So almost a year ago I purchased the movie War Room. It was something I've wanted to see when it first came out, but it came out shortly after my ex dumped me, and I had heard there was something about infidelity in it and I just couldn't bring myself to watch it. It probably would have been good for me to watch it anyway, but you know how those things go.
Well, I finally watched it in December with my sister in law, Victoria. And I was, of course, inspired. I have a small walk in closet, I thought this would be great to turn into my own "war room" of sorts. So I started that process almost 2 months ago. It's just big enough to put a bean bag chair in, and I'd like to get a small book shelf for my bible and supplies. My war room isn't as used as I would like it to be, but I'm slowing working my way towards that. I live by myself, so it's like, who's going to bother me? But it's nice that it's a private place.
So anyway, I went into my war room tonight and I spent some time praying and then I started reading my bible. I should probably mention that prior to going into my room for my god time, I lit a candle and put it in my closet. Mostly to combat any smell my dirty clothes might emit. LOL
So it didn't take long for me being in there to start feeling tired. I thought it was weird that I was struggling to keep my eyes open. After I finally finished reading the passage I leaned back and closed my eyes hoping maybe a cat nap might refresh me. But I looked at my phone. 11:59pm, It was way too early for me to feel this kind of tired. And my heart was racing. For the love of God, why was my heart racing? And I was getting a bit of a dull headache in my forehead.
In my groggy state, I looked over at my wonderfully scented candle....
Then I blew it out and flung the door to my closet open.
It only took a few minutes for the sleepiness to go away and for my heart to stop racing. I still have a bit of a dull headache though. Mostly just pressure, though, not pain. But I'm sitting in my living room with my ceiling fan circulating air, and no candles burning.
I chastise myself for not thinking about the consequences of lighting a candle in a 5x5 room with no circulation and closing the door. I won't be doing that again.
And thank God for not letting me fall asleep. That candle would have continued to burn for 8 hours. And who knows how much CO and CO2 would have been produced.
Anyway, mistakes made, lessons learned, and I am still alive and that is all I can hope for.
Friday, February 22, 2019
Sunday, February 17, 2019
Real Talk
So, I guess you're about to get "Real Talk" from me. What I mean by that is what is on my mind is not something I go around readily sharing with others.
Today I went with my friends Christine and Jen to the Ice shelf Brew Fest in Michigan City. We were going to meet at Christine's house and then carpool. We were supposed to meet at 12:30. There should easily have been enough time, even with me going to bed at the usual late bedtime I keep... or even a bit later, to sleep and wake up in time to get myself dressed and drive to Christine's house without being late.
But I was late. About 15 minutes late. I had woken up about 9am because I had to use the bathroom. I replied to the text that we would meet about 12:30, and then I laid back down and went back to sleep, setting my alarm to get me up at 11:30. I felt exhausted. Well, of course 11:30 rolls around and I snooze my alarm... 3 times in total before I turn it off and lay in bed with my eyes closed for.... honestly I'm not even sure how long... begging God to help me get up. I actually do that a lot-- beg God to help me to wake up and get up. I got up eventually... but It was about 12:15 before I left. I ran out the door without brushing my teeth, washing my face, or anything. I just put on clothes and left.
You know, I had a really good time with my friends and being with them did a lot to distract me from the way I was feeling about myself by that time, which was simply not good. But when I stood alone for more than a few minutes, unable to occupy my time with the impromptu scavenger hunt I started with the people in costume (lol) my mind would start to wander. Today I felt undesirable.
It's fairly obvious that my lack of hygienic routine prior to leaving played a huge role in that. But I was walking around with a new breakout of red painful acne (not the blackheads that I'm dealing with since cross training in metal cell) --that seemed to coincide with my purchase of a new impurity cleansing face wash that I am trying to use to get rid of the blackheads.
In addition to the acne, I have a rather painful, dry and cracking scab on my upper lip and lip line from a cold sore that started developing on Monday. It's very obvious and rather embarrassing. I hear a lot of people get cold sores, but I feel like I never see anyone dealing with them... Anyway, I have been using Triple Antibiotic ointment and medicated chapstick to heal my lips and the sore. so when It wasn't feeling dry and cracked, then the scab was falling off and it felt like it was bleeding (or blistering, but then it just scabbed over again).
