Some thoughts on Pregnancy

I've had a myriad of thoughts running through my mind... I'm exposed to a lot of things... different opinions and viewpoints. I read, I listen, and I pay attention when people might think I'm not.  And I research.  I actually don't like to passively dismiss other viewpoints, even though some people might feel that if I disagree with them, then I've done exactly that....The point is this: When I make a decision about something or form an opinion on something... it's pretty rare that you'll find me uninformed. So I've been doing some thinking and researching.

One of the things I ran across today was a blogpost someone had posted on facebook where a woman had written about her pregnancy and how miserable it was for her.  She wrote of crippling morning sickness, feeling bloated, weight gain, getting kicked in the spine and a whole host of other things.   She sounded genuinely miserable during her pregnancy. But one thing she spoke of was the loneliness she felt.

This idea of pregnancy and birth being a beautiful thing was lost on this woman because of the miseries she felt, but the loneliness that followed her was the result of the "beauty of pregnancy" being lost on her.  She felt outcasted and looked down upon because she didn't enjoy the experience and was actually chastized for it, and made to feel like she wouldn't be able to be a good mother.

On the flip side, I have also seen some women who have had difficulties trying to concieve or have miscarried who look at the complaints women who are miserable make, and are hurt by those complaints. 

   I have a friend who miscarried and she is now pregnant again and she thanks God for her morning sickness, and her back aches, and the frequent need to run to the restroom and all sorts of other miserable pregnancy symptoms because the truth of the matter is that those miserable symptoms of pregnancy are often signs that your body is doing exactly what it needs to produce a healthy baby.  She knows that.   I've also seen her comment after she originally miscarried that she would gladly take the symptoms other women were complaining about if it meant she could have her precious baby back in her womb. 

.... It is difficult for me to say that I really know what either woman is going through, because I really don't.  I've never been pregnant, I've never miscarried, I've never tried to concieve but found myself unable.  I know being nauseated when I've got the flu is miserable for me, and I already feel like I use the restroom a lot as it it, but thats about the best I can do to identify with the first woman.  The second woman... I think I actually identify with her more, which is crazy because I've never tried to concieve, let alone miscarried a child, right? 

I think the reason I identify with the second woman is because my own fertility has come into question for me. I had an ovarian cyst (at least, that's what they believe it was) burst when I was in high school, and I believe it happened a second time when I was in college.   Now there are other reasons for this thought, some of them are simply too personal to share.  I try to blame my weight gain for any issues I have.  I tell myself if I lose weight, the questions will go away because everything will go back to normal, but thats my guess.  I couldn't really tell you what's going on in my body. 

But what I can tell you is that the possibility of being infertile scares me... a lot. My hearts desire is to serve God through marriage and family. Im still working on the first part.... :-)  But it can be a scary thing to think that you may have to deal with something that could keep you from your hearts desire.   I have to continually put my hope back in God and remind myself that He is the giver of dreams and my life is complete in Him.  Everything else is icing.   I have to remind myself, and sometimes ask God to help me remember that I find my fulfilment in Him alone and if neither marriage nor bearing children is to never be a part of my life, then I will praise and love Him the same as if it were.

But that's beside the point I want to make.   What I'm trying to say is that hearing other women complain about something that I want so much can be a sensitive issue for me too, even though I've never had trouble trying to concieve or difficulty maintaining the pregnancy because it's not a part of my life right now. It sometimes bothers me to hear other women complain about their symptoms because it just reminds me of a fear that Im already bringing to God on a daily basis.  I can only imagine what it's like for women who are really experiencing what I only fear.

But does that mean the first woman was wrong?  No, not really.  Then, does it mean that I and the second woman are wrong about our feeling?  Again, I really dont think so.

 I truly and honestly believe pregnancy is a beautiful thing.   It it simply amazing to me that a few small cells can become what you and I are today.  It is amazing to me what a womans body does to accomodate the life that grows inside of her.  I am fascinated by the love a mother can have for something that made her so miserable for nine months. 

