In my room, peeing on my bed is a capital offense, but these cats are lucky I don't believe in capital punishment and that all they are getting is their nose rubbed in it, then locked in my bathroom for the night.   Cat pee on my bed makes me feel extremely violated and it will not be tolerated. I am extremely close to throwing the cats outside or dropping them off in the middle of no where and I wouldn't care if they lived or died. Peeing on my bed is THAT serious of an offense.   And yes, I would do it too. I am not as nice of a person as some of you might believe I am.

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Mckinley was wrong, there is nothing beautiful about this mess.

I'm beginning to think that reading is becoming dangerous for me(perhaps, some movies are too)  I've read a few of the popular book series, Harry Potter, Twilight, and now the Hunger Games.   They are all good series, but in each one I find myself so drawn in to the story, so connected to the characters, that when I put the books down (that is, if I didn't read through them in one sitting) I feel like I have to recover and snap myself back to reality.

I don't know if its the fact that its a series so the story is more complex and you get to know the characters on a deeper level, I don't know if its because the characters in each series are facing an epic struggle between what is good and evil...  I remind myself that these books were made into movies for a reason... I think everyone can relate to a struggle between good and evil, whether people want to break the books down that far or not, that's what is is.

And our lives are not nearly as fantastically adventurous... or tragic, but we see something incredible rise out of each character, a purity of heart, strength of character, an iron will, a selfless love, courage, leadership, comradry, beauty... and we want our own strengths to rise up in us and call us all to something greater, to some fantastic adventure that will change the world.  We wonder, where is that in me? Where is my courage, strength, love? Could I see myself stepping up and taking anothers place when it means I would almost certainly be facing my own death?

We want our strengths to be called out but we are too afraid of what it will take for that to happen. How many of the characters in these books faced some sort of personal tradgedy, or grew up in the face of some sort of oppression.  

But we don't want the sacrifice of the pain that it takes to develop or call out these strengths.

I can tell you that when my mom first went to the hospital a few weeks ago,  and we didn't know if they would be able to stop the infection... the thought of my mother dying broke me. Just the mere THOUGHT of it broke me, and to think about it now breaks my heart and brings a flood of tears.

And then, almost two weeks later when they moved to East Chicago, I was so overwhelmed with everything in my life, I sat in my car in the hospital parking area and sobbed bitterly, then when one more thing was thrown in my face, I snapped, and I'm not proud of who I was in that moment.   And then I reached a place of brokenness I didn't know I was capable of.

And I think to myself, wow, where is my strength of character? Where is my courage? Where is my purity of heart? Why was what was called out of me so ugly? 

And I hurt because I realized there is nothing beautiful or worthy in me. And yetI know in my heart that nothing good is called out of me on my own accord, so this can mean one thing to me... I am not connected to the heart of God.   I can go to church, I can read my Bible a few times a week, I can offer up weak prayers on occasion, I can remind myself that I have accepted Christ and that I have been baptized into his name,  but somewhere, sometime, God and I have disconnected, and I desperately need to find that connection again.  What physical poverty can compare to spiritual poverty?    Here I am trying to bring my family and friends to Christ when I need to find him again myself.

Does this really have anything to do with a few books making me feel depressed? I don't know.  I didn't even know this is where this blogpost would end up when I started writing... so perhaps.

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I have never felt so broken.

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I'm growing, but I'm not done yet.

I want to yell at myself and tell me to stop eating my chocolate covered raisins just because they are there.  The difference between me and someone of a healthy weight is that they listen to their bodies and stop after a few peices.

I also want to yell at myself for the desire to spend  money like it's burning a hole in my pocket.  The difference between me and someone who is more well off is that they don't feel the need to spend money just because they have it.

And don't get me started on wasting time. I want to yell at myself for wasting so much time. The difference between me and a person who doesn't waste time is that a person who doesn't waste time realizes that we all get the same amount of time everyday and makes the most of every moment.

It's a matter of how I think about the things that I have.

