Layoffs

 There are only a handful of things I've faced in my life that I would say were emotionally traumatizing... and watching 29 of my coworkers get walked out because of layoffs was one of them.  I heard every unspoken thought  in my mind.

"What am I going to do?"

"I just had a baby."

"I just bought a house."

And so on. 

 It was an emotionally heavy night. We all felt it because by the time all was said and done there were only ten of us left on our shift in my department.

I'm thankful that I have high enough seniority that I was able to keep my job.  I am thankful that both of my brothers also still have their jobs in the departments where they work.

We knew the lay offs were coming. They told us several months ago that they were looking to lay off about 100 people in September through out the company. I've been praying that God would put a hedge of protection around my brothers and my jobs.  And I do believe that He did. 

But it was still a rough night.  My heart goes out to all the people who lost their jobs last night.  You might never see this blog post but know that my heart is with you and I'm praying for you. 

Am I dumb?

 Am I dumb? 

Am I too dumb to know that I'm dumb?   

Am I the kind of dumb that people go "oh bless her heart"  after I leave?

I don't generally feel that I am particularly unintelligent... that is until I feel that someone has perceived me that way.  Then I question my whole world. 

I am well aware that there is plenty of stuff that I don't know and a lot I don't understand.  I don't know why this particular insecurity runs so deep with me but I just don't want to be dumb.  Maybe I tie my self worth to my intelligence.  Or maybe I feel like there are so many other negative things that people perceive about me that I just don't want there to be another thing to make people dislike me or make fun of me for.... or maybe both. 

I think my feelings today were triggered by a conversation at work. I wasn't actively involved in the conversation, but I've given my thoughts on it a time or two. The conversation was centered around why the girls in and close by my cell don't like the second shift supervisor.  For me the answer is that he talks down to women... like we are dumb.  I guess I figured this was common to the place where I work because I have heard other women make the same complaint... but I guess it's not.   Every one of the girls involved in the conversation said the supervisor doesn't talk to them that way.  I guess it made me wonder why I was the only girl around who felt that the supervisor talked to me like I was stupid and it made me wonder why.  It made me question if I actually am stupid and just don't know it. 

I'm sure these feelings will pass... but for now I'm left to wonder. 

How I almost accidentally just killed myself with a candle

So almost a year ago I purchased the movie War Room. It was something I've wanted to see when it first came out, but it came out shortly after my ex dumped me, and I had heard there was something about infidelity in it and I just couldn't bring myself to watch it.   It probably would have been good for me to watch it anyway, but you know how those things go. 

Well, I finally watched it in December with my sister in law, Victoria.  And I was, of course, inspired.  I have a small walk in closet, I thought this would be great to turn into my own "war room" of sorts.  So I started that process almost 2 months ago. It's just big enough to put a bean bag chair in, and I'd like to get a small book shelf for my bible and supplies.   My war room isn't as used as I would like it to be, but I'm slowing working my way towards that.   I live by myself, so it's like, who's going to bother me?  But it's nice that it's a private place.

So anyway, I went into my war room tonight and I spent some time praying and then I started reading my bible.  I should probably mention that prior to going into my room for my god time, I lit a candle and put it in my closet. Mostly to combat any smell my dirty clothes might emit. LOL

So it didn't take long for me being in there to start feeling tired. I thought it was weird that I was struggling to keep my eyes open.  After I finally finished reading the passage I leaned back and closed my eyes hoping maybe a cat nap might refresh me.   But I looked at my phone.  11:59pm, It was way too early for me to feel this kind of tired.  And my heart was racing.  For the love of God, why was my heart racing?   And I was getting a bit of a dull headache in my forehead.

In my groggy state, I looked over at my wonderfully scented candle....

Then I blew it out and flung the door to my closet open. 

It only took a few minutes for the sleepiness to go away and for my heart to stop racing.   I still have a bit of a dull headache though.  Mostly just pressure, though, not pain.  But I'm sitting in my living room with my ceiling fan circulating air, and no candles burning.

I chastise myself for not thinking about the consequences of lighting a candle in a 5x5 room with no circulation and closing the door.  I won't be doing that again.

And thank God for not letting me fall asleep.  That candle would have continued to burn for 8 hours.  And who knows how much CO and CO2 would have been produced.

Anyway, mistakes made, lessons learned,  and I am still alive and that is all I can hope for.

Real Talk

So, I guess you're about to get "Real Talk" from me.   What I mean by that is what is on my mind is not something I go around readily sharing with others.

Today I went with my friends Christine and Jen to the Ice shelf Brew Fest in Michigan City. We were going to meet at Christine's house and then carpool.  We were supposed to meet at 12:30.  There should easily have been enough time, even with me going to bed at the usual late bedtime I keep... or even a bit later, to sleep and wake up in time to get myself dressed and drive to Christine's house without being late.

But I was late.  About 15 minutes late.   I had woken up about 9am because I had to use the bathroom. I replied to the text that we would meet about 12:30, and then I laid back down and went back to sleep, setting my alarm to get me up at 11:30.  I felt exhausted.   Well, of course 11:30 rolls around and I snooze my alarm...  3 times in total before I turn it off and lay in bed with my eyes closed for.... honestly I'm not even sure how long... begging God to help me get up. I actually do that a lot-- beg God to help me to wake up and get up.  I got up eventually... but It was about 12:15 before I left. I ran out the door without brushing my teeth, washing my face, or anything. I just put on clothes and left.

