Trust in the Lord

Do you ever have those moments when you have a revelation about something, and then you feel kind of dumb about it because you get that "I should have known better" thing going on?  

Yeah... that happened to me today. 

The revelation was pretty simple, as I was driving home from work, I was listening to the radio and it was one of those quick ads on WFRN 104.7 where they give the verse quickly and get the point across in a few sentences. I didn't hear the quick message because I got distracted by the verse.   It was Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. (NRSV)
(Just a quick sidenote, The radio used the NIV, but I am loving the NRSV translation).

Do you see what is happening here?

This verse is like a blue print!!!!  If the goal given us in this verse is to have our paths made straight, we are given instructions with what we need to do to achieve that goal. First, by trusting in the Lord with all our heart, and also by acknowledging God in everything.

So trusting God can be really hard sometimes, especially when your hope of a future seems dim. At times I would venture to say that acknowledging God in everything can be easier than trusting him with all your heart.  How does a person continue to trust God so much when they feel like they are constantly given reasons and experiences that undermine the idea that we are to fully trust God?

And so I realized I've been reading the verse more like this:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

How can I brush over such a vital part of the verse?   I'm going to stick by the idea that this verse is a blue print because  it really seems to work.  That part of the verse that got overlooked is the part of the verse that tells me HOW to do this whole trust thing.

When we recognize that we can't look to our own understanding (or insight), it is then that we are able to view the situation from a different point of view that could very well alter our (subconsious?) response to trusting God with everything or not.  

This is the way I see it. If it is my desire to get married, and I believe God had shown me that marriage will be a part of my future, but I'm not dating anyone, and I haven't been dating anyone for a long time... and come to think of it, I'm not really meeting anyone who is a good prospect to be a Godly husband.... I might begin to doubt what I believe God had revealed to me.

But that's because my thinking is: I'm not dating anyone, I don't see anyone who is "God-approved" for me to date in the future.  Maybe God didn't reveal that marriage would be a part of my life.  God doesn't care about my desires.Therefore, I can't trust him with my heart.

Wow. But when we realize that we don't always know why God allows the things he does, we can start to make a different perspective. 

Maybe God is keeping me single because I have some growing or healing to do (Or maybe my beloved does). Or maybe  God knows that I want to finish college first (or fill in the blank).  Maybe I'm not walking in obedience to God and He is waiting on me. Maybe it's just not time yet, and we will never know the reason why. 

But whether the issue is marriage or some other desire, the realization that our own way of understanding things is hardly adequate for interpreting whether God is trustworthy.  His ways are not our ways.  He sees beyond what we can see.

Sometimes we have to have this realization 5 or 6 times before it sinkes in.

A Revelation that started in an odd way...

I had a revelation of sorts. I've been lying in my bed trying to rest and pray about how to respond to my one of my roommates who had a bad reaction to an issue I brought up. I was thinking about how her response was malicious and intended to be hurtful, and how my desires were at war within me. Part of me.... most of me, actually... wanted so much to rip into her and do as much as I possibly could to tear her down and hurt her and destroy her with my words. But a part of me, as small as it might have been, did not want to destroy her because i knew it would destroy my witness with both her and her bpyfriend, and I desperately want both of them to know the power and love of Jesus.

So as my desires warred within me, I texted my roommate and told her I wanted to talk to her face to face. I have not spoken with her yet since she hasn't come home yet, but I have been praying and I gradually started to plan ways to talk to her that addressed each issue in the note she left, in a way that wasn't lashing out at her, but still gave me the sense that I would be receiving justice. But then, I thought about that and how selfish that was that I demand justice and I began to pray that God would release the desire for justice from my heart and teach me to respond with love and compassion.

I was silent for a little while and still desiring justice for myself, when I started thanking God for that little part of me that didn't want to destroy my roommate because I knew that meant that God was working on me and that the Holy Spirit was present in my life. And in the midst of thanking God for all this, the desire for justice left me completely and was replaced with a desire to show Jamie grace and forgiveness. And he filled me with such amazing compassion for her I wanted to weep. The event where Jesus entered a town and wept over it because the people were "harrassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." Ran through my mind.
Even though I have not spoken with her yet, I have full confidence that God has won this battle and I will not destroy my witness with her tonight and that tonight she will know what it is to be loved by God.

