I desire marriage.
Yes. It's true. It's one of my hearts foremost desires. Maybe it's something that people could tell I've desired... or maybe I've kept it well hidden. Either way, I haven't spoken about it much...or at all really... especially in the past few years. It's only been recently that I've started following (publicly) any sort of marriage blog/facebook page.
There was a fear inside of me. A fear that if I simply spoke my desire, someone would tell me that I needed to take a good long look at myself and be realistic. How could marriage ever be for me? How could it ever be written in my future? Who would ever love me enough to want to marry me? For some reason completely beyond my own comprehension I felt completely and utterly unworthy of marriage.
I honestly don't know when I started to believe those lies [and what sick, cruel LIES they truly are!] But the fear inside me was sooooo deep that I couldn't even speak my desires for fear that someone would tell me that I was unworthy of marriage and confirm what I already feared... as though my own experience with singleness wasn't already evidence enough on it's own.
And the really sad part is that there are already so many well meaning people doing just that... when they bring up verses where Paul says it is better to remain single [1 Corinthians 7?].... as though this is some sort of honor. I'm not going to get into some huge complaining session about that because 1) that has been someone elses experience more often than it's been mine. 2) I truly and honestly believe that people mean well and dont intend to add to anyones hurt. and 3) I believe that passage of Scripture is worth studying and I don't want to taint it for myself or anyone else because Im complaining about someone elses regurgitated thoughts.
And so.... there came a point when I realized how there is such healing in confession... and how simply powerful words are. When we sin, we confess our sins and find healing, so does it not stand that if we confess our doubts or fears that we will also find healing in the confession? I think we do.
But more than just confessing those doubts or fears, I think there-in lies a responsibility to also confess the truth.
I am not unworthy of marriage. I am loved by God and I am HIS bride first. God wants to fulfill my desires in His time. I am simply to walk in Obedience.