Saturday, May 31, 2008

I'm feeling a little more worn out than usual...Earlier today I had dizziness, muscle aches, nauseousness, I still feel shaky, I had a headache earlier, and I had this kind of clammy sweat and I felt like I could pass out. I think it was because I needed to eat something.
When I walked home, I don't think I was thinking clearly. It was raining and I could very well have asked for a ride or called my dad to see if could pick me up, but I just walked through the rain. The only things I can really remember... I think I kept triping over my own feet and I felt like my backpack weighed a ton (I didnt pack it any differenly than I usually do) and each step seemed to require more energy than the last one(it took me 10 minutes longer than it usually does to walk home today)... I wanted to crawl into bed and go to sleep, but I needed to eat something and head back to church.

So I tried to eat left over sloppy joes and as I was eating it I noticed the bottom of the bun was green... joe didn't stay with me, that tipped off the nauseousness and I lost it. Thats okay, I wouldn't have let it stay with me anyway. Gross. But throwing up didn't exactly help me to feel any better. Of course, why would it, it never has.

But anyway, that would be a hypoglycemic reaction for you. I'm not hypoglycemic, that's just something that normally happens when your blood sugar gets too low. I don't know how severe it was, but I'm still feeling lousy and I think its time to acknowledge my fatigue.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

I despise sarcasm. Sarcasm is degrading. When has it ever been used in a way that isn't belittling or offensive? Even when that is not the users intent, that is what happens. Even if it's not recieved that way, that is what happens. It's the very definition of sarcasm!!!

Why is it that I must have a 'bad box' to not like sarcasm, to feel that it's degrading? Why mock me? Honestly, why? I can take a joke and I love jokes, I don't mind being teased somtimes, but mocking me is not funny!

Or why say that words are just words? What do you want from me when you say that? Are you implying that words are all I have? Are you trying to tell me that you see me as all talk and no action?

I realized a long, long time ago that words by themselves are insufficient, but I also know that words are not without meaning. Everything that is came in to being by spoken word.

James 2:17 says that 'faith without works is dead', but I tell you that works without faith is meaningless. I think the same is true of words. Neither are meant to stand alone.

If a person says he loves me, but does not act with love toward me, I wouldn't believe him. If that same person acted with love toward me, but never said "I love you", I would be confused.
I can lead by example and help out at Project Valpo, but if I never invite people to join me, how would they ever know that I wanted them too?

I can serve others and hand out drinks at Project Valpo, but without words how would the people who ask, "what are you doing this for?" know that we do it because God loves them?

The Bible is a book of words, but those words hold life, and truth, and meaning, conviction, freedom, hope, instruction, purpose, and love. Without the words of the Bible, how would I have known what Jesus did for us?

So what do you mean when you say words are just words? What is your purpose? What do you want, what do you expect? Because I don't know what your words mean.


I found this when I was looking at other videos related to the one I posted below, I thought it was beautiful.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

So many...

Emotional highs and lows. Agitation, pfft. Why? I've been feeling agitated since about... 2pm I think. I asked God why I am feeling agitated and what to do about it. Well, now I know. I'm agitated because my heart wants something and doesn't want something... And I am powerless either way. What did God tell me to do about it? 1st Peter 5:7.
duh! Well, God, its in your hands, I trust you. Romans 8:28.

You know... I was having a good dream last night but it turned into a bad dream. I woke up crying, I don't cry easily. Stupid dream...

I'm tired. I feel worn out... and cold. I can't seem to warm up or stay warm. That's unusual for me.

I sat out and watched the stars tonight (which didn't help me warm up at all), I saw ten satellites and two shooting stars. It was the first time in my life that I've ever seen a shooting star and I saw two of them. They were God kisses.

I found this on youtube and I thought it was fantastic. its a monologue about the woman at the well, what she would say to Jesus.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I am blessed.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Project Valpo

I had a great time passing out soda's to people today, holding signs, taking pictures, putting cards on the cans, yelling 'red light!' and 'green light', carrying heavy containers, holding cold soda's, waving to people passing by, smiling, telling people God loves them, encouraging people, seeing two of the people that I've met on my walks, praying, laughing, bidding the lights to turn red and stay red, walking through Valplayso to pass out soda's, giving soda's to the protesters...

This was a really good day and I really felt like God was there and even ordaining our meetings with some of the people.

But now I'm at home, and it's like there is this emptiness. But I guess it's almost natural to feel empy after you've spent time pouring out to other people. And that's why it's important to 'refill' everyday. We ask God to fill us up so He can pour us out. :-)

If I'm wrong, someone tell me.

Anyway, I'm going to 'refill' and have some alone time with God.


Friday, May 23, 2008

This song is so overused at weddings... but it's still a beautiful song. Okay... So I'm a hopeless romantic. :-)

(this video gets a little weird)

Today was kind of blah, but only in the sense that I felt yucky and tired. Other than that I feel quite content...

And then I pick up Irresistable Revolution again and my heart begins to race and I get butterflies in my stomach and feel a sense of urgency and longing flood through me. I want to be a revolutionary or as Shane Claiborne puts it, an ordinary radical. I don't want rewards or recognition or anything. I just want to see the world change.

As I'm reading through this book, I also get this incredible sense of peace that overwhelms me (overwhelming peace, HA, seems an oxymoron statement.)

