Every now and then when I get the chance to slow down a bit, I stop and think about all the things I miss back home.

I miss seeing my family every day. I love my family. I miss my parents. I miss my brothers.I'm sad that I'm probably going to miss the birth of Eric's baby. I'm sad that I don't get to help Brandy plan her wedding or be there when it takes place. I'm sad that I won't get to go to Thanksgiving Dinner where half of my family get's together.

I miss going to Life Bridge every Sunday. I love my church family. I miss the Bridge Builders group and the student Ministries. I miss doing Project Valpo. I'm sad that I am missing out on what the church is doing, because I believe so much in the vision of Life Bridge. To empower one more to walk together with Christ.

I miss Bethel College. I miss taking classes and learning. I miss my old classmates. They were some of the most amazing people I knew. I'm sad that I don't have my degree. And it saddens me that God may not have it planned for me to finish my degree.

I don't know where God wants me in this life. I am absolutely clueless as to where He is leading me or what His plans for me are. I don't know if I will ever go back home to Valpo, or if I will ever finish college, or if I will move somewhere else or travel, or if I will marry, or if any of the plans I had before now will ever come to be.

Right now I have no plans. I have no agenda. I don't know where God is taking me. In some ways i'm bothered by the idea that I love and miss might not be a part of my future. I know that whatever God has planned for me, he is wiser than I am and His plans are greater than mine.

I just wish I could get a glimpse of what lies ahead of me.

Part 1:The word of God

I've been wanting to write a blogpost, something deep and meaningful and worth reading, but I'm so overwhelmed by what it will take to put those thoughts down, that I can't find the motivation to write. Then it's another matter than most deep and meaningful things I want to talk about are highly personal and there are instances in which I would prefer to remain a private person. But I guess voicing my thoughts on any given subject will reveal me as well.

sigh

Yesterday evening and during the day today was Life Bridges Leadership Conference. I was supposed to co-teach a breakout session, but no one came to the breakout session. I was actually relieved. I spent the 45 minutes praying and reading Scriptures given in the Main session about the Bible and Prayer..

Scripture and Prayer have always been two things I've considered tremendously important in my walk with Christ.

It is one of my goals in life to memorize the entire Bible. A person spoke at Bethel a few years ago relaying how he visisted a university in Jerusalem and when people found out that he did not have the entire old testament memorized a person came up to him and asked "How can you follow your rabbi if you don't know what he said?" That has always stuck with me. If Jewish children can memorize the Old Testament, (or at the very least, the first five books) then certainly I can memorize at the very least the New Testament, and even better, the whole Bible.
I've made very little progress with that, but it still remains my desire, to know God's word, to truly hide it in my heart. I think what I must know of Scripture is nothing; I know so little. I get overwhelmed, and I think my way of dealing with things that overwhelm me is to avoid them.
But I will keep pressing on toward that goal. When I am working on memorizing Scripture I like to say I'm practicing sword fighting. I call it that because of:

Hebrews 4:12 (For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.)

and

Ephesians 6:10-20 (about our struggle not being against flesh and blood, and the call to put on the full armor of God). Specifically verse 17 (take up... the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.)

I think reading these verses and saying I'm practicing sword fighting gives me that sense of truly being a part of something that's bigger than myself. It gives me the sense that I'm fighting for something, for the greatest thing, God's Kingdom.

Here are some Scripture I read this morning about Scripture:

John 8:31-32 Then Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, "If you continue in my word, you are truly my disciples; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free."

Psalm 119:11 I treasure your word in my heart, so that I may not sin against you.

Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

Matthew 7:24-27 Everyone then who hears these words of mine and acts on them will be like a wise man who built his house on rock. The rain fell, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not act on them will be like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell?and great was its fall!"

Romans 10:17 So faith comes from what is heard, and what is heard comes through the word of Christ.

Hebrews 4:12-13 Indeed, the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing until it divides soul from spirit, joints from marrow; it is able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And before him no creature is hidden, but all are naked and laid bare to the eyes of the one to whom we must render an account.

2nd Timothy 3:16-17 All scripture is inspired by God and is useful for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, so that everyone who belongs to God may be proficient, equipped for every good work.

1st Peter 2:2 Like newborn infants, long for the pure, spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow into salvation

Back at Bethel, feeling... lethargic

It's good to be back at Bethel. Moving back in was rough though. I'm moving into a new room this semester with all new roommates. That's not the rough part. The rough part is that the room was a disorganized mess and it overwhelmed me. But we all began to organize things and it's beginning to look better.
I did something I probably shouldn't have done on Sunday. One of my friends invited me to a Bible Study, and I knew it would be mentally/emotionally exhausting to move in and then four hours later go to a Bible Study where I don't know any of the people, come back, continue to unpack and organize and then start classes the next day. Kate said she would understand if I couldn't or didn't want to come this week. I should have given myself more time to adjust, especially since I didn't get to bed until 2 am last night and I had trouble sleeping. I'm lacking in energy today.
I think this semester I'm going to have to learn to slow down a little. I want to to do everything. The things I want to do are not bad, they're actually all good and beneficial things, but I guess I have to learn to discern between what is good and what is wise.

On the other side of things, it was SOOOOOOOOOOO great to go to Chapel today. Dr. Don Bartlett was speaking and I was just amazed at how the entire room was so silent. Everyone was captivated by him. His presence commanded attention.
And of course, one the of the things I always love about chapel.... Worship through Music. I love the excitement and the feeling of freedom to worship God in whatever means fits me.
I have to admit it, I don't really feel that there is very much excitement or freedom during the musical time of worship at Life Bridge. Well, I sense that there is probably more freedom than there appears to be, but as far as excitement goes, it just doesn't feel like it's there in the people. I feel kind of bad to say that. But you all know that if I thought musical worship was the most important thing, then I wouldn't have stayed at Life Bridge.
I do feel the need to say that just because the musical time of worship seems to lack excitement and freedom, there are other aspects of the church, other times of worship that have a crazy abundance of freedom and excitement. For example, I love the heart that this church has for ministry and empowering one more. I see that in the people.
Did you know that when I was looking for a church this summer musical worship was not my top priority, teaching was not my top priority (but I must be clear that if the church did not teach truth, or tried to water down the truth then it wasn't for me), fellowship was not my top priority, location was not my top priority (although, it was pretty important, if it was too far away I wouldn't have been able to go). My top priority in finding a church to attend was to see 1. how committed the church was to service, and 2. What opportunities there were for me to serve inside and outside of the church.

I love this body of Christ, I just got sidetracked telling Naomi about it.

Anyway, it's almost midnight so I need to get ready for bed and actually get dequate rest tonight.