Layoffs

 There are only a handful of things I've faced in my life that I would say were emotionally traumatizing... and watching 29 of my coworkers get walked out because of layoffs was one of them.  I heard every unspoken thought  in my mind.

"What am I going to do?"

"I just had a baby."

"I just bought a house."

And so on. 

 It was an emotionally heavy night. We all felt it because by the time all was said and done there were only ten of us left on our shift in my department.

I'm thankful that I have high enough seniority that I was able to keep my job.  I am thankful that both of my brothers also still have their jobs in the departments where they work.

We knew the lay offs were coming. They told us several months ago that they were looking to lay off about 100 people in September through out the company. I've been praying that God would put a hedge of protection around my brothers and my jobs.  And I do believe that He did. 

But it was still a rough night.  My heart goes out to all the people who lost their jobs last night.  You might never see this blog post but know that my heart is with you and I'm praying for you. 

Am I dumb?

 Am I dumb? 

Am I too dumb to know that I'm dumb?   

Am I the kind of dumb that people go "oh bless her heart"  after I leave?

I don't generally feel that I am particularly unintelligent... that is until I feel that someone has perceived me that way.  Then I question my whole world. 

I am well aware that there is plenty of stuff that I don't know and a lot I don't understand.  I don't know why this particular insecurity runs so deep with me but I just don't want to be dumb.  Maybe I tie my self worth to my intelligence.  Or maybe I feel like there are so many other negative things that people perceive about me that I just don't want there to be another thing to make people dislike me or make fun of me for.... or maybe both. 

I think my feelings today were triggered by a conversation at work. I wasn't actively involved in the conversation, but I've given my thoughts on it a time or two. The conversation was centered around why the girls in and close by my cell don't like the second shift supervisor.  For me the answer is that he talks down to women... like we are dumb.  I guess I figured this was common to the place where I work because I have heard other women make the same complaint... but I guess it's not.   Every one of the girls involved in the conversation said the supervisor doesn't talk to them that way.  I guess it made me wonder why I was the only girl around who felt that the supervisor talked to me like I was stupid and it made me wonder why.  It made me question if I actually am stupid and just don't know it. 

I'm sure these feelings will pass... but for now I'm left to wonder.