You know, I had a really good time with my friends and being with them did a lot to distract me from the way I was feeling about myself by that time, which was simply not good.   But when I stood alone for more than a few minutes, unable to occupy my time with the impromptu scavenger hunt I started with the people in costume (lol) my mind would start to wander.  Today I felt undesirable.

It's fairly obvious that my lack of hygienic routine prior to leaving played a huge role in that.   But I was walking around with a new breakout of  red painful acne (not the blackheads that I'm dealing with since cross training in metal cell) --that seemed to coincide with my purchase of a new impurity cleansing face wash that I am trying to use to get rid of the blackheads.

In addition to the acne, I have a rather painful, dry and cracking scab on my upper lip and lip line from a cold sore that started developing on Monday.  It's very obvious and rather embarrassing.  I hear a lot of people get cold sores, but I feel like I never see anyone dealing with them... Anyway, I have been using Triple Antibiotic ointment and medicated chapstick to heal my lips and the sore.  so when It wasn't feeling dry and cracked, then the scab was falling off and it felt like it was bleeding (or blistering, but then it just scabbed over again).

Then there was the 5 inch rip in my pants under the pocket, but I didn't have anything else clean to wear because I'm low on clothes and the pants I purchased in the fall are either really low quality (hence the ripping) or they no longer fit me. :-(

Speaking of no longer fitting.  I'm at the highest weight I've ever been at and that depresses me.  Especially after I worked so hard to lose the weight that first time.  It's like I was just assaulted by life circumstances and my way of dealing was to emotional eat, so I gained all my lost weight back and then a few extra... So that was another thing adding to it.

Ugh. Okay, so the point is that I felt like I was walking around looking huge, slobby, dirty and contagious... and it just didn't feel good.

As I people watched, I looked into the faces of some of the people there.  I look at the faces of some of the men... some attractive, mature looking men, and wonder  if they would ever give me a second look or if God would ever position one of them someday to be my husband.  I would look into the faces of the women, beautifully manicured, flawless makeup, hair, nails; bright smiles, straight, white teeth; fashionable dress, clean looking--- and I would wonder why I couldn't be like them.

I mean, where do people even find the energy and resources to get "dolled up".

I know I walk around most of the time, probably appearing like I don't really care about how I look, and on some level that is true because I will choose comfort over style in a lot of cases, but the real truth is that I do care deeply about how I look. I would love to do my make up and hair and dress nice, but i'm often left wondering how women find the time, energy, and resources for it.  For some reason I just can't find it in me to make the effort.Which is weird because I used to in high school...everyday, every morning (up until a boy I had a crush on painted his hand and then said his hand looked like my face) but now... I just... cant.

But gosh... it doesn't even stop there.... with so much in my life.  My looks, my weight, being places on time, simple things to help me manage my money, cleaning my apartment...

Is this really the effect of depression? Or am I just lazy?

I know what I have to do to fix my life... but gosh... how do I get out of the funk?

Sometimes depression looks like calling off work to sleep. Then staying in bed all day, getting up only to comfort eat and use the bathroom... and finally sitting in the bathtub feeling sad for no apparent reason eating Oatmeal cream pies until you feel ill from the sugar.

Sometimes depression has no rhyme or reason. You cant just get over it and you cant "will power" your way through it. 

Sometimes you just have to ride through it.

Too much in my brain to be Coherent

So lately I have been really trying to dive into a deeper relationship with God.  It has not been an easy journey, and I find myself, often, in the crux of pursuing my own ambitions and forgetting God.  I think that's one of the reasons I liked how the minister at my church body described what going to church is.
 As a short recap he explained that many churches will call their Sunday morning service a worship service, but the reality is that we worship God with our lives.  I know a lot of people in my life who dont go to church and say that they can worship God no matter where they are.  And they're absolutely right!  But seeing this different perspective on church services as something other that "worship" just really spoke to me.  He said that we meet to encounter God and it helps to refocus us for the coming week. 

Can I just say that I love that! What an absolutely refreshing view on why it is so important to be a part of a church body!  We might be able to worship God no matter where we are, but that intentional community with the church body where you encounter God to refocus yourself on Him is just something else entirely. I can not even express how much I love that perspective.

Anyway,  outside the point other than to express that I need it....  I need it! Because focusing on God all of the time is not easy.  Getting distracted is easy.  It is so so easy.  And I'm very thankful for the little community I have at Life Bridge.

Ive been doing some reflecting on stuff recently.  Im a part of a facebook group that is doing a challenge called Break the Cycle.  And so far is has just been so real.  It has been affirmation and conviction and learning and I really appreciate what is being taught.  I was watching a seminar the other day (I cannot watch  live because i'm at work, so I think it might have been Tuesday morning seminar that I watched later, but I cant remember.)  Anyway, the message the other day was about Breaking the cycle of money mismanagement, and God knows this is an area where I have been trying very hard to improve myself in.  There was something said by one of the speakers that just kind of resonated with me.

I don't remember the exact wording used and I really wish now that I had written it down, because it was really good. but the concept was along the lines of how we can be so undisciplined "I don't have enough anyway so what does it matter if I splurge now" kind of thing. It's the idea that we don't deny ourselves anything but are given to every whim and the profound effect that this has on us in every area of our lives.

