Do I dare to ask God to tame the wanderlust in me? I feel so unsettled right now. I was journaling in my Private journal about who I believe I am, and when I realized that I have wanderlust. I looked up the word because I was like "Wait a minute, do I really know what that means?"
It was a pretty simple explanation:
Wanderlust: [won-der-luhst]
-noun. 1. A strong, innate desire to rove or travel about.
The word that really stuck out to me here was the word innate.
innate: [ih-neyt, in-eyt]
-adjective. 1. existing in one from birth; inborn; native
2. inherent in the essentil character of something
3. originating in or arising from the intellect or the constitution of the mind, rather than learned through experience.
Innate seems an appropriate word...It feels set so deeply within me...I don't know where it comes from or why it is there, but when I think about it, I feel unsettled about where I am. Its like my will is planning to go on an adventure,while my sanity is trying to convince my will that I need to stay put.
Sanity says "You have a great job that you enjoy, you have a church family that you want to serve, your friends and family surround you right now. You made plans to make working at the Boys and Girls Club your career, You were going to become CEO after you finally finished college. You were going to move out of your parents house when you could finally afford it and start a life of your own."
Will is very quick to reply: "How boring. A five, ten, or even fifteen year plan? Since when were you a planner? You are miserable in your parents house and you're obviously not getting out of there by working at the Boys and Girls Club. You can't even get what you owe to Bethel paid off, it's going to be a long time before you finish school... And CEO... really? Is that a passion for changing lives, or does that have more to do with the yearly income you saw posted on a job listing, or the idea of moving up in your career because it's 'what people do'? As for Church, Family and Friends, they got along okay without you before and they will be able to do so again."
Sanity replies: "You need to be a stable person. People don't respect a person who can't settle down and you will never get anywhere in life if you don't get your degree. It's a reasonable choice to want to move up in your career and it's perfectly natural to want to make more money. You may have to suffer for a little while, and it may take a few years, but you will get out of your parents house and be on your own someday. Besides, you made committments. You are committed to Project Valpo, to Bridge Builders, Community Groups/Bible Studies, to the Boys and Girls Club, and to many, many other things!"
Will: "Yeah, okay, and how many of those committment have you been pulling away from? How many of them have you resented at any given time because you would rather have been anywhere else? How many of those committments do you feel like you're failing with anyway? How many of them did you pray about before becomin involved? And what of these plans for your life, did you pray about them? And if you accomplish these plans... what's next anyway? Will that change life for you at all? Will they challenge you to go deeper with God? Will this enable you to help others to walk together with God? Do they reflect Gods plan for your life?"
Sanity: "It's secure. It's logical. It's SOMETHING!!! Where would wanderlust take you? What will you do? Where will you go?"
Will: "I don't know yet."
Sanity: "Maybe you should figure that out before you let go of what you have already secured. You'll look pretty foolish if you have to come crawling back."
Will: "Since when did God call us to security? Since when did God reveal the big picture before he called us to step out in faith? And when did he say that the things he has asked you to do wouldn't look like foolishness to the rest of the world?"
Sanity: "So you think God has called you to wander?"
Will: "I don't know. I just feel restless, like its time to move on."
Sanity: "But you don't even know where you will go!!!"
Will: "I know.."
Sanity: "But you've already decided in your heart."
Will: "Yes... and No... I can't move until Sanity gives up control. "
This is my real internal dialogue. An argument between my sanity and.. well, Im not quite sure who will is... perhaps my spirit. I dont know. Will feels like something deep inside of me. I guess I don't really know who Sanity is either. Sanity doesn't feel connected to me like will does though. I need an outside perspective. I need thoughts. I need wisdom, wise counsel. Someone who knows me and can tell me something about me and God's perspective on this.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!! (That was a scream of frustration and confusion that I couldn't do outloud lest I wake everyone in my house)
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