I've been feeling it coming on for a little while... I feel like I'm changing. Or maybe I'm just getting in touch with who I really am. It's a mystery to me.

Lately, I have noticed that I feel very antisocial most of the time.  Sometimes I just want to get away and be by myself, even if I am doing nothing at all.

I used to thrive on being around people, not so much anymore. I still enjoy being around people, but I've been really valuing and appreciating the times when I am by myself.

It feels calmer... more serene.  I find peace in it.

"Be still and know that I am God."

Maybe that's what it's all about.

I was reading my Bible last night and  I was in Genesis reading through a lot of Abrahams story and I was struck with a realization.  It seemed that it was an honor and a blessing for a guest to stay at your house. This was such a revelation for me because I think a lot of times people look at having a guest either as a burden or an opportunity for ministry. And I think at times it can truly be both.

But what a way to look at hospitality though... Instead of being the blesser or the burdened, it was like a  special privilege to have someone stay with you.

I don't think I have the gift of hospitality, but imagine how amazing it would be to carry that perspective.  Maybe people who have the gift of hospitality do think that way. I don't know. But I think the idea is beautiful.

 I've also been thinking a lot about my role as a guest in people's houses.  I think a lot of times I feel extremely uncomfortable and I feel like a burden. I fear that I will say something or do something that will offend the host.  I think that probably stems back to when I was ten years old. I was at a friends house for a birthday party sleep over and my friends dad looked at me and said "You know what I've noticed about you, you're really rude." 

He later apologized to me for saying it, but I wasn't sure what I had done to offend him, and ever since  I've always felt uncomfortable being a guest in someone's house, especially overnight.

Anyway, I wonder, how I as a guest can make the host feel as though having me in their house was a blessing to them.

Supersize Me

Anytime I feel like I need motivation to eat and be healthier, I can watch Supersize Me and suddenly I am very inspired and health conscious.   My work partner, Katey, and I are watching it right now.  I feel sick watching him eat it all.

It seems crazy to me how eating fast food effected even the persons mood. I believe it. It's just an eye opener.  Fast food has addictive tendencies.

I think that is one of the reasons I am glad that we have had free housing for the past ten days. Just about everyone who has housed us has cooked for us. Last night we had veggi soup, thanks to a friend parents who housed us.  :-)

Katey and I have also made it important to work out together at least 3 times a week. I have a 30 minute (Turbo Charged Fat Burner) tae bo video  and a 90 minute aerobic and cardio workout, and Katey has a 3-mile walking program.

sigh

I think for me silence is a part of the fight or flight response. When I dont feel comfortable where I am, I am silent. It's the flight part of the response, only I cant truly flee or remove myself from the situation at hand, but I can figuratively by being quiet. Silence in essence, makes me disappear, it lets me go unnoticed. If I go unnoticed then I cant bother anyone. If no one is bothered by me then they cant reject me. So silence is my defense mechanism.

And all I can hear is blah blah blah...

I hate packing.  Have I ever mentioned that before? Well, it's true.  I think that probably stems from packing so much during my life. Moving to another house, another school, going to college, coming home again. To me it is overwhelming.  Even when all I have to do is wash my clothes, fold them, and put them in my suitcase.  Overwhelming. It's probably overwhelming because there is a part of me that does not want to leave.

I'm not dreading going back on the road. I'm sure once I get going it will be a welcome change. But I am very comfortable where I am at right now (well, mostly... I'd be better with my own apartment).  I guess the thing is that I've had my grand adventure. I've done my traveling. I don't think it's all out of my system yet, I think I will always be a little wild, but a part of me desires something a little more steady, and... dare I say it?... predictable.

I like going to the same church twice. I like going to the same Bible study every week (I just like going to a Bible study at all!)  This past Monday I brought my friend Rachel to a Bible study group I attend when I'm home. She really liked it. Even though we needed to leave and meet up with Christine (because Christine was taking her home) she wanted to stay longer, and she wants to come back again.  I just feel like if Iwere more permanently in Valpo, I could bring her every week with me.

I know that working for Camfel is pretty much living ministry, but I feel myself being drawn to a more relational ministry where I see the same people over again and can build relationships with them. 

One of the really great things about Camfel is that my first ministry is to my tour partner. That is definitely relational ministry, but it's different than where I feel like I need to be, or will need to be.  I believe whole heartedly that God brought me to Camfel, so I know that I am right where He wants me. In June (ish?) when my contract ends, that may change.  I will definitely work for Camfel again if God wants me to stay.

