So there has definitely been a lot going on lately. I don't know where to begin, how to say it, or if some of it is even appropriate to mention.
I feel a lot of tension, like I'm walking on eggshells.
I feel disconnected, like nobody ever tells me anything.
I feel like my identity has been severely attacked. I've been to the point of hating myself because I feel like people think I'm too silly. I have this internal conflict, this struggle in myself because I feel like this silly person is just how God made me to be, but at the same time I feel like it's not okay. I feel like people don't believe that I can be an effective minister and still have an element of silliness in me. I've talked to people who say they don't think that about me, and I've talked to people, who deny it, but their faces and the way that act toward me confirm it. I don't think people realize that there is more to me than just my face value. I think they see me being silly and just dont appreciate the fact that sometimes you just have to laugh at life to keep from crying. Life is hard. I mean seriously. Life is really, really hard. I feel things very deeply. I struggle with a lot of things that few people know about, and a lot of things I've told no one at all, things that are out of my control, and most people don't care. I am complex, I'm not looking for a hero and I am not something to pitied, but I also cannot be 'that girl who is too goofy to take God or life seriously enough to make an impact.' That tears me apart because I don't think it's just students that see me that way.
I read something in my devotions this morning that made me feel better though.

"For consider your calling.... .... God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise..."

This is from 1 Corinthians 1. Ofcourse there are more to those verse, and they are equally important, but I wanted to focus in on this because I don't want you to miss why this passage was important to me. In the worlds eyes, I am foolish. I am terribly foolish, but God chose me for what He has chosen me for anyway, and He will serve His purpose for me because when He created me to be a "silly person", He had my calling in mind.
hmm. This was a good release. Perhaps next time I'll talk about a 'weighty' issue.

That is all,
Amanda