Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for...

No. Actually, I do not long for or desire brokenness. I don't want my heart to ache. I do not want the pain... but I do realize that it is an important part of Christian growth. It's so easy to get stuck in your own ideals that sometimes the best, most effective way for God to get through to us is brokenness. This is my life. It is so easy for me to offer my life up to God and then try to take control of it, to want to know every single detail, to be satisfied where I am spiritually, to put off the hard stuff off, to be lazy, to seek my own will above Gods. Yes, I am so human, I have programed it into myself to do what opposes God, and I live in a state of brokenness for it. And I hate what I've become.
A few weeks ago I was listening to the radio (WFRN) and there was a message, It might have been from Chuck Swindoll (sp?), but I'm not sure. Anyway, the person was talking about Jacob. His name meant deciever, and for the first part of his life, it defined him quite accurately. But later, Jacob wrestled with God, he struggled, he fought, but he overcame. that's a weird thought for me, I often wonder if I read it correctly. But Jacob wrestled with God and with man and he overcame. As a result of this, God redefined Jacob. He gave him a new identity. Jacob was no longer Jacob the deciever, he was Israel, Father of the nations.
It struck me. I have always defined myself. I believe that our names are important part of who we are, which is one of the reasons I despise being called by any nicknames. I've always liked my name because it means "worthy of love", and so I tried and struggled and fought to be worthy of love. I still hope that I am, but there is one thing about the definition of my name... Worthy of love. Sure, even if I really am worthy of love, that doesn't mean that I have it, or that it will come to me... It only means that I am worthy of it.
But how I define myself goes beyond just my name. I just wanted to follow the Biblical example of Jacob. Anyway, I also define myself in other ways. I define myself by what I do, what I'm good at, who I hang around, who my family is... it could go on. I want God to redefine me. I want him to show me who I really am. When God redefined Jacob, it changed his life, and the course of an entire nation. God could do the same for me.

Amanda

Well, here I am

Well, I am here. It was a bit of a rough ride to get here though. We left before 10am and didn't get here until about 4pm. My dad checked everything out on the van to make sure everything would run smoothly and get us there and back without leaving us stranded. Everything checked out okay, but one part looked burnt up so my parents used our emergency credit card (since we are virtually broke right now) and bought the part and replaced it. Then we went on our way. The van was working really great, better than it had been before we replaced the part until we got about half way to Bethel, then it just pooped out. We pulled over a few times so dad could check things out and try a few different things to see if the van would do better. At one point we pulled into the parking lot of a church and I joked to my dad that we should get people in the church to lay hands on our van and pray for it. We were there for a few minutes and my mom went in to the church to use the restroom. She told the people inside that we were going to drop me off at college and our van just broke down, so when my mom came back out, two ladies did too. Then, ironically, they laid their hands on the van and prayed for it. I was really amused by it. :-) And then they prayed for me, and one of the ladies percieved in her Spirit that I was supposed to work with Youth. So that was this major confirmation on my decision to change my major to Youth Ministry!
So my family and I climbed back into our van and left, the vehicle still didn't work properly, however, it did work, which was a major plus. The van wouldn't go more than 40 miles an hour. We would climb the hills at 5 miles an hour and top out going down hill at 40 miles an hour. Then there was a lot of clanking noise and the smell of something burning, so we pulled over in this rest stop and my dad was checking things out and we finally decided to call my Aunt to come and get me and my mom and take me up to Bethel while my dad stayed with the van to see if he could find the problem. Around 4pm we finally arrived and got me all moved in. By this time I was pretty stressed, and not in the best mood.
Not too long after my mom and aunt left I went out to dinner with Christine and Doug. Came back, then spent the rest of the day with my new roommate, Sonia. By the way, Sonia is awesome! Finally at 12:30 last night I went to bed, slept wonderfully, but woke up at 7:30 so I got up and went to breakfast, then spend the day running errands.
I was able to change my classes, but I have to get permission from the instructor to get into one of them. I also bought my books, had telecounseling training, went to Sufficient Grounds, had breakfast with some friends (not in that order, haha) and it's been a pretty productive day. KatyJoy moved in today, so now I have two roommates and I adore them both!
My room is huge!!!!!! I am not kidding or exagerating in the least bit. This house is so big! Maybe I'll add pictures later if I can get my camera to work for me again.
Well. I need to get to bed so this is goodnight.
Amanda