I don't know. It's like every question, every thought that I have ever had in regards to this topic, he addresses in the book.
I keep thinking about when Naomi, Laura and I would walk up and down Michigan street on Friday nights and hand out sandwiches from the acorn to homeless people. The people we'd meet....they were beautiful children of the king... it was so God ordained! Why did I stop going? Oh right... SLE met for one of our dinners on Fridays. SLE was fun, and it was a group of people committed to social jusctice, but I wish it wouldn't have taken the place of giving food to homeless people.


I meet some beautiful people when I go for walks:
Erica, who tried to carry a case of bottled water on her head...
the lady who walks her dog up and down nickelplate...
Bob, who goes to the methodist church and thinks Shane Claiborne is a modern day prophet...
the woman with the beautiful flowers in front of her house and huge backyard that her grandkids play in, she's so friendly...
the woman who lives next to the railroad tracks and likes to drink beer (God bless her, her life doesn't seem easy)...

I see God in all of them. They're beautiful.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

I'm confused... because I don't know how to please you, but I really want to.

Things just... don't seem right.

What am I supposed to do?

Monday, May 19, 2008

Thoughts and such

My heart feels heavy tonight. I'm sure the reason is a mix of many things, and I'm confident that tomorrow I will feel better, at least after getting a good night of rest anyway. But I guess there's always a chance that the heaviness won't go away.

I wonder if I could describe the physical feeling of heaviness on my heart.... Well, first of all, I don't think it's physically my heart that feels the heaviness, but rather my whole being feels under it, but not like a laziness, I feel pretty energized. It's like the heaviness is on my soul. It feels like fullness and emptiness at the same time. It's weird, I feel overloaded with emotion, yet drained of all emotion at the same time. I don't know if I'm feeling a single dominant emotion, or if all of my emotions are trying to express themselves at the same time. There's a sadness and a longing.. Oh, I have no idea. Have you ever cried deeply over something? It's the same feeling you get when you've finished crying (except I haven't cried).

I think sometimes I think too deeply about things. The feeling of a heaviness over my heart/soul came on after thinking about body image and girls and the way media has destroyed so many young girls and women's perceptions of themselves, and many young boys and men's perceptions of what women should be. Who still sees what God sees? Media is another stupid serpent in the garden telling the world that women are less than what God created them to be. Pornography, prostitution, eating disorders, promiscuity and premarital sex, cutting and other self harm, depression, chronic dieting, suicide... and what else? All these things (and more) have the potential to be rooted back to women's self-perception, and societies perception of women.

I HATE IT!!!!!

Transparent and unashamed... I guess I still struggle to see myself the way God sees me. Some days it's more of a struggle than others and the struggle encompasses soooo much more than whether I see myself through God's eyes or the worlds.

... I know you cant see the thought processes that bring me to some of the sudden changes of topics, but you gotta realize, some things are for privileged eyes and ears only... I guess you never really know whose privileged. Anyway, here's the new topic

Life Goals!!! I've rewritten my life goals from scratch. I wrote down only the things that tugged my heart strings. So far here they are:

The list in no particular order (since they're posted erratically on my wall and I'm just looking up at them)
  1. Graduate College
  2. Write a book
  3. Become fluent in another langauge
  4. Develop a healthier lifestyle
  5. Memorize the Bible
  6. Never stop learning
  7. See the world through God's eyes
  8. Be a revolutionary
  9. Fall in love with God again every day
  10. Marry a man who loves God, will be my partner in ministry(if I need to explain this part, ask, because it's probably not meant in the way you might have interpreted it), and values me the way God values me.

Thought shift... Do you ever think about God as someone who is pursuing your heart as a lover? Do you ever watch the snow fall outside and feel like God is painting you a beautiful picture, or seen a field scattered with Dandelions and felt like God put them there just for you as though you were receiving the most elaborate bouquet ever, or have you ever woken up to the sound of birds singing right outside your window and felt like God was serenading you? I have. I've come to a place where I see God pursuing my heart and singing me a love song and writing me beautiful love letters. When this happened, I began to realize that God is writing my love story, not just the story between Him and myself, but between me and my future spouse. Realizing that God wants my heart first has given me a greater passion to pursue holiness and purity and it amazes me to think how much more I value myself because I finally see how God values me.

You know... even though I can see how now might not be the time for this, I really look forward to the day when God blesses me with a husband and family.

hmm... wow.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

I wear short sleeves to support my right to bare arms. hehe

So I was reminded subtly today that I actually have a blog, so now I want to write in it. I don't know if anyone reads it anymore since I stopped posting for .... 3 months? What shall I do? Bare my heart to the world hoping some random person I don't even know will stop by to read my drama and make me feel oh so much better about myself because I'm an attention whore? Ha, not likely.

Should I be watching the way I write in my blog lest I lose my credability? Am I being too cynical? Obstinate? Ornery? Facetious? ooh no.... Sarcastic? Yes, I despise sarcasm. No I'm not being sarcastic. I really don't like it (at least when you use it when speaking to an actual person). I think what I don't like is that if you use sarcasm in speaking to an actual person, I feel like you're saying, "You're an idiot and I'm going to make fun of you for it now." I don't like to be belittled, or to see others belittled.

Ephesians 4:29 says "let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

I guess this is an area that I'm not doing too well in. How often are the things that I say uplifting or beneficial to others? Being ornery and facetious, playing devils advocate(sorry Naomi), just simply having a negative response to something... Sounds more like I'm being a jerk than loving people like I'm supposed to.

Can you imagine what this world would be like if the words that came out of everyone's mouths were always positive and uplifting 100 percent of the time?
that reminds me of something... check this out:

Eh, That's all.