Monday, May 9, 2011


When the simplicity of life is gone, so is it's innocence.

No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. (Matthew 6:24a)

The only thing I can say to that is Amen! Between my two employers (and three jobs) I feel like the harlot running between her lovers trying to please them both.

Pretty graphic image, huh? It sucks. Only, I do not love one and hate the other, and I'm not devoted to one while I despise the other. Actually... I kind of despise both of them (and I hate that I feel that way). Right now they are like crying babies, and they both want 100 percent of me, right now.

I turned down the Kindergarten Site Director position for kidstop because I said I waited a long time for the art room position and the two jobs overlapped. I have been filled with great sadness since I turned the position down. I told Mary when I first started working for Kidstop that I wanted a position in the kindergarten room if one ever became available. Now that it's available, I turned it down. If it weren't already too late, maybe I would reconsider, even though I love working in the art room. But I know that someone else has already talked to my boss about the job, so it's not an option and I shouldn't think about it anymore.

On the other hand, I love working with the clients for OE. They are fun, and hilarious, and I feel really good about what I'm doing.... but I don't think I can handle being degraded and critisized incessantly from one particular co-worker. I don't want to leave the BGC to work just for OE, but I especially don't want to do that if that's going to be my experience.

I feel like I'm running on Empty.
I haven't had a day off of work since I started working for OE.

Trying to reconcile and work out my schedules to accomodate both employers to the fullest extent of their expectations is stressing me out.

I'm feeling burdened by the needs of my household to continue to survive, hearing one person say this bill is due and they are X amount of dollars short, or that we don't have money for groceries, or that that bill needs to be paid by X date or it will get shut off, or that the hot water heater broke, or that the faucet in the sink broke, or that the roof in someone's room is leaking because of the rain. Call me selfish, but it bugs me that I live like a guest in this house, but because I have the money now to help get these things paid or fixed, I feel obligated to spend my earnings taking care of everyone elses problems rather than securing or preparing to better my own future.

I feel like the future is only going to get harder, and my life will never change.

I feel like I can't have the things I want in life.

But probably the worst of it all is that I feel completely and utterly alone in all of it. Where are my friends? I can't even talk to my family about my frustrations because they don't want to hear me "b*tching about how life sucks." I'm trying to be understanding because to them hearing me complain is like me hearing them talk about the needs of the household.


Friday, May 6, 2011

Overwhelming Sacrifice

Well, my boss for Kidstop, Mary,  offered me a job for the fall as the Kindergarten Site Director. I wanted this job and I had to turn it down because I also want to keep my position in the art room, and the two positions have the potential to overlap.    I am also working for Opportunity Enterprise. I forget how long I've been working there because I haven't had a day off since I've started working there. (I miss having days off from working).

Between the Boys and Girls Club and Opportunity Enterprise, I'm working about 57 hours a week. I'm getting a paycheck every week right now, but they are so small, that they hardly seem rewarding, even though I know that in the timespan of a month, I'm making more than double what I made before I started with OE.

I'm also giving up my morning position at South Haven when the school year ends because I can't handle starting work at 6:30am.  It breaks my heart.

I got my work Schedule for the OE Group Home today and I'm scheduled to work during the time that Im supposed to be at church.  That breaks my heart more.

I hope the sacrifices I am making now can help me to solve some of my problems and maybe in the future sacrifices like the ones I'm making now won't be necessary.