Happy June. Maybe a new month will bring better days than May offered us. My mom has been having a lot of health problems lately. It started with her having chest pains last month and she was checked for heart disease, angina, and for having had a heart attack. She went on leave of absense for work, ad She had blood tests, and a stress test and there was nothing to indicate that anything was wrong. There was no scar tissue to suggest she had a heart attack, her test all came back fine. She does not have angina or heart disease. But she wasn't feeling any better so after more tests she was diagnosed as having low Vitamin D. So her doctor took measures to get her vitamin d back up and sent her back to work.
She was there for two hours and passed out. So she went back to the doctor and had more test, and they have diagnosed her as having type 2 diabetes as well as being severely vitamin D deficient. She has tried to return to work a few more times, but has come home after about 2 hours each time because she has been getting so dizzy and sick. She has to take four pills every morning, two in the afternoon, and six in the evening. She gets sick to her stomach everytime. I don't blame her. I could not take 12 pills a day and keep from feeling sick. She has also been very emotional, cries everyday a couple of times a day. It's not like she doesn't have reason, considering everything that she is going through in addition to the struggles we face as a family and in our daily lives.
With everything that is happening, and the stress that she has been facing, I sometimes worry that my mom won't be around much longer.
The family has really been struggling financially latey. We already struggle as it is, but with my mom being unable to work for more than a few hours she has not had a paycheck that she can use. What she did earn wento to cover her health insurance so she doesn't end up with $50,000 in hospital bills and doctors fees. So what we have now is almost half of what we would normally have.
Even though my brothers and I are digging deeper into our pockets to take care of one another, it doesn't do a lot to help. We have all let a bill or two of our own go unpaid for the month so that we can help eachother out and survive. When my parents went shopping for food, they only bought dinner meals, so quite often, dinner will be the only meal we eat. Occasionally, someone will bring something over for us and we will have cereal or ramen noodles, or even pancakes mix for a few days, but we are not strangers to doing without. The sad thing is that this isn't even half of what has been going on at home.
Do you ever feel like something has got to give? Do you every feel like you've hit bottom and just keep going down?
Recently I updated my facebook status with the statement that I felt like I was living week to week and day to day, and that I wanted to live life on purpose, but it is hard to do that when my time is spent trying to simply survive. (and then you get comments from people who think they know what to say, but in reality, they just make you feel worse or make comments that are irrelevant).
I was thinking about that though, how even though there can be moments, long moments that seem to last for a long time, and we dont see hope for the future, but yet there is this innate desire to keep going. Instead of letting ourselves die, we continue to fight for life. Oh, some of us want it all to end, but despite any misery we may be feeling, something in us keeps us going. I find that truly amazing.
