How I almost accidentally just killed myself with a candle

So almost a year ago I purchased the movie War Room. It was something I've wanted to see when it first came out, but it came out shortly after my ex dumped me, and I had heard there was something about infidelity in it and I just couldn't bring myself to watch it.   It probably would have been good for me to watch it anyway, but you know how those things go. 

Well, I finally watched it in December with my sister in law, Victoria.  And I was, of course, inspired.  I have a small walk in closet, I thought this would be great to turn into my own "war room" of sorts.  So I started that process almost 2 months ago. It's just big enough to put a bean bag chair in, and I'd like to get a small book shelf for my bible and supplies.   My war room isn't as used as I would like it to be, but I'm slowing working my way towards that.   I live by myself, so it's like, who's going to bother me?  But it's nice that it's a private place.

So anyway, I went into my war room tonight and I spent some time praying and then I started reading my bible.  I should probably mention that prior to going into my room for my god time, I lit a candle and put it in my closet. Mostly to combat any smell my dirty clothes might emit. LOL

So it didn't take long for me being in there to start feeling tired. I thought it was weird that I was struggling to keep my eyes open.  After I finally finished reading the passage I leaned back and closed my eyes hoping maybe a cat nap might refresh me.   But I looked at my phone.  11:59pm, It was way too early for me to feel this kind of tired.  And my heart was racing.  For the love of God, why was my heart racing?   And I was getting a bit of a dull headache in my forehead.

In my groggy state, I looked over at my wonderfully scented candle....

Then I blew it out and flung the door to my closet open. 

It only took a few minutes for the sleepiness to go away and for my heart to stop racing.   I still have a bit of a dull headache though.  Mostly just pressure, though, not pain.  But I'm sitting in my living room with my ceiling fan circulating air, and no candles burning.

I chastise myself for not thinking about the consequences of lighting a candle in a 5x5 room with no circulation and closing the door.  I won't be doing that again.

And thank God for not letting me fall asleep.  That candle would have continued to burn for 8 hours.  And who knows how much CO and CO2 would have been produced.

Anyway, mistakes made, lessons learned,  and I am still alive and that is all I can hope for.

Real Talk

So, I guess you're about to get "Real Talk" from me.   What I mean by that is what is on my mind is not something I go around readily sharing with others.

Today I went with my friends Christine and Jen to the Ice shelf Brew Fest in Michigan City. We were going to meet at Christine's house and then carpool.  We were supposed to meet at 12:30.  There should easily have been enough time, even with me going to bed at the usual late bedtime I keep... or even a bit later, to sleep and wake up in time to get myself dressed and drive to Christine's house without being late.

But I was late.  About 15 minutes late.   I had woken up about 9am because I had to use the bathroom. I replied to the text that we would meet about 12:30, and then I laid back down and went back to sleep, setting my alarm to get me up at 11:30.  I felt exhausted.   Well, of course 11:30 rolls around and I snooze my alarm...  3 times in total before I turn it off and lay in bed with my eyes closed for.... honestly I'm not even sure how long... begging God to help me get up. I actually do that a lot-- beg God to help me to wake up and get up.  I got up eventually... but It was about 12:15 before I left. I ran out the door without brushing my teeth, washing my face, or anything. I just put on clothes and left.

You know, I had a really good time with my friends and being with them did a lot to distract me from the way I was feeling about myself by that time, which was simply not good.   But when I stood alone for more than a few minutes, unable to occupy my time with the impromptu scavenger hunt I started with the people in costume (lol) my mind would start to wander.  Today I felt undesirable.

It's fairly obvious that my lack of hygienic routine prior to leaving played a huge role in that.   But I was walking around with a new breakout of  red painful acne (not the blackheads that I'm dealing with since cross training in metal cell) --that seemed to coincide with my purchase of a new impurity cleansing face wash that I am trying to use to get rid of the blackheads.

In addition to the acne, I have a rather painful, dry and cracking scab on my upper lip and lip line from a cold sore that started developing on Monday.  It's very obvious and rather embarrassing.  I hear a lot of people get cold sores, but I feel like I never see anyone dealing with them... Anyway, I have been using Triple Antibiotic ointment and medicated chapstick to heal my lips and the sore.  so when It wasn't feeling dry and cracked, then the scab was falling off and it felt like it was bleeding (or blistering, but then it just scabbed over again).

Then there was the 5 inch rip in my pants under the pocket, but I didn't have anything else clean to wear because I'm low on clothes and the pants I purchased in the fall are either really low quality (hence the ripping) or they no longer fit me. :-(

Speaking of no longer fitting.  I'm at the highest weight I've ever been at and that depresses me.  Especially after I worked so hard to lose the weight that first time.  It's like I was just assaulted by life circumstances and my way of dealing was to emotional eat, so I gained all my lost weight back and then a few extra... So that was another thing adding to it.