I really want to get my degree in Youth Ministry and Adolescent Studies.  Part of that could be that I just miss doing homework. I am too weird, I know. I see a whole world of opportunities opening up for me just by getting a degree. I don't think it matters what degree I get. My opportunities seem greater just by having one. But I want the one in Youth Ministry.  I don't know where I will go with that degree... Facilitate a youth ministry... work for a para-church organization... be a dorm mom... continue with Camfel Productions... work at KFC and do living ministry...  I hope all of my ministry is living ministry.

I just want to be effective. It would be nice to see tangible results every now and then... to know that I'm making a difference, to know that people are seeing that God loves them so much and wants to be in a relationship with them... to see people realize that this life is not the end, that something greater exists and they have access to it, not just when they die, but here and now... The Tangible Kingdom...
I don't see the growth of students because I don't usually see them more than once.

"Sometimes one of the most Spiritual things you can do is take a nap"

Have you ever been so tired that when your alarm clock went off in the morning you wanted to cry.  That happened to me twice today. I haven't been sleeping very well since I've been home, I suppose that could be due to the fact that I don't have my own bed.  And because of one of our dogs, Nina...

Emotions were high today.  I was feeling very crabby, but right now I'm kind of in a mood where I just don't care anymore. sleep.....sigh.

So it's probably a good thing that I will be starting my tour five days early. I found out last Wednesday that I will be starting my tour this Wednesday.  It will be good to be working again. February might be a little rough money wise because I won't get a very large reimbursement (ten days worth?) and I'm not sure when my next pay is coming. But it's all good because I know that God is taking care of me.

So, on January 9 I started this read through the Bible in a Year thing on crosswalk.com, and it takes me through the Bible chronologically (cool!) and I have already missed a day. I am so lame.

My Personlity Profile

Agreeableness
CONSISTENTLY TAKING CARE OF OTHERS
"What can I do for you?" These words probably feel very natural to you. More than most people, you are genuinely interested in the well-being of others. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are attentive, trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in as straightforward and direct a manner as you can.
There may even be times when you put others' needs in front of your own. And you do so without the expectation of some reward or recognition. Yours is a different kind of compassion; you are genuinely tenderhearted and take pleasure in helping others while expecting little or nothing in return. For you, it's not tit-for-tat, you truly want to do things for others that will better their lives. You mean it when you ask, "What can I do for you?"

Openness
SOMETIMES CURIOUS, SOMETIMES CONTENT
Like someone who can sleep comfortably on either side of the bed, you are equally at home with ideas and beliefs that you have held for a long time and with new ways of thinking and believing that grow out of your intellectual curiosity.
Your sense of who you are and what your place is in the world around you rests on values and principles that are the solid ground you walk upon. You've tested them, they work for you, and much of the time you are content to trust them, that is, until some provocative new idea slips in from a conversation, book or some flight of your active imagination. "Hmmmm. What's this. Never thought of it before." And off you go, exploring.

Since you love to learn, you've always been teachable; you absorb new information, which means you are well-educated in things that matter to you. Sometimes your intellectual exploring will lead you back to where you started; the "next new thing" proves too shallow or impractical to you. But once in a while a new idea or belief will dislodge you from the ground you've stood upon; it is so compelling and persuasive that you step away from the tried-and-true and embrace this notion that is brand new to you.
Because you hold both solid beliefs and are open to new ideas, you are accepting of other people and other ways of thinking and believing. You are flexible enough to listen to something new and different, or something outside of your comfort zone; if it works for you, you'll take it in, and if not, you'll let it go. In this sense, you know who you are: you are neither closed-minded nor wildly open-minded, but walk somewhere near the middle of the intellectual road.
 
Emotional Stability
RESPONSIVE
You are an emotional person. In some ways, we are all emotional; we feel joy, anger, sadness and fear; some of us more powerfully than others - and you more powerfully than most. Your emotions are closer to the surface, and your feelings more obvious to you than is the case with most people. You've got your life in a good place, your dominant mood is upbeat, and unless life has been particularly trying for you, you greatly enjoy the richness and intensity of life that being so open with your emotions brings you.
Sure there are times when your feelings come very close to the surface, and life becomes more complicated. At these times you may grow self-conscious, or feel a bit anxious. But all in all, you much prefer being open with your emotions, breathing in all that life offers, than shutting down any part of your emotional experience. Granted, there may be times when these emotions are hard but you realize that is part of life. And more often than not you feel enriched by your emotions, by your ability to be open to all that life brings you. You know that even when you have those times that get you down, there will be even more times when you see life in ways that others just can't.
 
