Monday, July 26, 2010

Collections of musings.

I feel buggy, like something is crawling on me. At best, it is one of the ants I found in the kitchen. At worst... It is a flea that one of our dogs might have picked up.  Either way, I feel buggy and I don't like it.

I worked at the Porter County Fair all day long yesterday (Saturday) for my churches booth. And then I was at the fair a good portion of the day today, the church service, randomly helping Tammy in the trolley, hanging out with Brandy and Stevie during the evening. It was a good weekend.
So... I figured I should put up some pictures from my friend Stephanie's wedding.  Here they are:

The Bride with her Cowgirl Boots
Bride with her parents right before walking
Bride and Groom.... and CAKE!
Bride and Groom leaving
Bethel College Students Unite.

Well, those were just a few ofthe clearer quality pictures. I don't feel like putting more into this blog, so goodnight for now.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Wanderlust: The fight between Will and Sanity

Do I dare to ask God to tame the wanderlust in me? I feel so unsettled right now. I was journaling in my Private journal about who I believe I am, and when I realized that I have wanderlust. I looked up the word because I was like "Wait a minute, do I really know what that means?"
It was a pretty simple explanation:

Wanderlust: [won-der-luhst]
-noun. 1. A strong, innate desire to rove or travel about.

The word that really stuck out to me here was the word innate.

innate: [ih-neyt, in-eyt]
-adjective. 1. existing in one from birth; inborn; native
2. inherent in the essentil character of something
3. originating in or arising from the intellect or the constitution of the mind, rather than learned through experience.

Innate seems an appropriate word...It feels set so deeply within me...I don't know where it comes from or why it is there, but when I think about it, I feel unsettled about where I am. Its like my will is planning to go on an adventure,while my sanity is trying to convince my will that I need to stay put.

Sanity says "You have a great job that you enjoy, you have a church family that you want to serve, your friends and family surround you right now. You made plans to make working at the Boys and Girls Club your career, You were going to become CEO after you finally finished college. You were going to move out of your parents house when you could finally afford it and start a life of your own."

Will is very quick to reply: "How boring. A five, ten, or even fifteen year plan? Since when were you a planner? You are miserable in your parents house and you're obviously not getting out of there by working at the Boys and Girls Club. You can't even get what you owe to Bethel paid off, it's going to be a long time before you finish school... And CEO... really? Is that a passion for changing lives, or does that have more to do with the yearly income you saw posted on a job listing, or the idea of moving up in your career because it's 'what people do'? As for Church, Family and Friends, they got along okay without you before and they will be able to do so again."

Sanity replies: "You need to be a stable person. People don't respect a person who can't settle down and you will never get anywhere in life if you don't get your degree. It's a reasonable choice to want to move up in your career and it's perfectly natural to want to make more money. You may have to suffer for a little while, and it may take a few years, but you will get out of your parents house and be on your own someday. Besides, you made committments. You are committed to Project Valpo, to Bridge Builders, Community Groups/Bible Studies, to the Boys and Girls Club, and to many, many other things!"
Will: "Yeah, okay, and how many of those committment have you been pulling away from? How many of them have you resented at any given time because you would rather have been anywhere else? How many of those committments do you feel like you're failing with anyway? How many of them did you pray about before becomin involved? And what of these plans for your life, did you pray about them? And if you accomplish these plans... what's next anyway? Will that change life for you at all? Will they challenge you to go deeper with God? Will this enable you to help others to walk together with God? Do they reflect Gods plan for your life?"
Sanity: "It's secure. It's logical. It's SOMETHING!!! Where would wanderlust take you? What will you do? Where will you go?"
Will: "I don't know yet."
Sanity: "Maybe you should figure that out before you let go of what you have already secured. You'll look pretty foolish if you have to come crawling back."
Will: "Since when did God call us to security? Since when did God reveal the big picture before he called us to step out in faith? And when did he say that the things he has asked you to do wouldn't look like foolishness to the rest of the world?"
Sanity: "So you think God has called you to wander?"
Will: "I don't know. I just feel restless, like its time to move on."

Sanity: "But you don't even know where you will go!!!"

Will: "I know.."

Sanity: "But you've already decided in your heart."

Will: "Yes... and No... I can't move until Sanity gives up control. "

This is my real internal dialogue. An argument between my sanity and.. well, Im not quite sure who will is... perhaps my spirit. I dont know. Will feels like something deep inside of me. I guess I don't really know who Sanity is either. Sanity doesn't feel connected to me like will does though.  I need an outside perspective. I need thoughts. I need wisdom, wise counsel. Someone who knows me and can tell me something about me and God's perspective on this.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!! (That was a scream of frustration and confusion that I couldn't do outloud lest I wake everyone in my house)
I suppose I should be sleeping but I think that I do my best thinking at night. I don't know if it's just because I encounter less distractions or if I am simply a night person and this is the best time that I function. I don't know, but It makes sense to me that anyone who is a night person would be one because distractions and obligations ( or time limits) are very much limited.

