Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for...

No. Actually, I do not long for or desire brokenness. I don't want my heart to ache. I do not want the pain... but I do realize that it is an important part of Christian growth. It's so easy to get stuck in your own ideals that sometimes the best, most effective way for God to get through to us is brokenness. This is my life. It is so easy for me to offer my life up to God and then try to take control of it, to want to know every single detail, to be satisfied where I am spiritually, to put off the hard stuff off, to be lazy, to seek my own will above Gods. Yes, I am so human, I have programed it into myself to do what opposes God, and I live in a state of brokenness for it. And I hate what I've become.
A few weeks ago I was listening to the radio (WFRN) and there was a message, It might have been from Chuck Swindoll (sp?), but I'm not sure. Anyway, the person was talking about Jacob. His name meant deciever, and for the first part of his life, it defined him quite accurately. But later, Jacob wrestled with God, he struggled, he fought, but he overcame. that's a weird thought for me, I often wonder if I read it correctly. But Jacob wrestled with God and with man and he overcame. As a result of this, God redefined Jacob. He gave him a new identity. Jacob was no longer Jacob the deciever, he was Israel, Father of the nations.
It struck me. I have always defined myself. I believe that our names are important part of who we are, which is one of the reasons I despise being called by any nicknames. I've always liked my name because it means "worthy of love", and so I tried and struggled and fought to be worthy of love. I still hope that I am, but there is one thing about the definition of my name... Worthy of love. Sure, even if I really am worthy of love, that doesn't mean that I have it, or that it will come to me... It only means that I am worthy of it.
But how I define myself goes beyond just my name. I just wanted to follow the Biblical example of Jacob. Anyway, I also define myself in other ways. I define myself by what I do, what I'm good at, who I hang around, who my family is... it could go on. I want God to redefine me. I want him to show me who I really am. When God redefined Jacob, it changed his life, and the course of an entire nation. God could do the same for me.

Amanda