Then there was the 5 inch rip in my pants under the pocket, but I didn't have anything else clean to wear because I'm low on clothes and the pants I purchased in the fall are either really low quality (hence the ripping) or they no longer fit me. :-(
Speaking of no longer fitting. I'm at the highest weight I've ever been at and that depresses me. Especially after I worked so hard to lose the weight that first time. It's like I was just assaulted by life circumstances and my way of dealing was to emotional eat, so I gained all my lost weight back and then a few extra... So that was another thing adding to it.
Ugh. Okay, so the point is that I felt like I was walking around looking huge, slobby, dirty and contagious... and it just didn't feel good.
As I people watched, I looked into the faces of some of the people there. I look at the faces of some of the men... some attractive, mature looking men, and wonder if they would ever give me a second look or if God would ever position one of them someday to be my husband. I would look into the faces of the women, beautifully manicured, flawless makeup, hair, nails; bright smiles, straight, white teeth; fashionable dress, clean looking--- and I would wonder why I couldn't be like them.
I mean, where do people even find the energy and resources to get "dolled up".
I know I walk around most of the time, probably appearing like I don't really care about how I look, and on some level that is true because I will choose comfort over style in a lot of cases, but the real truth is that I do care deeply about how I look. I would love to do my make up and hair and dress nice, but i'm often left wondering how women find the time, energy, and resources for it. For some reason I just can't find it in me to make the effort.Which is weird because I used to in high school...everyday, every morning (up until a boy I had a crush on painted his hand and then said his hand looked like my face) but now... I just... cant.
But gosh... it doesn't even stop there.... with so much in my life. My looks, my weight, being places on time, simple things to help me manage my money, cleaning my apartment...
Is this really the effect of depression? Or am I just lazy?
I know what I have to do to fix my life... but gosh... how do I get out of the funk?
Today I went with my friends Christine and Jen to the Ice shelf Brew Fest in Michigan City. We were going to meet at Christine's house and then carpool. We were supposed to meet at 12:30. There should easily have been enough time, even with me going to bed at the usual late bedtime I keep... or even a bit later, to sleep and wake up in time to get myself dressed and drive to Christine's house without being late.
But I was late. About 15 minutes late. I had woken up about 9am because I had to use the bathroom. I replied to the text that we would meet about 12:30, and then I laid back down and went back to sleep, setting my alarm to get me up at 11:30. I felt exhausted. Well, of course 11:30 rolls around and I snooze my alarm... 3 times in total before I turn it off and lay in bed with my eyes closed for.... honestly I'm not even sure how long... begging God to help me get up. I actually do that a lot-- beg God to help me to wake up and get up. I got up eventually... but It was about 12:15 before I left. I ran out the door without brushing my teeth, washing my face, or anything. I just put on clothes and left.
You know, I had a really good time with my friends and being with them did a lot to distract me from the way I was feeling about myself by that time, which was simply not good. But when I stood alone for more than a few minutes, unable to occupy my time with the impromptu scavenger hunt I started with the people in costume (lol) my mind would start to wander. Today I felt undesirable.
It's fairly obvious that my lack of hygienic routine prior to leaving played a huge role in that. But I was walking around with a new breakout of red painful acne (not the blackheads that I'm dealing with since cross training in metal cell) --that seemed to coincide with my purchase of a new impurity cleansing face wash that I am trying to use to get rid of the blackheads.
In addition to the acne, I have a rather painful, dry and cracking scab on my upper lip and lip line from a cold sore that started developing on Monday. It's very obvious and rather embarrassing. I hear a lot of people get cold sores, but I feel like I never see anyone dealing with them... Anyway, I have been using Triple Antibiotic ointment and medicated chapstick to heal my lips and the sore. so when It wasn't feeling dry and cracked, then the scab was falling off and it felt like it was bleeding (or blistering, but then it just scabbed over again).
Then there was the 5 inch rip in my pants under the pocket, but I didn't have anything else clean to wear because I'm low on clothes and the pants I purchased in the fall are either really low quality (hence the ripping) or they no longer fit me. :-(
Speaking of no longer fitting. I'm at the highest weight I've ever been at and that depresses me. Especially after I worked so hard to lose the weight that first time. It's like I was just assaulted by life circumstances and my way of dealing was to emotional eat, so I gained all my lost weight back and then a few extra... So that was another thing adding to it.
Ugh. Okay, so the point is that I felt like I was walking around looking huge, slobby, dirty and contagious... and it just didn't feel good.