With all that said, that was not even the revelation I had, that was only a side event in what has been a very long day for me.

So anyway, as I laid in bed and thought about this and prayed and tried to rest, my mind started relaxing and drifting. I started thinking about marraige (I suppose because one of the thing I kept thinking in my anger was that what I had judged to be in my roommates heart was why relationships come to and end and marriages fall apart.)

So I was thinking about how this is probably going to be what marriage is, learning to love selflessly, and how I imagine that there would be issues and how my beloved and I would need to learn how to live together. I thought about a Guy friend of mine, one that, though I'm not particularly attracted to him right now, I am attracted to his spirit and I would count him a worthy husband. I imagined if the two of us fought and how sick it made me feel to think that I would act unlovingly towards him, but I believe realistically, any man I marry is not going to be perfect and neither will I be and that there will be disagreements and things we have to work at. But I marveled at that idea and the thought popped into my head that the man I marry should be blessed by marrying me and not burdened. If I'm going into a marriage and I'm carrying bad boxes and attitudes, and if I bring strife to the marriage, or excessive uncontrolled debt, or if I'm not willing to be a "help meet", or to do my part to clean, raise children, cook, balance a checkbook, encourage him, support his ministry or whatever.... what it comes down to is that if I'm living selfishly, I become a burden to my husband, and I have no business entering into a covenant relationship with him or anyone else because marriage should honor God.

I am thankful for this time I have now as a single woman. though I haven't enjoyed many of the trials and learning experiences, I am so thankful that he who began a good work in me is continually working to bring it to completion, for my future spouse, if God chooses to bless me that way, and for the love of God he is teaching me to love all people with his heart and what that means. I am truly blessed.

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Another Face lost in the Crowd, Another soul too jaded to hang around....

Okay, let me be blunt.  After talking with a friend tonight about church, I realized that there are so many things about Life Bridge that I love, but relationally, I feel like I'm starving.

Let me be clear. This is not a new feeling. I don't have these feeling just because I spoke with my friend tonight who Pursued a Different Church Body for exactly that reason.   I spent the first few years at Life Bridge going back and forth to College. If there was a relational disconnect, I was not in a place that I would have been too concerned or noticed. But then... After I left Bethel and started going to church consistently, I was looking for those relationships and I didn't find a lot of them.

Then slowly, one by one people started being called to other churches, the few people I had relationships with, over this past few years started leaving.

So in 2009, I left to work for Camfel Productions and really felt the disconnect. I tried to stay connected to Life Bridge, sending post cards and letters... Tammy called me, and Becca wrote back to me, but I was otherwise unheeded. Out of site out of mind.

I've disconnected since then.   I've gone through incredible depression, loneliness, and junk that hasn't changed much, but I've been trying so hard to feel connected and right, and while things have  improved slighly in my own mind, and with my small group. I still feel terribly disconnected.

The thing that talking with my friend did do, was give me the mind to start praying about whether God wants me to stay at Life Bridge or seek fellowship (ultimitely relationships) somewhere else.

I will admit I have searched other churches online. The thing is that there is so much I love about LifeBridge that I don't want to give up. But I want more an idea of nurturing relationships, I want the practice of it and it's exhausting when you try to be relational and no one responds.

I wonder if this is the struggle my friend  Josh had/is having.

So I will continue to pray.

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's been a good day today.

I had a wonderful meal with my mom and dad, and my brother Josh. Sadly Eric didn't make it because he had to work.

I also had a fantastic time getting to know my dad's side of the family a little better. We've been pretty disconnected for... well most of my life. But today I got the opportunity to just hang out and they are really great people. My Aunt Terry even said that she had a great time getting to know me because she's never had the opportunity to get to know me (and give me pudding shooters).

That's one of the things that has been on my heart for a while now. I just want to build relationships with them. Today was a step in the right direction.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!