Contientiousness
FLEXIBLE
When there's a job to be done, like most people you want to know what the goal is and when it's to be completed. For you, that's a start. Next you want to know what the plan is to get to the goal. So you lay out a plan, or at least the major points of a plan: "Organize the kitchen sometime this spring" or "Get the project at work done as soon as possible." You don't need an in-depth specification of every little detail; in fact you prefer not to work that way. You lay out your goals, develop a general plan, and then you get things done.
You believe in intuition as well as organization. As such, you trust impulses as much as strategies and you value spontaneity as much as you do efficiency. In a word, you like to keep it flexible. When you set out to accomplish a task, you prefer to have some room to maneuver. Like an artist, you find that the best way to reach a goal is not always in a straight line. Some of the most productive times for you are the unplanned moments of inspiration and creativity that just come to you. While you do keep to a general plan, those times of pure vision and originality are what really drive you.
Some of the people who rely completely on an organized approach to getting things done may be surprised at your efficiency. But there is a definite method to your approach. With a creative flair that others may not have anticipated, the original plan gets met and there are often a few extra accomplishments along the way. Your comfort zone starts with a task and a plan but it also requires the freedom to be able to go with your instincts and impulses so that you can not just accomplish the task, you also have the option to explore something brand new along the way.
 
Extraversion
SOMETIMES OUTGOING, SOMETIMES RESERVED
Lucky you! You enjoy your own company as much as you enjoy the company of others. You are a great conversationalist and thrive in the wonderful kinds of connections you know how to have with your family and friends. You also equally enjoy your own company, whether sitting in a favorite chair with your book and soft music playing or meandering in the woods by yourself. You like coming home to your family or your roommate; but if no one is home, you find quiet, solitary time to be just as pleasurable. What a great combination to enjoy being outgoing and to be just as comfortable being reserved. Lucky you!!
Because you are so amiable and relaxed, you are comfortable with almost any group of family or friends. Whether they are pumped up and lively or calm and subdued, you remain at ease. If someone needs to take over the conversation, you are comfortable taking the lead; you can also lay back and let someone else be in charge. If the conversation gets rowdy, your moderate demeanor will often draw it down to a more temperate level. If someone in the group loses their cool, you will most likely maintain your poise, and if they get nasty you know how to keep a civil tongue.

You may find yourself out of balance on occasion. If you're alone too much, you may need to get in touch with someone. If you spend too much time with your family and friends, you may need to sneak off for a day by yourself, to putter and read and clear your head of the noise of too much conversation. When you're at your best, you live with a rhythm of time with others, time alone, time with others, time alone It's a satisfying, comfortable balance. Lucky you!
 
Well, this comprehensive personality profile came from eharmony.com.  No, I am not trying online dating. I just wanted to take te personality test.. I'm also going to retake the Myers-Briggs personality test will probably post my results.

Life Bridge Alive

I've come close to posting a blog update three times since I last posted. I have deleted each one. I guess it was simply because I had nothing of any value to offer to the people who read my blog. But I guess that's okay because I don't write for people, I write for me. But despite my acceptance, I bring something for my readers today.

Life Bridge Alive

This is a webpage set up by the leaders (specifically, I think Pete did all/most of it) at the church I attend and each week the message for the week is posted in video format for people to watch.

In the links at http://www.lifebridgealive.com/  you can also go to the section that says walk and there are devotions written by members of the church. I think all devotion authors are Bridge Builders or higher, or in other words, they have gone through processes to become leaders within the church, if that matters to you.  I've also written a few of the devotions, so go check them out.

I just read the one for today (January 12) and I though Sara did an excellent job. Her words and ideas are simply profound.

Anyway, I've been counting my blessings, and I know that I am so blessed to be a part of a church that thinks critically about how to empower people to grow as (and to be) Disciples of Christ. That's something that seemed to be missing from many of the churches I visited in the Northwest while on tour. (And I know those churches aren't in-effective, they're just not there yet.)

In other news, I switched my cell phone service to T-mobile and I'm getting a much better deal, (500 any time minutes and unlimitted nights/weekends, texting, and internet for only $60 a month) I really think AT&T was ripping me off.

I also bought a laptop.  :-) I hope this laptop empowers me to communicate with family, friends, and Life Bridge more effectively. I am hoping to be able to write more devotions for the website and more childrens curriculum or what ever I may need it for. Thank you God for this blessing.