 I have seen a sobering example of it in one of my coworkers life (and that in turn has helped me identify it in my own life and has served as a pretty good warning).    With her money, she's always broke, vocationally and she's on the verge of losing her job because she used up all of her PTO two weeks into January.  I even see the relational dysfunction when I talk to her because she does not deny herself "pleasure" in any form be it by the use of alcohol or sex or otherwise.  The reality of it is sobering and to be completely transparent, it scares the hell out of me. 

It's got me thinking hard about my life and where I give into my whims.  Even just things that might be silly as choosing to play a game on my phone over washing the dishes in my sink. I see the paths I could be walking down by succumbing to the "pleasures of sin".  I wish I knew how to more clearly articulate, but I'm pressed for time and I got to get going to work.   Maybe I'll delve into it a little more later, or just personally.

God Speaks

So I haven't blogged in quite a long time. And I think that's just what happens sometimes.  We start out doing something and then as time progresses it might end up falling to the wayside.  I think it's just the natural order of things.  Some things are only for a season. 

And then there's people like me who will make random blog posts years later.   I have so much I could write about, and you come to a point that although a blog is very much a public forum, you really write for yourself.  Like keeping a journal, this is your record of your life and thoughts. I think that's cool. 

So anyway, I wanted to share something.  I have been feeling a little bit guilty because I've been trying to find my way back to God and this week I have failed rather largely to spend any time with Him.  Like any.... maybe with the exception of quick goodnight prayers as I fall asleep.  By the way, I have been falling asleep quite well in the past week which I am sure is due to the prayers being made on my behalf by the beautiful soul at my Women's Bible study on Tuesdays.  I have only been twice, but I know I so desperately need that group and I am so incredibly blessed that God would provide it for me. 

I am just so bursting with stuff that I don't even know where I want to begin sharing.  I am very excited to see what God is doing in both my life and the lives of the people around me and those I have been praying for.  One in particular is my brother and sister in law starting a new venture (both of them!) to bring their families to a better place financially. (Which is something I actually prayed about in my "war room" a little while ago and it just fell to the wayside as life happened, although I didn't forget about them or my desire to pray for them... I think I just got lost in my own stuff for a while.)  So anyway, my sister in law is selling Cozy Candles.  I'm a big supporter for her so if you want to check out her page it's BeyondBlessed.  I was trying to get a direct link to her facebook group because it's like a whole community in itself, but I cant figure out how to get the direct link.   However if anyone wants to buy any of the candles from my sister in law, this it the link to her shop https://bwordproductions.com/cozy/1601/ .  I actually am burning my Caribbean Escape Candle right now.  It smells seriously AMAZING.

So my brother in law is also doing something online.  I don't quite understand all of it yet, but it is an online gaming thing where he games and talks to people online and he can earn money through subscriptions so he will earns money doing this on the side. His goal is to be able to earn enough money that he can spend more time with his wife and daughter at home. So if you're into gaming you can check him out at https://www.twitch.tv/rellik1771 
After he told me about it, I was like... that's so cool, I think i'm going to see about doing something like that with my crochet, but it would be a while before I would be able to get something like that set up.

So anyway, I'm so far on tangent from what I came here wanting to share.  So let's get to that.  I sat down tonight with the intention of studying a little more with the scriptures that were given to us for Tuesdays Bible Study and let me tell you a little bit about this process. 

So I started out wanting to look at the context of each of the verses I was looking at to see if I could get a better understanding of them.  So the theme was love Go and the first part of the Study was Things that are key in building a love relationship with God.  I haven't even been through the first point in the first section and I'm like "God you're speaking to me."  so this is what happened.

The first verse I looked at was Matthew 6:33 which said But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you. (NASB)  I read for context and this is a verse I had highlighted before in my Bible, because it was one that reminded me that God takes care of the needs of his people. So I wrote down a challenge for myself to, When I need something, instead of attempting to just go and purchase it or find financing, to go first to God and ask for it and then sit back and see what He does. 

So I was like Okay, cool.  That is a challenge I really want to try, you know... like Test God in this to see if what He says is true because I believe he's trying to tell me something. 

So I went on to the next verse, which was Psalm 46:10 "He says Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth" (NIV)
I read for context and it was talking about God being our refuge and strength and how we ought not to be disheartened by the world because He is God.  Nothing stuck out super strong in this one to me, no challenges, so I went on to the next verse which was James 4:8, which reads "come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded." (NIV)  Only... in looking up this verse, I somehow ended up on 1st Peter 4:8 and was reading those verses for context, but it was verse 7 that I was drawn back to... which reads "Now the end of all things is near; therefore, be serious and disciplined for prayer." (HCSB) So i pondered that verse for a little while and was reading context and trying to understand how vs 8's admonition to have an intense love for one another was the verse I was reading in the hand out... and then i realized I read the wrong book, but I was like, that's okay, That one verse really stuck out to me and I don't think it was an accident that God took me there.

So I go back to James 4, where I was really supposed to be and I started to read the verse and then the chapter for context, and I got to verse 2 and closed my Bible and I said OKAY, I GET IT.

And what does James 4:2 say?  YOU DO NOT HAVE BECAUSE YOU DO NOT ASK.

Okay.    Okay!  OKAY!  I see a theme here.  God, I believe you want me to go to you in Prayer, God I believe that you want me to lay my needs, and DESIRES, I feel impressed that God wants to speak to  even my desires.   So Im just sitting here thinking about this, and I'm thinking about needing new clothing because mine is wearing out and the stuff I bought from Walmart a few months ago is already starting to become unusable. I'm thinking about Marraige, about in asking God for a spouse  (a part of a facebook group I'm a part of, it started with a challenge of praying for your future spouse), I started thinking about my brother and his wife and the ventures they are starting, then my whole lists of prayers that I was bringing before Him and I just get this impression that God is saying to me to test Him in this. 

