Another Face lost in the Crowd, Another soul too jaded to hang around....

Okay, let me be blunt.  After talking with a friend tonight about church, I realized that there are so many things about Life Bridge that I love, but relationally, I feel like I'm starving.

Let me be clear. This is not a new feeling. I don't have these feeling just because I spoke with my friend tonight who Pursued a Different Church Body for exactly that reason.   I spent the first few years at Life Bridge going back and forth to College. If there was a relational disconnect, I was not in a place that I would have been too concerned or noticed. But then... After I left Bethel and started going to church consistently, I was looking for those relationships and I didn't find a lot of them.

Then slowly, one by one people started being called to other churches, the few people I had relationships with, over this past few years started leaving.

So in 2009, I left to work for Camfel Productions and really felt the disconnect. I tried to stay connected to Life Bridge, sending post cards and letters... Tammy called me, and Becca wrote back to me, but I was otherwise unheeded. Out of site out of mind.

I've disconnected since then.   I've gone through incredible depression, loneliness, and junk that hasn't changed much, but I've been trying so hard to feel connected and right, and while things have  improved slighly in my own mind, and with my small group. I still feel terribly disconnected.

The thing that talking with my friend did do, was give me the mind to start praying about whether God wants me to stay at Life Bridge or seek fellowship (ultimitely relationships) somewhere else.

I will admit I have searched other churches online. The thing is that there is so much I love about LifeBridge that I don't want to give up. But I want more an idea of nurturing relationships, I want the practice of it and it's exhausting when you try to be relational and no one responds.

I wonder if this is the struggle my friend  Josh had/is having.

So I will continue to pray.

Lonliness and Spiders...

AnAH :OiuJA Po AkKApaoi AHH jaioajh AUO NHhjhkA A;lkAJPOIgj!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let that express how I am feeling. What does it say? Your guess is as good as mine. I'm having another one of those days when there is such a surge of emotion that I don't even know what they are, I just... feel.

I am in a lonely time. I miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss my other family at Life Bridge. It's weird being a 5th year student. Most of the people I came in with graduated and now they're not here. Most of my friends graduated. I know that I have a great opportunity to make new friends this year, and I have been, but there is no one like the friends you make and take with you freshman year. I just feel like this is going to be a long year.


So.... on Saturday night, Bethel had a bonfire and smores (i heart smores), and on the way there I passes by this low hanging limb on a tree and saw a HUGE albino spider making a web. It was fascinating, so I took a picture. I took several pictures. This picture... my hand was literally 4 inches away from the spider. Terrifying.

I hate spiders.

On the other hand, I have finally gone to all my classes at least once. I've been here a week. I survived a week.

My Senior Seminar in Youth Ministry Class is going to KILL me. Well, okay, not really, I'm being dramatic. But it is going to be a challenge. We have to write a graduate level paper that will reflect all the classes we've taken in the youth ministry program... This is a class you're supposed to take senior year when you've had a chance to take all the classes. I've only had three, and one of them I'm retaking because it was an upperlevel class that usually people have had most of their YM classes at this point and it was way over my head... This paper is worth 50 percent of our grade.

I think all of my classes will be good classes, challenging, but good.

Gosh, I feel like I have so much to say, but very little time to actually say it.

Today I realized:

*that I don't understand theft. A few days ago, two projectors were stolen from the church and this morning someone stole my brother's (Josh) moped. I kept thinking 'why would they steal his moped? Don't they realize that his moped is his only source of transportation? Don't they realize that he's not even done paying for it yet? Don't they know what they're doing to my brother?' But then the thought occured to me. Of course they don't realize it, but even if they did, they wouldn't care. Understanding the situation wouldn't change anything... and my heart broke for humanity. I don't understand theft. I just don't get it.

*that I'm afraid to be alone in my room this semester. I'm okay that both of the people I was supposed to room with have decided not to return to Bethel, but I don't think either one of them called to inform Bethel. Bethel hasn't sent me anything in regards to new roommates or new living situations. If they didn't notify Bethel that they're not returning, that means Bethel won't assign me new roommates, probably until next semester. I suppose the thought of having my own room should be exciting, but I lived alone for about 12 weeks my freshman year. It has some great perks, but I also know how quickly it gets lonely.

*that if I could go back and change anything about my internship this summer, one of my top priorities would be to change how I related to my field supervisor. I need to talk to him about it. Maybe. We'll see.

*that I'm not ready to return to Bethel. I don't know why. It could be that this will be my fifth year. It could be that everything hasn't fallen into place the way it has in the past four years. It could be that I'm concerned about possibly living alone, or about all my friends having graduated. It could be that I've lost financial aid, and I don't know how I'm going to pay for all my schooling. Maybe it's... It could be any number of things.

Today is one of 'those' days. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, but what for? What reason do I possibly have to be overwhelmed? I'm being serious.

God, when you give my heart dreams, is that all they are? Or is there something tangible to look forward to?

poo, I'm out.