Food is for nourishment to my body to keep me alive and sustain me day by day.  I eat because my body needs it to survive.  I don't eat because it's an enjoyable activity. 

And money is to use for God's glory. I use it for my needs, I use it to bless others, and occasionally I use it for something nice for myself, But nothing I have is truly my own. It all belongs to God and I'm given the opportunity to invest it wisely. What I do with it will either glorify God, or feed my selfishness.

And time does not discriminate. We all have 24 hours in a day, and 60 minutes in an hour, and 60 seconds in a minute. And even then we are a mere vapor in the wind. If we waste the time we have now, we will never get it back.

Just remember that.

A Revelation that started in an odd way...

I had a revelation of sorts. I've been lying in my bed trying to rest and pray about how to respond to my one of my roommates who had a bad reaction to an issue I brought up. I was thinking about how her response was malicious and intended to be hurtful, and how my desires were at war within me. Part of me.... most of me, actually... wanted so much to rip into her and do as much as I possibly could to tear her down and hurt her and destroy her with my words. But a part of me, as small as it might have been, did not want to destroy her because i knew it would destroy my witness with both her and her bpyfriend, and I desperately want both of them to know the power and love of Jesus.

So as my desires warred within me, I texted my roommate and told her I wanted to talk to her face to face. I have not spoken with her yet since she hasn't come home yet, but I have been praying and I gradually started to plan ways to talk to her that addressed each issue in the note she left, in a way that wasn't lashing out at her, but still gave me the sense that I would be receiving justice. But then, I thought about that and how selfish that was that I demand justice and I began to pray that God would release the desire for justice from my heart and teach me to respond with love and compassion.

I was silent for a little while and still desiring justice for myself, when I started thanking God for that little part of me that didn't want to destroy my roommate because I knew that meant that God was working on me and that the Holy Spirit was present in my life. And in the midst of thanking God for all this, the desire for justice left me completely and was replaced with a desire to show Jamie grace and forgiveness. And he filled me with such amazing compassion for her I wanted to weep. The event where Jesus entered a town and wept over it because the people were "harrassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." Ran through my mind.
Even though I have not spoken with her yet, I have full confidence that God has won this battle and I will not destroy my witness with her tonight and that tonight she will know what it is to be loved by God.

With all that said, that was not even the revelation I had, that was only a side event in what has been a very long day for me.

So anyway, as I laid in bed and thought about this and prayed and tried to rest, my mind started relaxing and drifting. I started thinking about marraige (I suppose because one of the thing I kept thinking in my anger was that what I had judged to be in my roommates heart was why relationships come to and end and marriages fall apart.)

So I was thinking about how this is probably going to be what marriage is, learning to love selflessly, and how I imagine that there would be issues and how my beloved and I would need to learn how to live together. I thought about a Guy friend of mine, one that, though I'm not particularly attracted to him right now, I am attracted to his spirit and I would count him a worthy husband. I imagined if the two of us fought and how sick it made me feel to think that I would act unlovingly towards him, but I believe realistically, any man I marry is not going to be perfect and neither will I be and that there will be disagreements and things we have to work at. But I marveled at that idea and the thought popped into my head that the man I marry should be blessed by marrying me and not burdened. If I'm going into a marriage and I'm carrying bad boxes and attitudes, and if I bring strife to the marriage, or excessive uncontrolled debt, or if I'm not willing to be a "help meet", or to do my part to clean, raise children, cook, balance a checkbook, encourage him, support his ministry or whatever.... what it comes down to is that if I'm living selfishly, I become a burden to my husband, and I have no business entering into a covenant relationship with him or anyone else because marriage should honor God.

I am thankful for this time I have now as a single woman. though I haven't enjoyed many of the trials and learning experiences, I am so thankful that he who began a good work in me is continually working to bring it to completion, for my future spouse, if God chooses to bless me that way, and for the love of God he is teaching me to love all people with his heart and what that means. I am truly blessed.

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