But I also know that God says to the woman in Scripture very plainly "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children."  I feel like the first womans experience gave me a whole new insight to this verse. (it's not just about needing the epidural during the birth process, lol) There is indeed an ugliness that is associated with pregnancy.  There is pain beyond the child leaving the womb.  

What this leads me to is the question of how we minister to both of these women where they are at. The truth is that their feelings can easily feed off of one another. One needs hope, the other ecouragement.   How can both have an outlet for their feelings without making the other feel bad somehow? 

For now I guess thats going to be something I'll be trying to figure out.

God is the Great Romancer

One of the things I think becomes evident to a person as they fall deeper in love with God is the realitity that He is more than Savior, more than friend, more than Father, more than creator, more than whatever role you choose to describe him. He is not one thing to us, He is all, and in all, and over all... He reveals a little more of His character to us as we have that need for Him.

God is the Great Romancer.  He is husband, and He is lover. And sometimes He gives us a little poetry.  This is gold.

We live like we don't need God.

I have no desire to be here (at Bethel). I have no desire to finish my degree. But it's not just a lack of desire, I desire to be somewhere else. I desire to be doing something besides what I'm doing right now.

What's to be said for a change of heart? If I stay at Bethel I what do I gain? If I leave, what do I lose? On the other hand... What do I gain by leaving? What do I lose by staying?

Here we go again.

What is gained if my ministry stays in the church? What is lost? Doing youth ministry doesn't necessarily mean that I have to do ministry in the walls of a building... but I wonder how much more effective ministry would be if I just did life with people... The way Halter and Smay describe it in The Tangible Kingdom.

No programs. No agenda. Just life.

I want that.

What purposelessness overtakes my present plan. Why?

I want to live spontaneously. I want to live the daring adventure of being totally sold out for Christ. I want to be radical, off the wall, fully committed to the God I love.

I don't want to have a back up plan...

You know what breaks my heart? We... as Christians, or American Christians... or I don't even know... don't have it in us to live radically.

Is it a faith issue?

Why are we so addicted to security?

I'm not seeking that we should be irresponsible, only that we should live in radical dependence on God, and we don't.

If Scripture says:

"Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" (Matthew 6:26)

Then:

Why do we have savings accounts? Why do we have emergency funds? Why do we have life insurance? Why do we save up for retirement?

If Scripture says:

"Very truly I tell you, the one who believes in me will also do the works that I do and, in fact, will do greater works than these, because I am going to the Father." (John 14:12)

Then:

Why is it that we don't even try to heal the sick or to cast out demons or move mountains? Jesus goes on to say, right after this very passage: "I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If in my name you ask me for anything, I will do it." (John 14:13-14)

If Scripture says:

"Jesus answered him, 'You would have no power over me unless it had been given you from above...'" (John 19:11)

Then:
Why are we so flippin' worried and horrified that Obama is going to be our next president? Even if another Hitler should rise up, what is that to us? If we know Christ then we know what we ought to do. We need to pray for our leaders. We need to pray for our country. We need to share the love of Christ with the world.

You know... Sometimes God doesn't seem real to me. Sometimes, at best, he seems absent and univolved. But I think that's because I live as though I don't need him. He is the genie who might grant my wish if I pray long enough, hard enough, and do the right stuff.

I'm so tired of that kind of living. I want to really, truly live like I need God in my life, because I do, and I wish there were other people who would do the same. I wish there were other people around me who would committ to living radically.

I don't think many people realize that their faith does effect others around them.

I don't know if this blogpost is really going anywhere right now. I just know that something has got to change.

I AM

 

I need help... I AM 

I need hope... I AM 

I need a fresh start... I AM

My vision is bigger than my resources... I AM 

Who can I trust...  I AM

I'm not sure who's on my team... I AM

My marriage is sinking and I don't know what to do... I AM

My kids deserve more... I AM

I'm pouring into others who's pouring into me... I AM

I've given all I can give and it's not enough... I AM

I'm tired...

I can't...

I quit...

... I AM

John 14: 6:  Jesus answered:  "I am the way, the truth, and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me."