Returning to Bethel... tomorrow

Well, I have to admit that these past two weeks have just flown by. I was so afraid that they would go unbearably slow... actually I don't know if I'm really ready to go back. I mean I know I am, but I'm not sure that parts of me are ready. Know what I mean?
Last night was such a special night for me. It was my last night at Amped for a little while. During Amped Josh gave me a card that everyone had signed (or tried to, apparently I kept coming around when some of the people were trying to sign it). It was a good surprise. I probably got 3 or 4 hugs from each person. BL (the guy who sniffed me earlier in the year) gave me a hug and hung on telling me not to leave. He cracks me up. He is... eccentric? I don't know. I love all of the students at Amped. Some of them have become really good friends of mine. After Amped ended a bunch of us walked over to Pat's IceCream Parlor, and Josh treated me to ice cream. Needless to say, I got a huge ego boost last night. My heart wanted to cry with joy when I got home.
I've spent the good part of this morning trying to simplify my packing. I don't want to bring a whole bunch of stuff, but it seems like my stuff just keeps piling up. So I finally decided to take a break and check my email and facebook, and blog a little. I got an email back from Dr. Linhart. It's totally possible to do the Youth Ministry degree!!!! They'll work through any problems that might arise from the Saturday Seminars. (and only five are needed, instead of 7, when I take the new catalog, yeah!) Guess what world! I'm changing my major! I am thrilled. Josh also told me to let him know if my school has me do internships, and I assured him that they do, and I need one.
Anyway, that's everything important for the time being.
Love
Amanda

I'm feeling this song tonight

"Stand"

You feel like a candle in a hurricane

Just like a picture with a broken frame

Alone and helpless

Like you've lost your fight

But you'll be alright,

you'll be alright

[Chorus:]

Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend, till you break

Cause its all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad you get strong

Wipe your hands shake it off

Then you Stand,

Then you stand

Life's like a novel

With the end ripped out

The edge of a canyon

With only one way down

Take what you're given before its gone

Start holding on, keep holding on

[Repeat Chorus]

Everytime you get up

And get back in the race

One more small piece of you

Starts to fall into place

Oh

update

Well, I'm watching high school musical with my brother. From the way he talks about it, it sounds like its a good movie. I had figured it would be something that only adolescent girls would enjoy watching, but apparently he thinks it's good, so I'll watch it.
My aunt came back from visiting missouri and dropped off some clothes from my grandma and I got some great new clothes. I'm excited to be able to wear them. They'll probably be best for winter but they look so good, it's nice to own nice clothes.
6 more days until I go back to Bethel. I can't wait. I've been thinking it through. If I go through with changing my major, it will be youth ministry with a minor in communications. I'm going to be emailing Dr. Linhart soon to talk with him about some of my concerns, and we'll see what happens from there.
This Sunday will be my last Sunday at LifeBridge for a while.
Well, that's all for an update for now. Maybe a longer one later.

Amanda

No power is not a bad thing

Last night there was a viciuos storm that came upon us very suddenly... It took out our electricity. For me it wasn't all that bad. I mean, the tornado sirens were kind of scary, but I actually thought it was kind of exciting.
I thought the weather was nice, but my dad and brothers got overheated, and my mom got a migraine (It was only 70 degrees!). Despite everyone elses misery, I though it was really nice to have the electricity go out. Everyone sat in the same room, we listened to the radio, and we talked as a family. We don't do that very often, and I felt close to them for once.
And the electricity came back on eventually, it was just a small inconvenience.

