I'm confused... because I don't know how to please you, but I really want to.
Things just... don't seem right.
What am I supposed to do?
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
Thoughts and such
My heart feels heavy tonight. I'm sure the reason is a mix of many things, and I'm confident that tomorrow I will feel better, at least after getting a good night of rest anyway. But I guess there's always a chance that the heaviness won't go away.
I wonder if I could describe the physical feeling of heaviness on my heart.... Well, first of all, I don't think it's physically my heart that feels the heaviness, but rather my whole being feels under it, but not like a laziness, I feel pretty energized. It's like the heaviness is on my soul. It feels like fullness and emptiness at the same time. It's weird, I feel overloaded with emotion, yet drained of all emotion at the same time. I don't know if I'm feeling a single dominant emotion, or if all of my emotions are trying to express themselves at the same time. There's a sadness and a longing.. Oh, I have no idea. Have you ever cried deeply over something? It's the same feeling you get when you've finished crying (except I haven't cried).
I think sometimes I think too deeply about things. The feeling of a heaviness over my heart/soul came on after thinking about body image and girls and the way media has destroyed so many young girls and women's perceptions of themselves, and many young boys and men's perceptions of what women should be. Who still sees what God sees? Media is another stupid serpent in the garden telling the world that women are less than what God created them to be. Pornography, prostitution, eating disorders, promiscuity and premarital sex, cutting and other self harm, depression, chronic dieting, suicide... and what else? All these things (and more) have the potential to be rooted back to women's self-perception, and societies perception of women.
I HATE IT!!!!!
Transparent and unashamed... I guess I still struggle to see myself the way God sees me. Some days it's more of a struggle than others and the struggle encompasses soooo much more than whether I see myself through God's eyes or the worlds.
... I know you cant see the thought processes that bring me to some of the sudden changes of topics, but you gotta realize, some things are for privileged eyes and ears only... I guess you never really know whose privileged. Anyway, here's the new topic
Life Goals!!! I've rewritten my life goals from scratch. I wrote down only the things that tugged my heart strings. So far here they are:
The list in no particular order (since they're posted erratically on my wall and I'm just looking up at them)
I wonder if I could describe the physical feeling of heaviness on my heart.... Well, first of all, I don't think it's physically my heart that feels the heaviness, but rather my whole being feels under it, but not like a laziness, I feel pretty energized. It's like the heaviness is on my soul. It feels like fullness and emptiness at the same time. It's weird, I feel overloaded with emotion, yet drained of all emotion at the same time. I don't know if I'm feeling a single dominant emotion, or if all of my emotions are trying to express themselves at the same time. There's a sadness and a longing.. Oh, I have no idea. Have you ever cried deeply over something? It's the same feeling you get when you've finished crying (except I haven't cried).
I think sometimes I think too deeply about things. The feeling of a heaviness over my heart/soul came on after thinking about body image and girls and the way media has destroyed so many young girls and women's perceptions of themselves, and many young boys and men's perceptions of what women should be. Who still sees what God sees? Media is another stupid serpent in the garden telling the world that women are less than what God created them to be. Pornography, prostitution, eating disorders, promiscuity and premarital sex, cutting and other self harm, depression, chronic dieting, suicide... and what else? All these things (and more) have the potential to be rooted back to women's self-perception, and societies perception of women.
I HATE IT!!!!!
Transparent and unashamed... I guess I still struggle to see myself the way God sees me. Some days it's more of a struggle than others and the struggle encompasses soooo much more than whether I see myself through God's eyes or the worlds.
... I know you cant see the thought processes that bring me to some of the sudden changes of topics, but you gotta realize, some things are for privileged eyes and ears only... I guess you never really know whose privileged. Anyway, here's the new topic
Life Goals!!! I've rewritten my life goals from scratch. I wrote down only the things that tugged my heart strings. So far here they are:
The list in no particular order (since they're posted erratically on my wall and I'm just looking up at them)
- Graduate College
- Write a book
- Become fluent in another langauge
- Develop a healthier lifestyle
- Memorize the Bible
- Never stop learning
- See the world through God's eyes
- Be a revolutionary
- Fall in love with God again every day
- Marry a man who loves God, will be my partner in ministry(if I need to explain this part, ask, because it's probably not meant in the way you might have interpreted it), and values me the way God values me.