 But as I'm sitting here I'm also thinking can I really be hearing this from God because Jesus says it is written do not put the Lord your God to the test, so I looked up the context and it brought me to the Old Testament Scripture where it seemed like there was something specific at Massah that they were being told not to test God and I think it was in relation to sin, but then I saw the Scripture in Malachi 3:10 Bring the full tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. And thereby put me to the test, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need. 

You do not have because you do not ask.   I think that one is going to stick with me for a while.
Anyway, It is late and I've already written a lot, so until I decide to write again, take care.

Ramblings of the first post in a while.

I feel like it's been a long time since I've felt truly passionate about something. I think most of the time I go through the motions and do life like I always have... except... When I look back on things... It makes me laugh because my life has been a sort of adventure.

I remember I used to read books and long for the adventure knowing it would take a deal of personal sacrifice.  Its funny to me now how I didn't see how adventurous my life really was because the adventure wasn't how I pictured it.  It's funny to me that I'm the "heroine of my own story".  Sort of.  And it's especially funny to me that where I once longed for adventure, I now long for the mundane.

Don't get me wrong, I still have that desire for adventure... in small doses. But mostly my desires center around the idea of holding down a job, getting an apartment, meeting a nice guy, dating for a little while, getting married and starting the adventure of building a family.

Life is hard.

I'm nowhere near where I thought I would be. But maybe there's a learning curve.   One of the things I really want to do right now is get my finances on track.  And I think i'm in a good place to do that. I've got a great job and I seem to be doing alright in it.  I've started mini investments through an app on my phone. Ive started a savings account.  These are all in the beginnings... but i feel like I'm in a good place with them right now. I guess we will see where things go.

Crochet Patterns finally online

I'm bored.  

In today's over-stimulated world, you would think that people wouldn't say that anymore.   In fact, I do wonder why I feel bored. I know I have plenty of things I should do and plenty of things I want to do and plenty of things I've got on my list to do. :-)

I think maybe it's not so much that I'm bored as it could be things I want to do right now, like hang out with my friends or talk to another human being, are not available to me right now (because it's after 4 am, haha)

I spent a good part of the night writing down a pattern I made for a Bearded Beanie, and it's finally up and available for purchase on Etsy.  Actually, you can find it Here.  I have several items I've made recently without using a pattern. I just need to write them down.  The task feels overwhelming, but I know it will be worth it once I can start selling the patterns I write.
I'm excited about that.

Reflections from birthdays passing

So, it's been a while since I've written anything on my blog.  Maybe I should do that today.   I just feel like writing something.

Today... well, technically yesterday now, I guess, I celebrated my birthday.  Birthdays and new years always seem to force me to take a moment to reflect on things.

You know, I've now had 29 years to figure things out in my life and I feel just as lost today as I did when I graduated high school nearly 10 years ago.   This weekend was supposed to be my 10 year high school reunion.  I wanted to go but at the same time the last thing I wanted to do was show people I barely remember how much of a failure I feel I've become.... and how much weight I've gained.  

By my own standards (you can debate the influence of my standards on your own time),  I wanted a degree, and a career, and a husband, and children... or at least be with child by now.     By my own standards, I'm a college dropout, who has yet to demonstrate the ability to hold a job for more than 3 years, dating the first serious boyfriend I've had since 9th grade.... and children?  That's not really on the radar yet.

But I'm okay.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a little bummed and I have days when  I feel like a failure, but I'm still pushing to figure things out, and I think as long as I've got that going on, I will see a day when I don't feel so lost. At least I hope so.

Faith: Trusting God Through Prayer 1 Samuel 1:7-20

I feel like the story of Hannah is one I connect with. Not because she and I have suffered the exact same situation, but because I feel a connection to her heart, to her longing.  I get this image in my mind that we would have been friends if we lived in the same time and place.
Sooo.... Here's the passage (with Verse 6 included because it reads differently in the NIV than it does in the translation on the app):

6 And because the LORD had closed her womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. 7 This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the LORD, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. 8 Elkanah her husband would say to her, "Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?" 9 Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on a chair by the doorpost of the LORD's temple. 10 In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD. 11 And she made a vow, saying, "O LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head." 12 As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her mouth. 13 Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk 14 and said to her, "How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine." 15 "Not so, my lord," Hannah replied, "I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. 16 Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief." 17 Eli answered, "Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him." 18 She said, "May your servant find favor in your eyes." Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast. 19 Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the LORD and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah lay with Hannah his wife, and the LORD remembered her. 20 So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, "Because I asked the LORD for him."
 

I think the thing that sticks out to me the most is the attitude change that Hannah underwent after praying.  Before, she was bitter in her soul, filled with anguish and longing,so much so, that she wouldn't even eat the portions her husband gave her. She is so troubled in her spirit that the priest did not consider her behavior normal. :-) But after she poured her heart out to God,  Scripture says that she went away, ate something, and that her face was no longer downcast. 

That's the thing that just stuck out to me best.  Hannah's faith in God changed her attitude toward her circumstances.  She did not continue to dwell on what broke her heart, but instead walked away in good spirits, and she did so without a promise that she would recieve what she asked for. Perhaps there is a link between faith an attitude?

