I've been feeling it coming on for a little while... I feel like I'm changing. Or maybe I'm just getting in touch with who I really am. It's a mystery to me.

Lately, I have noticed that I feel very antisocial most of the time.  Sometimes I just want to get away and be by myself, even if I am doing nothing at all.

I used to thrive on being around people, not so much anymore. I still enjoy being around people, but I've been really valuing and appreciating the times when I am by myself.

It feels calmer... more serene.  I find peace in it.

"Be still and know that I am God."

Maybe that's what it's all about.

I was reading my Bible last night and  I was in Genesis reading through a lot of Abrahams story and I was struck with a realization.  It seemed that it was an honor and a blessing for a guest to stay at your house. This was such a revelation for me because I think a lot of times people look at having a guest either as a burden or an opportunity for ministry. And I think at times it can truly be both.

But what a way to look at hospitality though... Instead of being the blesser or the burdened, it was like a  special privilege to have someone stay with you.

I don't think I have the gift of hospitality, but imagine how amazing it would be to carry that perspective.  Maybe people who have the gift of hospitality do think that way. I don't know. But I think the idea is beautiful.

 I've also been thinking a lot about my role as a guest in people's houses.  I think a lot of times I feel extremely uncomfortable and I feel like a burden. I fear that I will say something or do something that will offend the host.  I think that probably stems back to when I was ten years old. I was at a friends house for a birthday party sleep over and my friends dad looked at me and said "You know what I've noticed about you, you're really rude." 

He later apologized to me for saying it, but I wasn't sure what I had done to offend him, and ever since  I've always felt uncomfortable being a guest in someone's house, especially overnight.

Anyway, I wonder, how I as a guest can make the host feel as though having me in their house was a blessing to them.

Supersize Me

Anytime I feel like I need motivation to eat and be healthier, I can watch Supersize Me and suddenly I am very inspired and health conscious.   My work partner, Katey, and I are watching it right now.  I feel sick watching him eat it all.

It seems crazy to me how eating fast food effected even the persons mood. I believe it. It's just an eye opener.  Fast food has addictive tendencies.

I think that is one of the reasons I am glad that we have had free housing for the past ten days. Just about everyone who has housed us has cooked for us. Last night we had veggi soup, thanks to a friend parents who housed us.  :-)

Katey and I have also made it important to work out together at least 3 times a week. I have a 30 minute (Turbo Charged Fat Burner) tae bo video  and a 90 minute aerobic and cardio workout, and Katey has a 3-mile walking program.

sigh

I think for me silence is a part of the fight or flight response. When I dont feel comfortable where I am, I am silent. It's the flight part of the response, only I cant truly flee or remove myself from the situation at hand, but I can figuratively by being quiet. Silence in essence, makes me disappear, it lets me go unnoticed. If I go unnoticed then I cant bother anyone. If no one is bothered by me then they cant reject me. So silence is my defense mechanism.

And all I can hear is blah blah blah...

I hate packing.  Have I ever mentioned that before? Well, it's true.  I think that probably stems from packing so much during my life. Moving to another house, another school, going to college, coming home again. To me it is overwhelming.  Even when all I have to do is wash my clothes, fold them, and put them in my suitcase.  Overwhelming. It's probably overwhelming because there is a part of me that does not want to leave.

I'm not dreading going back on the road. I'm sure once I get going it will be a welcome change. But I am very comfortable where I am at right now (well, mostly... I'd be better with my own apartment).  I guess the thing is that I've had my grand adventure. I've done my traveling. I don't think it's all out of my system yet, I think I will always be a little wild, but a part of me desires something a little more steady, and... dare I say it?... predictable.

I like going to the same church twice. I like going to the same Bible study every week (I just like going to a Bible study at all!)  This past Monday I brought my friend Rachel to a Bible study group I attend when I'm home. She really liked it. Even though we needed to leave and meet up with Christine (because Christine was taking her home) she wanted to stay longer, and she wants to come back again.  I just feel like if Iwere more permanently in Valpo, I could bring her every week with me.

I know that working for Camfel is pretty much living ministry, but I feel myself being drawn to a more relational ministry where I see the same people over again and can build relationships with them. 

One of the really great things about Camfel is that my first ministry is to my tour partner. That is definitely relational ministry, but it's different than where I feel like I need to be, or will need to be.  I believe whole heartedly that God brought me to Camfel, so I know that I am right where He wants me. In June (ish?) when my contract ends, that may change.  I will definitely work for Camfel again if God wants me to stay.

I really want to get my degree in Youth Ministry and Adolescent Studies.  Part of that could be that I just miss doing homework. I am too weird, I know. I see a whole world of opportunities opening up for me just by getting a degree. I don't think it matters what degree I get. My opportunities seem greater just by having one. But I want the one in Youth Ministry.  I don't know where I will go with that degree... Facilitate a youth ministry... work for a para-church organization... be a dorm mom... continue with Camfel Productions... work at KFC and do living ministry...  I hope all of my ministry is living ministry.

I just want to be effective. It would be nice to see tangible results every now and then... to know that I'm making a difference, to know that people are seeing that God loves them so much and wants to be in a relationship with them... to see people realize that this life is not the end, that something greater exists and they have access to it, not just when they die, but here and now... The Tangible Kingdom...
I don't see the growth of students because I don't usually see them more than once.

"Sometimes one of the most Spiritual things you can do is take a nap"

Have you ever been so tired that when your alarm clock went off in the morning you wanted to cry.  That happened to me twice today. I haven't been sleeping very well since I've been home, I suppose that could be due to the fact that I don't have my own bed.  And because of one of our dogs, Nina...

Emotions were high today.  I was feeling very crabby, but right now I'm kind of in a mood where I just don't care anymore. sleep.....sigh.

So it's probably a good thing that I will be starting my tour five days early. I found out last Wednesday that I will be starting my tour this Wednesday.  It will be good to be working again. February might be a little rough money wise because I won't get a very large reimbursement (ten days worth?) and I'm not sure when my next pay is coming. But it's all good because I know that God is taking care of me.

So, on January 9 I started this read through the Bible in a Year thing on crosswalk.com, and it takes me through the Bible chronologically (cool!) and I have already missed a day. I am so lame.