So as my desires warred within me, I texted my roommate and told her I wanted to talk to her face to face. I have not spoken with her yet since she hasn't come home yet, but I have been praying and I gradually started to plan ways to talk to her that addressed each issue in the note she left, in a way that wasn't lashing out at her, but still gave me the sense that I would be receiving justice. But then, I thought about that and how selfish that was that I demand justice and I began to pray that God would release the desire for justice from my heart and teach me to respond with love and compassion.
I was silent for a little while and still desiring justice for myself, when I started thanking God for that little part of me that didn't want to destroy my roommate because I knew that meant that God was working on me and that the Holy Spirit was present in my life. And in the midst of thanking God for all this, the desire for justice left me completely and was replaced with a desire to show Jamie grace and forgiveness. And he filled me with such amazing compassion for her I wanted to weep. The event where Jesus entered a town and wept over it because the people were "harrassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." Ran through my mind.
Even though I have not spoken with her yet, I have full confidence that God has won this battle and I will not destroy my witness with her tonight and that tonight she will know what it is to be loved by God.
With all that said, that was not even the revelation I had, that was only a side event in what has been a very long day for me.
So anyway, as I laid in bed and thought about this and prayed and tried to rest, my mind started relaxing and drifting. I started thinking about marraige (I suppose because one of the thing I kept thinking in my anger was that what I had judged to be in my roommates heart was why relationships come to and end and marriages fall apart.)
So I was thinking about how this is probably going to be what marriage is, learning to love selflessly, and how I imagine that there would be issues and how my beloved and I would need to learn how to live together. I thought about a Guy friend of mine, one that, though I'm not particularly attracted to him right now, I am attracted to his spirit and I would count him a worthy husband. I imagined if the two of us fought and how sick it made me feel to think that I would act unlovingly towards him, but I believe realistically, any man I marry is not going to be perfect and neither will I be and that there will be disagreements and things we have to work at. But I marveled at that idea and the thought popped into my head that the man I marry should be blessed by marrying me and not burdened. If I'm going into a marriage and I'm carrying bad boxes and attitudes, and if I bring strife to the marriage, or excessive uncontrolled debt, or if I'm not willing to be a "help meet", or to do my part to clean, raise children, cook, balance a checkbook, encourage him, support his ministry or whatever.... what it comes down to is that if I'm living selfishly, I become a burden to my husband, and I have no business entering into a covenant relationship with him or anyone else because marriage should honor God.
I am thankful for this time I have now as a single woman. though I haven't enjoyed many of the trials and learning experiences, I am so thankful that he who began a good work in me is continually working to bring it to completion, for my future spouse, if God chooses to bless me that way, and for the love of God he is teaching me to love all people with his heart and what that means. I am truly blessed.
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