As I people watched, I looked into the faces of some of the people there. I look at the faces of some of the men... some attractive, mature looking men, and wonder if they would ever give me a second look or if God would ever position one of them someday to be my husband. I would look into the faces of the women, beautifully manicured, flawless makeup, hair, nails; bright smiles, straight, white teeth; fashionable dress, clean looking--- and I would wonder why I couldn't be like them.
I mean, where do people even find the energy and resources to get "dolled up".
I know I walk around most of the time, probably appearing like I don't really care about how I look, and on some level that is true because I will choose comfort over style in a lot of cases, but the real truth is that I do care deeply about how I look. I would love to do my make up and hair and dress nice, but i'm often left wondering how women find the time, energy, and resources for it. For some reason I just can't find it in me to make the effort.Which is weird because I used to in high school...everyday, every morning (up until a boy I had a crush on painted his hand and then said his hand looked like my face) but now... I just... cant.
But gosh... it doesn't even stop there.... with so much in my life. My looks, my weight, being places on time, simple things to help me manage my money, cleaning my apartment...
Is this really the effect of depression? Or am I just lazy?
I know what I have to do to fix my life... but gosh... how do I get out of the funk?
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
Sometimes depression looks like calling off work to sleep. Then staying in bed all day, getting up only to comfort eat and use the bathroom... and finally sitting in the bathtub feeling sad for no apparent reason eating Oatmeal cream pies until you feel ill from the sugar.
Sometimes depression has no rhyme or reason. You cant just get over it and you cant "will power" your way through it.
Sometimes you just have to ride through it.
Sometimes depression has no rhyme or reason. You cant just get over it and you cant "will power" your way through it.
Sometimes you just have to ride through it.
Thursday, February 7, 2019
Too much in my brain to be Coherent
So lately I have been really trying to dive into a deeper relationship with God. It has not been an easy journey, and I find myself, often, in the crux of pursuing my own ambitions and forgetting God. I think that's one of the reasons I liked how the minister at my church body described what going to church is.
As a short recap he explained that many churches will call their Sunday morning service a worship service, but the reality is that we worship God with our lives. I know a lot of people in my life who dont go to church and say that they can worship God no matter where they are. And they're absolutely right! But seeing this different perspective on church services as something other that "worship" just really spoke to me. He said that we meet to encounter God and it helps to refocus us for the coming week.
Can I just say that I love that! What an absolutely refreshing view on why it is so important to be a part of a church body! We might be able to worship God no matter where we are, but that intentional community with the church body where you encounter God to refocus yourself on Him is just something else entirely. I can not even express how much I love that perspective.
Anyway, outside the point other than to express that I need it.... I need it! Because focusing on God all of the time is not easy. Getting distracted is easy. It is so so easy. And I'm very thankful for the little community I have at Life Bridge.
Ive been doing some reflecting on stuff recently. Im a part of a facebook group that is doing a challenge called Break the Cycle. And so far is has just been so real. It has been affirmation and conviction and learning and I really appreciate what is being taught. I was watching a seminar the other day (I cannot watch live because i'm at work, so I think it might have been Tuesday morning seminar that I watched later, but I cant remember.) Anyway, the message the other day was about Breaking the cycle of money mismanagement, and God knows this is an area where I have been trying very hard to improve myself in. There was something said by one of the speakers that just kind of resonated with me.
I don't remember the exact wording used and I really wish now that I had written it down, because it was really good. but the concept was along the lines of how we can be so undisciplined "I don't have enough anyway so what does it matter if I splurge now" kind of thing. It's the idea that we don't deny ourselves anything but are given to every whim and the profound effect that this has on us in every area of our lives.
I have seen a sobering example of it in one of my coworkers life (and that in turn has helped me identify it in my own life and has served as a pretty good warning). With her money, she's always broke, vocationally and she's on the verge of losing her job because she used up all of her PTO two weeks into January. I even see the relational dysfunction when I talk to her because she does not deny herself "pleasure" in any form be it by the use of alcohol or sex or otherwise. The reality of it is sobering and to be completely transparent, it scares the hell out of me.
It's got me thinking hard about my life and where I give into my whims. Even just things that might be silly as choosing to play a game on my phone over washing the dishes in my sink. I see the paths I could be walking down by succumbing to the "pleasures of sin". I wish I knew how to more clearly articulate, but I'm pressed for time and I got to get going to work. Maybe I'll delve into it a little more later, or just personally.
