I feel like someone is playing games with me, like a cat chasing a peice of string, or a dog chasing a laser light. I can see the object (or objective) that I am pursuing and I go after it, I get so close, I can almost taste it... but alas, it is pulled away from me at the last minute. Why? Am I a cat that I should be toyed with?
The fundamental difference between me and a cat is that this is not a game to me, and I don't find it fun to chase and never obtain.
It feels like that is what is happening with everything in my life right now. It's just like this constant game... I don't want this anymore. I really thought I would make it back to Bethel this year. It seemed like things were falling into place, then a huge boulder fell in my path. I thought maybe I could get another more reliable car, another boulder. I want to get into my own apartment, another boulder. I thought maybe I would be able to go to Alabama for a friends wedding who is very dear to me. Things were falling into place, then wham, another boulder is blocking my path.
And then there are the other problems like feeling like my friendships are one sided, my mom suffering from Vitamin D deficiency and diabetes and losing her job, my grandma (the one I'm close to) suffering from a lump on her pancreas that could be cancer, but we dont know because we are waiting on the biopsy, and pancreatic cancer is inoperable, use of illegal subtances by some family members, the excessive use of legal substances by the same family member...
This burden is so heavy. It is as though the floodgates of hell have opened on me and everyone I love!
I feel so... I don't even know if I can describe it... its seems like melodramatic emotionalism to say I feel like I am in my own personal Hell.... But it honestly feels that way to me right now. I can not find a word strong enough to convey the tormentual agony I feel.
I keep waiting for the day when I fall apart. I long for that day. I embrace it.
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