So it's definitely almost 5 am and I find myself sitting here, not ready to sleep, not wanting to do anything else constructive... but just thinking... wondering... considering possibilities and the meaning of it all.
So I definitely think that I'm viewed as the religous nut of the family(referring to bother immediate and extended family), and it kind of bothers me. Why do I feel that my family looks at me this way? Comments. Attitudes toward me. Poking fun at me.
I'll give you a few examples. My aunt Carla comes over and she's telling a story and she says to me that she is going to do a lot of swearing and apologizes in advance then tells me that I might want to leave the room if it bothers me too much. I guess the thing is that I wonder where this comment came from. I've never said anything to anyone about their swearing, I've never asked anyone not to, I've never given anyone a dirty look for doing so or reacted to them for doing so or anything of the sort, I've never even expressed displeasure in it, I just simply don't swear. I'm not saying I do enjoy profane language or anything, but I just can't help but wonder where in my silence they are finding these ideas.
Also, my cousin Christopher chose not to invite me to his new years party because there would be drinking and he just figured I didn't want to be around it. The funny thing is that I'm around it whenever the family meets for July 4th celebration, or Christmas Eve Party, and other big get togethers. I see people drink and get drunk and I never say a word. I never talk down to them, or tell them they shouldn't drink, or that I think it's wrong or anything of the sort. The only thing that I can think of me having said is that I turned down an alcoholic drink because it is against Bethel's rules for me to drink alcohol and I want to be a person of integrity and follow the rules Bethel has put in place for me. Where in my silence did he come to the conclusion that I wouldn't want to enjoy a party with my family just because people would be drinking? I actually get that from people a lot. For some reason they assume that I wouldn't want to be a part of something for some reason and I don't even get to decide for myself whether I wanted to be a part of it or not. I guess I'm feeling really left out.
I think another part of it is that I feel like my family doesn't take me seriously especially when it comes to faith/spiritual matters. Anytime something comes up about God and faith, religion and spirituality, jokes start flying, and I'm often at the butt of them. The most recent joke was about meeting guys in church and how you don't want to do that because all they want to do is get married. Okay, I missed the humor, then they took it to another level saying "so they can get into your pants." I still don't get the joke, but they thought it was funny.
I didn't want to be one of those people who yells "sinner!" at everyone in my family because they do something I might not agree with, so I've simply not condemned them at all, I mean, who I am to judge, I can't fill God's shoes. Nor have I thought or acted like I'm better than them, I have plenty of other sins I need to account for, why should I worry or believe that I'm somehow less of a sinner than them?
But then I've wondered about my silence. I don't condemn them, and I'm not sorry for that... but I don't really speak up too much, do I? I don't tell them what is right and wrong, I don't tell them about the love and grace and forgiveness that comes through Jesus Christ. I don't know what to say to them. This is my family, my worst fear for them is not that they wont ever come to Christ, but that I would push them away from Christ.
I see them hurting. I seek them seeking for love, and approval, and fulfillment in all these different things and those things have left them feeling empty and alone. I see their suffering and I just want to show them Jesus, but I don't know how.
But I'm the religious nut. I go to church every Sunday and I enjoy it so much I help out at youth group and attend midweek Bible Studies.
I'm the religious nut. I talk to God even when I don't want something from Him. Furthermore, I believe that He actually has power and authority and that my prayers make a difference.
I'm the religious nut who turns the other cheek and doesn't seek revenge on those who wrong me.
I'm the religious nut who believes in love and mercy before judgement.
I'm the religious nut who is dedicating my life to knowing God personally so I can teach others, particularly teenagers, to become religious nuts who know Him personally.
Oh goodness... I hope I'm not religious. I don't want to be religious because this isn't just a religion to me, this is my life, my purpose, my reason, my being. I live and move and breathe and exist because of God. He is everything to me and I am nothing without Him. He is not the crutch I lean on, He is the foundation I stand upon.
I wonder how different my life would be if my family, even just my immediate family took God more seriously, that He wasn't just some magic genie that you put away in your closet until you have another wish. How different would life be if God was living and real and active to my family. Tough saying, sometimes I have trouble with seeing God as being real and living and active. But I guess it's true that just when I feel like I've reached the end of my faith, God grants me a little more, just enough to sustain me until my next crisis.
What if my family was on fire for Jesus? Just the five of us... imagine the kingdom impact.
Well, I guess that's going to be all for now, it's almost 6 am. I'm still not tired. Still actually just thinking about things, but I need a break. Maybe I'll write a little bit later.
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