I am Sad, but I'm not disappointed.

I guess today was the "ides of March" and it completely passed me unaware. That would be funny if the same thing happened on St. Patty's day. Although we will be making our way to Chicago at that point, so it might be hard to forget.

It's been a long week, but I have some news.

It's more than me getting the process of returning to Bethel started. (I already made mention of that).

I was recently laid off from work.  Now this not necessarily a bad thing. How many times have I said my heart was no longer with Camfel Productions.  And despite my heart longing for other things, I stuck to my committment to excellency over adequacy.  Katey and I found out on Thursday when I called the team leader to do my weekly call in. He let us know then.  It sounded like he was having a hard time telling us. But we were assured that the reason we were being let go was due to the economy. It's actually been this way for some time now that schools have not been ordering shows. The company has scrunched schedules together, and we really just have nothing scheduled for us after this Friday.

My team leader was very adamant in the fact that we have done nothing wrong and that he believes Katey and I are excellent Technicians. We were not the first team to go, and we won't be the last. He even said he would personally write letters of reference to each job that we applied to, and that if we should ever decide to return to Camfel, our applications would be a formality and we would already have the job. 

I thought I would be disappointed, even though I have been desiring to do something else because I was fully prepared to wait until June. I even wanted to wait until June because I wanted to stick to my committments and my contract had me going until June.  But I found that disappointment was actually quite the opposite of what I was feeling.  I was at peace.  While it is true that I am certainly experiencing some sadness (I had some great adventures and learning experiences with Camfel), there is no disappointment.

I have this sense... I have been thinking about this... I went into Camfel Productions knowing and believing that God had me there for a reason, He was teaching me and changing me, perhaps even restoring me.... and now "It is finished." are the words I keep hearing in my heart.

You know, it really didn't even dawn on me until I had typed the words just now that part of my reason for going to Camfel was for restoration, for healing.  It makes sense that there is a point that everything had to be stripped away from me. Whether by my choice to give it up or by force, I had to be left with nothing for a time. I had to learn to rely on God more deeply and I had to give Him room He wanted to work in me and through me.

The wonderful thing is that I do feel like I have been restored, that I have gone from broken to beautiful.   That peices of the puzzle that were not in place before have found their connection and I am a whole being, complete in the image of God.

I realized that I've been laughing again.  Truly laughing! I'm not afraid to be a little silly. I feel like me again!

I also feel that I have been refined. I have been through the desert and the jagged edges of me have been smoothed away by the sand to reveal the glory and imagine of God. I know who I belong to, my convictions stand stronger and more powerful than they ever have. Jesus is my Lord and I belong to Him.

I find it slightly ironic that just a few days before I spoke with my teamleader, I had started filling out applications for places like the boys and girls club.

God has His hand on me and on my tour partner and He is leading us each step of the way. 

I wonder what he has in store for me next. Certainly, I am sure He will be watching to see if I pursue the ministry and relationships I desired that working with Camfel would not allow me to have.