Genesis 22:1-14 Faith: Trusting God with Everything

Okay, This is going to have to be quick (hopefully) because I have to get some sleep before work. But I started this 30 day Bible Reading Plan that has different topics. I chose the topic of Faith, because I started reading a new book yesterday called When You Don't See His Plan: The Nadine Hennesey Story by Nadine Hennesey with Rebecca Baker.  I got through the first chapter while waiting for my clothes to dry and I found myself longing to have a faith like the faith I was reading about, just in that first chapter. 

I imagine that my faith has always been rather small, and I don't want it to be that way anymore.  Lack of faith immobilizes people, not just to do God's work, but in many areas of their life.  Say I never leave my current job because I'm making more money than I've ever made in my life, I'm not struggling to make ends meet. I finally have a savings account, I'm helping my parents out... I'm supporting myself quite well.... But my job is not where I want to be permanently.  Will I ever be able to leave this job?  Not if I don't have the faith that God can and will take care of me no matter where I am. You get the point.  I want to increase my faith.  Through Prayer and Study, It will happen.

So... onto Genesis 22:1-14

Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, “Abraham!”“Here I am,” he replied.
² Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.”
³ Early the next morning Abraham got up and loaded his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. ⁴ On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. ⁵ He said to his servants, “Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you.”
⁶ Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, ⁷ Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, “Father?”
“Yes, my son?” Abraham replied.
“The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?”
⁸ Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And the two of them went on together.
⁹ When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. ¹⁰ Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. ¹¹ But the angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!”
“Here I am,” he replied.
¹² “Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.”
¹³ Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. ¹⁴ So Abraham called that place The Lord Will Provide. And to this day it is said, “On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.”
 

I wanted to post the passage for easy reference. :-)  So I was reading through this and there were a few things that stuck out to me.  Since I seem to have a good memory for Scripture... or maybe it is just from my Bible Quizzing days... I recalled a few things from other parts of Scripture that I want to mention.  For Example:

There seems to be a bit of problem with Gods instructions to Abraham because just a chapter earlier, God said this to Abraham:

But God said to him, “Do not be so distressed about the boy and your slave woman. Listen to whatever Sarah tells you, because it is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned. (Genesis 21:12)
 

Dead men dont give offspring... do they? (Well, maybe with todays technology it might be possible) But the point is: this would have been something that set off an alarm in my mind.  I imagine myself even arguing with God, "But God, You SAID!"  But Abraham doesn't do that.  Actually, Scripture doesn't tell us what Abrahams thoughts were, at least not in this passage (more on that in a moment). It simply says that Abraham left early the next morning to carry out God's request. 

What was Abraham thinking? This was his son!  The same same born to him and Sarah in their old age, whom God had promised that through him would become a great nation. Had God changed his mind? His plans?  Was he incapable? Was he a liar? No. Was Abraham submitting to the idea that God gives and God takes away, and for some reason God had decided to take Isaac away?   No, I don't think that's it either.   We get the bigger picture to know that God was testing Abraham, but what must have been going on in Abrahams mind?

I think we find our answer to this question in the faith hall of fame: Hebrews 11:17-19

¹⁷ By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had embraced the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, ¹⁸ even though God had said to him, “It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned ¹⁹ Abraham reasoned that God could even raise the dead, and so in a manner of speaking he did receive Isaac back from death
 

 This is a faith beyond the idea that God would raise his son, but a faith that God would still hold true to his previous promises enabled him to believe God would raise his son.

So I've been pondering this faith.  How does someone come to have such faith?   I reasoned it out this way:  Faith comes from trust. Abraham trusted God. We trust because we believe we are loved, and when we believe we are loved we those who love us hold good intentions toward us.  Love comes from knowing God.  Knowing God comes from having a relationship with Him. Our Faith is expressed through obedience.


I'd like to explore this more, and maybe even write out a small group lesson or Bible study guide on it, but, I'll have to ponder this more later, because I'm now looking at 6 hours of sleep.  So that's all for now.

Feeling violated

Well, I had two days off of work, which was nice. I feel like i'm getting more opportunities to hang out with my friends now that my schedule is less flexible.  Does that fit the definition of ironic?  Either way, I am pleased.  It's nice to be able to get together with friends once in a while.

Work is.... Okay.   I keep walking up on people masturbating. That has been uncomfortable.  Some of them are simply getting caught by accident, but some of them are doing it to be seen, and that's simply irritating until one of the people that I walk up on tells me later that he "had a really good dream about me last night"...At that point I feel violated.  I can only describe the feeling as being mentally raped.  I can't control what thoughts go through a persons mind, but I can tell you that I will NEVER try to dress or act in a manner to make myself the object of someones lust.  Thats something I just don't want.

But I think what's worse than that is that I found out that it has apparently been a topic of conversation among my COWORKERS of whether or not I am a virgin.  That also makes me feel violated... I've never really had an issue or been embarassed to say that, yes, I am a virgin, in every sense and definition of the word, but to understand that my coworkers have discussed a matter that truly is very personal honestly gives me a sense of feeling violated. How does a person even have a conversation with someone about that?   What do they say to one another?   WHY ARE THEY EVEN INTERESTED IN DISCUSSING IT????  It's probably a good thing that I don't know who all of the people are who have been talking about it...

I don't even know what to think about that....

I want to write more, but I'm really tired, so I think sleep is due.  I'll write again another time.