As a short recap he explained that many churches will call their Sunday morning service a worship service, but the reality is that we worship God with our lives. I know a lot of people in my life who dont go to church and say that they can worship God no matter where they are. And they're absolutely right! But seeing this different perspective on church services as something other that "worship" just really spoke to me. He said that we meet to encounter God and it helps to refocus us for the coming week.
Can I just say that I love that! What an absolutely refreshing view on why it is so important to be a part of a church body! We might be able to worship God no matter where we are, but that intentional community with the church body where you encounter God to refocus yourself on Him is just something else entirely. I can not even express how much I love that perspective.
Anyway, outside the point other than to express that I need it.... I need it! Because focusing on God all of the time is not easy. Getting distracted is easy. It is so so easy. And I'm very thankful for the little community I have at Life Bridge.
Ive been doing some reflecting on stuff recently. Im a part of a facebook group that is doing a challenge called Break the Cycle. And so far is has just been so real. It has been affirmation and conviction and learning and I really appreciate what is being taught. I was watching a seminar the other day (I cannot watch live because i'm at work, so I think it might have been Tuesday morning seminar that I watched later, but I cant remember.) Anyway, the message the other day was about Breaking the cycle of money mismanagement, and God knows this is an area where I have been trying very hard to improve myself in. There was something said by one of the speakers that just kind of resonated with me.
I don't remember the exact wording used and I really wish now that I had written it down, because it was really good. but the concept was along the lines of how we can be so undisciplined "I don't have enough anyway so what does it matter if I splurge now" kind of thing. It's the idea that we don't deny ourselves anything but are given to every whim and the profound effect that this has on us in every area of our lives.
I have seen a sobering example of it in one of my coworkers life (and that in turn has helped me identify it in my own life and has served as a pretty good warning). With her money, she's always broke, vocationally and she's on the verge of losing her job because she used up all of her PTO two weeks into January. I even see the relational dysfunction when I talk to her because she does not deny herself "pleasure" in any form be it by the use of alcohol or sex or otherwise. The reality of it is sobering and to be completely transparent, it scares the hell out of me.
It's got me thinking hard about my life and where I give into my whims. Even just things that might be silly as choosing to play a game on my phone over washing the dishes in my sink. I see the paths I could be walking down by succumbing to the "pleasures of sin". I wish I knew how to more clearly articulate, but I'm pressed for time and I got to get going to work. Maybe I'll delve into it a little more later, or just personally.
Sunday, January 27, 2019
God Speaks
So I haven't blogged in quite a long time. And I think that's just what happens sometimes. We start out doing something and then as time progresses it might end up falling to the wayside. I think it's just the natural order of things. Some things are only for a season.
And then there's people like me who will make random blog posts years later. I have so much I could write about, and you come to a point that although a blog is very much a public forum, you really write for yourself. Like keeping a journal, this is your record of your life and thoughts. I think that's cool.
So anyway, I wanted to share something. I have been feeling a little bit guilty because I've been trying to find my way back to God and this week I have failed rather largely to spend any time with Him. Like any.... maybe with the exception of quick goodnight prayers as I fall asleep. By the way, I have been falling asleep quite well in the past week which I am sure is due to the prayers being made on my behalf by the beautiful soul at my Women's Bible study on Tuesdays. I have only been twice, but I know I so desperately need that group and I am so incredibly blessed that God would provide it for me.
I am just so bursting with stuff that I don't even know where I want to begin sharing. I am very excited to see what God is doing in both my life and the lives of the people around me and those I have been praying for. One in particular is my brother and sister in law starting a new venture (both of them!) to bring their families to a better place financially. (Which is something I actually prayed about in my "war room" a little while ago and it just fell to the wayside as life happened, although I didn't forget about them or my desire to pray for them... I think I just got lost in my own stuff for a while.) So anyway, my sister in law is selling Cozy Candles. I'm a big supporter for her so if you want to check out her page it's BeyondBlessed. I was trying to get a direct link to her facebook group because it's like a whole community in itself, but I cant figure out how to get the direct link. However if anyone wants to buy any of the candles from my sister in law, this it the link to her shop https://bwordproductions.com/cozy/1601/ . I actually am burning my Caribbean Escape Candle right now. It smells seriously AMAZING.