What a message.   I AM.... the answer.  Who is my hope, who is my fresh beginning, who is on my team, who is pouring into me, who is enough.... I AM.  But more than that I see that even when life is more than we can bear alone... I AM.   Not I was... not I will be...  But I AM.  I always have been and I always will be.  God is still God no matter what our circumstances are. He is still above all and greater than all.  

Oh how often we diminish God.  How often I diminish Him. 

Thoughts and such

My heart feels heavy tonight. I'm sure the reason is a mix of many things, and I'm confident that tomorrow I will feel better, at least after getting a good night of rest anyway. But I guess there's always a chance that the heaviness won't go away.

I wonder if I could describe the physical feeling of heaviness on my heart.... Well, first of all, I don't think it's physically my heart that feels the heaviness, but rather my whole being feels under it, but not like a laziness, I feel pretty energized. It's like the heaviness is on my soul. It feels like fullness and emptiness at the same time. It's weird, I feel overloaded with emotion, yet drained of all emotion at the same time. I don't know if I'm feeling a single dominant emotion, or if all of my emotions are trying to express themselves at the same time. There's a sadness and a longing.. Oh, I have no idea. Have you ever cried deeply over something? It's the same feeling you get when you've finished crying (except I haven't cried).

I think sometimes I think too deeply about things. The feeling of a heaviness over my heart/soul came on after thinking about body image and girls and the way media has destroyed so many young girls and women's perceptions of themselves, and many young boys and men's perceptions of what women should be. Who still sees what God sees? Media is another stupid serpent in the garden telling the world that women are less than what God created them to be. Pornography, prostitution, eating disorders, promiscuity and premarital sex, cutting and other self harm, depression, chronic dieting, suicide... and what else? All these things (and more) have the potential to be rooted back to women's self-perception, and societies perception of women.

I HATE IT!!!!!

Transparent and unashamed... I guess I still struggle to see myself the way God sees me. Some days it's more of a struggle than others and the struggle encompasses soooo much more than whether I see myself through God's eyes or the worlds.

... I know you cant see the thought processes that bring me to some of the sudden changes of topics, but you gotta realize, some things are for privileged eyes and ears only... I guess you never really know whose privileged. Anyway, here's the new topic

Life Goals!!! I've rewritten my life goals from scratch. I wrote down only the things that tugged my heart strings. So far here they are:

The list in no particular order (since they're posted erratically on my wall and I'm just looking up at them)

1. Graduate College
2. Write a book
3. Become fluent in another langauge
4. Develop a healthier lifestyle
5. Memorize the Bible
6. Never stop learning
7. See the world through God's eyes
8. Be a revolutionary
9. Fall in love with God again every day
10. Marry a man who loves God, will be my partner in ministry(if I need to explain this part, ask, because it's probably not meant in the way you might have interpreted it), and values me the way God values me.

Thought shift... Do you ever think about God as someone who is pursuing your heart as a lover? Do you ever watch the snow fall outside and feel like God is painting you a beautiful picture, or seen a field scattered with Dandelions and felt like God put them there just for you as though you were receiving the most elaborate bouquet ever, or have you ever woken up to the sound of birds singing right outside your window and felt like God was serenading you? I have. I've come to a place where I see God pursuing my heart and singing me a love song and writing me beautiful love letters. When this happened, I began to realize that God is writing my love story, not just the story between Him and myself, but between me and my future spouse. Realizing that God wants my heart first has given me a greater passion to pursue holiness and purity and it amazes me to think how much more I value myself because I finally see how God values me.

You know... even though I can see how now might not be the time for this, I really look forward to the day when God blesses me with a husband and family.

hmm... wow.

Post 50... yay....

So it's definitely almost 5 am and I find myself sitting here, not ready to sleep, not wanting to do anything else constructive... but just thinking... wondering... considering possibilities and the meaning of it all.

