So many thoughts

I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind right now, things that I've thought about before and things I've experienced and heard recently... been a bit introspective. Well, I guess my blogging would be the act of being introspective. I don't know. I guess I'm not really a deep person but I always have something on my mind, I usually always have something I'm thinking about.
I realized today that I am happy. I don't mean specifically today or anything, I mean, generally, I'm happy. I haven't been truly happy in a really long time. This is a big deal for me. I realized today that I'm not just surviving from day to day, I'm thriving and I'm enjoying life, I'm learning, I'm loving, I am being. What's so different now?

One of the things I really liked about the past week was that during CIY we wrote letters to one another. That is so special. Three of the letters I recieved are ones that I will treasure for a long long time. CIY was amazing. I think camping together for the first few days was a smart move. I think being able to connect with everyone before the actual conference started made the connections that were made during the conference deeper. Some truly amazing things happened, and I praise God that I was there to be a part of it.

Argggghhh

I have so many conflicting emotions right now.



Have you ever been tugged so strongly in two different directions?



Have you ever wanted to tell someone exactly what you think and feel about that person but the emotions conflict and don't make any sense?



Have you ever had a vision for something and others completely miss it, especially the most important person?



Have you ever felt free and tied up in chains at exactly the same time (over the exact same issue)?



Have you ever wanted to let something go, but find yourself unable to loosen your grip on it?



Have you ever loved so much it hurt?

Today I met Suzie. I walked past her house and she was outside tending her garden and I told her that everytime I walk past her house, I feel like I'm walking past an oasis. So she started talking with me and I found out that she is a Sunday School teacher at Immanuel Lutheran Church. I told her my grandma used to go there and she asked me my grandma's name. When I told her she said "wow, it's such a small world". She knows my grandma, and she knows who my mom and all of my aunts are. :-)

So my cousins daughter Shawna is developing a knack for bluntness. Today she walked in my room while I was changing my clothes so I could take her and Taylor to park. She looks at me and says "You're big Amanda". OMG. So when I finished getting dressed I said "Okay, let's go get Taylor and say bye to mom" so we went into the living room where Shawna points at my stomach and tells my cousin and my mom "theres a baby in Amanda's stomach". After getting a good laugh they explain to Shawna that I'm not pregnant, that some people are just big like that. Shawna is silent for a moment, then she says "I want to be big like Amanda" Haha, the joys of 3 year olds.

... I want a baby. Hmm... but I need a husband first. Darn those pesky details. LOL

I feel so awkward

Stuck in the middle between two age groups, not really fitting with either one, disconnected from the very few people who are my age... I just feel like I'm in an awkward stage. When am I not in an awkard stage? My entire life I've felt like I didn't fit in for some reason.

Differences in age, income, waist size, religious belief/practice, social group, and so on, the list goes on.

As Peter writes in his first letters, he continually refers to God's elect, followers of Christ, as aliens and strangers in a foreign land. I feel like it... like a stranger... I feel like this world is not my home. I have no desire to fit in with the world, but I gotta be honest, it bothers me when I feel like I don't fit in with other Believers. But more than not fitting in, I'm bothered that age, income, weight, practices and such still matter.

She is just the cutest!!!

This is my cousin's daughter, Taylor. I want to keep her.

I don't think she gets enough love. She's the middle child. Her older sister is mommies first, with the cute little banana curls and big expressive eyes... basically all around adorable for a 3 year old. Her little brother is...well, a boy... daddies little man and grandpa's namesake... the baby. Then there's Taylor, stuck in the middle... nothing special in her own right, not as cute as her adorable older sister and no longer the baby everyone dotes over.

She's overlooked and I just want to love on her everytime she comes over... hug her, pick her up and carry her, play with her, sing to her (she likes My Girl by the Temptations), listen to her babble about whatever she's pointing at (which is actually really amusing because you can' understand a word she says)...

She's in the same situation my cousin Brandy was in when she was little, the middle child with a beautiful older sister and a baby brother, over looked, nothing special, didn't recieve the love she needed. I saw what Brandy went through, and I don't want Taylor to suffer the same things. Oh, God, just love on Taylor. Be near to her, now and as she grows up let her know that she is loved and that you do not overlook her. Let her know that she is special in your eyes. Draw her near to you, capture her heart and hold on to it.

If you are trying to get a headache or to make yourself feel sick to your stomach, play this game
http://www.addictinggames.com/theepilepsygame.html


If you want to be part of the problem play this game:
http://www.addictinggames.com/burgertycoon.html

I found it sad that I was making incredible profit in the game and the executives kept telling me to increase my profit margins because growth wasn't sufficient. Oh the greed...

I wrote a poem for my cousin Rebecca, but the truth is that I find myself able to identify strongly with the first four lines

A heart lies shattered on a dirty floor

Won't pick up the peices, theres no point anymore

I just want all this pain to end

Why fix a broken heart so it can break again?

I think the part I relate to the most is the question in the last line: "Why fix a broken heart so it can break again?" That's the question, huh? Why do we continually allow ourselves to be in a place where we get our hearts broken? This encompasses so much more than romance.

Why does a mother have a child when she knows that the child is going to move out in 18 years? Why do people get married when they know that eventually one of them is going to die? Why do people become friends knowing that not all friendships will last forever?

Why is the joy of love so much greater than the pain of a broken heart? Though I resist it... consciously and subconsciously... I can't stop it from happening in my own life. I want to love, I just don't want to hurt.

But we are called to love. It's what sets us apart and tells the world that we are Christs disciple. We love when other love us, we love when they hate us, we love them when they're the same as us and when they're different. We love because He first loved us. We love even when it hurts, we love to the point of death. How radical... This is what it is to die to self.

Think of John 13:34,35, Jesus' command to the disciples to love. It's surrounded with death.
Isn't that amazing, we, as disciples of Christ can say "I am willing to die because I love you" and Jesus turns to us and says "I already have" :-)

You know.. I feel that I'm not afraid to love anymore.

Questions?

Ugh. Why? My words run dry. Perhaps I'll write a poem. For some reason I feel like I'm better able to express myself through poetry.
...

And it's no wonder. Poetry has a way breaking all the rules, saying something indirectly, not making sense... which in a way makes perfect sense that one could feel so upsidedown and backwards with no logical way to express themselves, yet write something that speaks to the hearts of the readers.

Yep.