Monday, May 19, 2008

Thoughts and such

My heart feels heavy tonight. I'm sure the reason is a mix of many things, and I'm confident that tomorrow I will feel better, at least after getting a good night of rest anyway. But I guess there's always a chance that the heaviness won't go away.

I wonder if I could describe the physical feeling of heaviness on my heart.... Well, first of all, I don't think it's physically my heart that feels the heaviness, but rather my whole being feels under it, but not like a laziness, I feel pretty energized. It's like the heaviness is on my soul. It feels like fullness and emptiness at the same time. It's weird, I feel overloaded with emotion, yet drained of all emotion at the same time. I don't know if I'm feeling a single dominant emotion, or if all of my emotions are trying to express themselves at the same time. There's a sadness and a longing.. Oh, I have no idea. Have you ever cried deeply over something? It's the same feeling you get when you've finished crying (except I haven't cried).

I think sometimes I think too deeply about things. The feeling of a heaviness over my heart/soul came on after thinking about body image and girls and the way media has destroyed so many young girls and women's perceptions of themselves, and many young boys and men's perceptions of what women should be. Who still sees what God sees? Media is another stupid serpent in the garden telling the world that women are less than what God created them to be. Pornography, prostitution, eating disorders, promiscuity and premarital sex, cutting and other self harm, depression, chronic dieting, suicide... and what else? All these things (and more) have the potential to be rooted back to women's self-perception, and societies perception of women.

I HATE IT!!!!!

Transparent and unashamed... I guess I still struggle to see myself the way God sees me. Some days it's more of a struggle than others and the struggle encompasses soooo much more than whether I see myself through God's eyes or the worlds.

... I know you cant see the thought processes that bring me to some of the sudden changes of topics, but you gotta realize, some things are for privileged eyes and ears only... I guess you never really know whose privileged. Anyway, here's the new topic

Life Goals!!! I've rewritten my life goals from scratch. I wrote down only the things that tugged my heart strings. So far here they are:

The list in no particular order (since they're posted erratically on my wall and I'm just looking up at them)
  1. Graduate College
  2. Write a book
  3. Become fluent in another langauge
  4. Develop a healthier lifestyle
  5. Memorize the Bible
  6. Never stop learning
  7. See the world through God's eyes
  8. Be a revolutionary
  9. Fall in love with God again every day
  10. Marry a man who loves God, will be my partner in ministry(if I need to explain this part, ask, because it's probably not meant in the way you might have interpreted it), and values me the way God values me.

Thought shift... Do you ever think about God as someone who is pursuing your heart as a lover? Do you ever watch the snow fall outside and feel like God is painting you a beautiful picture, or seen a field scattered with Dandelions and felt like God put them there just for you as though you were receiving the most elaborate bouquet ever, or have you ever woken up to the sound of birds singing right outside your window and felt like God was serenading you? I have. I've come to a place where I see God pursuing my heart and singing me a love song and writing me beautiful love letters. When this happened, I began to realize that God is writing my love story, not just the story between Him and myself, but between me and my future spouse. Realizing that God wants my heart first has given me a greater passion to pursue holiness and purity and it amazes me to think how much more I value myself because I finally see how God values me.

You know... even though I can see how now might not be the time for this, I really look forward to the day when God blesses me with a husband and family.

hmm... wow.

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