I'm feeling the excitement

Classes were supposed to start today, but I got an extra day because the only two classes I have today were canceled. Dr. Linhart is out of town meeting with denominational leaders in the missionary church and he is the professor for both of the classes.

We had the back to school bash last night. Three people didn't recognize me. Two of the people were ones I lived with last year and one of them I go to house church with, so I had a lot of contact with all three of them last year. I didn't think my appearance had changed that much!

Ruth and I hung out a bit. Ruth graduated in '07, but still lives nearby, so it was easy to give her a call and be like "come see my house!" So she came over at 11pm and we spent an hour and a half talking about summer and I told her stories some of the amazing stories from this summer. She told me about her summer and her struggles to find a church that she likes (she tends to not like organized church structures anyway, and her work schedule makes it hard for her to attend anyway).

She said she wanted to be challenged and held accountable, so we decided that the two of us, and anyone who wants to get involved, will have church together on her days off. I'm really excited because it's going to be different even from the house church I go to. We will meet with one another, I don't know what we'll talk about or study yet, but we've also decided that it won't just be us (and whoever else comes) meeting within ourselves. We've decided that we are going to have times when we go out into the community and be Jesus to people. We haven't completely envisioned what that will look like yet, but we have a few ideas.

I've talked with several people now about The Tangible Kingdom and possibly starting a book study on it. A few people sounded interested, some had good ideas, and one pointed me to an option on how to get it started, so it might actually happen.

I am moving out of feeling apprehensive about this school year and starting to feel really excited about it. I think it's because I feel like a missionary who has been sent out. There are people at Bethel who are moving into viewing the world through kingdom lenses, and moving into the incarnational way of doing ministry, and I feel like this year is a great opportunity to encourage them as I continue my own learning in this area. But not only to encourage them, but also to help awaken the vision in others.

It's not what you get out of it, it's what you bring to it. I plan to bring it.

Here at Bethel...

Okay, where do I begin?

I'm here. I woke up bright and early (8:30, ha! that's not really early) and we were hoping to be able to leave by 9am, but that didn't happen for some reason. We left at about 10am, so I probably could have gone to the church today. But it's okay, Pete and Frank prayed for me on Sunday.

I got to Bethel just after noon (Eastern time), unpacked (hardly at all) went to lunch at 1pm, ate with my RD, talked with her about the summer (all the amazing God moments), went back to the room, unpacked more (almost there), went to the registrar's office (they spelled my name wrong on my grad. app.), went to the book store, bought books and supplies (phew, that's done), came back to my room, unpacked a little more (only thing left now is my clothes), put away my books and supplies, made my bed, went to dinner, ate with Nat and Gia, talked with Matt and Jamie about starting a study on The Tangible Kingdom, came to the computer lab, got my homework for next Tuesday (since there's no class tomorrow because Dr. Linhart is out of town) and here I am, blogging and talking to Martin online.

It's weird being here. I'm seeing a ton of people that I know, but most of them aren't my friends, they're just acquaintances.

I am indeed in a room by myself. It's weird though because the way the house I'm living in is set up like an apartment, but all the rooms share a kitchen, laundry room, toilet, etc. So I'm downstairs in the basement, and there are two rooms, a bedroom and a study room... I have it all to myself. I'm sure it will be great for a while, but I forsee it becoming rather lonely.

Although, there is a girl who is moving in Thursday, Neisha, I met her today, and she might move into the room downstairs with me rather than go upstairs like she was assigned (the RD already said that would be fine if that's what we wanted to do) so we'll see what happens.

Well, my body is achy so I'm out.

Finally...

Well, I finally started packing. I'm reducing what I bring by at least half. Stuff is just a burden. Haul it up, acquire a ton more stuff while at school, drag it home. What a repetitive, needless process.

Church was... interesting today. Definitely different. Way out of my element. I joked around that I was so put off that I decided not to come back next week, and that infact, I wouldn't return until mid-October. A few people got the joke.