Thought shift... Do you ever think about God as someone who is pursuing your heart as a lover? Do you ever watch the snow fall outside and feel like God is painting you a beautiful picture, or seen a field scattered with Dandelions and felt like God put them there just for you as though you were receiving the most elaborate bouquet ever, or have you ever woken up to the sound of birds singing right outside your window and felt like God was serenading you? I have. I've come to a place where I see God pursuing my heart and singing me a love song and writing me beautiful love letters. When this happened, I began to realize that God is writing my love story, not just the story between Him and myself, but between me and my future spouse. Realizing that God wants my heart first has given me a greater passion to pursue holiness and purity and it amazes me to think how much more I value myself because I finally see how God values me.
You know... even though I can see how now might not be the time for this, I really look forward to the day when God blesses me with a husband and family.
hmm... wow.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
I wear short sleeves to support my right to bare arms. hehe
So I was reminded subtly today that I actually have a blog, so now I want to write in it. I don't know if anyone reads it anymore since I stopped posting for .... 3 months? What shall I do? Bare my heart to the world hoping some random person I don't even know will stop by to read my drama and make me feel oh so much better about myself because I'm an attention whore? Ha, not likely.
Should I be watching the way I write in my blog lest I lose my credability? Am I being too cynical? Obstinate? Ornery? Facetious? ooh no.... Sarcastic? Yes, I despise sarcasm. No I'm not being sarcastic. I really don't like it (at least when you use it when speaking to an actual person). I think what I don't like is that if you use sarcasm in speaking to an actual person, I feel like you're saying, "You're an idiot and I'm going to make fun of you for it now." I don't like to be belittled, or to see others belittled.
Ephesians 4:29 says "let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
I guess this is an area that I'm not doing too well in. How often are the things that I say uplifting or beneficial to others? Being ornery and facetious, playing devils advocate(sorry Naomi), just simply having a negative response to something... Sounds more like I'm being a jerk than loving people like I'm supposed to.
Can you imagine what this world would be like if the words that came out of everyone's mouths were always positive and uplifting 100 percent of the time?
that reminds me of something... check this out: http://acomplaintfreeworld.org/
Eh, That's all.
Should I be watching the way I write in my blog lest I lose my credability? Am I being too cynical? Obstinate? Ornery? Facetious? ooh no.... Sarcastic? Yes, I despise sarcasm. No I'm not being sarcastic. I really don't like it (at least when you use it when speaking to an actual person). I think what I don't like is that if you use sarcasm in speaking to an actual person, I feel like you're saying, "You're an idiot and I'm going to make fun of you for it now." I don't like to be belittled, or to see others belittled.
Ephesians 4:29 says "let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
I guess this is an area that I'm not doing too well in. How often are the things that I say uplifting or beneficial to others? Being ornery and facetious, playing devils advocate(sorry Naomi), just simply having a negative response to something... Sounds more like I'm being a jerk than loving people like I'm supposed to.
Can you imagine what this world would be like if the words that came out of everyone's mouths were always positive and uplifting 100 percent of the time?
that reminds me of something... check this out: http://acomplaintfreeworld.org/
Eh, That's all.
Friday, March 7, 2008
On the first day of the rest of my life, I am forever changed
I started reading a book called The Shack (by William P. Young) yesterday. I finished it today. When I say that I am forever changed, it is not a supposedly clever title for my blog post, or something random that came to my mind, or even anything profound. It is the truth of what has happened in my life. I am forever changed. Try as I might to resist it, though I do not wish to resist it, my thoughts and concepts, and feeling and relationship toward God has been challenged and will never be the same again.
