major issues to the person, but it doesn't matter because it doesn't, or shouldn't, affect them so that they can't stand next to one another at the same church and worship the same God. I would recommend the class, even if you've heard everything before.
I don't really have anything new to say about drama team so I'll just tell you about Amped then. Right After church Josh and I talked about what the topic of Amped would be before he went home, so I was prepared for the topic, but I wasn't prepared for everything that happened that night.
Another helper gave the message and Josh had the youth separate into their small groups. There were two groups and then Josh and all of us helpers separated to each group. I was with the two other female helpers (both at least ten years older than myself... I'm the youngest helper) and we led the small group that had mostly middle school girls. That group is a great group! The other women were leading our group mostly, and I was okay with that, but for the last section they let me lead and it just so happened that during that last portion of small group that we hit a topic that made one of the girls cry. I can't go into details about small group for privacy reasons. After Amped I chatted with Josh and talked with him about the small group and the fair. He's going to get back to me with contact numbers for the people I recruited.
Josh asked me if I was at Bethel to get my MRS and when I told him that I thought it was stupid to pay about $25000 a year to go to a school where the guy to girl ratio is 1:3 and hope that I'm going to get my MRS, he laughed. Then I told him that if I wanted to find a husband I would just take a class at seminary because the guys are desparate and they love Jesus. He thought that was pretty funny too and told me I need to tell Pete.
I finally got home at 9pm and made myself a grilled cheese sandwhich, cut myself a generous portion of cheesecake and grabbed an orange soda. It was the best dinner ever.
Sleep came quickly.

Until next time, God Bless.
Amanda

Another day for the fair

I went to church last night and I talked with Tammy and added another day to be at the fair. It's going to be great. Then I talked with Josh about what role I'm playing in all of this because I was still a little confused about what I was going to be doing since I was told I would be working with him. I wondered after I signed up to be a booth leader why Tammy contacted Josh about me until I realized that everyone seems to think I am a part of the youth rather than an adult volunteer, hehe!
This Saturday I have training to be a booth leader and then Sunday I get to put my persuasive powers to use to get the students from Amped to sign up for time slots. Sunday morning I will have to recruit by myself because Josh takes care of the young kids during the service. I wonder if I should go to both services. I'll be glad to get some help recruiting later during Amped because the students don't know me as well as they know Josh so I don't know how it will go for me trying to recruit students to sign up for time slots. I'm just slightly....I don't want to say anxious, but that's probably the right word. Anyway, I'm going to recruit God's help for this.

Amanda

Update on me

Well, first off, I'm making this blog as a way of communicating what's going on in my life without having to type repeated emails and notes to all my friends.
I am unemployed. No one wants to hire someone who will just be here for the summer. Yeah. They're bums.
Incase you didn't know, I have found a new church to attend, LifeBridge Christain Church. I found the church while still at Bethel using google earth and then I looked it up at it's website online, www.imaginelifedifferently.com. It sounded like an amazing church, my only fear was that the teaching would be watered down. I visited the church in May and I loved it. The teaching is very much "spiritual milk", but no, it is not watered down. I found a lot of opportunities to serve in the church, and once I was sure this church was where God wanted me this summer, I volunteered to help out with the youth group. The youth minister, Josh (who is both young and attractive and I want to set Stephanie Joy up with him), was glad to allow me to help, but as a precaution, I am required to take a few classes at LifeBridge before I am allowed to teach or anything. There is a Scripture in the book of Matthew that says anyone who leads a little child astray may as well tie a millstone around his neck and throw himself in the river, so they require us to take these classes, Finding my fit, Kickstarting my walk, Continuing my Walk, and one other class that they have not explained much to me but it's supposed to be a class that people have to go through before they can becomes deacons. So for the past few weeks Ive been taking the required classes. This Sunday will be my last day for the 'continuing my walk' class.
'Finding my fit' was focused on discovering our spiritual gifts and how God has wired us to serve him. It was pretty much an amazing class that altered the course of my life. The drama team has recruited me since then, and Ive also had the opportunity to serve dinner to the hilltop community in my town.
I've been going to youth group, though I have not done any sort of teaching or leading or anything. I just get to hang out with the teens. I really love the teens that are there. They are a blast to be around. Right now only about ten teens show up during the summer, but the group that is there is an amazing group. And they are the strangest group of students I've ever known. Just last Sunday one of the guys was saying that girls always smell good. Then he leaned over and smelled me. You have to smile at that. Allso this past Sunday Josh started putting together small groups and asked me if I would like to take part in one. I think I will.
In less than two weeks the Porter County Fair will take place and I inquired about helping out. I never knew that in the past few years (LifeBridge is a relatively young church) that the church I attend was responsible for the Booths that gave away free water at the Fair and ran the trolleys and stuff. Well, I have volunteered to work at the LifeBridge booth, but not just working at it, I will be a booth leader for two days, and maybe another one if I don't get burned out from the day that will be a 12 hour day. From what I understand, the woman I talked to, Tammy, who scheduled my day, had talked with Josh and he had good things to say about me, so Josh and I will be working together and recruiting the youth group to help out. I'll get more information from Josh on either Wednesday or Sunday.
Also, I may have employment for 8 to 10 days working with the fair guiding people to parking spaces.

Well, thats all for update now look for future updates in a few days or next week.

Amanda