I got the opportunity to go to the Dunes today, which was wonderful because the House Church I go to while at Bethel had planned a beach day today, and I had been sad not to go with them. For a little while I sat a short distance away from everyone else and just let thoughts invade my mind. I enjoyed being alone for a little while, while still being able to maintain the comfort of knowing that I could end my alone time at any time.

Pete and Frank prayed for me today because I won't be able come on Tuesday. Mom and Dad want to leave ASAP. We're borrowing Christopher's car because it's more reliable and gets better gas mileage, so we need to have it back before 3pm. Plus they have things they need to do Tuesday anyway.

My dad is in a really bad mood right now. I don't know why. I hate feeling like an inconvenience, and that's how he makes me feel. But I guess anything that is not what he wants, regardless of whether it really inconveniences him or not, is an inconvenience. I'll just lay low until I go back to Bethel. Out of sight, out of mind, can't really stir up too much trouble then.

Sara is cutting my hair tomorrow. I've told her to envision something, that I'm giving her free reign to go wild. I trust her.

I checked my email today and one of my professors emailed me (my classes) to let the class know that he will be out of town on Thursday, so we won't have those classes until Tuesday. The funny thing is that the only classes I have on Thursday are the ones that were canceled. Hehe.

Oh... anyway. that's all. I don't want to make this entry too much longer or no one will read it.

Blah

Poo. I'm not feeling motivation to get anything done. I haven't even started packing to go back to Bethel or anything.

And I'm feeling angry, and some other unpleasant emotions as well. I don't like it.

Colossians 3:8
But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.

and

Colossians 3:12-114
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Yeah... I know. I don't like feeling this way, but I can't help it. Really.

I'm excited for Pamper Night, though. And I hope the women who come are blessed by it.

Virtual Makeover!

Why?

Because I felt like it.

thank www.makeoversolutions.com

Oh... they don't let you right click and save, but the way around that is to take a screen shot of your picture by pressing ctrl/print screen and opening up paint, click and press ctrl/v. It will paste the picture into paint where you can crop it and save it.

:-) I'm so smart, lol.

Today I realized:

*that I don't understand theft. A few days ago, two projectors were stolen from the church and this morning someone stole my brother's (Josh) moped. I kept thinking 'why would they steal his moped? Don't they realize that his moped is his only source of transportation? Don't they realize that he's not even done paying for it yet? Don't they know what they're doing to my brother?' But then the thought occured to me. Of course they don't realize it, but even if they did, they wouldn't care. Understanding the situation wouldn't change anything... and my heart broke for humanity. I don't understand theft. I just don't get it.

*that I'm afraid to be alone in my room this semester. I'm okay that both of the people I was supposed to room with have decided not to return to Bethel, but I don't think either one of them called to inform Bethel. Bethel hasn't sent me anything in regards to new roommates or new living situations. If they didn't notify Bethel that they're not returning, that means Bethel won't assign me new roommates, probably until next semester. I suppose the thought of having my own room should be exciting, but I lived alone for about 12 weeks my freshman year. It has some great perks, but I also know how quickly it gets lonely.

*that if I could go back and change anything about my internship this summer, one of my top priorities would be to change how I related to my field supervisor. I need to talk to him about it. Maybe. We'll see.

*that I'm not ready to return to Bethel. I don't know why. It could be that this will be my fifth year. It could be that everything hasn't fallen into place the way it has in the past four years. It could be that I'm concerned about possibly living alone, or about all my friends having graduated. It could be that I've lost financial aid, and I don't know how I'm going to pay for all my schooling. Maybe it's... It could be any number of things.

Today is one of 'those' days. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, but what for? What reason do I possibly have to be overwhelmed? I'm being serious.

God, when you give my heart dreams, is that all they are? Or is there something tangible to look forward to?

poo, I'm out.

Give Me Your Eyes

One of the things Ive spent the past few years asking is that God would help me to see through His eyes. I found this song tonight and it resonated with me.

"Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Was it far beyond my reach?
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see"

May it ever be my prayer.