Today is Rebecca's birthday, and Jessie's Birthday.
12 more days until I go back to Bethel. I've been giving serious consideration to changing my major to Youth Ministry. Ha, yeah, a senior in college and I'm considering changing my major. I suppose the thing is that I have been hiding from this major since before I started college. Yeah, I know, that needs explanation, huh? Well, when I was a senior in high school, and thinking about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, I felt very strongly that I wanted to work with youth. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to find a job, so I thought maybe I would just minor in youth ministry, and get a professional degree in something else. So I chose English, with a minor in Youth Ministry. Right before I was supposed to come to Bethel, I decided to go undecided. After the first semester I felt another tug to full time ministry, but I was scared. Really scared. What kind of job can I get as a female in ministry? I went to the carreer office and took one of the carreer tests and my highest marks, by quite a few, were in the feild of ministry. I thought, okay, I'll declare a major in ministry. I was still passionate about youth, but I wanted to keep the major pretty broad, just to leave my options a little more open. So I did. Sophomore year passes, junior year passes. It must have been a hundred plus times I've thought about changing to youth ministry, of looking at the classes I would need and reading through their descriptions, wondering if I could do it, desiring to do it, but always deciding to stay right where I am because I could be wrong, God might not want me to work with youth, so I'm safer answering my call to ministry just by keeping my major broad. Besides, I don't need a degree in Youth Ministry to work with youth anyway, right? During my junior year I decided to just take Foundations of Youth Ministry and ended up deciding to take an extra year at college because I wanted to add a youth ministry minor. Well, this summer I have been working with the Youth Group at LifeBridge Christian Church, and also doing a bit of an independant study, and once again I feel pulled in that direction. Youth. Whatever God has me do in my life, its going to involve youth. I know that. I've always known that, there's never really been any question about it. But like I already said I don't need a degree in Youth Ministry to work with youth professionally, so I may as well just finish out my degree in Christian Ministry. Well, last week I was looking through the list of classes and everything needed to complete the degree and I realized that there are more classes to take than just those required in having a youth min. minor, and I want to take the other classes too. I want the information that they offer, I want the expereince and the training. So then I started looking to see if I could complete the degree in the appropriate time, taking only 5 years like I had already decided I was going to do, and it seems really likely, with the exception of the Saturday Seminars, by the time I graduate I would only have 4 and I would need 7. So, I decided to pray about it. Do I keep studying Christian Ministry, or do I switch majors? I felt peace. Now I'm extremely cautious about this for some reason, and I decided to ask the people who know me well what their opinions were. So far they have all said that I sound like I'm taking the right steps in seeking leading from God, they think youth ministry fits me very well and that if I'm sensing the leading, then I'm probably being too cautious and might be required to take a leap of faith. So now I want to talk with someone in the Youth Ministry department and get their imput. I feel like I am at a critical point. We'll see what happens.

Amanda

LifeBridge

Well, I had a really good day today. Besides not getting a whole lot of sleep, I went to church. Church is always fantastic, I love it. We were supposed to have another class today, a servant leadership class, but everyone else who was planning to attend the class couldn't make it, so Pete cancelled it until next week, so I will be missing the last class because I'm going back to Bethel.
So instead of having the class, I went to the drama writing team meeting and helped plan some great stuff for the time when I won't be here. Sigh... that's why I need Bethel Life to mix with LifeBridge... my life would be perfect. haha.
Anyway, After that meeting I took a little nap on the couch. I wasn't expecting to fall asleep but I woke up when a few of the other leaders and some students showed up. We had a cook out tonight and it was so much fun! Josh talked with the students about how their spiritual life is going, who desires a deeper spiritual life, how they can acheive a deeper life, what's holding them back. It was a short talk despite everything they covered.
I love this group of students. They are so cool. But do lose focus quite easily.
After Josh talked with the students we had the cook out and ate hotdogs. Some of the girls started a burping contest. I wanted to join them, so I drank a mountain dew, But it didn't quite work as I had planned it. I was eating a hotdog as I was drinking the soda, so I never was able to get any burps up, instead I kept burping small burps while I was talking with Josh.
Also, for some reason Josh appears to think I'm sad. Am I presenting myself as sad lately? By the way, the person in this photo is the Life Bridge Youth Minister, Josh.