Am I Worthy?

Well, today is a day to just be transparent and unashamed....

I desire marriage. 

Yes. It's true.  It's one of my hearts foremost desires.  Maybe it's something that people could tell I've desired... or maybe I've kept it well hidden.  Either way, I haven't spoken about it much...or at all really... especially in the past few years.  It's only been recently that I've started following (publicly) any sort of marriage blog/facebook page.

 There was a fear inside of me.  A fear that if I simply spoke my desire, someone would tell me that I needed to take a good long look at myself and be realistic.  How could marriage ever be for me?  How could it ever be written in my future?  Who would ever love me enough to want to marry me?  For some reason completely beyond my own comprehension I felt completely and utterly unworthy of marriage.

I honestly don't know when I started to believe those lies [and what sick, cruel LIES they truly are!] But the fear inside me was sooooo deep that I couldn't even speak my desires for fear that someone would tell me that I was unworthy of marriage and confirm what I already feared... as though my own experience with singleness wasn't already evidence enough on it's own. 

And the really sad part is that there are already so many well meaning people doing just that... when they bring up verses where Paul says it is better to remain single [1 Corinthians 7?].... as though this is some sort of honor.  I'm not going to get into some huge complaining session about that because 1) that has been someone elses experience more often than it's been mine. 2) I truly and honestly believe that people mean well and dont intend to add to anyones hurt. and 3) I believe that passage of Scripture is worth studying and I don't want to taint it for myself or anyone else because Im complaining about someone elses regurgitated thoughts.

And so.... there came a point when I realized how there is such healing in confession... and how simply powerful words are. When we sin, we confess our sins and find healing, so does it not stand that if we confess our doubts or fears that we will also find healing in the confession?  I think we do.

But more than just confessing those doubts or fears, I think there-in lies a responsibility to also confess the truth. 

I am not unworthy of marriage.  I am loved by God and I am HIS bride first.  God wants to fulfill my desires in His time. I am simply to walk in Obedience.

Is God Holding Out on Us?

It can be quite humbling when God speaks to you...

Genesis 3:1-6... While I was still at Bethel, I studied this passage extensively for a sermon I was writing for my Homiletics class.  I don't remember if this was one of the ones I actually used or not, but I feel a particular draw to the creation and fall of man... I think maybe that's because the story is all of our story.  We find ourselves in this place again and again, sometimes by effort and sometimes by accident. So here we are...

Now the serpent was more crafty that any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden' ?" The woman said to the serpent, "We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die," "You will not surely die," the serpent said to the woman. "For God knows that when you eat of it, your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eyes, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. (NIV)

Satan is pretty crafty, isn't he?

So Eve and Satan are having a conversation in the garden... a few question immediately come to mind... like 'I wonder if Eve ever questioned the fact that she was carrying on a conversation with a snake.' (Or maybe animals spoke and had language before the fall, but I don't know, that's beside the point anyway.) Or what their proximity to the tree was... did God give this message to Eve directly, or did Adam relay the message... If it was Adam, was he the one who added the part about not even touching it, or whatever... maybe those aren't relevant questions...

What I really noticed though is how the enemy seemed to have a tactic. At the time I wrote this sermon, there was a cross over into the temptation of Jesus (Matthew 4:1-11), where I found the same basic tactics used.   But these are the things I noticed:

1. Satan twisted God's words.
2. Satan lied about the consequences of Sin
3. Satan appealed to natural desires (and not always even bad desires)
4. Satan made Eve believe God was holding out on her
5. Satan made Eve believe she was entitled to it
 

 I could probably address each one of these things separately, but I would probably be typing for a while... but perhaps I ought to study up on each one at some point....  How many times have we...how many times have I... fallen for these old tricks... time and time again?

Think about this for a moment... We start out with a desire for something, even a natural and healthy desire... so then we start believing we are entitled to it.   When we believe that we are entitled to something, it naturally follows that we might end up believing that God is holding out on us.  Once we believe that He is holding out on us we might twist God's word to justify our own sinful actions, and end up with the belief that there isnt, or shouldn't, be any consequences for our sin.

That's sad. (and quite honestly, I see this whole this process right before my eyes as the supreme court is preparing to rule on Gay marriage rights.  I see it in the whole homosexual revolution. but I really don't wish to discuss it any further at this point in time)  I see it in the sexual revolution.  I see it in the consumerism around us. I see it in good and healthy things, too. Things that have been taken to extremes... like for myself this unhealthy intake of food. It could also be the healthy desire to be married or an honest desire for my car to start working after I've already replaced two parts on it... but my actions toward God in response to these desires may cause me to sin.

God is not holding out on us. I think sometimes we just lack understanding about God's purpose or plan.

I think God simply desires obedience even (and especially) when we dont understand.

Progress with my painting

I'm very excited. I spent some time last night working on a painting that I started before Halloween in 2012.  I've been having a hard time with it.  I was just stuck...like when a writer gets writers block. I felt very much like I had "painters block". 

:-)  Theres no such thing though, right? 

Well, I decided to pick up a paint brush and just try again and I think I actually did something with it that I liked.  I think one of the things that made the painting difficult for me was what to do with the butterfly.  I must have five or six layers of paint where the butterfly is... but perhaps it was worth it.   I'm not done with the painting, I still have a lot more I want to do with it, but I am excited enough that I just have to share progress!

I hope to be able to finish it soon.  This one will be better than the other butterfly painting.   I think it already is. 