I picked up The Shack because one of my professors recommended it. I didn't know anything about the book, and at first I wasn't at all interested in it, but Dr. Bob kept talking about it in such a positive light that I decided not to write it off, but I was still more interested in reading Blue like Jazz and Searching for God Knows What. Then DB told us something he said to someone else who he told to read the book. I think the person he talked to has lost a daughter, but I'm not one hundred percent sure. He said I know where (insert name) is, she's behind the water fall, read this book and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about. That peaked my interest, but I wasn't planning to special order the book, but I thought, sometime I'll go to Barnes and Noble and get it. Then I went to the Bethel book store with Naomi to get some supplies I needed and I saw the book. It was the last one and I did not hesitate to buy it... But I didn't start reading it until yesterday. It couldn't have happened with better timing.
I don't know exactly how God has wired me. I don't know why even though I may be feeling and entering into the excruciating emotional pain someone else is feeling that I don't always cry the way Naomi does when she shares in someone's pain, but I cried during this book. The funny think is that I didn't even cry in the part of the book that held the mans hurts. I didn't cry until chapter 11. I cried in his healing. I know that sounds weird, but I think in the midst of his healing God was healing something in me. I don't know how to describe it because it's not the same as the character Mack experienced it, even though I entered into his story and shared in it. It was different. It was like God was speaking directly to me through this story.. challenging my theological concepts and the way I see the world and the way I see God.
I wish I could just sit here and share everything that reading this book has provoked in me. In no way do I uphold it over the Bible, but I think it is a tool God can and is using to help us see see past our own theological interpretations that may or may not be inline with the heart of God. I wish I could tell you the way I see things more clearly, I wish I could tell you of the new freedom I feel, and the love that I can't hold in. But I can't tell you about it, because honestly, this is mine. I don't say that to withhold anything from you. It was my journey with God, and what I say may or may not mean something to you, but you really need to have your own journey, to discover the challenges and truths in this book for yourself, to let God transform you and change your world through his guiding you, and to discover truths that are relevant to your current understanding. Read the book, and then come talk with me.
I picked up The Shack because one of my professors recommended it. I didn't know anything about the book, and at first I wasn't at all interested in it, but Dr. Bob kept talking about it in such a positive light that I decided not to write it off, but I was still more interested in reading Blue like Jazz and Searching for God Knows What. Then DB told us something he said to someone else who he told to read the book. I think the person he talked to has lost a daughter, but I'm not one hundred percent sure. He said I know where (insert name) is, she's behind the water fall, read this book and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about. That peaked my interest, but I wasn't planning to special order the book, but I thought, sometime I'll go to Barnes and Noble and get it. Then I went to the Bethel book store with Naomi to get some supplies I needed and I saw the book. It was the last one and I did not hesitate to buy it... But I didn't start reading it until yesterday. It couldn't have happened with better timing.
I don't know exactly how God has wired me. I don't know why even though I may be feeling and entering into the excruciating emotional pain someone else is feeling that I don't always cry the way Naomi does when she shares in someone's pain, but I cried during this book. The funny think is that I didn't even cry in the part of the book that held the mans hurts. I didn't cry until chapter 11. I cried in his healing. I know that sounds weird, but I think in the midst of his healing God was healing something in me. I don't know how to describe it because it's not the same as the character Mack experienced it, even though I entered into his story and shared in it. It was different. It was like God was speaking directly to me through this story.. challenging my theological concepts and the way I see the world and the way I see God.
I wish I could just sit here and share everything that reading this book has provoked in me. In no way do I uphold it over the Bible, but I think it is a tool God can and is using to help us see see past our own theological interpretations that may or may not be inline with the heart of God. I wish I could tell you the way I see things more clearly, I wish I could tell you of the new freedom I feel, and the love that I can't hold in. But I can't tell you about it, because honestly, this is mine. I don't say that to withhold anything from you. It was my journey with God, and what I say may or may not mean something to you, but you really need to have your own journey, to discover the challenges and truths in this book for yourself, to let God transform you and change your world through his guiding you, and to discover truths that are relevant to your current understanding. Read the book, and then come talk with me.
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