So my brother in law is also doing something online. I don't quite understand all of it yet, but it is an online gaming thing where he games and talks to people online and he can earn money through subscriptions so he will earns money doing this on the side. His goal is to be able to earn enough money that he can spend more time with his wife and daughter at home. So if you're into gaming you can check him out at https://www.twitch.tv/rellik1771
After he told me about it, I was like... that's so cool, I think i'm going to see about doing something like that with my crochet, but it would be a while before I would be able to get something like that set up.
So anyway, I'm so far on tangent from what I came here wanting to share. So let's get to that. I sat down tonight with the intention of studying a little more with the scriptures that were given to us for Tuesdays Bible Study and let me tell you a little bit about this process.
So I started out wanting to look at the context of each of the verses I was looking at to see if I could get a better understanding of them. So the theme was love Go and the first part of the Study was Things that are key in building a love relationship with God. I haven't even been through the first point in the first section and I'm like "God you're speaking to me." so this is what happened.
The first verse I looked at was Matthew 6:33 which said But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you. (NASB) I read for context and this is a verse I had highlighted before in my Bible, because it was one that reminded me that God takes care of the needs of his people. So I wrote down a challenge for myself to, When I need something, instead of attempting to just go and purchase it or find financing, to go first to God and ask for it and then sit back and see what He does.
So I was like Okay, cool. That is a challenge I really want to try, you know... like Test God in this to see if what He says is true because I believe he's trying to tell me something.
So I went on to the next verse, which was Psalm 46:10 "He says Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth" (NIV)
I read for context and it was talking about God being our refuge and strength and how we ought not to be disheartened by the world because He is God. Nothing stuck out super strong in this one to me, no challenges, so I went on to the next verse which was James 4:8, which reads "come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded." (NIV) Only... in looking up this verse, I somehow ended up on 1st Peter 4:8 and was reading those verses for context, but it was verse 7 that I was drawn back to... which reads "Now the end of all things is near; therefore, be serious and disciplined for prayer." (HCSB) So i pondered that verse for a little while and was reading context and trying to understand how vs 8's admonition to have an intense love for one another was the verse I was reading in the hand out... and then i realized I read the wrong book, but I was like, that's okay, That one verse really stuck out to me and I don't think it was an accident that God took me there.
So I go back to James 4, where I was really supposed to be and I started to read the verse and then the chapter for context, and I got to verse 2 and closed my Bible and I said OKAY, I GET IT.
And what does James 4:2 say? YOU DO NOT HAVE BECAUSE YOU DO NOT ASK.
Okay. Okay! OKAY! I see a theme here. God, I believe you want me to go to you in Prayer, God I believe that you want me to lay my needs, and DESIRES, I feel impressed that God wants to speak to even my desires. So Im just sitting here thinking about this, and I'm thinking about needing new clothing because mine is wearing out and the stuff I bought from Walmart a few months ago is already starting to become unusable. I'm thinking about Marraige, about in asking God for a spouse (a part of a facebook group I'm a part of, it started with a challenge of praying for your future spouse), I started thinking about my brother and his wife and the ventures they are starting, then my whole lists of prayers that I was bringing before Him and I just get this impression that God is saying to me to test Him in this.
But as I'm sitting here I'm also thinking can I really be hearing this from God because Jesus says it is written do not put the Lord your God to the test, so I looked up the context and it brought me to the Old Testament Scripture where it seemed like there was something specific at Massah that they were being told not to test God and I think it was in relation to sin, but then I saw the Scripture in Malachi 3:10 Bring the full tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. And thereby put me to the test, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need.
You do not have because you do not ask. I think that one is going to stick with me for a while.
Anyway, It is late and I've already written a lot, so until I decide to write again, take care.
And then there's people like me who will make random blog posts years later. I have so much I could write about, and you come to a point that although a blog is very much a public forum, you really write for yourself. Like keeping a journal, this is your record of your life and thoughts. I think that's cool.
So anyway, I wanted to share something. I have been feeling a little bit guilty because I've been trying to find my way back to God and this week I have failed rather largely to spend any time with Him. Like any.... maybe with the exception of quick goodnight prayers as I fall asleep. By the way, I have been falling asleep quite well in the past week which I am sure is due to the prayers being made on my behalf by the beautiful soul at my Women's Bible study on Tuesdays. I have only been twice, but I know I so desperately need that group and I am so incredibly blessed that God would provide it for me.