Some thoughts on Pregnancy

I've had a myriad of thoughts running through my mind... I'm exposed to a lot of things... different opinions and viewpoints. I read, I listen, and I pay attention when people might think I'm not.  And I research.  I actually don't like to passively dismiss other viewpoints, even though some people might feel that if I disagree with them, then I've done exactly that....The point is this: When I make a decision about something or form an opinion on something... it's pretty rare that you'll find me uninformed. So I've been doing some thinking and researching.

One of the things I ran across today was a blogpost someone had posted on facebook where a woman had written about her pregnancy and how miserable it was for her.  She wrote of crippling morning sickness, feeling bloated, weight gain, getting kicked in the spine and a whole host of other things.   She sounded genuinely miserable during her pregnancy. But one thing she spoke of was the loneliness she felt.

This idea of pregnancy and birth being a beautiful thing was lost on this woman because of the miseries she felt, but the loneliness that followed her was the result of the "beauty of pregnancy" being lost on her.  She felt outcasted and looked down upon because she didn't enjoy the experience and was actually chastized for it, and made to feel like she wouldn't be able to be a good mother.

On the flip side, I have also seen some women who have had difficulties trying to concieve or have miscarried who look at the complaints women who are miserable make, and are hurt by those complaints. 

   I have a friend who miscarried and she is now pregnant again and she thanks God for her morning sickness, and her back aches, and the frequent need to run to the restroom and all sorts of other miserable pregnancy symptoms because the truth of the matter is that those miserable symptoms of pregnancy are often signs that your body is doing exactly what it needs to produce a healthy baby.  She knows that.   I've also seen her comment after she originally miscarried that she would gladly take the symptoms other women were complaining about if it meant she could have her precious baby back in her womb. 

.... It is difficult for me to say that I really know what either woman is going through, because I really don't.  I've never been pregnant, I've never miscarried, I've never tried to concieve but found myself unable.  I know being nauseated when I've got the flu is miserable for me, and I already feel like I use the restroom a lot as it it, but thats about the best I can do to identify with the first woman.  The second woman... I think I actually identify with her more, which is crazy because I've never tried to concieve, let alone miscarried a child, right? 

I think the reason I identify with the second woman is because my own fertility has come into question for me. I had an ovarian cyst (at least, that's what they believe it was) burst when I was in high school, and I believe it happened a second time when I was in college.   Now there are other reasons for this thought, some of them are simply too personal to share.  I try to blame my weight gain for any issues I have.  I tell myself if I lose weight, the questions will go away because everything will go back to normal, but thats my guess.  I couldn't really tell you what's going on in my body. 

But what I can tell you is that the possibility of being infertile scares me... a lot. My hearts desire is to serve God through marriage and family. Im still working on the first part.... :-)  But it can be a scary thing to think that you may have to deal with something that could keep you from your hearts desire.   I have to continually put my hope back in God and remind myself that He is the giver of dreams and my life is complete in Him.  Everything else is icing.   I have to remind myself, and sometimes ask God to help me remember that I find my fulfilment in Him alone and if neither marriage nor bearing children is to never be a part of my life, then I will praise and love Him the same as if it were.

But that's beside the point I want to make.   What I'm trying to say is that hearing other women complain about something that I want so much can be a sensitive issue for me too, even though I've never had trouble trying to concieve or difficulty maintaining the pregnancy because it's not a part of my life right now. It sometimes bothers me to hear other women complain about their symptoms because it just reminds me of a fear that Im already bringing to God on a daily basis.  I can only imagine what it's like for women who are really experiencing what I only fear.

But does that mean the first woman was wrong?  No, not really.  Then, does it mean that I and the second woman are wrong about our feeling?  Again, I really dont think so.

 I truly and honestly believe pregnancy is a beautiful thing.   It it simply amazing to me that a few small cells can become what you and I are today.  It is amazing to me what a womans body does to accomodate the life that grows inside of her.  I am fascinated by the love a mother can have for something that made her so miserable for nine months. 

But I also know that God says to the woman in Scripture very plainly "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children."  I feel like the first womans experience gave me a whole new insight to this verse. (it's not just about needing the epidural during the birth process, lol) There is indeed an ugliness that is associated with pregnancy.  There is pain beyond the child leaving the womb.  

What this leads me to is the question of how we minister to both of these women where they are at. The truth is that their feelings can easily feed off of one another. One needs hope, the other ecouragement.   How can both have an outlet for their feelings without making the other feel bad somehow? 

For now I guess thats going to be something I'll be trying to figure out.

They're just words, right?

Wow, did I really have over 20 hits on my blog yesterday?  About a quarter of them are always for a post I made on 'submission'. I get hits on my blog for that post every day. I know I've commented on that fact several times now, but it still suprises me and somewhat un-nerves me. 

I think the reason for that is this: larger my audience is, the more I feel the weight of the need for the things I say and do to reflect God accurately.  Get what I'm saying?    My thoughts on this blog are not private. People read them.  Apparently, quite a few people are reading them.  My words hold weight.  They have the power to influence people in many ways if people actually listen to them. 

Proverbs 18:21 tells us that the power of life and death is in the tongue.   I believe the word tongue could very easily be a word used to mean our words, our tone, and the meaning behind it all. Kind of all encompassing in a sense... 

The question comes to mind... is what I'm saying bringing life or death to people?  Are my words on their screen leading them closer to God?  or further away from him?

