Words on a Page.

I went outside to put a letter in the mailbox and had this feeling like I had to watch my back. When I came back in the house, I realized that my family has been watching a scary movie about a corn field and a scare crow the entire time I was writing the letter. The subconscious mind is amazing, isn't it.

Anyway. I've been in and out of irritated, frustrated, angry, depressed, and weepy moods for the past month or so. It has been this incredible emotional rollercoaster ride.  I won't deny that I have not been very happy lately for a number of reasons, but Im trying so hard to pull myself out of it.

I remember back in high school, people actually told me I smiled too much. I want that back. I want joy to radiate from me. I want to be a person who is so full of joy, no matter what is going on in my life, people are drawn to me.  I don't know what happened or how to get it back.

My family has been looking for a new place to live. We have been living in this 2 bedroom house for too long, and we want something that is in better condition.

I really hope that we get a 4 bedroom house so everyone can have their own room and my parents don't have to sleep in the living room anymore. I really want them to be able to have their own room again.
I'm also really excited about the prospect of having my own room too. I feel like I've almost forgotten what it's like. I have been immersed in living like a guest for so long.

I'm also excited about having central air/heat. We've been heating our house using our stove top burners for the past 8 years.

I'm excited about having windows and sitting my house plants in front of them and letting them grow by the light of the window.

I'm excited about having a closet to hang my clothes. And to plug my phone into an outlet in the wall without worrying about where its

I'm excited about a lot of things, but they are all still in waiting right now.  Sometimes hope seems so far off. My family has been through so many negative things in our life, it seems almost impossible that anything good can happen to us. But I still hold on to hope, and I dream, and I try to make it happen.

Today I was reading my Bible and I read in 1Timothy 6.  In verse 17, it says "Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in weath, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment."

Did you catch that last part?  "For our enjoyment"... I have read this Scripture many times. I know not to be a lover of money. I try not to be a lover of money (which can be difficult when the present god of this age is money rather than the true God), and I try to put my hope in God. Lets just say, I am familiar with this verse.But this morning as I read it, I could not help but be surprised because that phrase never stuck out to me before.

What an amazing thing to think that God not only provides for our basic needs but also for our enjoyment.  It kind of makes you think about the whole love of money thing in a different light.  Like it just seems silly to be hung up about money, or to even worry about it.

I know other scripture in Matthw 6 that says not to worry about what you eat, drink, or wear, because God knows what you need, and He will provide it as just as He provides for the birds of the air. I've meditated on these Scriptures before knowing I shouldn't worry about the things I need because God is God, but for my enjoyment!!! That is exciting!!! It brings to life the illustration of God as a Father caring for His children.

I've been reading my Bible consistently lately. This has been something that I have had a hard time with most of my life. But I've been leaving early for work so that I get there between 6am and 6:05 am and I sit there and I read my Bible and then spend a few minutes praying. So far I've read through 1 Corinthians and 1 and 2 Timothy. I think I might stay in 1 and 2 Timothy for a little while.

Well, it's 10:30. I should have been in bed already, so it's time for me to sign off.

Goodnight.

Labor Day Sucks

Life is just like this eternal struggle into nothingness. Or at least sometimes that is how it seems.

Yesterday evening was terrible for me. The details don't really matter.  Today was rather low key , but it's more like there is a spirit of depression sitting over me. I don't feel well. I'm fine physically, I am just not doing well emotionally.  The funny thing is that when a person is feeling bad for so long, the desire to feel better seems to go away. I feel almost resigned to say this is my life and embrace it.  Why feel better when nothing ever changes? We know that the logic is really screwy, but we dont feel it.

I resent Labor Day right now. I could have gone to work and earned a few more hours for my paycheck, but the real reason I resent it is because people are taking the Labor Day weekend and going to visit people. As a result hardly anyone was around to have group, so we didn't. I know it's not about me but I felt like I really needed to go to group tonight.   I'm not really close with anyone in the group, it's just kind of like it's a place to fit. It's something outside of my house, with people other than those I live with, whose hearts beat for a similar passion.

I just didn't want to be alone. At my house, I am alone all the time, even though people are always here. Its lonely here.

Beauty Analysis?

I am using the internet to tell me how beautiful I am. http://www.anaface.com/ if you want to torture yourself.

Apparently my eyes are too far apart and my nose is too wide. I laughed as I sat here and read my results to my mom.

It reminds me of a book series I started reading called Pretties. The story line centers around a society where when people turn 16 they have plastic surgery to make them "pretty".  they are all basically made to look the same, but the kids look forward to this day and long for it.  

