Monday, January 31, 2011

Now this is truly introspective

For the past few years it seems as though I've had theme songs for seasons of my life. They were always the songs that touched me so deep I could not ignore the truth they revealed in my life. I would almost cling to the songs if that were possible, playing them over and over, taking in every word. Every one of them were a song crying out to God, pleeding, worshipiping...

I distinctly remember selahs song, you raise me up, stroking a cord in me, stand in the rain by superchick, never alone by barlow girl, praise you in the storm by casting crowns... there are so many more that the songs still swell up and stir within me.

This season in my life, the song I seem to find nudging my subconcious is Set me free by Casting Crowns.

Its somewhat scary, but these lrics stir me.

It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains
Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away
Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free

There is truth in these lrics that I cant deny, and a cry my lips are sometimes to weak to make.

I don't pretend to know exactly when things became so complicated. but I do know that a war is raging in my life. A great spiritual battle for my soul (and sometimes I think my sanity.)

Ive tried to recall a time in my life when ive felt this weak and helpless and I can think of none. I don't undetstand what happened, surely I've stared worse situations in the face.

Why now is beyond me. Maybe it had something to do with the responsiblity I try to carry away from my situations, but I truly don't know. All I know is that life is a battle for me right now.and I am fighting with every once of strength I still have to cling to hope in God.

Today I have peace that I will be okay, but not every day is like this. Maybe someday it will be though. Until then I will keep clinging.
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Sunday, January 30, 2011

Introspective Reflection?

It's that time again... That time when I start thinking about what life is to me, who I am, etcetera, etcetera.

One thing that has been really pressing me lately is my desire for adventure.  I might even go so far as to call it a need. Mixed with that desire for adventure is a reluctancy... a fear of being stuck in one place for too long.

I guess I kind of just like to be on the move.

Ive actually thought about this and I believe if I were given the choice between security and adventure, I would choose adventure hands down.

So of course when my work makes jokes about me never leaving my position in the Art Room (even though I have no desires or plans to do so in the near future) it makes me feel trapped.

I know I am not where I could be. I don't know that I am where I should be. I have had opportunities opportunities come up that I believe I may want to seriously consider, but I am so loyal to both the club and kidstop that, even if I would stay where I am for the next few years, the thought of ever leaving either position fills me with incredible and immense guilt.  And I still feel trapped.

I know I am not irreplaceable. Life will indeed go on if I left the position and they would find someone to replace me.  So why all the guilt?  I don't know.

I am currently pending a position with Opportunity Enterprises.  I should find out on Tuesday if they hire me or not.  But you know what?  I don't really want the position.  I mean, it's nothing about the work or type of work itself. It's the complications that would come with working two jobs that I don't know would work around eachother.

I know one would have to take priority over another.  I guess thats the thing about employment though...  Despite the type of company or the mission, I, as the employee, do not matter a whole lot in the grand scheme of things.   What I mean by that is that I have a purpose to complete. If I don't complete my purpose, it doesn't matter what is going on in my life or what struggles I may be having, I will be replaced.

There will be no tolerance, no helping me through the problem, no assistance to continue my education or anything. The company will do only what is legally required of them. Maybe I'm wrong, though.

I don't want there to be a tug of war between my employers.

On another side of things, I've been finding it increasingly difficult to take care of myself lately.  Personal heigene: unwashed clothes, showers not as frequent as I would like (both due to the guilt incited because of the resulting bill from showering every day and washing clothes every week), tooth brush needs replaced, lack of certain very personal heigene products. It bothers me.

I miss the purity of Bethel College, and since I've been living in this situation for so long, I feel trapped, like things are never going to change.

Ive had opportunities presented to me that I would be interested in doing, but don't know that I can for whatever reason.

I feel stuck.

But beyond circumstantial issues, what reason do I have to feel stuck?  Only the fact that I have no idea where I am going in this life. No idea what I really want to do.  And No idea what God has is calling me to do.

