Dangerous Faith

So thoughts have invaded my mind relentlessly. There have a been a few really good things that have happened today. In a sense I feel relieved, but at the same time, I feel a little... well, restless I guess. I realized something today, and now I feel like I simply don't know what to do with what I've realized, so I'll just talk about it here I guess and see if anyone has any thoughts... or sympathies. I mean, I guess I really don't need advise or anything because I know I'm strong and capable of working through pretty much anything (well, not me, but God in me), so yeah, maybe what I really need is just to 'blog' about it where I know people can read it and understand or something.... I don't know what I want.
Anyway, when I got home today I went to my room to think because I needed to process a few things, and one of the things I started thinking about was how much having this internship this summer has impacted my theology, my relationships, my ministry... really my entire life. I have a sense of knowing that I am not the same person now that I was when I came into this. It's like there has been something in me that has been lying dormant, something in me that has been oppressed and repressed, shot down, crushed, destroyed and taken from me. Something that my heart has been crying out for since I came to the faith. Something feirce and untamed (barbaric, haha). Something I couldn't fully understand or comprehend until I saw it and experienced it. But now that something in me... it's been set free.
To explain what happened next is going to require me to backtrack a little and explain exactly what I was doing. When I came back to my room. I was tired, fatigued, exhausted, but my mind was active and racing. I was actually talking to God when I was thinking. I started out talking to God about something that is actually just between me and another person so I won't go into that, but then I started thinking about other things and I found myself asking questions, going over what I did understand, begging God to soften my stubborn heart and give me a little clarity. While I was doing this though I was laying in my bed, if anyone walked in they probably would have thought I was sleeping, but I wasn't. I was fully awake, probably more praying in the Spirit than anything.
What happened next scared me a little. So (being fully awake) an image, a picture, like a clip from a movie flashed in my mind and it was really short, like a second, but that's not what scared me, it's what I saw, what I experienced in what I saw that scared me. Its funny how words could not have done for me what seeing did... Anyway, I saw myself, well, it was more like I was actually there, I didn't see myself, I was seeing through my perspective and I was flying and there was someone or something with me, I don't know who it was I just had a sense that it was with me. But I was up there in the air looking down, there were green trees and feilds as far as I could see, and there was a long train. And then I suddenly realized that I was flying, there was nothing around me, nothing holding me up, nothing to keep me from falling, but I wasn't falling, there was a sense of glorious, uninhibited freedom, but I panicked. Yeah, I saw all of this in a matter of a single second. But when it ended I knew immediately why I panicked. I had nothing tangible that I could hold on to and I desperately wanted the comfort of walking on solid ground. The freedom to fly was too much, too new, too fast, and I wanted the limitations back. I wanted what I'd always known up to that point. It was comfortable.
And then I realized that what I saw was speaking directly to what I was feeling about being set free, the feelings I could not explain when people would ask me what was wrong, that I didn't know how to tell people what it was... that something crying out deep within my spirit. It broke free! Answers... Clarity... Freedom... And that's scary. If you're really honest with yourself. That is scary.
Knowing deep within you that theres something higher and bigger than yourself out there and it's so important. Having a sense that something is not right with the way things are. Desperately chasing it, feeling like it's just out of your grasp, you don't understand it. You want it, you need it. It's just important. It's so so important. And then suddenly, it's like God says Okay. It's time for you to understand, it's time for you to see, it's time for you to know.
And then it's like too, much too, soon poured out, trying to take it all in, comprehend it, organize it, process it, make it make sense, and then respond to it. But then you get stuck, scared. Whoa, God this is too big for me, I'm so small. But you know... you know in your heart this is right, this is real, this matters. This is what you have been waiting for and it's here.
It pushed you out of your comfort zone, in a sense, it has the capacity to make you feel as though you've been alienated from those who have not reached this point because they don't understand. You want the comfort of walking on solid ground, but you don't want to go back to those limitations. You look ahead but you can't see what's ahead of you. You look behind you and know you can't go back to it. So you push ahead knowing that you can't just stand there, knowing that you have to trust something outside of yourself to guide you. Knowing that the only choice that makes sense is to trust God so wholely and completely that it drives you mad! Knowing that now that you are here your life is on a dangerous path... but also having that sense of peace knowing that you have surrendered to, that you are completely sold out to the most important thing in existence and not life, nor death or anything else in this world matters except what matters to your King.

Wow...maybe some of you think i'm an idiot, but this is it, these jumbled thoughts, this is the awakening to something greater. It's different than the process of coming to know Christ, I already know Christ.... this is just different, deeper, dangerous. I dont expect you all to understand, but maybe some of you will. I don't know. Someone just tell me what your thoughts are.