Sunday, September 26, 2010

Words on a Page.

I went outside to put a letter in the mailbox and had this feeling like I had to watch my back. When I came back in the house, I realized that my family has been watching a scary movie about a corn field and a scare crow the entire time I was writing the letter. The subconscious mind is amazing, isn't it.

Anyway. I've been in and out of irritated, frustrated, angry, depressed, and weepy moods for the past month or so. It has been this incredible emotional rollercoaster ride.  I won't deny that I have not been very happy lately for a number of reasons, but Im trying so hard to pull myself out of it.

I remember back in high school, people actually told me I smiled too much. I want that back. I want joy to radiate from me. I want to be a person who is so full of joy, no matter what is going on in my life, people are drawn to me.  I don't know what happened or how to get it back.

My family has been looking for a new place to live. We have been living in this 2 bedroom house for too long, and we want something that is in better condition.

I really hope that we get a 4 bedroom house so everyone can have their own room and my parents don't have to sleep in the living room anymore. I really want them to be able to have their own room again.
I'm also really excited about the prospect of having my own room too. I feel like I've almost forgotten what it's like. I have been immersed in living like a guest for so long.

I'm also excited about having central air/heat. We've been heating our house using our stove top burners for the past 8 years.

I'm excited about having windows and sitting my house plants in front of them and letting them grow by the light of the window.

I'm excited about having a closet to hang my clothes. And to plug my phone into an outlet in the wall without worrying about where its

I'm excited about a lot of things, but they are all still in waiting right now.  Sometimes hope seems so far off. My family has been through so many negative things in our life, it seems almost impossible that anything good can happen to us. But I still hold on to hope, and I dream, and I try to make it happen.

Today I was reading my Bible and I read in 1Timothy 6.  In verse 17, it says "Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in weath, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment."

Did you catch that last part?  "For our enjoyment"... I have read this Scripture many times. I know not to be a lover of money. I try not to be a lover of money (which can be difficult when the present god of this age is money rather than the true God), and I try to put my hope in God. Lets just say, I am familiar with this verse.But this morning as I read it, I could not help but be surprised because that phrase never stuck out to me before.

What an amazing thing to think that God not only provides for our basic needs but also for our enjoyment.  It kind of makes you think about the whole love of money thing in a different light.  Like it just seems silly to be hung up about money, or to even worry about it.

I know other scripture in Matthw 6 that says not to worry about what you eat, drink, or wear, because God knows what you need, and He will provide it as just as He provides for the birds of the air. I've meditated on these Scriptures before knowing I shouldn't worry about the things I need because God is God, but for my enjoyment!!! That is exciting!!! It brings to life the illustration of God as a Father caring for His children.

I've been reading my Bible consistently lately. This has been something that I have had a hard time with most of my life. But I've been leaving early for work so that I get there between 6am and 6:05 am and I sit there and I read my Bible and then spend a few minutes praying. So far I've read through 1 Corinthians and 1 and 2 Timothy. I think I might stay in 1 and 2 Timothy for a little while.

Well, it's 10:30. I should have been in bed already, so it's time for me to sign off.


Monday, September 6, 2010

Labor Day Sucks

Life is just like this eternal struggle into nothingness. Or at least sometimes that is how it seems.

Yesterday evening was terrible for me. The details don't really matter.  Today was rather low key , but it's more like there is a spirit of depression sitting over me. I don't feel well. I'm fine physically, I am just not doing well emotionally.  The funny thing is that when a person is feeling bad for so long, the desire to feel better seems to go away. I feel almost resigned to say this is my life and embrace it.  Why feel better when nothing ever changes? We know that the logic is really screwy, but we dont feel it.

I resent Labor Day right now. I could have gone to work and earned a few more hours for my paycheck, but the real reason I resent it is because people are taking the Labor Day weekend and going to visit people. As a result hardly anyone was around to have group, so we didn't. I know it's not about me but I felt like I really needed to go to group tonight.   I'm not really close with anyone in the group, it's just kind of like it's a place to fit. It's something outside of my house, with people other than those I live with, whose hearts beat for a similar passion.

I just didn't want to be alone. At my house, I am alone all the time, even though people are always here. Its lonely here.