It's a point of standardized beauty, where certain criteria have to be met. Your nose can only be so big, your eyes should sit only so far apart, your ear to nose ratio has to be just right. If you your proportions aren't symetrical, you are ugly.

Even though I know the book is fiction based (although, I do believe the author is purposely addressing a very real issue in our society), I see this standard of beauty showing up in nearly everything I encounter. I mean, I was just able to do a beauty analysis on my own face, doesn't that say something? 

I guess my question is   Why is symmetry considered beautiful? and who determines what is beautiful anyway?

You, my friends, are beautiful to me, no matter what anyone else says, and I know that God calls me beautiful no matter what else the world may say.

Peace be with you!

Huge

There is an ABC Family series that started a few weeks ago called Huge. It's a series about several people who have found themselves in "Fat Camp". I caught the premiere and decided to watch it for a few episodes to see if I like it or not. Amidst finding myself irritated over one character or another every single episode, I find myself growing increasingly fond of the show. I think its because I find myself emotionally connecting with each episode, and with different characters in different ways. But mostly I look at emotions and events in the show and it seems so real to me. There is real pain, there is real struggle, and there are real failures, successes, and everything.  Let me explain this further:

The most recent episode centered around the first weigh in of the camp season. Undoubtedly an intensely emotional time for everyone.

During the episode, one guy was goofing around and twice got busted by this dictator-like work out insructor. She got in his face, yelled at him, embarrassed him, told him he wasn't trying and asked if he wanted to be there, to which he meekly replied yes.   Ouch.

Several people went to the scales and found out that they had only lost one or two pounds at best.  A few of them specifically were very upset.  "All this hard work and I've only lost one pound?" one asked.  Another asked, "Why is this so hard?" and his friend replied something like "because we've got so much more to go."

Another girl, one of the main characters, Willamina (Will), the obstinate rebel who didn't want to be there to begin with, was very put off, as she has been the entire season, that people are buying into "a load of crap" that worth and beauty are determined by a number on a scale or the size of your waist. She has been very adamant that she should not have to change what she looks like to be acceptable to anyone.

and so on...

I suppose to some people this show is just another sob story, but to others who have spent their entires lives struggling with their weight and the stigma's attatched to them, it's real.  And I absolutely love that there is a series like.


I know my own struggles with my weght have been very trying with a few highs, and many low lows. I'm not into offering excuses for myself, but I guess my hope is that for a moment people like those who tormented me  nd others over our weight our entire lives would see an episode and get a glimpse of what its like, nd then maybe they would have a little mercy.
I know I'm a dreamer, but can you blame me?

Insignificant Prayers

Today I was overcome with sadness because of a conversation I heard at work.   As the kidstop kids and I were heading to the computer lab, I heard the club staff laughing and sharing a story. One of the club staff is an ordained minister and he was telling a story from Church. 

It went something like this: Prayer Request were being taken at church, in the midst of prayers for dying uncle, cancer patients, families suffering divorce, etc, a little girl pipes up and asks for prayer for her cat.

Anyway they were laughing about it and joking about how kids say the darndest things, and passing the duct tape to the parent.

I couldn't help myself, I spoke up and said "Doesn't God care about them all the same?" And the response I got was something like yeah, some people wouldn't see it that way.

I left the conversation at that, but there is so much I wish I would have said, and a few things I am glad I didn't. I know that I was still on the clock during the conversation so I don't know how much I could have said anyway.  But either way, I am saddened by the lack of value placed on a childs prayer.

So we dont pray for animals because there are more important things to pray about?

That is so like us... isn't it?  To prioritize and qualify prayer needs...

Why? By requesting prayer for that cat, that little girl was learning to trust God in all areas of her life, for the 'big things' and the 'small things.'  If we can't trust God with the 'small things' why would we bring the 'big things' to him? Also, who's to say that this cat isn't as important in this little girls life as any member of her family, or a dying cancer patient or distressed family? We all place value on different things.  By saying this kids prayer is not as important anyone elses invalidates not only the childs feelings, but our own God as well. We serve a God who is big enough to handle prayers about all sorts of things, there is no quota, no waiting list to be heard, no order of importance... God hears all of our prayers and He is perfectly capable of answering each and every  one according to His Purposes.

Furthermore Jesus rebuked his disciples for rebuking those who brought their children for Him to lay hands on, and he said in Matthew 19:14 "Let the children come to me. Dont stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children."

And another time, when asked who would be the greatest in Kingdom, Jesus replied in Matthew 18: 3-4  "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.  Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. "

Little children pray and want prayer for 'insignificant' things. Maybe we should all take note.

By the way, if you reply to this, please don't judge or belittle my coworkers, that was not my intentions. It was just an issue that weighed heavy on my heart.