Saturday, December 29, 2007

I need answers

I've been a Christian for about 12 years now. I've had my share of doubts and questions and there have been numerous things that I have not understood. But I was a good little Christian girl (if you care to define what it means to be a good little Christian girl) I never really questioned my Faith very deeply. I always figured that God knew what he was doing and I wouldn't question anything, I would just take it on faith and let that be that.
But shouldn't we question our faith? I think faith only goes so far and right now I'm finding myself feeling like I've reached the end of faith and I need some answers.
It's not like I'm doubting God, I still believe in Him and my heart is bursting with love for him, but I feel like the answers to my questions could change my entire concept of God. That could be a good thing. I don't know. One of the things I have to ask myself when I have these questions is if it really matters and you know what... this one does. I think the answer to the question burning in me right now really does matter, and that's why I feel like faith isn't enough right now.

Friday, December 21, 2007

I'm done! I'm done! I'm done!

Finally! The semester is over and I couldn't be happier. My grades aren't all I hoped they would be, but considering how crazy this semester was, it's okay. I am really proud of my grade for Effective Teaching in Youth Ministry. It was an A-. yay. I was so sure I was going to get like a C or something, but I got an A- and it made me so happy. Especially since I didn't do very well on my last two messages. I'm still waiting for two more of my grades to come in and then I'll see how I really did this semester.
So now I am at home and I'm going to enjoy a good 3 week vacation before I go back to school and start a new semester. I'm only taking 14 credit hours this semester (I may add another class before the beginning of the semester).

I am free... and I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

I would rather be doing anything other than what I'm supposed to be doing right now.... which is restoring my interpersonal communications paper to it's formal glory. Friday was a rough day for me. I'd been living on very little sleep for 3 days and Friday I just broke down. If people weren't worried about me, they might have thought I was hilarious. I was crying uncontrollably, and then somewhere in the mix I started laughing uncontrollably. So here I am and I can't control my emotions. Have you ever cried and laughed at the same time? It's a strange sensation. It's confusing because you don't know how you really feel. So anyway, I cried and laughed uncontrollably for the next few hours. I've never had anything like that happen before, but the further away friday gets, the less I remember about it. When you are severely sleep deprived and extremely stressed, I guess the mind just loses it for a few hours. I also had a horrible headache and I couldn't concentrate. I felt really horrible about myself. I just kept saying that God had been really gracious to me and I'd overextended his grace and I didn't deserve anymore.

So I decided to try to catch up on sleep gradually instead of sleeping for 15 hours straight and ending up being on a sleeping pattern where I didn't sleep at night. So pretty much I've been trying to get between 9 and 10 hours of sleep and I'm just not feeling it.

The weekend was way too short this week. I went to the midnight breakfast on Friday (even though I should have just stayed home and slept), Friday I worked, Sunday I spent most of the day at house church. And now here I am, nothing to do until noon tomorrow (today?) which is just turning in a paper anyway.

Finals week is the best week of the semester because it's the least stressful. No worries about classes. If you don't know the material by now it doesn't matter because you're screwed if you try to memorize 500 vocab words in a week. Yeah... freedom to do what you want, when you want, but yet still a need for responsiblity and great socialization.

oh yes... it also snowed. It was great.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Everything makes me think of him!

Do you ever have one of those days when no matter what you do, no matter who you encounter, whatever you see, read, hear, and experience, you think of one specific person. Do you have those days when you find yourself in a contast state of daydreaming because everything makes you think of that person? I just spend the last 20 minutes writing in my journal just about the way he makes me feel.
It's weird. When I fall, I fall hard and I never expect it, but it's not like it's a sudden thing though. I gradually develop feeling over a period of several months until one day it hits me. Wham! There we go.
He's so distracting. I have to concentrate on my schoolwork. AGH.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007


It's snowing! I love the snow. It reminds me of my fond memories of growing up. Building snowmen, and snow forts, digging tunnels through snow drifts, snowball fights, making snow angels, and just having fun... back when life was simple.

We've gotten away from simplicity. We run and go and do things. Our schedules are packed. We buy more stuff, do more stuff, accomplish so much. But we're tired out, worn out, stressed out, and burnt out... Arent' we?

But sitting here watching the snow fall... it's so peaceful.