So I definitely think that I'm viewed as the religous nut of the family(referring to bother immediate and extended family), and it kind of bothers me. Why do I feel that my family looks at me this way? Comments. Attitudes toward me. Poking fun at me.
I'll give you a few examples. My aunt Carla comes over and she's telling a story and she says to me that she is going to do a lot of swearing and apologizes in advance then tells me that I might want to leave the room if it bothers me too much. I guess the thing is that I wonder where this comment came from. I've never said anything to anyone about their swearing, I've never asked anyone not to, I've never given anyone a dirty look for doing so or reacted to them for doing so or anything of the sort, I've never even expressed displeasure in it, I just simply don't swear. I'm not saying I do enjoy profane language or anything, but I just can't help but wonder where in my silence they are finding these ideas.
Also, my cousin Christopher chose not to invite me to his new years party because there would be drinking and he just figured I didn't want to be around it. The funny thing is that I'm around it whenever the family meets for July 4th celebration, or Christmas Eve Party, and other big get togethers. I see people drink and get drunk and I never say a word. I never talk down to them, or tell them they shouldn't drink, or that I think it's wrong or anything of the sort. The only thing that I can think of me having said is that I turned down an alcoholic drink because it is against Bethel's rules for me to drink alcohol and I want to be a person of integrity and follow the rules Bethel has put in place for me. Where in my silence did he come to the conclusion that I wouldn't want to enjoy a party with my family just because people would be drinking? I actually get that from people a lot. For some reason they assume that I wouldn't want to be a part of something for some reason and I don't even get to decide for myself whether I wanted to be a part of it or not. I guess I'm feeling really left out.

I think another part of it is that I feel like my family doesn't take me seriously especially when it comes to faith/spiritual matters. Anytime something comes up about God and faith, religion and spirituality, jokes start flying, and I'm often at the butt of them. The most recent joke was about meeting guys in church and how you don't want to do that because all they want to do is get married. Okay, I missed the humor, then they took it to another level saying "so they can get into your pants." I still don't get the joke, but they thought it was funny.

I didn't want to be one of those people who yells "sinner!" at everyone in my family because they do something I might not agree with, so I've simply not condemned them at all, I mean, who I am to judge, I can't fill God's shoes. Nor have I thought or acted like I'm better than them, I have plenty of other sins I need to account for, why should I worry or believe that I'm somehow less of a sinner than them?
But then I've wondered about my silence. I don't condemn them, and I'm not sorry for that... but I don't really speak up too much, do I? I don't tell them what is right and wrong, I don't tell them about the love and grace and forgiveness that comes through Jesus Christ. I don't know what to say to them. This is my family, my worst fear for them is not that they wont ever come to Christ, but that I would push them away from Christ.

I see them hurting. I seek them seeking for love, and approval, and fulfillment in all these different things and those things have left them feeling empty and alone. I see their suffering and I just want to show them Jesus, but I don't know how.

But I'm the religious nut. I go to church every Sunday and I enjoy it so much I help out at youth group and attend midweek Bible Studies.
I'm the religious nut. I talk to God even when I don't want something from Him. Furthermore, I believe that He actually has power and authority and that my prayers make a difference.
I'm the religious nut who turns the other cheek and doesn't seek revenge on those who wrong me.
I'm the religious nut who believes in love and mercy before judgement.
I'm the religious nut who is dedicating my life to knowing God personally so I can teach others, particularly teenagers, to become religious nuts who know Him personally.

Oh goodness... I hope I'm not religious. I don't want to be religious because this isn't just a religion to me, this is my life, my purpose, my reason, my being. I live and move and breathe and exist because of God. He is everything to me and I am nothing without Him. He is not the crutch I lean on, He is the foundation I stand upon.

I wonder how different my life would be if my family, even just my immediate family took God more seriously, that He wasn't just some magic genie that you put away in your closet until you have another wish. How different would life be if God was living and real and active to my family. Tough saying, sometimes I have trouble with seeing God as being real and living and active. But I guess it's true that just when I feel like I've reached the end of my faith, God grants me a little more, just enough to sustain me until my next crisis.
What if my family was on fire for Jesus? Just the five of us... imagine the kingdom impact.

Well, I guess that's going to be all for now, it's almost 6 am. I'm still not tired. Still actually just thinking about things, but I need a break. Maybe I'll write a little bit later.