During the day the rest of the surrounding population is awake and can pop in at anytime and many of us expect the distraction. We also have schedules to keep and things to accomplish. But at night those things things go away. It's quiet. I have no where to be, no one to bother me...there's a kind of freedom in being a night person. But you also don't always have the option to call up a friend, and anyone who is mindful of the people around them will know that being quiet is probably a very smart decision. So I a way this with the responsibility of being silent kind of puts a person into thinking mode. Oh what things get accomplished ...

I love silence. I don't know if I've ever had the privilege of absolute silence. Background noise is always in the background somehow... The loud hum of an air conditioner, the snoring of the person next to you, cars on the highway a quarter of  a mile from your house... One of my new goals in life will to be to hear what absolute silence sounds like. :-)
Posted from Blogium for iPhone

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Close the Flood Gates!

I feel like someone is playing games with me, like a cat chasing a peice of string, or a dog chasing a laser light. I can see the object (or objective) that I am pursuing and I go after it, I get so close, I can almost taste it... but alas, it is pulled away from me at the last minute. Why? Am I a cat that I should be toyed with?
The fundamental difference between me and a cat is that this is not a game to me, and I don't find it fun to chase and never obtain.

It feels like that is what is happening with everything in my life right now. It's just like this constant game... I don't want this anymore.  I really thought I would make it back to Bethel this year. It seemed like things were falling into place, then a huge boulder fell in my path. I thought maybe I could get another more reliable car, another boulder.  I want to get into my own apartment, another boulder.  I thought maybe I would be able to go to Alabama for a friends wedding who is very dear to me. Things were falling into place, then wham, another boulder is blocking my path.

And then there are the other problems like feeling like my friendships are one sided, my mom suffering from Vitamin D deficiency and diabetes and losing her job, my grandma (the one I'm close to) suffering from a lump on her pancreas that could be cancer, but we dont know because we are waiting on the biopsy, and pancreatic cancer is inoperable,  use of illegal subtances by some family members, the excessive use of legal substances by the same family member...

This burden is so heavy. It is as though the floodgates of hell have opened on me and everyone I love!

I feel so... I don't even know if I can describe it... its seems like melodramatic emotionalism to say I feel like I am in my own personal Hell.... But it honestly feels that way to me right now. I can not find a word strong enough to convey the tormentual agony I feel.

I keep waiting for the day when I fall apart. I long for that day. I embrace it.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Maybe it's a foolish plan, but maybe it's a God given opportunity.

I'm seriously considering moving out of my house. I know that has been my desire since I have been here, but despite the fact that I don't have anywhere to go, I dont feel like I can stay here any longer. I hate being here, so I don't want to do it anymore. I hate the fact that people don't respect my space.What a joke of a space anyway. I live out of a suitcase that sits on top of the kitchen table.


I suppose I could sit here and make a list of all the things I hate about being here.  But I've already done that in countless blogs that I don't pulish. I just want out. I want things to change, I don't want to be so dependent on my family.  Maybe thats what I need... to become less dependent on my family.  Would it be an exciting adventure or a foolish mistake to move out?

I certainly can't afford my own apartment. I can't just up and live with someone else because that would defeat the purpose of leaving my home here. I have no where to go, but yet I seem to have everything I need.

I have reduced my stuff so much that I can simply put it all in my car. 
I can shower at cardinal fitness.
I can do laundry at the laundromat.
I can charge my phone while I am at work.
I have coolers to store some food as long as I don't need to keep anything really cold, plus I have options to eat meals with friends.
I can sleep in my car.  The doors lock, I have blankets, and I could easily make it so that people cant see into my car. I can park my car in Walmart parking lots. 

And maybe by winter I will figure something out. I know that I can't live through out the winter in my car, otherwise I might die, but the summer... I think I could do it in the summer.

I would be out of my families hair, and no one else would have to know.  It's not like they know whats going on now anyway, nor does it seem like they would really care.

Maybe doing this would be a God-opportunity.  I don't know how or what the benefit would be.  I've been reading this book called In A Pit With A Lion On A Snowy Day. It has been a good and interesting read. It talks about this guy, Benaiah, who wrestled a lion in a pit on a snowy day and came out victorious.

Why would anyone do something like that.  What foolishness.... But that's what the book is talking about, where there seems to be foolishness, there is instead God's providence.  You never know what opportunities might arise in the future because of what seemingly foolish thing you do now.  How much of a food Noah must have seemed to the people around him.  Who knows.

I remember in college there was a guy who spent a semester living on campus, but not in the dorms. LOL
Calvin. I remember at first I was put off that he was doing that, but then I actually kind of admired that he did that. It's kind of revolutionary. He didn't mooch off of anyone or anything. He was simply there living. I respect that. A lot.

I want to step out of comfort for a while. I know it probably seems weird to say I want to step out of comfort when I am complaining  so much about living with my family. But that's not the point. The comfort factor is that I am so reliant on my parents. I have never been out on my own. Except maybe during the time that I had worked with Camfel Productions, but even then I had a company credit card that I used whenever there was a problem like the van breaking down or if my tour partner and I had to stay in a hotel.

It's time to cut the umbilical cord.