There may be nothing wrong with the blogpost I made on submission, but just the mere fact that I have an audience for that particular post makes me want to be absolutely sure. Not just sure about that post, but all the posts I make.

So with that in mind, I think I'm going to spend a little more time thinking about the post I originally intended to make when signed on.

Are we missing God's faithfulness in our lives?

You would think that being forced into solitude would make you a bit more productive....  Well it hasn't yet. At least I don't think so.  I'm still adjusting to my new work schedule, but I am finding it a little bit easier to stay up later.  I actually slept until almost 5pm (I want to say today, but it was actually yesterday) after I got off of work.  I wanted to get up at 2pm but that would have given me less than 6 hours of sleep, so I just slept until I was done being tired.  I know I slept more than 8 hours. It's weird.  When I work, if I sleep more than 7 hours, I get a headache, but once I get a day off, I can easily sleep 9 (or more) hours if I want....

But that's all beside the point. I'm happy that I'm adjusting to the new schedule, I just want to be more productive at night when no one else is up.

So anyway,  every day, I listen to the Daily Audio Bible (www.dailyaudiobible.com) on my way to work.  I have found this to be an incredible tool in my life.  I'm finding myself becoming rather absorbed into the passages as I listen, and I love the thoughts that Brian gives before/after the reading.   I think this really works for me because I try to read through Scripture and there will be times when I am just not in it so it's like I'm reading to finish and I absorb nothing that I read.

The readings have been in (I think) Numbers in the OT, and we just started Mark, in the NT, and there is always a Psalm and Proverb.  In Numbers, we've been listening to the journey of the Israelites in the desert, and one thing struck  me one day on the way to work. 

For the past.... I don't even know how many chapters we've read through.... but the Israelites have been complaining, sinning, and repenting in cycles, and God has been dealing with them accordingly.  A while back they left the desert and complained to Moses that they had nothing to eat and that he had brought them out of Egypt to die in the desert... Well, recently God was giving instructions about certain sacrifices and such, and there was mention of sacrificing bulls, and the number was so large... I think it said something like Sacrifice for 7 days, reducing the amount each day so that on the 7th day, there are 7 bull sacrifices.  I might not be remembering that correctly, but the important part was that it made me think about something.

Where did the Israelites get all these bulls to sacrifice?  From their flocks and herds, some of which, perhaps, were given as a parting gift from the Israelites. (Although I'm not sure about the second one, because I thought one of the plagues might have destroyed any flocks or herds owned by the Egyptians...but then, Pharoah granted Joseph to give his brothers the land of Goshen because they were Shepherds and Shepherd were detestable to Egyptians, so that begs the question of whether they any...  I'm just going to have to go back and re-read). But thats a tangent that doesn't matter anyway....

The thing that struck me is that they must have massive amounts of sheep and cattle... they were wandering through a desert... not a lush promised land... a desert.   Now maybe not all of the land was sand and barren wasteland, but we are talking about a desert. The land wasn't exactly equipped to provide for the needs of millions of men and women, let alone their flocks and herds. And they Israelites cried out against Moses and God saying they were led out of Egypt to die in the desert.  And then God provided manna.

Is it funny that my thoughts were to wonder what the flocks and herds ate? God MUST have provided for them. Maybe they ate the manna off the ground.  Maybe the Israelites brought grain with them (there was a requirement for a grain sacrifice too, so perhaps?) Maybe they ate sand.  Who knows. But the bottom line is that God had to have provided... But I don't think this was even a concern of the Israelites.  At least I can't recall it ever being mentioned in Scripture.  Maybe it just wasn't an important concern. Or maybe you just don't care about some things when you're own life appears to be hanging by a thread.

But doesn't that lead you to think about God's provision?  In the midst of the desert, The Isrealites were concerned about what they were going to eat, but even their flocks and herds had provisions.

That leads me to the verse in Matthew 6:26  "Look at the birds of the air [or in this case sheep and cattle]; they do not sow or reap or store away in bards, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable they they?"

Hindsight is always 20/20, so I don't say this as a judgement on the Israelites, but as an object lesson.  God's faithfulness was staring the Israelites in the face, and they couldn't see it because they were blinded by their own concerns.

In the same way, God's faithfulness stares us in the face day after day and we miss it!  We don't see it.  In the Old Testament, the Israelites own flocks and herds should have been a clue of his love and provision.  What clues of God's faithfulness are we missing today?

But I can't stop there.  Seriously.  I cant end it there.  I don't know if anyone is actually reading what I write, but if you are, this is not just about food.  God provides for ALL of our needs. We may have to check ourselves and decide in our own hearts what is actually a need and what it simply desire (by the way, God sometimes even provides for desire too. Check it: The Isrealites longed for meat, and God gave them quail, and actually told them they would have so much of it, that they would become sick of it). 

I know that I don't always understand God's ways, and I know that sometimes his provisions are not what I expect or even sometimes the way I wanted it. But He still provides, in His time, and in His way because He loves us.   HE LOVES US!!!!

God is the Great Romancer

One of the things I think becomes evident to a person as they fall deeper in love with God is the realitity that He is more than Savior, more than friend, more than Father, more than creator, more than whatever role you choose to describe him. He is not one thing to us, He is all, and in all, and over all... He reveals a little more of His character to us as we have that need for Him.

God is the Great Romancer.  He is husband, and He is lover. And sometimes He gives us a little poetry.  This is gold.