I've been trying hard to get out of the rut I'm in and seek what it is God has for me. I am still unclear.  I expect that God will lead me and I will do my best to follow Him and hear what he has to say to me.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Art room

Next wednesdays craft project. I would like to try real basket weaving someday.
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Monday, January 17, 2011

Something Old, something New....

I think I must have a dozen unposted blogs in draft mode right now. Ranting and raving, depressive and emotional.  It happens, but I think it's time to move on.

I think God is doing something in me. Whether it's me finally submitting to him or who even knows what. I have had this stirring in me for the past few weeks.  The first Sunday in January I heard a verse on the way to church, but I couldn't find it anywhere when I tried to look up the reference I thought I had remembered correctly. So after some searching, I let it be.

But then Anna sent me the same verse I had wanted to find through my email. Isaiah 43:18-19a

 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I looked to the text and I read through it one morning and I found myself struck by the different understanding I saw in it, as it applied to my life.  I would have imagined that I need to forget my sin, move on and be a better person. you know, the main interpretation. But that's not what struck my heart.

I thought about how much I dwell on the past, not that I relive my mistakes and fret over them, but that I remember the good times, and so often I long to go back to the day when.... fill in the blank, but I think mostly I was thinking about the days when my relationship with God seemed easier,when these doubts didn't invade my mind. When I wanted to worship God and it wasn't a sacrifice on my part. When I wanted to live radically. I was missing the person I used to be, and I was sad when I thought about going back to Bethel, about how it can never be the same again and I will never be who I was. I felt broken because I changed.

And it dawned on me when I read this verse that this was, plain and simply, me continuing to dwell on the past.  It doesn't have to be bad for me to dwell on it. And I need to let it go. I need to forget who I was so God can do something new in me, I need to forget the way things were so God can do something new in my life.

I don't know that what he is doing will be comfortable or that it will meet my still skewed expectations. God never promised me comfort. But what I do know is that my instistence upon the way things were, has been and is preventing me from living the life God has for me

I don't have to be the same or go back to what I used to be. God is doing something new in me.

Sunday, January 9, 2011


It's Sunday morning. Its so quiet in the house right now. There's no tv, no talking, no animals running around and playing (knock on wood). It's so peaceful. I love mornings like this. When I wake up and can just lie here and continue to rest until I feel like I wasn't to get up. I don't always like it, because sometimes when I'm ready to actually get out of bed they're still sleeping. But today, this is nice.

Today, I'm going to go to church and I'm going to put effort into listening instead off allowing myself to be distracted and giving myself excuses.

Its probably time for me to start getting ready to go now.
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Sunday, January 2, 2011

La di da...

.New years was okay. Pretty much ecactly as I expected it to be. Bourbon st in chicago is definitely not that great. I suspect it would have seemed better if I were drunk, but probably not even then. Besides, I have no desire to be drunk at any point in my life. I cant drink enough to let my self become drunk. Its like this reaction in me that after one or two drinks I simply don't desire to drink alcohol anymore and I'm done.

I wish my body responded that way with food. It seems like my mechanism to tell me to stop is broke.

So anyway, at bourbon st, I was stepped on, pushed around, squeezed, groped, bumped into so that my drink spilled all over me, practically dry humped (people dance sick!), followed, had a drink girl tell me her boyfriend loves her, be wished happy new year by someone guy who insisted on touching me to do so, had a drunk guy stumbl rd into me then his friend come btu and tell me the guu is good looking but he s an @$$ hole, had to rescue Dougs hay from some girl who stole it right off his head... And that was only in the first few hours.

The whole atmosphere just isn't me. I was made for something else.

So today we hung out with Dougs brother and then back at christines we played monopoly where I recieved raw deal after raw deal, and couldnt seem to cut a break. So I thought, wow, this is just like real life, and I played Donkey kong.

I'm staying with christine again tonight. I hope I don't wear out my welcome. I'm going home tomorrow sometime, and will probably wait for christine to decide she wants to hang out with me again. She needs a few weekends that are just for her or her and doug.


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