Door Closed.

It's 2am and I am hiding out in the bathroom.  Why? I just feel like it.  It's quiet and I can be alone for a little while. I just hope no one has to use the bathroom any time soon.

I just want some time. I am beyond tired right now, but I am not ready to sleep yet because I just need some time.  I wish it were warmer, because then I would just sit outside with my laptop and enjoy the spring/summer nights.

I checked my email when I got home from dropping Rachel off and I had a letter from the job I was supposed to interiew with saying that they basically weren't going to hire me. I haven't even had the interview yet. It was supposed to be at 3pm today. but I guess thats okay because I didn't really think i was qualified for the job anyway.

Do you ever wonder what God is up to? Ofcourse you probably do. Know one really fully knows the mind of God, do they?

I wonder what opportunities He is going to open for me now... and how many more He is going to close before He opens the door I can walk through.

I do now want to be unemployed for the next 5 months, so please, God, open doors for me and provide.

I guess that's all really. I'm too tired to do any more.

Home Again

Wow. It has only been since Friday that my employment with Camfel Productions has ended but it feels like a month ago.  That may be that I just checked out mentally after we got the news.

But that's okay, I see such an opportunity right now for me to cultivate the relationships I've been yearning for.

Today I brought Brandy with me to church, and tomorrow Rachel and I are going to the twenty-somethings group.  Then on Tuesday I have an interview at 3pm.  

Waiting on God to lead...

I am Sad, but I'm not disappointed.

I guess today was the "ides of March" and it completely passed me unaware. That would be funny if the same thing happened on St. Patty's day. Although we will be making our way to Chicago at that point, so it might be hard to forget.

It's been a long week, but I have some news.

It's more than me getting the process of returning to Bethel started. (I already made mention of that).

I was recently laid off from work.  Now this not necessarily a bad thing. How many times have I said my heart was no longer with Camfel Productions.  And despite my heart longing for other things, I stuck to my committment to excellency over adequacy.  Katey and I found out on Thursday when I called the team leader to do my weekly call in. He let us know then.  It sounded like he was having a hard time telling us. But we were assured that the reason we were being let go was due to the economy. It's actually been this way for some time now that schools have not been ordering shows. The company has scrunched schedules together, and we really just have nothing scheduled for us after this Friday.

My team leader was very adamant in the fact that we have done nothing wrong and that he believes Katey and I are excellent Technicians. We were not the first team to go, and we won't be the last. He even said he would personally write letters of reference to each job that we applied to, and that if we should ever decide to return to Camfel, our applications would be a formality and we would already have the job. 

I thought I would be disappointed, even though I have been desiring to do something else because I was fully prepared to wait until June. I even wanted to wait until June because I wanted to stick to my committments and my contract had me going until June.  But I found that disappointment was actually quite the opposite of what I was feeling.  I was at peace.  While it is true that I am certainly experiencing some sadness (I had some great adventures and learning experiences with Camfel), there is no disappointment.

I have this sense... I have been thinking about this... I went into Camfel Productions knowing and believing that God had me there for a reason, He was teaching me and changing me, perhaps even restoring me.... and now "It is finished." are the words I keep hearing in my heart.

You know, it really didn't even dawn on me until I had typed the words just now that part of my reason for going to Camfel was for restoration, for healing.  It makes sense that there is a point that everything had to be stripped away from me. Whether by my choice to give it up or by force, I had to be left with nothing for a time. I had to learn to rely on God more deeply and I had to give Him room He wanted to work in me and through me.

The wonderful thing is that I do feel like I have been restored, that I have gone from broken to beautiful.   That peices of the puzzle that were not in place before have found their connection and I am a whole being, complete in the image of God.

I realized that I've been laughing again.  Truly laughing! I'm not afraid to be a little silly. I feel like me again!

I also feel that I have been refined. I have been through the desert and the jagged edges of me have been smoothed away by the sand to reveal the glory and imagine of God. I know who I belong to, my convictions stand stronger and more powerful than they ever have. Jesus is my Lord and I belong to Him.

I find it slightly ironic that just a few days before I spoke with my teamleader, I had started filling out applications for places like the boys and girls club.

God has His hand on me and on my tour partner and He is leading us each step of the way. 

I wonder what he has in store for me next. Certainly, I am sure He will be watching to see if I pursue the ministry and relationships I desired that working with Camfel would not allow me to have.

Returning to College

I feel almost like a prodigal child planning my return home, except I'm not wallowing in shame, I'm full of determination. I'm feeling stronger than before... and wiser, more focused, more goal oriented.

So Im not back in college yet, but the process has been set in motion, and I'm excited for that.

Jeremy Higgins

I knew Jeremy and his family through the church I attended when I was younger.  I didn't really have any contact with them after my family moved, but this is still important. So I just wanted to pass it on with the verication that this is a real person and a real situation, and not just some forward I'm posting in my blog

It's not... but it is.

It's interesting, the way things seem to turn... I wrote a letter to a group of people and mailed it today, and in some of it, I was talking about how I feel ineffective in ministry, and how I want to be more relational.  Well, today the two guys who helped us set up for the assembly just opened up to us right away, then after the first assembly a junior high school student came up to me and said Thank You and hugged me.  It was a little strange because I was unsure whether I was suppose to hug him back or not (schools get weird about that), so I did the sort of half hug pat you on the back hug. 

Then after the second assembly, a girl walked up to me and started talking about how she was bullied in Middle School and how now she stands up for people being bullied. I told her the school needs more people like her. 

It was the first time in a while that I felt like our video was actually making an impact.  I mean, I'm sure that the video impacts people more than we can know, but there seemed to be a lot of response today. Today felt like a very relational day. Of course, there isn't much of an opportunity to follow up on the people we talk to, but for the moment, I hope they see that I can be someone who cares because I don't just forget about them after we leave the school.

On another note, Katey and I tried out the couch surfers website, and we had a positive experience. We stayed with a married couple with three young boys last night in Muncie, IN. It was great to be able to meet them (except we didn't meet the boys, they were in bed). They were curious about what it is that we do and we had some great converstations.  And I'm still alive to tell the tale, so that's a plus. 

I'm really excited that tomorrow I get to sleep in.  I don't have to get up until 6am!!!  Over the past few days, we've had to leave the places we were staying by 5:15am. I normally give myself half an hour, so I am going to get an extra hour and a half to sleep, which is good, because I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. I think I've been averaging between 5 and 6 hours on most days, which is not terrible, but day after day of doing this, and you really start to feel it (hey, that can help explain the mood swings too!).  Then also, Katey read something that was along the lines of: for every 4 hours of driving you do, you need an extra hour of sleep in addition to the 8 hours you're already supposed to be getting. I laughed because we regularly drive 4 or more hours in a day.

Anyway, I have to wake up in 7 hours and 15 minutes, so it might be time to say goodnight.