Darn those Twilight books...

I spent a few hours last night and most of the day today losing myself in a world of Vampires, Werewolves, and an unbreakeable bond of love. I was reading Eclipse. I know the strong emotional reaction that came with the first two Twilight books, so I waited purposely for a time when I could read the book and give myself time to recover from whatever reading it would do to... well I guess the most honest answer is what it would do to my emotional state, as weird as that sounds.
Since I couldn't finish the book last night, I dreampt of what was happening in the book all night long, so when I woke and started reading again, it was almost as if I hadn't really taken a break from reading at all. There were times when the book had me laughing at loud, tearing up, sighing, and nearly exploding with within from the different emotions that took me. It was easier, less emotional to read Eclipse than it was to read Twilight and New Moon. I'm not sure why that is. I wonder if it's because I've prepared myself and tried to numb myself from the books, or if maybe the uncertainty that was so prominent in Bella and Edwards relationship was in the first two books was no longer present in this one.

Regardless...it was still highly emotional and right now I'm trying to refocus myself, to step out of Bella's world and back into reality before I have to start focusing on returning to work, or to continue preparing for my teaching time with Bridge Builders... to be be back in the world where the impossible is simply what it is, impossible; where I am not loved so flawlessly, nor desired by one who shares my affection; where there's nothing exciting that I'm looking forward to; that same place where I see myself and I don't like what I see... you know, it's no wonder that I have trouble pulling myself out of Bella's world and back into Amanda's world. I don't like Amanda's world right now. I would take the dreadful terror and imperfect complications of Bella's world over mine any day. I think that's because I want what Bella has; not the vampires or the werewolves or anything like that, but the relationship she has with Edward... and I don't see that ever happening in Amanda's world, not back in reality. I'm not even sure if it could happen. Don't laugh at me because of that. I'm just being honest and that desire is a part of my life that I push away and hide from until I read something like Edward and Bella's relationship in Twilight and it suddenly reawakens. I think part of this refocusing myself is silencing that desire again and pretending it doesn't exist. If you just read this, please don't laugh or think of me as nothing more than a silly girl with fairy tales on the brain. I'm really not.

Darn those Twilight books.

Twilight; The perfect Romeo and Juliet

I'm not even sure where to begin... Last Thursday my cousin Rebecca talked me into reading the first Twilight book. I've always been skeptical, or perhaps uncaring or indifferent regarding the books. "Oh just another teenybopper lovestory." But now that I've finished reading the first two books I feel this odd connection to the stories. I admit, I was hooked from Chapter one of the first book.

The author, I believe, is a genius. She takes you into the story from the beginning. You connect with the characters in this deeply intense way...Well, maybe. I don't know if it's just me, or if other people actually experience this too, but when I'm reading it's like the rest of the world doesn't exist. I am Bella Swan. OH, not literally, of course. But I am her, I experience her emotion, I hear her thoughts, I feel her pain, I know her confusion, I felt her fear, I love as she loves and I long as she longed. When she felt empty, I did too. When her heart fluttered, mine did too. When she missed Edward, I did too. Her world was my world.

Even now, I have finished book two (New Moon) and I feel emotion...I feel messed up emotionally from feeling the trama described in the book. I don't know what other way to explain this, but even though there was nothing remotely sexual in the books, I can only describe it as emotional pornography. It's like... I'm experiencing emotions I shouldn't feel.

As Bella, I love Edward, but mostly, realistically, I think I'm in love with the idea of romance. The idea of the perfect Romeo and Juliet, the one that doesn't end in tragedy. The idea of being this fragile, beautiful being capable of loving and holding on to love unlike any other being even though I can't see it in myself. Of being loved so wholly and completely loved by the one I'm least worthy of being loved by... By the forbidden one, only found in a fairy tell, someone who 'thirsts' for me in a way deeper than physical. Someone who if he did not love me, would be utterly dangerous to me. Someone who's desire is to protect me. Someone who seeks good despite what he is made to be. That list could probably go on, but truly, it's the idea of Romance, the idea of the person. The idea of the supernatural, of the unbelievable, of what couldn't be real, but is...

And so I was thinking about that. Why do I love the idea of love and romance, or of existing in the midst of the impossible?

Why do you?