I spent a few hours last night and most of the day today losing myself in a world of Vampires, Werewolves, and an unbreakeable bond of love. I was reading Eclipse. I know the strong emotional reaction that came with the first two Twilight books, so I waited purposely for a time when I could read the book and give myself time to recover from whatever reading it would do to... well I guess the most honest answer is what it would do to my emotional state, as weird as that sounds.
Since I couldn't finish the book last night, I dreampt of what was happening in the book all night long, so when I woke and started reading again, it was almost as if I hadn't really taken a break from reading at all. There were times when the book had me laughing at loud, tearing up, sighing, and nearly exploding with within from the different emotions that took me. It was easier, less emotional to read Eclipse than it was to read Twilight and New Moon. I'm not sure why that is. I wonder if it's because I've prepared myself and tried to numb myself from the books, or if maybe the uncertainty that was so prominent in Bella and Edwards relationship was in the first two books was no longer present in this one.
Regardless...it was still highly emotional and right now I'm trying to refocus myself, to step out of Bella's world and back into reality before I have to start focusing on returning to work, or to continue preparing for my teaching time with Bridge Builders... to be be back in the world where the impossible is simply what it is, impossible; where I am not loved so flawlessly, nor desired by one who shares my affection; where there's nothing exciting that I'm looking forward to; that same place where I see myself and I don't like what I see... you know, it's no wonder that I have trouble pulling myself out of Bella's world and back into Amanda's world. I don't like Amanda's world right now. I would take the dreadful terror and imperfect complications of Bella's world over mine any day. I think that's because I want what Bella has; not the vampires or the werewolves or anything like that, but the relationship she has with Edward... and I don't see that ever happening in Amanda's world, not back in reality. I'm not even sure if it could happen. Don't laugh at me because of that. I'm just being honest and that desire is a part of my life that I push away and hide from until I read something like Edward and Bella's relationship in Twilight and it suddenly reawakens. I think part of this refocusing myself is silencing that desire again and pretending it doesn't exist. If you just read this, please don't laugh or think of me as nothing more than a silly girl with fairy tales on the brain. I'm really not.
Darn those Twilight books.
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