Introspective Reflection?

It's that time again... That time when I start thinking about what life is to me, who I am, etcetera, etcetera.

One thing that has been really pressing me lately is my desire for adventure.  I might even go so far as to call it a need. Mixed with that desire for adventure is a reluctancy... a fear of being stuck in one place for too long.

I guess I kind of just like to be on the move.

Ive actually thought about this and I believe if I were given the choice between security and adventure, I would choose adventure hands down.

So of course when my work makes jokes about me never leaving my position in the Art Room (even though I have no desires or plans to do so in the near future) it makes me feel trapped.

I know I am not where I could be. I don't know that I am where I should be. I have had opportunities opportunities come up that I believe I may want to seriously consider, but I am so loyal to both the club and kidstop that, even if I would stay where I am for the next few years, the thought of ever leaving either position fills me with incredible and immense guilt.  And I still feel trapped.

I know I am not irreplaceable. Life will indeed go on if I left the position and they would find someone to replace me.  So why all the guilt?  I don't know.

I am currently pending a position with Opportunity Enterprises.  I should find out on Tuesday if they hire me or not.  But you know what?  I don't really want the position.  I mean, it's nothing about the work or type of work itself. It's the complications that would come with working two jobs that I don't know would work around eachother.

I know one would have to take priority over another.  I guess thats the thing about employment though...  Despite the type of company or the mission, I, as the employee, do not matter a whole lot in the grand scheme of things.   What I mean by that is that I have a purpose to complete. If I don't complete my purpose, it doesn't matter what is going on in my life or what struggles I may be having, I will be replaced.

There will be no tolerance, no helping me through the problem, no assistance to continue my education or anything. The company will do only what is legally required of them. Maybe I'm wrong, though.

I don't want there to be a tug of war between my employers.

On another side of things, I've been finding it increasingly difficult to take care of myself lately.  Personal heigene: unwashed clothes, showers not as frequent as I would like (both due to the guilt incited because of the resulting bill from showering every day and washing clothes every week), tooth brush needs replaced, lack of certain very personal heigene products. It bothers me.

I miss the purity of Bethel College, and since I've been living in this situation for so long, I feel trapped, like things are never going to change.

Ive had opportunities presented to me that I would be interested in doing, but don't know that I can for whatever reason.

I feel stuck.

But beyond circumstantial issues, what reason do I have to feel stuck?  Only the fact that I have no idea where I am going in this life. No idea what I really want to do.  And No idea what God has is calling me to do.

I've been trying hard to get out of the rut I'm in and seek what it is God has for me. I am still unclear.  I expect that God will lead me and I will do my best to follow Him and hear what he has to say to me.