Ugh. Okay, so the point is that I felt like I was walking around looking huge, slobby, dirty and contagious... and it just didn't feel good.

As I people watched, I looked into the faces of some of the people there.  I look at the faces of some of the men... some attractive, mature looking men, and wonder  if they would ever give me a second look or if God would ever position one of them someday to be my husband.  I would look into the faces of the women, beautifully manicured, flawless makeup, hair, nails; bright smiles, straight, white teeth; fashionable dress, clean looking--- and I would wonder why I couldn't be like them.

I mean, where do people even find the energy and resources to get "dolled up".

I know I walk around most of the time, probably appearing like I don't really care about how I look, and on some level that is true because I will choose comfort over style in a lot of cases, but the real truth is that I do care deeply about how I look. I would love to do my make up and hair and dress nice, but i'm often left wondering how women find the time, energy, and resources for it.  For some reason I just can't find it in me to make the effort.Which is weird because I used to in high school...everyday, every morning (up until a boy I had a crush on painted his hand and then said his hand looked like my face) but now... I just... cant.

But gosh... it doesn't even stop there.... with so much in my life.  My looks, my weight, being places on time, simple things to help me manage my money, cleaning my apartment...

Is this really the effect of depression? Or am I just lazy?

I know what I have to do to fix my life... but gosh... how do I get out of the funk?

Sometimes depression looks like calling off work to sleep. Then staying in bed all day, getting up only to comfort eat and use the bathroom... and finally sitting in the bathtub feeling sad for no apparent reason eating Oatmeal cream pies until you feel ill from the sugar.

Sometimes depression has no rhyme or reason. You cant just get over it and you cant "will power" your way through it. 

Sometimes you just have to ride through it.

Too much in my brain to be Coherent

So lately I have been really trying to dive into a deeper relationship with God.  It has not been an easy journey, and I find myself, often, in the crux of pursuing my own ambitions and forgetting God.  I think that's one of the reasons I liked how the minister at my church body described what going to church is.
 As a short recap he explained that many churches will call their Sunday morning service a worship service, but the reality is that we worship God with our lives.  I know a lot of people in my life who dont go to church and say that they can worship God no matter where they are.  And they're absolutely right!  But seeing this different perspective on church services as something other that "worship" just really spoke to me.  He said that we meet to encounter God and it helps to refocus us for the coming week. 

Can I just say that I love that! What an absolutely refreshing view on why it is so important to be a part of a church body!  We might be able to worship God no matter where we are, but that intentional community with the church body where you encounter God to refocus yourself on Him is just something else entirely. I can not even express how much I love that perspective.

Anyway,  outside the point other than to express that I need it....  I need it! Because focusing on God all of the time is not easy.  Getting distracted is easy.  It is so so easy.  And I'm very thankful for the little community I have at Life Bridge.

Ive been doing some reflecting on stuff recently.  Im a part of a facebook group that is doing a challenge called Break the Cycle.  And so far is has just been so real.  It has been affirmation and conviction and learning and I really appreciate what is being taught.  I was watching a seminar the other day (I cannot watch  live because i'm at work, so I think it might have been Tuesday morning seminar that I watched later, but I cant remember.)  Anyway, the message the other day was about Breaking the cycle of money mismanagement, and God knows this is an area where I have been trying very hard to improve myself in.  There was something said by one of the speakers that just kind of resonated with me.

I don't remember the exact wording used and I really wish now that I had written it down, because it was really good. but the concept was along the lines of how we can be so undisciplined "I don't have enough anyway so what does it matter if I splurge now" kind of thing. It's the idea that we don't deny ourselves anything but are given to every whim and the profound effect that this has on us in every area of our lives.

 I have seen a sobering example of it in one of my coworkers life (and that in turn has helped me identify it in my own life and has served as a pretty good warning).    With her money, she's always broke, vocationally and she's on the verge of losing her job because she used up all of her PTO two weeks into January.  I even see the relational dysfunction when I talk to her because she does not deny herself "pleasure" in any form be it by the use of alcohol or sex or otherwise.  The reality of it is sobering and to be completely transparent, it scares the hell out of me. 

It's got me thinking hard about my life and where I give into my whims.  Even just things that might be silly as choosing to play a game on my phone over washing the dishes in my sink. I see the paths I could be walking down by succumbing to the "pleasures of sin".  I wish I knew how to more clearly articulate, but I'm pressed for time and I got to get going to work.   Maybe I'll delve into it a little more later, or just personally.