Where is He taking me?

What do you say when your mind is reeling with thoughts? What's most important? What really matters?

I found out today that both of the people I was planning to room with this fall are not returning to Bethel.

The funny thing is that I'm not in the least bit stressed out or bothered by that. I'm actually... quite amused. I've had thoughts about not returning to Bethel myself, so it's funny to me that both of the people I was intending on rooming with have made the decision not to return.

So here I am again, face to face with the decision: Do I return to Bethel or not? I feel like I'm sort of sitting in default mode. The plan is to return to Bethel unless I recieve clear direction from God not to go back. But I almost feel like I still have to make the decision to either return or not, as though saying "I will return to Bethel unless..." isn't really a decision to go back. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
I've just... I'm not worried about it, at least not on a grand level. I think there's more of a curiosity. If I don't go back, what new and exciting direction will God take me?

I don't regret the past four years because I don't think I would be where I am now without them. But I also know I can't stay where I am now. It's the constant movement of my life and relationship with God. Where is He taking me? We'll see.

I've been reading through Colossians for the past few weeks. It's a short letter, so I've been through it several times (sometimes even several times in one day. It intrigues me), but I can't seem to get away from it. I'm having trouble... moving on. It's not that it's hard to understand, because it's not. It's very straight forward. But everytime I go through it, I find something else that sticks out to me... or I'm hit by the same truth again. I guess I'll just keep going through it until it's permeated through me.

I love this description of Christ:

We look at this Son

.....and see the God who cannot be seen.

We look at this Son

.....and see God's original purpose in everything created.

Christ is the one through whom God created

.....everything in heaven and earth.

He made the things we can see and the things we can't see –

.....kings, kingdoms, rulers, and authorities.

Everything has been created through him and for him.

He is before all things,

.....and in him all things hold together.

For God in all his fullness was pleased to live in Christ,

.....and by him God reconciled everything to himself.

He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth

.....by means of his blood on the cross.

.

Colossians 1:15-20 (mixed translations)

I asked God to give me wisdom and he made me a fool.

O LORD, how long will you forget me?

Forever? How long will you look the other way?

How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,

with sorrow in my heart every day?

How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

Turn and answer me, O LORD my God!

Restore the light to my eyes, or I will die.

Don't let my enemies gloat, saying, "We have defeated him!"

Don't let them rejoice at my downfall.

But I trust in your unfailing love.

I will rejoice because you have rescued me.

I will sing to the LORD because he has been so good to me.

.

"...Is all my dreaming at an end

or do you still wait for me dreamgiver..."

Only Hope

The loss of hope is death to the soul.




This is a song from A Walk to Remember called Only Hope. The more I hear this song, the more I believe that it was not written to be a song that this girl sings to her lover, but rather a song the girls sing to the lover of her soul.

More and more I find this song to be my hearts cry to the lover of my soul.

Pay It Forward

I just watched Pay It Forward... I loved the movie, except for the ending. The ending broke my heart but it reminded me of the Bridge Builders meeting today, we were looking at the hard passages of 1 Peter 2:13-3:22... the passages about submission to rulers and masters, slaves, husbands, wives, unjust suffering, etc., and the study got really intense because we started talking about some stuff that's really hard to accept, but Pete explained: the bottom line is that the Salvation of the person we are in contact with is a higher priority than our own happiness to the point of unjust suffering and even death.

That's hard to take in... it was especially hard for one person who was there. But Ive been trying to take in the message and really consider it because there was something important in it that resonated with me, and I've found myself running into the same application several times since then today. In Pay It Forward, even though the movie is not really about the Kingdom of God or bringing a person to Christ, I see the very concept of paying it forward is what the Kingdom is... it is love. It touched me. I hope the Pay it Forward movement isn't just about creating organizations (www.payitforwardfoundation.com you'll find the foundations started here) but I hope the concept is embodied within the very lives of people everywhere. The Kingdom on earth is possible, and it's closer than ever.