I am just so bursting with stuff that I don't even know where I want to begin sharing. I am very excited to see what God is doing in both my life and the lives of the people around me and those I have been praying for. One in particular is my brother and sister in law starting a new venture (both of them!) to bring their families to a better place financially. (Which is something I actually prayed about in my "war room" a little while ago and it just fell to the wayside as life happened, although I didn't forget about them or my desire to pray for them... I think I just got lost in my own stuff for a while.) So anyway, my sister in law is selling Cozy Candles. I'm a big supporter for her so if you want to check out her page it's BeyondBlessed. I was trying to get a direct link to her facebook group because it's like a whole community in itself, but I cant figure out how to get the direct link. However if anyone wants to buy any of the candles from my sister in law, this it the link to her shop https://bwordproductions.com/cozy/1601/ . I actually am burning my Caribbean Escape Candle right now. It smells seriously AMAZING.
So my brother in law is also doing something online. I don't quite understand all of it yet, but it is an online gaming thing where he games and talks to people online and he can earn money through subscriptions so he will earns money doing this on the side. His goal is to be able to earn enough money that he can spend more time with his wife and daughter at home. So if you're into gaming you can check him out at https://www.twitch.tv/rellik1771
After he told me about it, I was like... that's so cool, I think i'm going to see about doing something like that with my crochet, but it would be a while before I would be able to get something like that set up.
So anyway, I'm so far on tangent from what I came here wanting to share. So let's get to that. I sat down tonight with the intention of studying a little more with the scriptures that were given to us for Tuesdays Bible Study and let me tell you a little bit about this process.
So I started out wanting to look at the context of each of the verses I was looking at to see if I could get a better understanding of them. So the theme was love Go and the first part of the Study was Things that are key in building a love relationship with God. I haven't even been through the first point in the first section and I'm like "God you're speaking to me." so this is what happened.
The first verse I looked at was Matthew 6:33 which said But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you. (NASB) I read for context and this is a verse I had highlighted before in my Bible, because it was one that reminded me that God takes care of the needs of his people. So I wrote down a challenge for myself to, When I need something, instead of attempting to just go and purchase it or find financing, to go first to God and ask for it and then sit back and see what He does.
So I was like Okay, cool. That is a challenge I really want to try, you know... like Test God in this to see if what He says is true because I believe he's trying to tell me something.
So I went on to the next verse, which was Psalm 46:10 "He says Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth" (NIV)
I read for context and it was talking about God being our refuge and strength and how we ought not to be disheartened by the world because He is God. Nothing stuck out super strong in this one to me, no challenges, so I went on to the next verse which was James 4:8, which reads "come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded." (NIV) Only... in looking up this verse, I somehow ended up on 1st Peter 4:8 and was reading those verses for context, but it was verse 7 that I was drawn back to... which reads "Now the end of all things is near; therefore, be serious and disciplined for prayer." (HCSB) So i pondered that verse for a little while and was reading context and trying to understand how vs 8's admonition to have an intense love for one another was the verse I was reading in the hand out... and then i realized I read the wrong book, but I was like, that's okay, That one verse really stuck out to me and I don't think it was an accident that God took me there.
So I go back to James 4, where I was really supposed to be and I started to read the verse and then the chapter for context, and I got to verse 2 and closed my Bible and I said OKAY, I GET IT.
And what does James 4:2 say? YOU DO NOT HAVE BECAUSE YOU DO NOT ASK.
Okay. Okay! OKAY! I see a theme here. God, I believe you want me to go to you in Prayer, God I believe that you want me to lay my needs, and DESIRES, I feel impressed that God wants to speak to even my desires. So Im just sitting here thinking about this, and I'm thinking about needing new clothing because mine is wearing out and the stuff I bought from Walmart a few months ago is already starting to become unusable. I'm thinking about Marraige, about in asking God for a spouse (a part of a facebook group I'm a part of, it started with a challenge of praying for your future spouse), I started thinking about my brother and his wife and the ventures they are starting, then my whole lists of prayers that I was bringing before Him and I just get this impression that God is saying to me to test Him in this.
But as I'm sitting here I'm also thinking can I really be hearing this from God because Jesus says it is written do not put the Lord your God to the test, so I looked up the context and it brought me to the Old Testament Scripture where it seemed like there was something specific at Massah that they were being told not to test God and I think it was in relation to sin, but then I saw the Scripture in Malachi 3:10 Bring the full tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. And thereby put me to the test, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need.
You do not have because you do not ask. I think that one is going to stick with me for a while.
Anyway, It is late and I've already written a lot, so until I decide to write again, take care.
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