Saturday, October 30, 2010

My ridiculous costume

So I definitely dressed up as a banana for halloween. My face was the sticker, I felt like an idiot though. I guess there is a reason why people stop dressing up when they get older. But I wonder if it was simply my costume.

I had two halloween parties to go to and I was incredibly bored at both of them. Also, at my cousins party, I felt like I was getting made fun of a little.

I just keep hoping that things will be more fun when Brandy gets here.
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Wednesday, October 27, 2010

What is there to say?

AzWell, our internet got turned off today. I have access through my phone, so it's not a big deal for me, but it pots a cramp in everyone's internet usage.

I heard this song today by Nickelback called if today was your last day. I really like the song. There is a line that says each day is a gift and not a given right.

What a beautiful thought. I don't always treat each day like a gift and I probably should.

I get paid tomorroe. Its goinh to be a small paycheck. Ive gotten a it of extra workthis week so im fairly excited about that. I hope for a lot more.

Tbat is all.

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Tuesday, October 26, 2010


Literally. Things havent been this bad in a while. Bread, milk, butter, eggs, and grapes in the fridge, ice and popcycles In the freezer. In the cabinets we have ramen noodles, oatmeal, and grits.

Other than that we have a few spices.

Its amazing to me how somehow we have been doing alright. What I mean is that our refrigerator has looked this way for the past month and we have had something to eat every night, al-be-it, the meals are hatdly nutricious, but they fill our tummys.

Ive been trying to get my meals at the different things I go to. Monday night group, bridge builders, hanging out with a friend who happened to invite others over for dinner...etc.

I haven't told anyone about it. I think part of me simply doesn't want to feel like some sob story. That and people always ask why we don't go get food stamps or go to some food drive. The simple answer is that we don't qualify for assistance.

But thats okay.

I think what baffles me is how people can live in America and still gohungry or be homeless. Land of opportunity? Well, if you already have money, sure.

The current system we live in caters to the idea that you have to have money to make money.and that system caters to people amassing debt. (ofcourse that also has to do with personal responsibility).

Oh well .
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Saturday, October 9, 2010

My Life is Average

So last night Christine, Doug, Justin, and I went to the Fear Itself Scream Park in Mishawaka. It was alright. The Clown thing was pretty good, and so was the swamp thing. I enjoyed the asylum part too, but not as much as the swamp and clown attractions.  But the whole 4-D thing and the Monkey thing were kind of lame. And ofcourse, it wasn't scary at all.

I was thinking about that as I was going through different things and I was a little dissapointed because it seems that the older I get, the less I enjoy things like that. What I mean is that part of the joy of the scream parks is th adrenaline rush that comes with the fear, but my rational thinking has developed enough that I remember that these things aren't real, and that the actors can't really touch me, and that nothing is going to hurt me. 

So I spent my time pretending to be afraid because I know it makes it more fun for the actors if they can get a reaction out of people, and that made it more fun for me too.

Afterwards, we went to Bethel College and walked around a little bit. I actually saw a few people that I knew. I thought that everyone I knew would have graduated by now, but I saw two people that haven't graduated yet, Adam and Jeremy, and two people that have graduated and just happened to be visiting at the same time I was, Sara and Joy.  :-) And then I saw people that I recognized but didn't know personally.   I realized being there that I don't feel like I'm done with college yet, even though recently I have found myself somewhat irritated with some college antics. I want to go to classes and finish my degree. I want to do homework (wow, what's wrong with me?)  And I do want to live the college life a little bit longer.

I really have to work on getting my bill paid off.  I've been considering going back to camfel productions, thinking that maybe it can help solve the problem of my living situations and give me a few more funds  to help pay off Bethel, and it will be the same amount of pay each month regardless of how many hours I work.

There are a few cons. No job security (but where is there job security anywhere?). I don't know if I can come back to the Boys and Girls Club if I quit. I will be leaving my church behind again.

But I just figured it up and If I manage my finances the way I planned, I could have Bethel paid off in 6 months, and then save up money to pay for the classes I will take.

Anyway, I won't let myself stress over this any more but I will pray about it and prepare for it. :-)

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I cannot shake this feeling of frustration. I feel anger, despair, sadness, hopelessness, a sense of urgency, and a whole mess of other negative emotions and I am saddened because this is not me. This depression is not who I am and it's not who I want to be. I used to be the girl that people would say "you smile too much" to. I used to be the person that people wanted to be around because I was so happy. I miss that person. I want to be her again.

I don't think all if it is my living situation. I think most of it is simply my attitude, but I have no idea what happened that my attitude has gone so sour.

My brother, Eric, watched this tv series called "dead like me", and in the show this girl becomes a grim reaper when she dies and it is her job to escort the souls to where ever they would go. In one episode she refused to take the soul of a little girl because it wasn't fair. And the head reaper guy said she had to because the little girls soul has expired and if she doesn't take it it will, simply put, rot away in the little girl.

Sometimes I feel like that. I feel like my soul has expired and is rotting within me

I know the show isn't real/ I want to be happy again. From the core of me I want to be happy.

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