Real Talk

So, I guess you're about to get "Real Talk" from me.   What I mean by that is what is on my mind is not something I go around readily sharing with others.

Today I went with my friends Christine and Jen to the Ice shelf Brew Fest in Michigan City. We were going to meet at Christine's house and then carpool.  We were supposed to meet at 12:30.  There should easily have been enough time, even with me going to bed at the usual late bedtime I keep... or even a bit later, to sleep and wake up in time to get myself dressed and drive to Christine's house without being late.

But I was late.  About 15 minutes late.   I had woken up about 9am because I had to use the bathroom. I replied to the text that we would meet about 12:30, and then I laid back down and went back to sleep, setting my alarm to get me up at 11:30.  I felt exhausted.   Well, of course 11:30 rolls around and I snooze my alarm...  3 times in total before I turn it off and lay in bed with my eyes closed for.... honestly I'm not even sure how long... begging God to help me get up. I actually do that a lot-- beg God to help me to wake up and get up.  I got up eventually... but It was about 12:15 before I left. I ran out the door without brushing my teeth, washing my face, or anything. I just put on clothes and left.

You know, I had a really good time with my friends and being with them did a lot to distract me from the way I was feeling about myself by that time, which was simply not good.   But when I stood alone for more than a few minutes, unable to occupy my time with the impromptu scavenger hunt I started with the people in costume (lol) my mind would start to wander.  Today I felt undesirable.

It's fairly obvious that my lack of hygienic routine prior to leaving played a huge role in that.   But I was walking around with a new breakout of  red painful acne (not the blackheads that I'm dealing with since cross training in metal cell) --that seemed to coincide with my purchase of a new impurity cleansing face wash that I am trying to use to get rid of the blackheads.

In addition to the acne, I have a rather painful, dry and cracking scab on my upper lip and lip line from a cold sore that started developing on Monday.  It's very obvious and rather embarrassing.  I hear a lot of people get cold sores, but I feel like I never see anyone dealing with them... Anyway, I have been using Triple Antibiotic ointment and medicated chapstick to heal my lips and the sore.  so when It wasn't feeling dry and cracked, then the scab was falling off and it felt like it was bleeding (or blistering, but then it just scabbed over again).

Then there was the 5 inch rip in my pants under the pocket, but I didn't have anything else clean to wear because I'm low on clothes and the pants I purchased in the fall are either really low quality (hence the ripping) or they no longer fit me. :-(

Speaking of no longer fitting.  I'm at the highest weight I've ever been at and that depresses me.  Especially after I worked so hard to lose the weight that first time.  It's like I was just assaulted by life circumstances and my way of dealing was to emotional eat, so I gained all my lost weight back and then a few extra... So that was another thing adding to it.

Ugh. Okay, so the point is that I felt like I was walking around looking huge, slobby, dirty and contagious... and it just didn't feel good.

As I people watched, I looked into the faces of some of the people there.  I look at the faces of some of the men... some attractive, mature looking men, and wonder  if they would ever give me a second look or if God would ever position one of them someday to be my husband.  I would look into the faces of the women, beautifully manicured, flawless makeup, hair, nails; bright smiles, straight, white teeth; fashionable dress, clean looking--- and I would wonder why I couldn't be like them.

I mean, where do people even find the energy and resources to get "dolled up".

I know I walk around most of the time, probably appearing like I don't really care about how I look, and on some level that is true because I will choose comfort over style in a lot of cases, but the real truth is that I do care deeply about how I look. I would love to do my make up and hair and dress nice, but i'm often left wondering how women find the time, energy, and resources for it.  For some reason I just can't find it in me to make the effort.Which is weird because I used to in high school...everyday, every morning (up until a boy I had a crush on painted his hand and then said his hand looked like my face) but now... I just... cant.

But gosh... it doesn't even stop there.... with so much in my life.  My looks, my weight, being places on time, simple things to help me manage my money, cleaning my apartment...

Is this really the effect of depression? Or am I just lazy?

I know what I have to do to fix my life... but gosh... how do I get out of the funk?