For the sake of an update

Well, I have almost solved my rubiks cube. I tried to look up how to do it online, but I can't understand those directions. They are too stinkin complicated. But someday I will solve the rubiks, and I will have the pleasure of being able to say that I solved the cube without any help or cheats. But wouldn't that be something if my mind could eventually figure out how to solve the cube, but it couldn't understand the directions? I laugh.
Nineteen days until I return to Bethel. Can't wait. Last night at Focus (Wednesday nights to go deeper at LifeBridge) we had a prayer meeting. The meeting reminded me of Prayer Watch, I miss it.... Well, what I think I really miss is seeing the power of the Holy Spirit working in such a dynamic way. I wonder if Scott is going to be heading up Prayer Watch again this year. I think Thiago is totally done with school now, so I don't think he will be there, but we'll see.
I think Bryce and Kim are working on figuring out how meals are going to work for our SLE Family. I think we will probably be okay just having the ten meal plan, and our community dinners. I suppose everyone could put in some money each month or every two weeks, but I also know that for someone like me, I don't exactly make a lot of money, and some people might not even have jobs, but it will be really hard for us.
Anyway... just for the sake of an update, that's all for now.

Amanda

Not too much going on

Well, my weeks are considerably less busy.... Not that they were terribly busy to begin with. I just have very little going on. I go back to Bethel in 21 days. I can't wait to go back, yet I'm bidding my time to stay here, fearful that it will be gone too soon. I love my family, but they're not the reason I want to stay. Life Bridge has just been an incredible church. This summer I've actually looked forward to going to church, sleeping in does not sound better than going. I am actually motivated to go every Sunday, and I love being at the church. During the school year last year I often skipped church to sleep in, well, in the end I was going to house church pretty consistently, but I still had to make myself get up and go. and that's why I'm bidding my time to stay.
I can't wait to go back to Bethel because I want to see my friends, I want to learn something, I want to participate in SLE, I want to work my jobs that I have lined up, I want to visit chapel, I want to have class with.. :-) ...you know who, etc etc... but also because I'd like to sleep in a room that keeps my dry when it rains at night. When it rains, it quite literally rains inside my room. Last night I discovered that I don't have enough buckets to catch all the rain.
Dad tried to patch my roof, but it just started leaking again. The roof needs to be redone, but we don 't have the money, Besides, if anyone stands on our roof, it might just cave in on them. I'd hate to imagine if for some reason a house inspector had to inspect our house. He'd probably condemn it and then my whole family would be homeless. I hate it when it rains, and I don't get much sleep, but I'm gone most of the year, I'd rather just put up with the rain and leaking for a little while than make a big deal of it to anyone.

I wish I could combine Bethel and Life Bridge, two parts of my life that I love.

Just a quick update

So yesterday, Right out of the blue, Christine called me and asked me if I wanted to go to the beach. So we went swimming last night, after it was dark. I've never been swimming in the light of the moon at the beach, so naturally I had a blast. Then Kym called me this afternoon. My phone died and I had to recharge it, but I really appreciated the phone call. And Stephanie asked for a phone date sometime soon. It is so nice for friendships not to be one-sided!
It's kind of funny. When we are at our lonliest, when it seems like people have stopped caring, it's then that people remember you. I don't know if any of them knew about my last blog, but it's ironic that after two weeks of feeling so low, and after venting a little, suddenly there was a response. Strange how things works out, huh?
I went to the Wednesday night meeting at Church, learned about another connection power ministry. I didn't sign up for it though. I wanted to think on it since I don't have the same computer access that I had before. Then Thursday I went to the worship arts meeting. I just observed, I didn't sing or anything, but I love the way the lifebridge band sounded. Why don't they sound that way on Sunday mornings?

I made some baby booties, mittens, and a hat for Brandy's baby. For those of you who don't know, Brandy is my cousin and one of my best friends, and is expecting her second child, a little girl, at the end of this month. The babies name is going to be October Serenity. It's a unique name no doubt.
Im also still working on making hats for the less fortunate. I have six hats, and three more started. I work on three or projects at one time so I don't get bored. I'm hoping to have 12 to 15 done before i go back to Bethel.

I am beyond ready to go back to Bethel. I'm excited for my new classes, for the new living situation, for my senior year (i won't be graduating just yet) for my jobs, for chapel, for a chance to make things better than they were the previous 3 years (don't get me wrong, I absolutely loved the past three years... expect for the end of last year, that wasn't much fun), for the incoming freshman, for some secret project idea's i've been formulating, for the fall break camping trip if it works out and so much more.

Ah... the fall break camping trip. Christine and I had an idea for a camping trip over fall break.. that is if there is anywhere to camp in October.

Well, that's all the update for now, I need to do some research.

Amanda