Do you ever get the feeling that some invisible power (moral compass unknown) is trying to mess with you? These past four weeks have been an exhausting, trying, and emotionally confusing.
I am so tired. I am fatigued. Not just my mind, but my body and my spirit. These past 4 weeks I have been working between 12 and 15 hours a day, six days a week.
I was at work this evening filling out the care tracker program, and I had to read each question three or four times because I could not get my mind to focus enough to either understand the question, or to give an answer.
But that aside, this emotional confusion.... It's crazy. Or perhaps the confusion is only a result of the exhaustion. I don't even know.
I work two jobs, Opportunity Enterprise, and the Boys and Girls Club. In September the Boys and Girls Club is going to go back to their fall schedule 2:30 to 8:30 (3:30 to 7:30 in the Art Room), and at OE, I work the 2-10 shifts. Since both jobs will require the same hours, I cannot work 4 days a week at the Club and 40 hours a week at Opportunity Enterprise. So the decision comes down to...balancing the two?
I wanted to stay 40 hours at OE because I signed up for the benefits and I wanted to keep them. I wanted to stay with the Club, because my heart is there. What to do?!!!! I need to do what it takes to survive, and the Club can't offer me the hours or the benefits that OE can. Gosh. It's like choosing love or money.
Well, what I did was to put in a letter of interest at OE to transfer to a day shift. There were none available in the areas I tried to apply to, so HR contacted me and asked if I would like to submit my letter to Enriching Possibilities, the Lakeside section of OE. I said yes, and had an interview not too long afterward.
I thought, maybe this is the way for me to eat my cake and have it too, (so to speak). I wouldn't have to make the sacrifice on either end. Unfortunately for me, nine other people were also applying for the position at Enriching Possibilities, and after a long wait, some worry, and pressing the matter, I spoke with the person I interviewed with and asked if he had a decision yet. The day I asked him, I was told that he just finished the last of the interviews and he probably wasn't going to offer me the position. I didn't know what to say, so I told him I couldn't accept that answer and that he should change his mind. He mumbled something I couldn't quite understand, and I continued doing transport with my co-workers.
I was heartbroken!!! I wanted the position for several reasons, but the heartbreaking reason was that if I didn't get this position, that would mean I would have to quit my position in the art room. (Like, seriously, rip my heart out of my chest). So on Tuesday, I spoke with my boss at the Boys and Girls Club and we agreed to have a discussion on Thursday morning before painting camp to see where things were at.
I started grasping at straws, trying to see if I really exhausted all of my options because the last thing I wanted to do was to give up a job that I feel like I was made for, because I can't survive on 16 hours a week (and don't even get me started on everything going on with the rest of my family right now).
Thursday morning came and I had my meeting with my boss at the Club, and I cried as I told him I had made my decision to leave the Boys and Girls Club. I told him I didn't want to tell the kids. I told him the worst part of this for me is that I'm contributing to the instability that these kids are facing in their lives, and they need something stable, especially since I had only been in the art room 8 1/2 months and I would be the 3rd staff to leave this month.
He expected it. I had earlier revealed to him how much I had been working in the past four months, let alone the past four weeks, and he was awestruck that I had managed to do it as long as I had. And he expressed that even if I had gotten the position I desired at OE and continued to work for the club, I would still be working 11 to 12 hours a day, five days a week, and he feared I would burn out.
He announced it to the kids on Thursday afternoon that today (Friday) would be my last day working for the Club (since the club is shutting down for training and cleaning until September) and he gave it a positive spin, telling them that I had an opportunity to work full time at another job, and they are hard to come by, and that the kids would understand when they were older. But in my mind I heard an accusing voice crying "you chose them over us". And I saw a vision of my hopes and plans for my future and career with the Club wash away with my tears.
I cried again. And I found out later that most everyone thought my boss was playing a trick until they saw me standing there crying. I had my loyal art room kids come into the room and hug me, tell me not to leave, or that they would miss me, and suddenly everyone's idea of a project was to make me a going away present. (such sweet kids, Lol).
But, you know what? I chose to trust God with it. I put the job in his hands and asked his will be done, so if this was my lot then, this was my lot. Even though I didn't like it, I accept that God gives and God takes away and it's all in His Sovereignty.
So. Today, on Friday, I came into work, feeling weight of my last day, the finality of it all, the short notice, since . Painting Camp took a field trip to Painted Penguin. And when we got back, shortly after 1pm, I checked my phone and noticed I had a missed call from OE. I checked the message and it was the person I interviewed with telling me that they are creating another float position and he wanted to offer it to me.
Insert Tarzan yell.
I went and spoke with my boss at the club. He said it's my decision if I want to come back, but now that he knows how much I am/have been working, he is concerned. Can I really work 12 hours a day, five days a week and not ruin my mental or physical health? So, now I am thinking about this. I want my art room position. I had so many ideas and plans for all of it. I was excited.
But I'm so tired. I am weary. My soul is heavy burdened. I miss my friends. I miss my church family and I miss being involved despite the fact that I requested Sundays off back in July. (I see my parents and brothers almost every night, I don't miss them as much) I have no strength to stand on but the strength I have in Christ.
So, my decision that I'm thinking on this weekend is being a sub when needed for the club and kidstop. That way, if I am weary from work, I can tell them no (yeah...we know how hard that is for me) but still be involved and still see the kids I have built into and had positive relationships with.
I feel broken. My heart is broken. But you know... I also feel relieved.
So, this has been my life for now. Right now we are exploring the tragedy and Drama genre's. I will be happy to get back to the comedy genre, or explore the romance one a bit, lol.
But more seriously, Do all of life's decisions have to be this hard or heart breaking?